


Playing House

by CalicoJack11



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Age Difference, Attempted Murder, Attempted Sexual Assault, Bisexual Female Character, Bisexuality, Break Up, Domestic Fluff, Drunk Sex, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Romance, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Heartbreak, Jealousy, Miscarriage, Murder, Original Character Death(s), Original Character(s), Past Relationship(s), Pregnancy, Romance, Romantic Comedy, Sex, Sexual Assault, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Smut, Undercover as a Couple, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-31
Updated: 2019-12-16
Packaged: 2020-07-27 21:17:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 30
Words: 128,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20052688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CalicoJack11/pseuds/CalicoJack11
Summary: You're the youngest detective at Manhattan SVU, but nowhere near the most inexperienced. You're adjusting to life in the big city after transferring from an agency in Tennessee, for reasons that are yet to be disclosed. You're very close with your partner, Sonny. Everyone suspects something more, except for the two of you... yet.





	1. Halloween

**Author's Note:**

> Welcomeeee to my new story! This story line does not follow the same story line as the one currently being aired, because I am personally pissed about certain characters being written out. Munch is still a part of SVU, as well as Barba. You and Munch are one in the same, conspiracy theories and X-Files, I'm not sure how often I'm going to write about him though. You and Barba are exceptionally close, he's your best friend, nothing more. You usually call him by Rafa. You refer to Sonny as Sonny, Risi or Dom. And for the sake of not having to awkwardly explain the character in the story, I'm going to do it here. The character I'm portraying very closely resembles myself.
> 
> Most of your friends and coworkers call you Cal or Cali though. You're a freckled face, tattooed 25 year old with hair that's just a tiny bit too thick and wavy to bare the task of taming every day. You're from southern Tennessee, so you and Amanda get along exceptionally well. How did you become a detective so young, you ask? By working your ass off. You joined the Air Force straight out of High School, scored exceptionally high on your entrance exam, and shortly after accepted a job as a Special Investigations Officer with them. Kind of puts you on the fast track to becoming an investigator after serving. 
> 
> The name of this story will be explained a few chapters in, once things get going good.  
Also, I'm starting this in the fall because I have Fall Fever and and dreaming of cooler days.

You stumbled into work late, again. It was a daily thing, Sleepy Cali loves to turn off her alarm after regular Cali stays up way too late every night. The precinct was full of officers in uniform and detectives that were dressed at least business casual. Not you. You were wearing flats during your first foot pursuit and decided after that day that you were wearing running shoes or Vans every shift from then on out. Plus, wearing a blazer with your hair neatly straightened for 10+ hours a day gets tiring. It's a good thing that you're a damn great detective, not many Lieutenants would tolerate you wearing jeans and a hoodie nearly every day.

_"Good morning, Jack! Stayed up late again last night?"_ Olivia intercepted you before you even reached your desk. She wasn't aggravated, she had a smile on her face, which probably meant that Rollins and Fin caught their perp early this morning.

_"I did, I did. I've got two more days to make it through my month of Halloween movies list. I've got five more on my list. What are you so chipper about?"_ You made your way to your desk to set down your bag.

_"Amanda and Fin finally caught up with their rapist, your partner's monitoring them with Barba."_ She nodded her head toward interrogation room 1.

You filled up your coffee cup and start toward the glass, toward Sonny and Barba. You were always telling Sonny that he needed to be aware of his surroundings, even when he thought he was safe. But he never listened. So you playfully tapped the back of his knee with your foot, his knee giving out just enough to startle him but not enough for him to actually fall. He jerked around with a bitch face that would shame anyone who didn't know him like you did. He saw it was you and his eyes lit up. Barba's, too. It seemed everyone was in a good mood today.

_"I told you, Risi, always be aware of your surrounding. I'm gonna do that until you start to expect it."_ You leaned one shoulder against the wall, sipping your coffee and crossing your legs. Your eyes still looked tired.

_"Not gonna happen, if a perp's gonna take me out it's not gonna be with his girly tip toes, Cal. Good morning to you too, though."_

It took you months to get used to the New Yorker accent after moving up here. Being from Staten Island though, Sonny's didn't make your ears bleed as bad as most others.

You chuckled and moved between him and Barba, watching Rollins and Fin take their perp's confession. He denied a defense attorney, said he wanted to make things right with God. Sonny scoffed, _"God.. What do these people think they know about God?"_

Liv entered, it'd always amazed you how she managed to be a full time mother and Captain, and somehow still had time to curl her hair and get dressed up every day. She was being followed by two investigators that none of you recognized. _"Speaking of God.. Calico, these two investigators are from Tennessee. They traveled all the way here because your previous precinct wouldn't give them any information to contact you with."_ She looked concerned, walking them your way. You couldn't see their faces but Sonny and Barba looked equally as confused. You weren't, you knew what this was about. Liv turns her attention back to them, _"Guys, you could've just called us, our lines are secure. Let me show you to a conference room.." _

_"No, it's fine, Captain. I've sort of been expecting them."_ You headed toward your desk, resting on the edge of it. The Tennessee detectives and your coworkers follow. _"My sister's been keeping me updated on the, uh.. news." _

The older detective, he looked to be in his 50's. He was a stocky African American man with a deep voice but a very friendly smile. _"You haven't been in contact with any members of the Methodist Church of the Bleeding Heart, have you Detective?" _

_"Not since I was maybe 16. My Aunt is still a member, I believe. But I don't keep in contact with much of my extended family either, sir."_

Now the younger one. He was a little older than you, maybe 30. Dark hair with a tiny bit of silver in the front. You could see the future laugh lines around his mouth when he spoke. "_There's been a string of suicides within their community, all teenage years or younger. The members aren't very.. forthcoming with information. Or with anything for that matter." _

_"I wouldn't expect anything less from that church. But if you're looking for me to paint any of them as murderers, I can't."_ You were telling the truth. You'd love to see any of their members pay for their sins, but you had no clue about their actions in the past 10 years.

_"We aren't, Detective. But we do need to speak to you about what happened to **you** while you were a member of their church." _The older detective, Lieutenant Scoggins, looked sympathetic. Like he regretted even asking you such a thing. As he should be, your blood ran cold and for a moment you had chill bumps that were visible to all of them. You looked up from your coffee and motioned toward a conference room. The two investigators followed, your squad stayed behind. 

_"What's this about, Liv?" _Sonny's brow was furrowed, he had the flaw of being a little over protective of his partner and friend. 

_"Something that I am not at liberty to discuss, Carisi.."_ Olivia walked away, back to her office. 

_"Don't worry about her, we both know how strong she is." _Rafael reassured Sonny. Sonny sometimes wondered about yours and Barba's relationship. You were oddly close. He knew you stayed the night with him every now and then, and you'd sometimes come in wearing his t-shirts. 

_"Yeah, I know. I just thought it was only the Catholic Church that had it's scandals."_

* * *

You came out two hours later, heart racing and a little jittery. You hadn't talked in detail about what happened in that church for years, you liked it that way. You sat down at your desk, across from Sonny. He looked up and noticed you rubbing your head, knowing you suffered from chronic migraines. He also knew that you would deny anything being wrong if he'd asked how you felt, so he texted Liv and asked her to suggest the two of you take a break to grab some lunch. It was a slow day anyways, whoever was on call would get the shit end of the stick come Halloween night.

Liv came out a few minutes later. _"Jack, Carisi, how about you two go grab some lunch while it's dead? I don't want your blood sugar dropping if anything hits the fan later today."_

_"Y'know what, I was actually thinking the same thing. C'mon, Cal, I know of a great little noodle shop in Chinatown that I've been craving like crazy lately." _He got up and grabbed his coat, extending his hand out toward you. You took it, but he knew that you saw right through him. You popped a few Advil Migraines before heading out.

You sat at the outdoor dining section of a little Vietnamese restaurant, Sonny ordered pad thai and you ordered beef pho. You loved the crisp fall air up here, it stayed warm well into December in your hometown. You knew that Sonny was worried. This was the most anyone from your squad knew about your past so far, which was saying a lot as they still didn't even know that much at all. It wasn't a secret, you weren't deliberately not talking about it. You just didn't bring it up, living by the rule of "dont ask, don't tell".

_"Your head feelin' better? I saw you rubbing it after you came outta there."_

You laughed a little,_ "Yeah, yeah. I expected them to be here a lot sooner, honestly."_

_"What's this about, Cal? Are you in some kind of trouble?"_

_"No, Risi. I'm fine, I swear. The church I grew up in has always pulled shady shit, it's just catching up with them now."_

He looked at you suspiciously, he knew you were holding back. _"Okay, just please tell me if you ever are in trouble.. I'm your partner, okay? I've always got your back."_ You nodded at him as your entrees came out. _"How's your month of Halloween movie list coming along?"_

_"I'm fallin' short, man! I've got two more nights to finish 5 more movies! That's at least 8 more hours of screen time!"_

_"Have you not seen all of these movies before? Which ones do you have left?"_

_"Yeah but I save all the best for last so it's not like I can just SKIP over these last few! I've still got A Nightmare on Elm St 3, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, Hocus Pocus, The Craft and Scream."_

_"Okay well out of all of those I've only seen Harry Potter."_

It was absolutely fucking crazy to you how people up here didn't celebrate Halloween as enthusiastically as you did. 

_"That's just wrong, Sonny... You know, I've got a real comfy couch. You wanna start the holiday weekend off right, come watch a few movies and eat way too much candy corn with me tonight?"_

_"Not the biggest fan of candy corn or scary movies, but I could use a little break, why not?"_

The two of you made your way back to the precinct, slowly and sleepily after getting way too full on noodles. The rest of the day went by without incident. Sonny spent most of his time making funny faces at you when you weren't looking and acting like nothing was happening when you peeked up from your computer, effectively making Amanda and Fin giggle like school girls. A rubber band war broke out at some point, and ended when one went rouge and flew into Olivia's office and onto her desk. She folded up her glasses and came out, arms crossed.

_"Okay, children, since it doesn't look like anyone is doing any more work for today, what do you all have planned for the weekend?"_

_"I'm trying to find a good, safe neighborhood to take Jaden for his first Halloween. Oh, I'll have to send you all photos, he's bein' a little baby Groot. I love it!"_ Fin was so proud since becoming a Pop.

_"Well hey, Liv and I are takin' the kids up to Chelsea for Trick 'r Treating, if you and your family wanna come. I'm taxing the kids half of their candy because this neighborhood is gaurenteed to give out full sized bars." _Amanda's little girls were getting so big. 

_"Cal is introducing me to her tradition of scary movies and candy corn, so I'll be out on Monday for my first dentist appointment in years. Just a heads up, Leiu."_

You grinned, already chewing on a piece, _'So cute, all your little families."_

Olivia gave you all the okay to head out for the day. Fin and Sonny were walking out together while you were gathering your stuff. Sonny turned around, _"I'll be there around 7, Cal. Need me to bring anything?"_

_"That's a negative, but dress like a normal person and not a cop."_

Carisi smiled and turned back around while Fin yelled back, _"Hey maybe come this summer you'll have started your own little family, too, Calico!"_

You caught Sonny jabbing him in the ribs with an elbow as they turned the corner.

_"Come on man, I'm joking, she knows that!" _ Fin coughed out while rubbing ribs.

_"You know we're not like that, Fin. She's a great partner, I don't want anything making it weird and us end up separated."_

_"No Carisi, you two are the ones denying it's not like that. The rest of us are just trying to decide what we're gonna wear to the wedding. What do you think, should we color coordinate?"_

_"Oh, so now two partners can't catch up outside of work without it meaning they're sleeping together?"_

_"All I'm saying is that I haven't seen chemistry like that on the job since I was working with Phoebe in Narcotics 20 years ago - But that's not a good example, we both know how that ended up."_

Sonny stopped walking and gave him a look. A look that Fin knew meant to drop it. 

_"All right, man, I get it. But if anything ever does happen, I want us to drop the badges and talk like guys about it. Y'know, locker room talk." _ Sonny laughed and they continued on their way.

* * *

You made it to your little apartment and changed into some leggings, a cropped, white v-neck t shirt, and a knitted cardigan. Your thick, wavy hair went up into a messy bun with your baby hairs hanging down by your ears. Your apartment was homey and cozy, Sonny had described it as "eclectic" when he was helping you move and unpack. It was a little one bedroom, one and a half bath on the 10th floor near Central Park. You didn't realize it before you signed your lease, but there were no ceiling lights in the living room or bedroom, so you hung a strand of string lights behind your couch. It actually gave the place a cute glow with just enough light to not strain your eyes.

In the mean time, Sonny was getting dressed and undressed in front of his mirror. He didn't understand what "don't dress like a cop" meant. No button down and slacks, he assumed? He settled on a pair of well fitted jeans and a thick, long sleeved, grey, Henley shirt. He decided that was good enough, pulled on his brown leather jacket and headed out. 

He opened the door to your apartment without knocking, like usual. Sonny and Rafa were there more than anyone else, so it has become pretty normal. 

_"Man, it is getting cold FAST this year. It's gonna be a tough winter." _He threw his jacket over the recliner and joined you in the kitchen, hopping up to sit on the counter beside where you were standing. _"All right, what we got here?"_

_"Chai tea, don't bother. Everyone I know hates it. Which movie do you wanna watch first?"_

_"Harry Potter? You've seen it a thousand times and I wanna catch up, I haven't seen you outside of work for weeks. I'm losing my best friend to Rafael Barba." _He said it almost seriously, like it was an insult to him.

You headed into the living room and popped Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone in, Sonny followed and made himself comfortable on the couch. Took his shoes off and propped his feet up on the coffee table. You joined but turned towards him, one knee up toward your chest. _"What are you talking about, Dom?"_

He tried to blow it off, _"Nothin', I shouldn't have brought it up." _He didn't sound angry or jealous, more just a little sad or ashamed. _"My bad."_

_"No, it's not nothing. Talk to me." _You placed your hand on his forearm to get his attention. He turned his face and caught your eyes, he had never been good at lying to you.

_"It's not you, Cal. I guess I just don't have many friends outside of the squad room. Fin, Amanda, Liv, they've all got their families, you know. I like when you invite me over, it feels like we're actually friends when we're not wearing the badges."_

_"Sonny, we **are** actually friends. Yeah, I hang out with Barba sometimes. I hang out with Amanda and Liv sometimes, too. But you know that I'm closer to you than any of them."_

_"Then why are you hidin' stuff from me, Cali? Why were those detectives from Tennessee here today? You're tellin' me they took a flight halfway across the country for nothin'?"_

You stood up with your hands in your face and groaned into your palms._ "Ohhhh my goddddd. Is this what this is about Dominick? Cause I've got one tiny secret?"_

_"You know I'm just worried about you. You're my partner, we look out for each other, don't we?"_

You sat back down, completely turned towards him with your legs crossed. _"Sonny, if you're worried that I was raped, or molested, or taken advantage of, you're wrong. And that isn't me being in denial, or refusing to admit that I was a victim. That's the truth."_

_"Okay, okay. I'm sorry. You're right, I shouldn't try to force you to open up to me before you're ready."_

_"No, I'm ready. But if we're gonna have one of these nights, we're doing this right."_ He looked at you, confused._ "I need someone up here to know about my past. I can't keep living like it didn't happen. Talking to those detectives today made me realize that. I shouldn't still be having a physical reaction to something that happened almost a decade ago."_

You got up and stepped over his legs, grabbing a bottle out of your liquor cabinet. It was Patron Silver, he laughed and sat straight up,_ "Whoa-ho-ho, Cal, I know you can swing that stuff but I grew up on red wine and communion wafers." _You had that half grin on your face, the one where the dimple on your right cheek shows so prominently.

_"I've got red wine, too! This just works faster and doesn't give me the headache after. I've gotten drunk and had a long night of opening up with all of my best friends from back home. I told you, we're doing this right."_

You took an impressive swig from the bottle and chased it with your tea, then handed the bottle to Sonny. His gulp wasn't as big, but after a few more he wouldn't be able to feel the burn in his throat anyways. An hour later, it had worked. You were both laughing your asses off about how Sonny had accidentally tazed an elderly woman who had already been subdued. It wasn't funny, but in this line of work you really had to have a fucked up sense of humor or else it would kill you. Neither of you were wasted, but you were comfortable, loose. Sonny wiped tears from his eyes after he was finally able to catch his breath. 

_So what happened, Cali? No pressure, I don't want you telling me anything you don't want to."_

You shrugged your shoulders,_ "Everything's a sin, you know? At least to them it was."_

You took a final sip from the bottle and set it on the coffee table, _"Except to them, sinning was evil. To them, we are all born evil sinners, and our only goal before death is to be as close to godly as possible."_

_"That's.. that's not how God works.. You know that, right?"_

_"Yeah, but when I say that everything was a sin, I mean everything. So pretty much.. until they felt like you were an adult, they considered you evil. Everything you did, everything you wore. No matter how often you prayed or said 'please' and 'thank you'. It didn't matter if you got on the floor and spoke in tongues or sat quietly in the back pew. It was pure, unfiltered mental abuse until they decided that you'd had enough. Grown men and women.. bullying 12 year old girls into throwing up in the bathroom after every meal, because 'God hates gluttons' . Shunning little boys for sitting to close to other boys, because 'God hates fags'. Their religion wasn't about believing in God, it was just about fearing Hell." _

Your voice trailed off and your eyes wandered down toward your hands, you were playing with your fingers. 

_"They brought in fucking rattlesnakes sometimes, said that they could detect the evil ones in the room. I didn't know it at the time, but they'd starved them for weeks. Poked and prodded them until they were angry as shit before bringing them in. One time they'd specifically asked all the kids to sit in the front pews and sat the snakes down on our laps. They sat them on the first kid in the row and let them slither down the line. Once it got down to me, it wrapped itself around my wrist. It's tongue was flicking my hand. I'd had a ham and cheese sandwich right before the sermon. I thought for sure it was going to bite me.. But when it struck, it went for the little girl right beside me."_

Sonny grabbed your hands that you'd been picking at, _"Cali, I am so -"_You pulled them away.

_"I'd watched her eat a sandwich too. She just didn't wash her hands afterwards. She was 10 at the absolute most, dude.. She screamed bloody fucking murder. I can still hear it sometimes, ringing in my ear. Her dad grabbed the snake right off my wrist and scooped his daughter up, he barely got her to the hospital in time. They never came back after that. I hate to say it but she was lucky.. The things they said about her after she left.. They claimed that she was bitten because she had gotten her period and was embarrassed about telling her dad, claimed that getting your period before 13 meant that she'd already had sex and that she was always doomed to be an adulterer. Then the pastor turned to me and said that I should feel grateful that the snake only gave me a warning, that it gave me a chance to turn toward the lord."_

_"What did they say you did?"_

You looked up at him with an exasperated sigh,_ "One of them saw me taking birth control. They didn't believe in contraceptive, said it was the lord's will you know. I wasn't even having sex, I was on it to control my endometriosis because it was making me anemic. But they just saw me as a whore. My family left a month later, when they pretended to be my parents and tried to call my doctor's office to get copies of my medical records."_

Sonny looked at you dumbfounded. He didn't say anything. He put his hands out this time, asking for permission to hold them without saying anything. You placed your hands in his. For the first time in a long, long time, a tear fell down your cheek. 

_"Come here.."_

This time it wasn't a question. You leaned into his chest and he leaned back against the arm of the couch, laying you down with him. He pulled a throw blanket from the back of the couch over the two of you and wrapped his arms around your shoulders. You had one arm behind his back and the other on his chest. You both just laid there for a little while, Sonny stroking your back. It was nice, it didn't feel forced or awkward. 

_"You know, you said you wanted to hang out outside of work more. How about making this a Friday tradition? I mean maybe not the getting drunk and spilling past traumas part.. but making dinner or going somewhere or something."_

Sunny laughed, tightening his grip around you. _"Yeah, Cal. I'd like that a lot, actually."_He reached an arm behind the couch and switched off the string lights. You fell asleep fast in his arms. He laid there for a while, just holding you. Listening to your breathing, stroking your hair. Before he fell asleep he noticed how fast his heart was beating. He just didn't know if it was because of the tequila, or because he'd realized that Fin was absolutely fucking right.


	2. Prohibition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to Chapter 2! Those of you that are with me so far, thank you! If any of you have any comments, I would love it if you’d leave them below. I’d also appreciate any suggestions or constructive criticism.
> 
> Also, I am not from NYC nor have I ever visited, so if I had any point completely fuck up a location or anything geographically, I’m blaming it on that.  
From here on out, Sonny's dialogue will be on the left, yours on the right.

You woke up the next morning earlier than usual. Too bad it wasn’t a weekday, you might actually have been on time for work. It took a moment for you to realize that Sonny was still asleep underneath you, one hand wrapped around your shoulders and the other folded behind his head as a makeshift pillow. Thank God you had a huge couch or else you’d literally be right on top of him, instead you were situated to the side with one leg on top of his. Funny, it’s the exact same way you held onto your body pillow every night.

His shirt had ridden up a bit through the night and one of your hands was wrapped around his waist, the other behind his back. You just wanted to lay there for a moment and take it in. Not the feeling of laying next to Sonny specifically, just of anyone. You’d become content with loneliness so long ago that you forgot how nice it was to be physically close to someone. You were glad that you could do this with him without it making your friendship and work relationship weird. Except part of you did feel something else, something more. Like you could get used to this with him. You just lay there for a moment, taking it all in and partially dreading getting up, because you knew your body was going to hate you for sleeping on the couch all night. 

Sonny stirred, _“Oh don’t tell me you’re awake already, this is really gonna be the one day you wake up early, Cal?”_ He didn’t even open his eyes. 

_“You stay here, I’ve gotta shower and realign my spine.”_ You sat up and crawled over him, off of the couch. He chuckled and turned his face into the cushions with the blanket pulled up to his chin.

The steam from your hot shower helped clear up your mild hangover, which mainly just consisted of a headache. Your apartment was so, so cold. Sonny was right, it was getting cold fast, and this would be your first full winter in the northeast. You came out in an over sized, maroon sweatshirt reading _“Scully/Mulder 2020 - Make America Believe Again”_ and a pair of black Nike athletic shorts, with your fluffy house robe on until the heater started up. Stepping around the corner you see Sonny pouring two mugs up with coffee. 

_“Look at you, I was gonna suggest we go out for coffee but this is much better.” _

_“Nah, way too cold out for that. Hey I know this is kind of opposite of how this usually goes but do you have any sweats I can change into?”_

You nodded down the hall, towards your bedroom door, _“Chest of drawers, second to the bottom.”_

You stepped out onto the patio and sat at one of the padded, wicker chairs while Sonny changed. Knees to your chest and nose against your warm coffee cup. Sonny joined you a few minutes later and closed the sliding glass door behind him. Both taking in the crisp air and sounds of the city waking up. 

_"Thanks, Dom.. for last night. I needed that. And if I came off as.. desperate or weak, tequila, y’know.”_ You felt weird now, actually having to talk to your best friend that you’d cuddled with all night. You were fighting the urge to do what you’ve always done, distance yourself from the person you’ve just opened up to.

_“Stop. Don’t do that. You’re not weak for letting me in, Cal. And we don’t have to talk about it any more if you don’t want to.”_ You smiled at him and sipped your coffee. 

_“So what are your plans today, boss? You gonna finish up your movies?”_

_“I don’t know, I might go down to Prohibition and get properly inebriated. They’re having a Halloween thing later tonight.”_

He looked at you like you were crazy and sat down his mug, _“You’re telling me you’re gonna go to a crowded bar on Halloween night alone, get drunk and try to walk home without incident? You work for SVU, you know how this usually ends, right?”_

_“Mhm, I’m also 25 and plan on drinking just enough to not be considered an alcohol until I’m 29, so.”_

You loved testing him, but also had a plan that you knew would work. 

_“Hm, sounds to me like you need familiar company just in case. You dressing up?”_

He picked up his mug again after casually inviting himself out with you tonight.

_“Okay, I know I’m young but no, I’ll be dressing like any other night that I go to the bar.” _

The two of you had an impromptu breakfast of bagels with maple cream cheese after you finally gave him the okay to pick you up around 10 o’clock that night. You sat on your couch for a short while and contemplated what you’d felt this morning, still unsure if it was loneliness or something real. You pushed those thoughts aside to call Rafa, the two of you liked going to the farmer’s market every Saturday but had rarely gotten the chance to since his Abuelita passed away. That’s actually why you’d been spending more of your time with Rafael than Sonny lately. 

A half hour later he showed himself in, knocking on your bedroom door before letting himself into that one as well. He walked in on you in jeans rolled up to the ankle and a lilac, lace bralette. The squad, including Sonny, really didn’t understand the dynamic of your relation ship with Rafael. He was like your gay best friend without being gay. There was a point when you thought you’d had a tiny crush on him (watching him go in on murderers and rapists in the court room did something for you, still kinda does), but you realized that it wasn’t like that. You’d grown so close over the past year, but really saw him more of an older brother than anything.

_“Dressing up for me, Bonita? You shouldn’t have.”_ He was dressed to the nines even on his off days. You were pulling on a loose, knitted, v-neck sweater that hung far off the shoulder. 

_“Rafa, help me. What should I wear to the bar if I want to look available but not desperate?”_

You looked at him with puppy dog eyes. You knew you didn’t need to, he’d help you regardless. 

_“I’m sorry, are we going to the bar at 10 am? I was under the impression you were taking me to the farmers market?”_ He laughed but looked confused. Not that he should be the one talking, you knew how much whiskey he drank weekly. 

_“This is for later.”_ You didn’t want to mention Carisi. You knew what the squad already thought of the two of you, having heard their whispers and comments. And you didn’t want something to turn into nothing and end up looking like the dumb little girl that was infatuated with an older man. 

_“I’m meeting a friend at the bar later and don’t want it to seem like I’m trying to fuck him.. because I’m NOT. But do want it to sort of seem like I’m trying to show off, but while also being casual. Is that too specific?”_

_“Well, considering you have the very odd fashion sense of a chic grandmother, not at all.”_

He rummaged through your top drawer for a moment. Yep, your underwear drawer. He pulled out a gold/orange colored bralette that actually had pretty decent coverage, then an off white colored cardigan from your closet. 

_“Paired with either some tight ‘momish’ jeans or black leggings.”_

_“Why, again, are you an assistant district attorney?”_

You mocked as you threw your Kavu over your shoulder and made your way out of your bedroom, through the front door. 

The two of you strolled through the stalls. You picked up a few fall scented candles to help make it through next years spring and summer months. You know how most people’s seasonal depression hits them from October - March? Yours was the exact opposite. Rafa rubbed some excess artisan, goat milk lotion on your hands, 

_“So who’s the guy?”_

You looked at him confused, you’d completely forgotten about your plans for that night when the realization that your favorite season was already about to end set in. 

_“Your date? I don’t recall you ever asking me for advice on what to wear to the bar any other time.” _

_“Oh, it’s not a date.. We’re just catching up.” _

You tried to casually brush his questions off, hoping it would deter him. 

_“Oh okay, but you’re ‘sort of’ trying to show off? Tell me, Detective, does this have anything to do with Carisi staying at your apartment last night?”_

How in the absolute fuck did he know that? After the past few months with Rafa, you were honestly starting to believe that he was psychic. 

_“What? Sonny comes over to my place all the time, same as you.”_

_“Hm, I was just wondering because I usually don’t run into him as he’s leaving your place, wearing my sweatpants that I distinctly remember leaving over there the last time I was running late for court...”_

_ _

He looked at you with that smug ass look that he has. It was usually saved for use on defense attorneys when he knew that he could bury their clients during a trial. You gave him a look that said to mind his own business and the two of you finished your shopping. You’d successfully spent a small fortune on candles, nut cheeses, and migraine relief shower steamers. 

The two of you walked arm in arm back to your apartment, hugged, and affectionately pecked cheeks before parting ways. Rafa turned around before strolling to far, 

_“He’d stopped for flowers, by the way.”_

_“What?”_

_“I don’t know who they were for, but he’d stopped for flowers.”_ He then turned and headed for the subway. 

You made your way up 10 flights of steps, knowing the elevator would be out of order. Walking down your hallway, the jingle of your keys alerted your overly nice neighbor to stick his head out his door. You were used to this. Not just from him, from a lot of men. You’d recently gotten into the habit of keeping a fake engagement ring in your pocket to deter them, it worked most of the time. You slipped it on when you heard him, Alex, unlock his front door.

_“Hey, Calico, here let me help you with that!” _He went for your shopping bag that you were obviously having no trouble carrying. You maneuvered around him so it looked like you were in a hurry. It wasn’t as bad up north, but after living in the Bible Belt for 24 years and working in SVU, you unknowingly kept a smile on your face when rejecting men who seemed too nice. You knew how to hold your own, but also were aware that there was nothing more dangerous than a man with a bruised ego. 

_“Alex! Thanks man but I’m good! I’m actually in a rush but -“_

You were just putting your key in your door when he cut you off. 

_“I was wondering if you had any plans tonight, I was thinking we could go somewhere for drinks or something?”_ He said while trying to sound casual, leaning one shoulder against the wall by your door. 

_“Oh, I’m sorry, Alex.. I’m actually going out with my fiancé tonight. He just got back from deployment, you know how it is..”_

You raised your hand to show him your fake engagement ring. It wasn’t actually ‘fake’, it had once been your real engagement ring. His expression turned to disappointed to say the least. 

_“Oh okay, okay. Well congrats, maybe next time!”_ He continued to stand outside of your door as he watched you go inside, you locked the door behind you and slid off the ring, sitting it beside your keys.

* * *

You spent the day watching three more of the movies on your list, The Craft, Hocus Pocus and A Nightmare on Elm St 3, as well as eating way too many crackers with garlic nut cheese (really, you should try it). You ran up and down the staircases from your apartment to the ground floor a few times. With winter approaching, this would probably take the place of your semi-daily jogging routine. Come 9 o’clock you started getting ready. You flipped your hair over and ran your fingers through it a few times, there wasn’t much else you could really do with it. Brushed your teeth, washed your face and moisturized. You were looking at yourself in the mirror, wearing the orange/gold bralette and form fitting, light washed Levi’s. Thanking the lord that you were blessed with your mama’s hips. You heard the door open and close.

_“Anyone home?”_ Sunny yelled down the hallway, you turned the corner while pulling on your wool cardigan. He saw you and raised an eyebrow, _“I don’t see any room for a holster so I’m assuming you planned to go out unarmed?”_

_“Oh no,”_ you leaned down to reach beside your boot, _“you’ve got a drop gun? Well I’ve got a drop knife!”_ You said while swiftly pulling out a Smith and Wesson boot knife. It wasn’t until then that you noticed him holding a small bouquet of flowers.

_ “Whatcha got there?”  _

_ “Oh, yeah! I was walking home this morning and passed this little guy selling flowers, he said these were the last ones of the season. They fit the atmosphere in here so I grabbed a few.”  _ He said while shrugging his shoulders.

You held a hand over your heart and spoke sarcastically, _“My heart, you shouldn’t have!”_ While taking the flowers and placing them in a vase on your entertainment table.

Sonny was wearing what could have been the same jeans from last night, a white fitted t-shirt and an army green, collared jacket. He looked nice in normal clothes. 

You walked toward the bar, shivering slightly. Sonny put his arm around your shoulders, _“Did you really expect to be warm, Cal??”_

_“Its wool, Dom! As soon as I get a few shots in me I’ll be fine.”_

You laughed and affectionately wrapped an arm around his waist as well. Arriving at Prohibition you saw that it was busy, but thankfully not as crowded as you'd expected. The two of you sat at the bar, he ordered some sort of a whisky on the rocks. You ordered yourself a rum and coke as well as the both of you a vodka bomb. 

_“Listen, woman, I’m not letting you get me drunk so you can take advantage of me.”_ Sonny teased. 

You laughed while throwing back your vodka bomb, 

_“I told you, I’m getting drunk tonight whether you’re showing me home or not. Keep up, Detective.”_

You both finished off your drinks and had two more shots each on top of that. Come 11, you were both drunk. Not slurred speech, sloppy, throwing up, but definitely drunk. Youth and tolerance were on your side but you and Sonny were almost on the same level. There was a little dance floor outside on the patio that was filling up fast, you grabbed Sonny’s hand and pulled him towards it. He got up but fake resisted. _“_

_I can’t dance, Cal, come on!”_ All while still walking behind you. 

You opened the door and the air was bitter, but the alcohol had made you both numb to it. You pulled him through the crowd, realizing how close everyone was. You decided that a spot near the center was fine, you turned around and without thinking, without remembering that this was your partner you were with, you slid a hand onto the back of Sonny’s neck. The liquid courage must’ve been getting to him too, as he slid an arm around your waist. You were trying to act casual, like you weren’t as drunk as you actually were. Inside, he was mentally beating himself up, convinced that you would think he was a creep. But your fingers on his neck felt good, it took everything in him not to pull you in closer. But as more people joined the crowd, they did it for him anyways. Soon an hour had passed and you were both were crying with laughter, watching each other’s and other people’s terrible dance moves. He spun you around and when you landed back facing him, your chest was against his. You felt like the wind had been knocked out of you as your fingers intertwined. For a moment he just looked at you, there was a look in his eye that you’d never seen before. On his end, he was staring at the most confusing person he’d ever met. He didn’t understand how being here with you, dancing and drinking, something that he’d done with plenty of other women over the years, it made him feel so alive this time. He was in awe of how free and natural you looked. He lifted his other hand from your waist and brought it up to your face, his thumb grazing your cheek as he slid it toward the back of your neck. Your heart was beating out of your fucking chest. You froze. You panicked. All of a sudden you were filled with fear and anxiety. 

_“I - Excuse me. I’ve gotta run to the rest room.”_

You pulled away from him and walked back inside, down the hallway toward the dimly lit ladies room. 

Back on the patio, both of Sonny’s hands went to his head. He wasn’t sure if he felt embarrassed or ashamed. He was beating himself up inside. Really? The day after he pretty much drags one of your most traumatic memories out of you he tries to force himself onto you? He felt like an absolute ass. He went back inside and sat at the bar, ordering two waters. 

Inside the restroom, your back was to a stall door and your hands were covering your eyes. It was a secret from your squad, but you had panic attacks. You knew how to manage and control them, you knew your triggers, so you didn’t feel it necessary for them to know. You splashed some water on your face and it helped you feel a little more sober, the liquor was wearing off anyways. A shit faced girl in a tight, red dress came out of the stall you'd been leaning against. The best place to be when you’re feeling down is in a bar’s ladies room. 

_“Girl, what is wrong? You look so sad, are you okaaay?”_ She had a very western accent, like she’d came straight here from California. You lifted your head up from your hands and dried your face with a paper towel. 

_“Yeah, I’m okay. I’m here with a guy that I’m not sure how I feel about.. but I think I just fucked it up either way.”_

You turned around to face her and she started to wash her hands. Her slightly slurred speech was making you feel better about how much more drunk she was than you. 

_“Listen, babes. You’re hot as hell, I doubt you fucked it up.”_ She started drying her hands with a towel, _“I don’t know the situation, but just take him home. It doesn’t matter if you sleep with him, just take him home.”_

Not the best advice that you’ve received while drunk I’m a bathroom before. You nodded your head and she extended her arms for what you assumed would be a hug. Why not, you hugged her like she was your best friend from back home before exiting down the hall. Entering the main room, you spotted Sonny sitting at the bar. You snuck up behind him and barely placed your hand on the small of his back before entering his line of sight, so you wouldn’t startle him. 

_“Is this one for me?”_

You asked while grabbing the second glass of water, bringing it to your lips for a sip. Before now you were unaware of how dehydrated you felt. 

_“What do you say, we calling it a night?_” You half were expecting him to look angry, like you’d led him on. He didn’t, he looked as warm and welcoming as ever. 

You slid off the bar stool and extended an arm, he took it and the two of you walked arm in arm out the door. At the stoop to your apartment he let go, _“Well, this looks like your stop.”_

Up until now you were assuming he was staying the night, _“You don’t want to stay?”_

_“That’s your call, do you want me to stay?”_ You were standing with both feet on the first step, with the few inches of leverage you were almost standing eye to eye when he approached you, waiting for your answer. 

All you could manage to get out was “_Yeah_.”, while holding eye contact with him. 

You lead, he followed you up the stairs. Although it looked like they finally got the elevator working again. Turning the corner to the hallway, you saw your neighbor locking his door. You slipped a hand in your pocket to slide on the fake engagement ring, turning around to Sonny and whispering in his ear, _“Play along.”_

You slid an arm around his waist and pulled his arm over your shoulder, faking a conversation about nothing in particular. You cast your gaze toward Alex and tried your best to act surprised. 

_“Hey, Alex! This is my fiancé I was telling you about! Dominick, this is my neighbor, Alex!”_

Sonny didn't miss a beat, you wondered how he hadn't been sent under cover more often.

“_Nice to meet ya, man. Call me Sonny!”_ He extended his free hand toward Alex without ever taking his other arm off of you. Alex looked.. oddly jealous. You didn’t know him that well, always rejected his advances. He awkwardly pretended he didn’t even see Sonny’s extended hand. 

_ “Oh, Calico tells me you just came back from deployment?” _

_“That’s right, and not goin’ anywhere anytime soon.”_ Sonny gazed down at you lovingly, you returned the look.

_"Well, it was nice to meet you, Dominick. Good to see you, Cal, I’m headed out for a hot date!”, _He excused himself.

You raised an eyebrow at the comment and responded, _“Be safe.”_

Unlocking the door you almost forgot that Sonny was behind you and started your usual after bar routine of kicking off your boots and throwing your cardigan over the recliner. 

_ “Listen, about what happened back there..”  _ You knew he was starting to apologize. 

_“Don’t apologize. Please don’t, I just panicked. I’m really good at doing that any time I start to get close to someone.”_ You tossed a throw blanket over your shoulder and grabbed his hand, leading him toward your balcony. You both sat down and you pulled the blanket over you, reaching for a secret cigarette and lighter stash in your plant stand. 

_“Don’t judge me, I like to smoke when I’ve been drinking.”_ You stuck a Camel Menthol between your lips and lit it, taking a long drag. You didn’t want to have this conversation, you didn’t know how you felt. 

_ “How do you feel when you get home late at night, Risi?” _

He looked at you confused, but it wasn’t a trick question. _“What do you mean?”_

_“I don’t know about you, but coming home to an empty apartment after a terrible, terrible day at work is the worst part of my day. Do you not feel incredibly lonely in those moments?”_

You were trying to see if he was on the same page as you in his day to day life. 

_“Well yeah, you could say that.. You wonder why I stay at work so late every night? I guess it’s easier to stay at work surrounded by you and the squad than to go home and just wait until it’s time to come back to work..”_

He was looking down at his hands in his lap. You extended one of yours, offering it to him. He took it, sliding his fingers between yours.

_“All I know is that I like being beside you.. whether it’s in the interrogation room, court, or on my couch. I just like being near you.”_

You leaned your head back against your chair and turned to look at him, he’d been looking at you since he took your hand. 

He knew exactly what you were saying without you having to finish your thought, _“Y’know, my back is killing me from that couch last night. What’d ya say we sleep in your bed tonight instead?”_ He gave you a small smile. 

You smiled back and flicked your cigarette butt over the balcony. He got up and lead you back inside, never letting go of your hand. In your room you pull on an over sized t-shirt while he pulled off his jacket and shirt. You started to unbutton your jeans and he looked surprised.

_ “I.. I don’t usually wear pants to bed, I can put on shorts?” _

_“No, you’re good.”_ He grinned a little and started unbuttoning his pants, as well. By now you were thanking God that you’d worn boyshorts instead of a thong. You were seeing Sonny as bare as you ever had, but you'd always found him attractive. Watching him let his temper get the best of him in the interrogation room, looking over computer and catching his blue eyes, seeing him cuff a perp and read them his rights. This weekend wasn't the first time you’d found yourself feeling an attraction _toward_ him. 

He laid down in the middle of the bed and pulled the blanket over him, arms open, welcoming you with a sweet smile on his face. 

_ “Come on, get over here.” _

You crawled in bed beside him and slid one arm under his pillow and the other across his stomach. You could feel the hair just below his belly button against your fingers. One of your legs curled around his as his arm went around your shoulder. The other went on your waist. You just laid your head against his chest, close to his collar. Neither of you said anything, neither of you needed to. He ran his fingers along your side, soothing you. At some point the arm around your shoulders moved to your head, he was stroking your hair. It was like he was rocking you to sleep, that along with listening to the calm beat of his heart.. Sonny thought you were already gone, and just before you drifted to sleep you felt him leave a small kiss on your head. That kiss put both of you under. 

__

* * *

A few hours passed, you and Sonny were woken up by a loud commotion in the hallway. You’d both shifted into the spooning position in your sleep. One of his arms was under your pillow, the other gripping your waist and holding you against him tightly. His face was buried against your neck. One of your hands was extended out in front of you, the other tucked under the pillow, entwined with his. It took a second for you both to realize that you recognized those sounds outside, radio chatter. You both jumped up and ran through your living room toward the door, opening it without even remembering that you were both half naked. You saw a group of uniformed officers huddled around the newly fixed elevator.

_ “God damn it, we can’t have anything nice for very long.”  _

You grabbed your badge off of the entertainment center and the two of you rushed down the hallway, tapping on the first officers shoulder that you saw. Before the officer turned around, Sonny said, _ “Detectives Carisi and Jack, SVU. What’s going on here?” _

The officer turned around, along with the one beside her. You both suddenly remembered how under dressed you were when you saw the faces of your Lieutenant and Sergeant.


	3. God Only Knows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3! I should have the 4th chapter out late tonight, and then I’ll be on vacation for a week. This one is very slow building. Once again, if anyone has any suggestions or comments please leave them below of inbox me directly. Chapter 4 should start tying together with the name of the story. Enjoy!

You were once again thanking God that you fell asleep in boyshorts instead of a thong as your Lieutenant and Sargent stood before you in your hallway. Olivia and Fin had the same surprised looks on their faces. 

_“Oh god.”_ You couldn’t manage to get anything else out. You and Sonny both just stood there, frozen and embarrassed. Olivia finally broke the silence with, “Maybe you two want to go put some clothes on.. Fin and I will come speak with you in a moment.”  How come this felt exactly like the time your mom caught you in bed with a guy a 17 years old.. You walked in front of Sonny back down the hall to save your coworkers and the other officers the site of your ass and bare thighs. You plopped down onto your bed on your back, crossing your arms over your face. 

_“Alright, what’s the story?”_ You asked as Sonny switched on your floor lamp. 

_“What, are we co-conspirators trying to get our stories straight before talking to the cops?” _

He was not anywhere near as phased by this event as you were. He threw some shorts from your dirty clothes pile at you and started pulling on his jeans from the night before. 

_ “I mean, yeah, pretty much! You know how that looked, right?”  _

He laid down beside you on the bed, both of you staring up at the ceiling. 

_ “We tell them the truth, Cali. I got drunk at the bar last night and you let me sleep it off at your place. Fin’s gonna bust my balls later, but I’m not gonna lie.”  _

He was right, nothing  did  happen. And his story wasn’t a lie either. 

The two of you relocated to the living room, Liv and Fin joined you a few minutes later. Not wanting to immediately bring up what they’d witnessed, Olivia asked if either of you had heard anything throughout the night. You both reassured her that you’d been out late drinking at the bar and crashed shortly after getting back to your apartment. 

_“So aside from the dead woman in the elevator, you two know we have to talk about the second most shocking thing I’ve seen this evening.. If something is going on, that’s fine, but you’ll have to be reassigned to new partners.”_

_“No, no, this was my bad, Liv! We both got a little too drunk at the bar and Cal let me crash at her place. Really, it wasn’t what it looked like.” _ Sonny was so animated when he spoke that it didn’t matter what he’d said, it looked like a lie. Plus, who would believe that two adults in their underwear at 2 am  weren’t sleeping with each other? But just like that, it was as if Olivia had completely forgotten about the conversation.

_ “The bar? Which bar were you two at?” _

_“Prohibition, why?” _

You raised the back of your hand to show her the entry stamp with the bar’s name. Liv stood up and started toward the door, the three of you following her down the hallway. 

_ “Our vic, she has the same stamp on her hand. You recognize her?” _

The crowd of officers had thinned out to just 2 or 3, along with the Medical Examiner and Crime Scene. Sonny, in front of you denies having seen the girl. You step around him to see Melinda crouched over a fair skinned girl, about your age. She was wearing heals and a tight, red dress that was pushed up above her waist. Her eyes were still open, she had ligature marks and bruises forming on her neck and thighs. It was the girl you’d met in the restroom at Prohibition just a few hours ago. 

_ “Yeah, I talked to her for a minute in the bathroom.. She was pretty wasted. Slurring her speech but she could still hold a train of thought.. How long has she been gone?”  _

You’d never worked a case involving someone you knew. Even though you didn’t know this girl either, it still sent a chill up your spine to think that you may have been one of the last people to speak with her. 

_“Two hours at the most. Strangulation. No semen but there’s lubricant residue, your perp used a condom. It doesn’t look like she was raped here, though. Any idea why your suspect would drag her body all the way to the elevator and just leave her here?” _ Melinda was scraping the girl’s hands in case she’d scratched her attacker. 

_“This elevator is usually out of order. Either he thought no one would bother to use it or he wanted her to be found soon.”_

You knelt down beside her near her face and closed her eyes. By now you were especially glad that Sonny had decided to come with you that night, this could’ve been you.

Olivia put a hand on your back,  _“Did she say anything to you about who she was with?”_

_“She didn’t,” _ you giggled between thoughts,  _“She actually tried to give me advice. Said you should always bring a guy home from the bar, even if you don’t plan on sleeping with him.” _ You weren’t laughing because it was funny, it was just ironic.

_“So that’s what females talk about when they go to the bathroom in groups.” _ Carisi said, trying to lighten the mood. 

Olivia nodded and resumed,  _“Okay, well, if you two want to get properly dressed and start knocking on doors to see if any neighbors heard anything -“_

_ “Actually, Liv.. I don’t exactly want my neighbors knowing I’m a cop. I just don’t like bringing work home with me, if that’s okay..”  _

You interrupted. You weren’t ashamed of being a cop, you chose to not tell any of your neighbors for this reason exactly. In case anything ever happened, you could lay low while still keeping good surveillance on the place. 

_“That’s fine, I get it. Carisi and I can take over interviews and -“ _ She was interrupted again, this time by Sonny.

_“Uh, there might be a problem with that too, Lieu..” _ He ushered the lot of you down the hallway, stepping back into the apartment and right beside you, closing the door behind him.  _“So, uh.. a few of Cal’s neighbors might be under the impression that we’re um... engaged.”_

Your arms were previously crossed but one instantly flew to your forehead, you started laughing out of nervousness. You’d forgotten all about the little white lie you’d told your neighbor. It all seemed so funny to you now. Just as your were questioning your feelings toward Sunny, questioning if you even  had  feelings towards him, you’d both dug yourselves into a hole that you doubted your superiors would let you crawl out of easily. Olivia and Fin looked more surprised than ever, they sat down on your couch like parents waiting for their children’s explanations. Sonny had also started to feel the embarrassment, his face grew pink and warm but the sounds of your contagious laughter made him start giggling as well.

With your face still in your hands, between giggles you managed to get out,  _“We’re not, oh my god, I swear. I have this creepy neighbor and I told him that I was engaged so he’d leave me alone. So I had to either find someone to get engaged to or introduce him to Sonny who was already conveniently here.” _ The two of you composed yourselves and wiped laughter tears from your faces. 

Fin spoke to Olivia without casting his gaze from either of you or changing his facial expression,  _“You buying this, Liv?”_

_“I’m.. I’m not sure, Fin.” _ Both of their jaws were slightly ajar. Sonny’s hand was covering his mouth to hide his grin. It dawned on all of you right then that you and Sonny may still be slightly tipsy. Olivia put her hands on both of her knees, getting up from the couch,  _“Well, since you live here Calico, I want you to be discreetly canvassing and talking to your neighbors casually about if they know anything.” _ She and Fin started towards the door, exiting back toward the crime scene. 

You lock the door behind them and lean over the kitchen island, burying your face in your arms and letting out a loud sigh of frustration. Carisi stares at you for a moment, head slightly tilted and hands in his pockets, realizing he has the perfect opportunity.. He walks up behind you and nudges the back of your knee with his foot, causing your leg to give out underneath you. You catch yourself and turn around fast with a look of disbelief on your face, mouth open wide.

_“Always expect the unexpected, Jack.” _ He mocks while wearing a shit eating grin and waving a finger at you. 

You step towards him while your open mouth turns into a playful smile, 

_ “I can’t believe you would use -“ _

_“Your maiden name? My apologies, Mrs. Carisi.”_

This was him, this was the Sonny you knew. Poking fun and teasing you at any chance he got. You loved it, most people in this city had let life make them cold. It was a huge contrast to your friends and family back in Tennessee. Sonny being playful even in times like these made you feel at home. 

_ “Oh shut up! I better not hear you egging this on at the station on Monday either.”  _

You strolled past Sonny and headed back to the bedroom, he followed closely behind. Inside the room the two of you started getting undressed. He paused unbuttoning his pants as he watched you pull off your shorts. He felt his breathing getting heavier as you stretched your arms high above your head, causing your shirt to ride up to your bellybutton. He snapped out of it when your voice brought him back.

_“I guess we can get up early and start canvassing.”_

You rubbed your sleepy face and Sonny’s trance broke. He continued getting undressed, right down to his boxer briefs. He clicked off the floor lamp and crawled back into bed, one arm out and the other holding the comforter open for you. You assumed the same position you did just a few hours ago. One arm under his pillow, the other across his waist, your top leg curled up across his. His arms wrapped around you, tracing your back.

_“Maybe,” _ Sonny finally responded, it was more of a whisper as it came out low and close to your ear, _“I’m comfortable right now though.”_

You didn’t respond, you didn’t need to. His stroking lulled you back to sleep again. 

*******************************************

You woke up around 9 a.m., you’d rolled onto your stomach in your sleep. You’d always been a stomach sleeper. Your arms were gripping one of the pillows tightly while Sonny was to the left of you, gripping you the same way you were the pillow. You hadn’t taken him for such a cuddler. The room was freezing again, even with the blankets wrapped tightly around the two of you. You were starving, and sure that Sonny would be too as soon as he woke up. You shimmied out of his grip and slid out from under the covers. Your bare legs felt icy, you pulled on a pair of fleece leggings and your old Air Force hoodie, throwing your hair up into a messy bun in the meantime. You snuck out of the bedroom and headed toward the kitchen, setting ingredients out to make pancakes. You plugged your phone up and turned it down low enough to not wake Sonny, searching through Spotify for The Beach Boys. It was a guilty pleasure of yours, older music that your parents played for you when you were a kid. Plus you were silently dreading that the air would soon be much colder than it already was, which reminded you that you needed to call maintenance about your heat turning off randomly during the night. You were quietly singing along and swaying your hips to the music, mixing everything together by hand while your cast iron skillet heats up. The song soon switched from  Kokomo to  God Only Knows.  Behind you, Sonny had stirred from his sleep. You hadn’t heard him open the door and stumble down the hall. He stopped at the corner to lean against the wall, watching you sway softly. Listening to you sing the words - 

_ I may not always love you _

_ But long as there are stars above you _

_ You never need to doubt it _

_ I'll make you so sure about it _

_ God only knows what I'd be without you _

Even imitating their bops and beeps. He decided he didn’t want to scare you, so he took a few steps back out of sight and shut the bedroom door loud enough for you to hear. You turned around saw him turning the corner, he had a sleepy smile on his face. Your face lit up with a grin, this was the first time he noticed your radiant smile, how infectious it was. 

_“I’m so sorry, was my music too loud?” _ You twisted the knob on your radio, turning it down a bit. 

_“No, no, I didn’t take you for a Beach Boys fan though.” _ He rounded the island and started pouring grinds into the coffee machine. 

_“Yeah, I like listening to it when I’m missing my family back home. My parents love the older stuff. Don’t even ask me about how much Johnny Cash and Elvis I know.__”_ You laughed and turned the music back up just hair.  _“This one’s mine and my Dad’s song. I need to call him later.” _

Sonny could tell that your family was weighing heavily on your mind,  _“Yeah? What’s your pops do for a living?”_

_ “He’s a detective with the TBI in Tennessee. Former military, blah blah blah. It’s safe to say I followed in his foot steps.”  _

You looked up from your mixing bowl and asked, 

_ “Blueberry or chocolate chip?”_

_“Oh, blueberry.”_ He leaned back against the island,  _“And your mom?”_

You hesitated, trying to not sound cold. 

_ “Uh, I think she owns a dog boarding facility these days.”_

Sonny detected there was more there, but he didn’t want to push the subject._ “You’ve got a sister too, right? You know I’ve got 3 of them so I get growing up with them can be rough!”_

A smile crept across your face thinking about your little sister. If there was one thing your parents did right, it was having nearly back to back children. You’d always been thankful for that.

_ “Yeah, yeah but I gotta say I don’t agree. Maddie and I are best friends, I miss her a lot.” _

Sonny had never pressed much about your family, really no one in the squad had.  _“You haven’t been down to see them since coming up here?”_

You started pouring pancake mixture into the oiled up skillet, you liked talking about your family with Carisi. You liked that the two of both had strong family ties, it was something you couldn’t really talk about with the rest of the squad. 

_ “Nope, not yet. My sister is still in school so maybe I’ll make my way down there if it gets too cold up here while she’s on break.”_

_“Yeah speaking of, I think your central heating is shot.” _ Sonny starting pouring up two mugs of coffee. 

You flipped a pancake carefully, remembering that he was probably freezing in just his boxer briefs, 

_ “I think I have one of my Dad’s old Air Force sweatshirts in my closet and some men’s pajama pants in the bottom drawer.”_

Sonny raced down the hallway with the thought of getting warm on his brain. The bed felt extra cold to him when he’d woken up without you in it. He came back out a few minutes later sporting your Dad’s old sweater and the plaid, fleece pajamas. You were sliding the pancakes onto two plates when you noticed how short the pants were on him. He lifted his ankle up, asking  “seriously?”  with just his facial expression. You chuckled and slid the plates in front of two barstools that sat at the island. 

_ “Ha, sorry, you’re a little taller than most of the men I, uh..”  _

You hesitated. You weren’t concerned about anyone thinking you got around. But that you liked your private life just that,  private.

_“Bring home?” _ Sonny finished your sentence while sticking a bite of blueberry pancake into his mouth.

You shrugged your shoulders while sliding him the maple syrup. 

_ “Well, no. It’s usually the other way around. I don’t let most of my dates know where I live.”_

_“As your fiancé, I am honored that you decided I was different.” _ He sounded as sarcastic as possible. You’d nearly forgotten about everything that happened in the middle of the night before then. Then, it dawned on you. 

Sonny saw your expression change instantly,  _“Sorry, sorry, I’ll drop the fiancé act!” _ while throwing his hands up like he was surrendering. 

_ “No, you remember my neighbor, the creepy one?”  _

_ “He’s the reason we’re getting married, how could I forget?”  _ Right b ack at it in an instant with the sarcasm. 

_ “Before we went in he said he had a hot date. Our vic told me that she always brought a guy home. If he left for Prohibition right after we went inside -“ _

Sonny cut you off, already clicking with your train of thought.  _“She was probably still there when he showed up. She was only dead for two hours max, he wouldn’t have even had to loosen her up because she was already drunk.”_

You were feeding off of each other now, like you two usually do when you get a hunch. You followed him with, 

_ “She doesn’t live here, so the suspect probably does since you can’t get in without a keycard or being buzzed up.”_

He shoved the last bite of his pancake into his mouth and stood up from the barstool,  _“Alright, I’ll call Liv and see if they found anything else here last night.”_

_ “No, I haven’t even touched my breakfast yet. I’ll call Liv while I finish eating, you go shower. We can run by your place after so you can change.”  _

You grabbed your phone off the AUX and started dialing while shoving your first bite of pancake into your mouth. Sonny nodded his head and started toward the shower. 

***********************************************

Sonny came out a short while later, wearing his jeans from last night again and your Dad’s sweatshirt. You didn’t have the styling gel he uses for his hair, it was odd to see him looking like he’s just been rained on from the shoulders up.

_“You are the only woman I’ve ever met that doesn’t have a million hair products. Oh my god, my hair’s gonna dry like this.”_ He’d found a disposable comb and was trying to comb his hair into place to stop it from drying flat. 

_ “I do my best to not anger the mop on my head, Sonny. Here, I’ve gotta shower too. Come in here in 5 and talk to me.”  _

You shouted as you ran towards your bedroom. When you and Sonny got on a roll, there was nothing holding you back. Five minutes passed and Sonny knocked on your master bathroom door, not waiting for an answer before coming in.  _“What’d Liv say?”_

_ “No DNA evidence, no cameras at the bar. They spoke to the bartender at Prohibition as he was closing up. He said he saw the girl walk down the hallway towards the bathrooms but never saw her come back. There’s an exit at the end of that hallway that she could’ve gone out of -“ _

Sonny interrupted,  _“or been dragged out of.”_

_“That too.” _ You we’re massaging your scalp with conditioner.  _“But Melinda did determine that she was likely strangled with something like a rope. The fibers were very soft though, not rough and course like a regular rope. No murder weapon left anywhere in the building so the suspect has either dumped it or they’re hiding it inside their apartment.”_

Sonny was leaning against the bathroom door with his arms crossed,  _“Anyone in her personal life we need to go talk to?”_

_“Nope, she moved here last month from California for school. Lives in an apartment by herself about 30 minutes away. Doesn’t have any friends or family on this side of the country.” _ You’d stalked her Facebook page, too. 

You shut off the water and reached out for a towel, shaking out your hair and wrapping the towel tightly around you before stepping out. Sunny straightened up from his lean against the door. Seeing you dripping, skin glistening, hair hanging down in your face. He’d never realized how many freckles you had until now, on the bridge of your nose and scattered across your chest. He held his breath for what seemed like forever. 

_ “Her name was Annie.” _

_“What?”_ He’d heard you say words, but couldn’t understand them. Everything was being drowned out, it sounded like he was under water. He snapped his gaze up from the drop of water sliding off of your fingertip back to your eyes.

_ “Annie, that’s her name.” _

_“Oh.” _ Was all he could manage to get out. 

You noticed his stare this time and took a step towards him. Looking him right back in the eyes, he felt like his legs were cinder blocks. He couldn’t move, he didn’t even know if he wanted to. You took a few more steps and leaned against the same door he was on the opposite edge of. 

_“She told me to take you home last night, y’know. Said that she’d seen us dancing together.” _ Your voice got lower, smoother. You told a little lie, just so that he wouldn’t know you’d been scared about getting close to him.

The two of you had just spent the whole night against each other, keeping each other warm from your cold apartment. But that felt different that the two of you standing inches apart now. It’d felt different than when you were pressed against each other between dozens of other sweaty bodies at the bar last night. There was electricity right now, static. Sonny felt his heart beating out of his chest, he knew his breathing was getting heavier and was trying his best to slow it without looking obvious. A grin flashed across your face because you knew what you were doing to him. You turned to face the mirror, breaking that connection. 

_ “I told her we were just friends. Apparently her advice only worked for the half of us, anyways.” _

Sonny wiped water from his forehead, he wasn’t sure if it was from the steam of the shower or from his rising body temperature. 

_“Liv wants us to take this case since I’ve got a good eye on the place. I’ll meet you in the living room when I’m ready.”_

Sonny wasn’t able to mutter a word. He walked into the living room and sat down on the sofa, elbows over his knees, brow furrowed. He didn’t understand what had just happened. He’d gone out with plenty of girls, had a few one nighters (against his faith and good judgement). None of them had stopped him dead in his tracks like seeing you, seeing his partner, like that. Over the past year the two of you had grown so close as friends, best friends really. You’d both listened to the squad make jokes about you being secretly in love. Your chemistry flowed so well when you were on the brink of solving a case, but now it was flowing in a different way. Seeing his partner as her true self, the side that you didn’t show to the squad. He glanced up a few minutes later and saw you coming out of the hallway..


	4. Bet it all on Jack

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys, I’m super excited for this chapter because it’s the last “filler” for a while. Next chapter, I slowly start turning up the heat. I’m about to go out of the country for a week, so next update will either be tonight or around the 12th. Bare with me. Please, if you have any suggestions, comment them below or inbox me. Also, for sections with a bunch of dialogue between Sonny and Cal, Sonny will be indented to the left and Cal will be to the right. For any sections with extended dialogue between Sonny/Cal and another person, Sonny/Cal will be on the right and the other person will be on the left. 
> 
> PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHICH POV YOU LIKE BETTER, how I’ve been doing it so far, or the Cali/Sonny POV’s that I included for a brief time during this chapter.

Light washed, fitted mom jeans that were tucked into your black boots, a plain black t shirt that was tucked in tight, and an army green button up jacket. Sonny looked you up and down, noticing your “drop knife” clip on the outside of your boot.

_“Have you always carried that knife?” _ He questioned, trying to sound like you hadn’t just been making him sweat, and he hadn’t just been sizing you up.

_“Yep, whenever I’m wearing boots.” _ You were pulling your bag over your head and handing Sonny his jacket from last night. Grabbing keys and sliding your fake engagement ring on your finger. Just as you were locking the door behind you in the hallway, you hear your neighbors door open. Sonny snakes his hand around your waist, pulling your hip to his. 

Sonny turns his head to Alex and flashes him a fake smile, _“Morning, man! How’d your date go last night?”_

_“Huh?”_ Alex looked confused for a split second before remembering and forcing out a fake laugh, _“Oh! Yeah, she was alright. Not sure that I’ll be bringing her home again..”_

So he did bring someone home last night, you turned from the door and leaned into Sonny, playing up the couple facade. “Boo, that sucks. I’d love to have another couple around here to hang out with.” You place a hand on Sonny’s chest and look up at him, “Wouldn’t that be fun, babe?”

Babe. His heart sank for a second. Just a split second, while you looked up into his soft eyes and he couldn’t stop himself from glancing down at your pouty lips. You didn’t notice it, but Alex did. His fists gripped tight inside his pockets. Sonny mumbled out an _“Mhm”_ before turning his eyes back toward Alex, he noticed his jaw clenched tight. 

_“We could have game night every week!”_ Sonny was trying to lighten the mood before you caught onto what only the two of them had seen. 

_“I, uh, actually came out here to see if you guys heard anything about what happened last night?”_ The two of you looked at each other, in reality it was in excitement, but you played it off as confusion and ignorance. 

You tilted your head and Sonny asked, _“No, man, what happened?”_

Alex crossed his arms and nodded toward the elevator, _“Something about a body in the elevator... I don’t know, I didn’t ask too many questions.”_

You brought a hand to your chest, faking being shocked, _“Oh my gosh, it wasn’t any of our neighbors, was it??”_

_“No, no, I don’t think so! Probably just some..”_ He paused for a second. You could see a flash of hate in his eyes, _“.. some slut.”_

You knew this pissed off Sonny. Being the only son in his family, he was protective over girls. His sisters, you, Amanda and Liv. And usually his female victims too. He gripped your waist tighter, _“Well, we’ve gotta head to the airport to pick up my luggage, there was a mix up yesterday.”_ He gave a forced smile, but you could see the frustration in his eyes. 

_“But hey, you gonna be here later, Alex?”_ You were trying to scope out a timeline of his day to day life. 

_“Uh, I dunno. I’ll probably be out most of the day.”_ Alex gripped his door handle and started back inside, glaring at the hand Sonny had on you. Sonny never taking his eyes off of him. 

_“Alright, well we’ll see you later, bud.”_ Sonny nodded at your neighbor and brought his arm up around your shoulder, walking faster than usual down the hallway. You thought this case was only going to be tough for you. You got down a few flights of steps and he was walking way too fast for you, you stopped him in the stairwell, turning him toward you. 

_ “Hey, slow down, Dom. Are you okay?” _

He pulled his hand from your shoulder and shoved them in his pockets, pursing his lips and avoiding your eyes. _“I don’t like you living right next to him, Cal. What if he IS our perp? You could be living beside a rapist murderer that obviously already has something for you.”_

You gave him an annoyed look and began walking back down the stairs at a slower pace, _“You’ve watched me take down much, much bigger guys than him. Plus, I’m spoken for, remember?”_

The worry melted from his face and as you flashed you a sarcastic smile, _“Yeah but I’m not gonna be here all the time.”_

The two of you exited your building and started down the street towards Sonny’s apartment. _“One step at a time, Sonny. We don’t even have any evidence that it’s him.”_

_ “Yeah, well, he gives me a bad feeling either way..” _

You arrived at his steps a short while later, _“Hey I’m gonna wait out here, okay?”_ You say while trying to sneak a cigarette out of your bag. 

_“Only when you’re drunk, huh?”_ He said as he jogged up the steps. You sit on his stoop and take long draws, you’d cut back a lot and really were trying to stop. You pull out your phone to see a text from a number you don’t recognize.

_ When are you coming back home? _

You knew who it was. And you knew that by _“home”_, they meant back to Tennessee. Another number to add to your blocked list. Liv had texted you as well, asking if you could look at footage from the cameras in you hallway, but you knew that they were just decoy cameras. Your property manager thought they’d be enough to deter criminal activity. Apparently Annie’s killer knew the same as you. Sonny came down minutes later, he’d been able to save his hair and had changed into some nice, navy blue pants and a button up under his jacket. He sat down beside you before you noticed him and saw you hitting **“Block this Caller”** on your iPhone. 

_“Everything okay?”_, he sounded concerned. He knew that there were still things about your home life that you didn’t feel comfortable sharing with him. 

You flashed him a sweet smile, _“Mhm, just a spam caller.”_

You almost sounded believable. He stood up from the steps and extended his hand, helping you up. The two of you entered the precinct in no time, the gang was all there. Working on their off day, as usual. 

_“Well, well, well, if it isn’t the happy couple!”_ Fin leaned back in his chair with a sarcastic grin on his face, intertwining his fingers.

Olivia and Fin hadn’t let the rest of the precinct in on the joke yet, one or two patrol officers patted Sonny on the back. One even said _“Good job, man.”_ You were both holding back laughter until Amanda noticed the engagement ring on your finger, you’d forgotten to take it off after leaving your apartment building. 

_“Wait hold up -“_ She grabbed your hand and looked back and forth at you and Carisi, _“Is this legit?”_

_“Oh god, no, I forgot to take that off!”_ You pulled your hand from hers and slid the ring off of your finger as fast as possible, dropping it into your jacket pocket and zipping it up. 

_“You know, I take offense to that, Cal. You’d be lucky to find a guy like me!”_ He rolled in his chair over to yours and bumped it, pushing you into your desk. You lifted your feet up onto it like you usually do, to Olivia’s disdain. 

_“Risi, I would kill somebody SO fast for a guy like you.”_ You meant it, Amanda knew you meant it, Fin knew you meant it. But it was lighthearted in nature at that time, in that setting. 

_“Ya know, that’s awfully suspicious considering we found a dead girl 100 feet from where you two were sleeping half naked last night.”_ Fin went too far. You turned pink in an instant, thanking God that it was Sunday and the precinct wasn’t nearly as full as it usually was.

Amanda’s jaw dropped, _“Okay, okay, wait, now I’m really confused!”_

Sonny saw your embarrassment and stepped in, _“Alright, you’ve had your fun. We were NOT naked.”_

_“But you’re engaged, Jack??”_ Still not understanding where the engagement ring came from. You tried to respond with a “No!”, but they were having their fun and Sonny interrupted. 

_“That’s Mrs. Carisi to you, Amanda!”_ He joked while waving a sarcastic finger her direction.

Olivia walked out of her office at the sound of laughter coming from her squad. You pulled your feet down from the desk quickly, _“Jack, Carisi, Melinda is waiting for you to go over your vic. She’s been generous enough to lend us her time on a Sunday, please don’t keep her waiting.”_

Sonny stands up and stretches out his arm for you, looking down at you like he was both amused and slightly embarrassed. You denied it and pulled yourself up, arms crossed in with a fake upset attitude, _“You know what, I changed my mind about killing somebody for you. My future husband would never treat me like this!” _

You were headed out the door as he followed behind you, _“Oh so now it was for ME? I thought it was just for a guy LIKE me, Cal?”_

Olivia sat down across from Fin, and Amanda turned to look at the both of them. The three of them sat in silence for a minute until Amanda broke it, _“So, y’all know I don’t gamble much anymore.. but are we gonna start placing bets on whatever’s going on there?”_

Fin pulls out his wallet quickly, _“I was just about to sugg-“_

Before Olivia interrupts, _“No, we will not be! They’re a great team, don’t make things awkward between them. You guys are one more two weeks notice away from Dodd’s reassigning me.”_

Rafael strolls in, unusual for him on a Sunday, _“Who’s putting in their two weeks?”_

_“No one, Barba, what are you doing off of your yacht on a Sunday afternoon?”_ Olivia interjected before Amanda or Fin could bring up the topic.

_ “In this weather? Please, us Cubans aren’t built for this. I came by to see if Calico was available for lunch. She’s not answering the phone or at her apartment. Has anyone heard from her?” _

_“Yeah, her and Carisi are talking to Melinda now about a rape homicide in her apartment building last night. They’ll be back up in a minute, have a seat.”_ Fin was playing nice to get Olivia back inside her office. It worked, she returned to her desk and put her reading glasses back on, attempting to catch up on paperwork. 

Barba sat in your chair and Fin slid over, leaning close and speaking low so Olivia couldn’t hear. Amanda scooched forward just hair so she could listen in, _“Barb, are you up to speed on the Carisi/Cali situation?”_

_ “There’s a situation?” _

_ “Yeah, me and Liv caught them in bed together last night and -“ _

Amanda and Barba interrupted in unison, _“In bed together?!”_

__

_ “No, not like that. Well, kind of like that. Listen, Barba. You offer to take Cali out to lunch and I’m gonna go out with Carisi and we can get the deets.” _

_“Me? Shouldn’t this be something she gossips about with Rollins?”_ Barba says as he points at Amanda. 

_ “Nuhuh, we aren’t as close as y’all are. She’ll talk to you before she talks to me.” _

_ “Now, in the mean time, what’s your first bet Amanda?”  _ Fin raises his eyebrow with a grin across his face while pulling his wallet back out.

Fin and Amanda placed their bets and just as you were about to open the door to the M.E.’s office, you feel Sonny grab your shoulder and you stop, _“Listen, don’t be mad at me."_

You weren’t, how could you be? His eyes were still so soft but looking at you like he felt responsible. _“I’m not, Dom.”_

_“Hey, don’t short answer me, please. Listen if we get defensive and deny it, rumors are gonna spread like wildfire, you know that. But if we play along and cut up about it, everyone will just think we’re joking!”_ He didn’t even realize what he’d said until you took a second to respond. _“Wait, that’s not wh-“_

You let go of Melinda’s door knob and took a step towards him, you thought it was hilarious when he got nervous, but he’d dug the hole for himself this time. _“Are we not just joking, Sonny?”_

He couldn’t respond. You waited and waited. He wanted you to break eye contact so bad, because looking into your eyes he just couldn’t think of what words to say. A smile creeping across your face just as Melinda opens the door and nearly runs into the two of you. 

_ “Oh! I was about to come see if you two were here, your vic’s blood tests just came back.” _

You turned from Sonny and followed her to the autopsy table. You were still semi bothered by the fact that you’d just spoken to this girl less than 24 hours ago. She was pretty. Maybe it’s just something that happens when you’re dead, but her cheeks looked so smooth. She had nobody here, nothing, and someone still decided to take advantage of her. You were still staring at her when Sonny placed a hand on your shoulder, he knew how personally you took some of your cases. You cleared your throat, _“I’m uh, I’m assuming she had a lot of alcohol in her system?”_

_“Some, right at the legal driving limit.”_ Melinda shrugged before adding _“but she did have a considerate amount of Rohypnol in her system.”_

_“Alright, well, we should probably go back tonight to ask any regulars if they’d seen her with anyone.”_ Sonny crossed his arms across his chest and you nodded your head in agreeance. 

You followed each other back up to the squad room, finding Barba sitting in your desk in a semi circle with Fin and Amanda. 

You threw your hands up, _“So you guys have Rafaela in on your conspiracy now, too?”_

Barba swiveled his chair around and greeted you with a smile before getting up, kissing you on the cheek, _“Of course not! I came by because you weren’t answering your phone, come on, let’s get lunch.”_

It wasn’t a question, he grabbed you by the arm before you could protest. But you were a little hungry anyways, and you had hours to burn before the college crowd went out for drinking anyways. 

** ~~~~ SONNY’S POV ~~~~ **

I was standing at my desk, watching her being dragged away by Barba. Was there something going on with them? They spent a lot of time together, more than we usually did. I’d forgotten for a second that I wasn’t alone in the precinct and sat down in my chair, rubbing my two fingers on the bridge of my nose and letting out a loud sigh. 

Fin stood up and grabbed his coat off the back of his chair, slapping me on the shoulder, _“How about we grab some grub at that Mexican place on 3rd?_”

_ “Sounds good, man. Amanda, you coming?” _

_ “Nah, I’ve gotta get home to relieve my sitter soon.” _

I followed Fin out of the precinct with my hands tucked into my pockets. As soon as our waiter seated us I could tell by Fin’s face that he didn’t just want to have lunch. 

_ “You remember how I told you that if anything happened between you and Cal, I wanted us to drop the badges for a minute? Talk like buddies in the locker room?” _

_ “Yeah, yeah. I know how it looked, Fin, but seriously nothing happened.” _

_ “I got you.. but I am curious about the actual story. Come on, man. You were both in your underwear at her apartment in the middle of the night, and after going out drinking?” _

I scratched my head for a second, really trying to come up with a better excuse. But ultimately decided that I needed someone I could confide in. 

_ “Alright, long story short, we ended up falling asleep watching a movie on Friday. We woke up on her couch together, whatever. That morning she mentioned that she was going out drinking alone and I was worried, cause that’s what I do. So I go with her that night, we drink, we dance -“ _

_ “You danced?” _

_ “Oh my god, Fin, and I think I tried to kiss her, but she pushed me away and said she needed to go to the bathroom.” _

I was talking a mile a minute, barely letting Fin get a word in. 

_ “Wait, you tried to kiss her??” _

_ “Yes - No - I don’t know! Anyways, she came out and we left. When we got to her apartment I tried to tell her goodbye, but she asked me if I wanted to stay. So I stayed and when we got upstairs I tried to apologize for trying to kiss her, or whatever I was trying to do, and then she just told me to stop!” _

I don’t know why I was getting to worked up, it was like for the first time in the past day and a half I was trying to gather all of my thoughts without having to play it cool around her. 

_ “... And?” _

_ “...And then we just talked. We talked about how much it sucks to sleep alone after a lot of these cases..” _

My voice was slowing now.

_ “Then I asked if I had to sleep on her couch again tonight. She let me sleep in her bed and uh.. I don’t know. I don’t know if it was me that wanted to be close to her or if I felt like she wanted to be close to me and I just wanted to make her happy, I don’t know.” _

Fin was just watching me with raised eyebrows, he was giving me time to get out the rest of what I needed to get out. 

_ “I’m not gonna lie, everyone knows I’ve always had a little crush on Cal. Just a little school crush! We clicked as soon as she joined the squad and I mean, she’s good lookin’ you know? Jesus Christ, I don’t know.. I thought we were like best friends before this, but these past two days she’s started opening up to me, telling me bits and pieces about the subjects she usually avoids.” _

_“Like her family??”_

Everyone knew that Cal didn’t go into her background. If you ever asked her about her childhood or most of her family, she’d always sarcastically say “that’s confidential information”. She said it to brush it off, to deny an answer without stepping on toes. 

_ “Yeah, and I feel like she wants to open up to me, man.. But I’ve never felt an attraction like this to someone so I’m confused! Am I just into her physically? Because I don’t wanna ruin a friendship if that’s the case. Am I like, actually into her, because if so I don’t want to miss my opportunity. But what if she doesn’t like me at ALL and I’m just misjudging the entire situation?” _

I had my elbows up on the table when the waitress brought out our entrees, my forehead being held up by my hands. Fin took a second before responding. 

_ “Okay.. well.. I just want to go on the record and say that I completely saw this coming. And also that it doesn’t sound as complicated as you’re making it out to be.” _

_ “Then explain it to me, Fin, because I’ve never in my LIFE met someone this complicated.” _

_ “Just keep doing what you’re doing! Personally, I think she’s got it bad for you, but you can’t rush things with someone that doesn’t like being rushed.” _

I shook my head and agreed, it was true. I don’t know what I was feeling, but it wasn’t nothing. And I was lucky enough to even have her as one of my best friends, considering we’d only met about a year ago. If I tried speeding things up, she might think I’m moving too fast.

_ “Is something going on with her and Barba?” _

This time, Fin nearly choked on a tortilla chip. It made me laugh, finally, some relief.

_ “Out of all of the things you just told me you’re worried about, that one shouldn’t even be on the list. No, man, they’re like brother and sister.” _

** ~~~~ CALI’S POV ~~~~ **

Barba and I sat down at a little cafe, I ordered some soup for the worsening weather outside and he ordered a flatbread. 

_ “So how was your date with Detective Carisi?”_

_ “Don’t start, Rafa. You know it wasn’t a date.” _

I shot him a glare that told him I knew what he was up to. 

_ “No? So you asked me to help you pick out an outfit that would impress “a friend” and Carisi conveniently ended up half nude in your bed that night?” _

He lifted an eye brow while looking at me, sipping his coffee. 

_“We were just....”_ I started that sentence off so confidently and realized halfway through that it really wasn’t going to help my case, my hand went to my forehead in an attempt to hide my guilt, _“...cuddling...”_

That know it all grin crept across his smug face. 

_ “Do you have feelings for him, Detective?” _

A loud sigh escaped from my mouth. 

_ “Ugh, I don’t know, Rafa.. I opened up to him about some things because I figured I could scare him away but I don’t think it worked.” _

_ “Is that a good thing or a bad thing?” _

_ “I don’t know about anything right now.. I liked how it felt talking to him on a deeper level, you know? I liked being close to him last night. I felt comfortable being vulnerable for once, you know I don’t let that happen often.” _

_“Mhm, well listen, mi amor. Myself and your coworkers have been watching you and Carisi swoon over each other for the past year.” _He took a sip from his mug between thoughts,_ “And I, personally, want to see you happy. Not going home with random guys so you can feel close to someone for a single night anymore."_

Our food came out and the two of us sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes. 

_ “I, uh, got another text from ‘home’ again this morning..” _

Rafa looked up from his sandwich, frustrated.

_ “Please just make an official report this time.. He’s violating a life time order of protection, Cali.” _

_ “Nothing can be done from up here, Rafa. New York isn’t going to extradite him from Tennessee over an OOP violation. I just needed to let someone know inca-“ _

_ “Incase something were to happen to you? Does Liv know about him?” _

I extended my hand to the one he had clenched on the table. 

_ “Yes, yes she does. She knows all of his information and all of the official information on file with the TBI as well. Please, Rafa, let me confide in you as a friend, not as a lawyer.” _

His clenched jaw softened and he squeezed my hand back. 

_ “Alright, well, maybe hold off on telling Carisi about that situation..” _

I scoffed and let go of his hand, going back to my soup. 

_ “Yeah, I’m avoiding that conversation for as long as I can with most people." _

I neared the end of my soup when I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket, is was Sonny. 

_ “Jack.” _

_ “Cal! I’ve got a few errands to run and some cleaning up to do at my place. I can pick you up around 10 to head to the bar, that sound okay?” _

_ “Yeah, yeah, that’s fine.” _

_ “And uh, for the sake of coordination, are you dressing as my partner or my date tonight? I mean, considering the upcoming wedding ceremony.” _

_ “Y’know, I’m offended that you think I couldn’t pull off both simultaneously, Dom. But considering the fact that I need to do laundry, I’m probably not going to change at all.” _

_“Alright, I’ll scoop you up in a bit. Tell Barba I said to keep an eye on you until then!”_

_ “Mhm, bye Sonny.” _

** ~~~~ END OF POV’S ~~~~ **

You parted with Barba at the steps to your apartment building. It took you all of an hour tops to clean up your little home and throw all of your clothes in the washer, including the white t shirt that Sonny had left on your bedroom floor. An hour passed and you tossed the wet clothes into the dryer then settled for a little nap on the couch. You woke up at 9 to the sound of your alarm. You wanted time to fold and hang up clothes before Sonny picked you up, plus you’d decided that if anything goes down tonight you wanted to be running around in leggings instead of jeans. Sorting through clothes you came to Sonny’s plain, white t shirt again, deciding that he could live without one of his. He probably had 20 that looked exactly the same like most guys, right? Not to mention it looked cute with your black leggings and army green jacket. You finished putting the laundry away and lay down on the couch, but it wasn’t long before you heard a knock at your door.. No one had buzzed for you, no one else had called to say they were coming over. You grabbed your gun that was sitting on the entertainment center, next to your keys and fake engagement ring. Approaching the door slowly, so that whoever was on the other side wouldn’t know that you’d heard them. You slid your peephole cover to the side and slowly moved in front of it, peering out into the hallway..

It was fucking Sonny. You unlocked the door and tossed it open, still holding your gun in one hand. 

_ “Whoa, whoa, what your ‘drop knife’ wasn’t enough to protect you?” _

_“How in the hell did you even get up here? I didn’t even hear you buzz, I thought it was fucking Alex being weird again!”_

_“One of your neighbors let me follow them up, I told you when I came and looked at this place with you that it sucked, Cal. Your neighbors are willing to let you die.”_

You mocked his words by copying him and then shut the door behind him, sitting on the couch to pull on your boots. 

_ “Is that my shirt?” _

_“Yeah, it looks a lot better on me I think.”_ You didn’t even look up from your shoes. 

_“Mhm, I think so, too..”_ God, it killed you when his voice got soft like that. You glanced up from your boots and he wasn’t trying to hide his sweet smile anymore. You knew it, you knew that Fin had probably said something to him as well. 

You stood up and holstered your gun on your hip, leaving your apartment with this man that was something between your partner and a crush. 

_“Wait.”_ You grabbed Sonny’s arm before he started down the hallway, placing an ear to your neighbor’s door. 

_ “What are you-“ _

You knock loudly on the door before he can finish. 

_“Cali WHAT are you doing?!”_ He grabbed your arm from the door and pulled you away from it, waiting now for Alex to unlock the door. He was searching his brain for an excuse if Alex DID come to the door. There was a pause that felt like hours, but nothing. No one answered. You pulled Sonny’s arm down the hallways, to the stairwell to keep any neighbors from hearing you. 

_“I wanted to see if he was there. If it’s him, he might’ve gone back to the bar..”_

_ “He’s not gonna strike two nights in a row from the same bar, Cal, come on.” _

The wind outside was chilly like the night before. At the bar you saw plenty of the same faces from yesterday. They were college kids, they didn’t care that it was a Sunday night. You turned toward Sonny, _“Alright, you wanna take the guys you recognize and I’ll take the girls?”_

_“Sounds good, boss. Just..”_ he glanced down the hallway toward the bathroom that you met Annie in, _“.. don’t go down there alone, please?”_

You nodded, understanding his concern and worry. It felt good that you had someone up here that worried about you. You started asking the strangers that you’d seen the night before if they remembered seeing your vic, losing track of how many times you flashed your badge said _“Detective Jack, Manhattan SVU. Did you see this girl here last night?”_ Good god, being around this many college kids made you grateful that you’d been able to do most of your courses online while you were deployed. It was exhausting trying to get dozens of wasted women to pay attention to you for long enough to just look at a fucking photograph. You were about ready to give up when someone caught your eye, the bartender. The same bartender from last night, and the girl he was serving.. from behind she looked just like Annie. You pushed through the crowd of people and approached the bar, sitting beside her at a barstool. The bartender had been flirting with her, or at least attempting to. He turned his attention toward you. 

_ “Welcome back, you bring your boyfriend with you this time?” _

He smiled at you and filled up a glass of water, sliding it your way. 

_ “Ha, yeah, he’s out there somewhere.” _

You took a chug from the glass and he left to assist other, already very drunk, customers. You turned your attention to the girl beside you. She looked so similar to Annie... Tight, red dress. Long, brown hair. She was nursing a cocktail with another empty glass beside her. You pulled out your badge and phone. 

_ “Hey, I’m Detective Jack with Manhattan SVU. You didn’t happen to be here last night, did you?” _

She turned her face toward yours and lord did she already look wasted. She just shook her head “no” and looked down at her phone, there was a photo of her and a guy on the front, you assumed her boyfriend. You smiled at her and pulled out one of your cards, slipped it to her. 

_ “Thank you, here’s my card.” _

You swiveled around in the barstool and hopped off, headed back into the sea of people ahead of you. You saw Sonny from behind, walking up to him and placing your hand on the small of his back as to not startle him. He turned around fast, he looked frustrated.

_"Thank god, I thought you were another drunk chick trying to grab my ass."_

_"This is almost a rowdier crowd than when we were here last night."_

_"You find out anything?"_

_"Not much, I could barely even get these girls to look at me for more than half a second. You?_

_"One guy remembered her, he even said he saw a guy walk down the hallway shortly after you came out."_

_"Did you ask him if he would look at a photo line up??"_

This felt like your big break, you could slip Alex's photo into the lineup! But Sonny shook his head left to right.

_"He said he's a law student, admitted to being wasted last night and knew that his ID wouldn't hold up in court."_

_"Well, sounds like he'll make a good defense attorney some day.."_

_"Yeah, but he did say that from behind he could tell that the guy was a white male, about 5 foot 8 with short, curly, dark hair."_

_"Sounds familiar, right?"_

That was him. That was Alex's description, but without any physical evidence and without a witness to ID him there's no way you could get a warrant issued. No judge would even sign off on a search warrant for that little to go off of. The two of you started for the door, locking arms so to not get separated in the crowd. You started down the street back towards your apartment. You wanted to ask him to stay again, a mixture of not wanting to be alone in your apartment and just not wanting to be away from him. You walked in silence, arm in arm. You'd met very few people in your life that you felt comfort during their silence. Your mind was drifting back to all the nights that you and Sonny had stayed later than anyone else at the precinct. Just the two of you sitting across from each other, almost every light in the building off besides the two above your conjoined desks. All those nights were similar to tonight, wanting to be with someone that you felt comfortable with. You reached your steps and lifted yourself up onto the wide, concrete railing. Pulling out a cigarette and lighter. It was only your second one of the day, you were close to giving them up completely.

_"This your stop, boss?"_

He was standing directly in front of you on the steps, you were swinging your legs back and forth.

_"Sure does look like it, huh?"_

He stepped towards you, your legs stopped swinging. Was he turning the tables on you? 

_"Have you, uh, thought about how you're gonna explain my absence if your neighbor asks?_

You hadn't, but now your mind was in such a fog that you couldn't think of one even if you tried. Just a few hours ago you'd been doing this exact same thing to him. You wondered if his body had the same response that yours was having right that second. You were breathing so slowly, maybe not even at all. You could physically hear your own heartbeat, you were sure that Sonny could, too. God, you were trying to hard to not look at his lips, but you knew that if you looked away from his eyes that was the first place that they were going. You could only manage to smile, barely a smile to the side, and shake your head "no". He took another baby step toward you, you thought your heart was going to leap right out of your chest. 

_"Y'know, it might be safer for you if I stayed here just one more night.."_

_"Just one more?"_

He nodded his head so gently, nodding yes. His lips parted for a second before he started speaking, he broke his gaze from your eyes first. That's how you knew that he felt the same way. His eyes went straight for your lips. His lips formed into a smirk.

_"Mhm.. Your bed is ten times nicer than mine anyways."_

You took a final drag from your cigarette before throwing it out, sliding off of the ledge. Sonny followed you up the steps, up the stairwell, and down the hall. You passed by Alex's apartment and stopped, holding your knuckles to his door and giving Sonny and sly smile.

_"You think he's there?"_

He pulled your hand away faster than you'd ever seen him disarm as suspect.

_"Don't test your luck twice, Cal! Come on, I'm just ready for bed.."_

You rolled your eyes as he pulled you toward your apartment. Inside your room, the two of you undressed. You took off your bra underneath his shirt, it was freezing in your apartment like usual this time of night, you couldn't stop your nipples from hardening. It was pushing midnight. This time he didn't lay on his back with arms open, he laid on his side. The way you two had woken up twice last night. You threw your hair up into a quick pony tail and slid under the covers in front of him, laying your cheek against the arm that extended under your neck. He snaked an arm around your waist and pulled you to him tight. You were both tired after running around all day and being woken up last night. Sonny buried his face against your neck, you could feel his steady, warm breath. In, out, in out. You think he fell asleep before you this time, You could hear his light snoring near your ear, it was soothing, like white noise. You drifted off slowly.

But not for too long. You woke up barely two hours later, you think it was the sound of a slamming door.

_"Dom.. did you hear that?"_

He didn't stir, he didn't flinch at all. You tried to slide out from his grip, but his arm was tight against your waist. His face still buried in your neck. You heard him whisper in his sleep, _"No.. stay here, baby."_

You wanted to. You wanted to so fucking bad. But you knew something had woken you up. You peeled his hand from your skin and forced yourself out of the bed, pulling your leggings back on over your cheeky underwear. You stumbled toward your front door, sleepily opening it and peering to the left down the hallway.

The elevator doors were closing. The elevator that was still an official crime scene was closing. You didn't even shut your door, you raced back into your room and shook the man in your bed.

_"SONNY, WAKE UP! WAKE UP! IT'S THE ELEVATOR!"_

His eyes shot open immediately, his mind probably not even awake yet. 

_"What? What's happening?"_

_"Something woke me up, a door slamming or something I don't know. I went to look down the hall and the fucking elevator doors were closing."_

He pulled on his jeans, no shirt. You grabbed your weapon and cell phone and raced down the hallway, Sonny not lagging behind. You punched the "up" arrow over and over, you thought you were going to break the damn thing. The elevator stopped going down. Thank god that thing was still malfunctioning, it might have continued all the way to the basement. It stopped going down. You watched it climb back up the number.

_2\. 3. 4. 5._

Your heart was racing. Then it was there. The _ding!_ played in your ears. The doors opened. You'd hoped so bad in those last few moments that felt like hours, that the elevator would be empty. It was the closest thing you'd done to praying in years. But you knew better. The doors opened, and there she was. Your hands dropped, you reholstered your weapon. Your heart sank into your stomach. It was the girl from the bar tonight. The one that looked just fucking like Annie. Red dress, beautiful long hair. 

_"I'll call a bus-"_

_"Don't. Don't bother, Sonny. She's gone."_

You leaned down beside her, her eyes were still open. 


	5. Moving In

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made this chapter super long on accident. Trying to cram in all the background stuff before SHIT GETS REAL. Please forgive any typos as I’m doing this all on my phone while I’m on vacation. I get back into my home country Monday night, next chapter will be before or shortly after then. PLEASE leave any comments or suggestions, positive or negative feedback. Just like last time, Cali’s dialogue is on the right, Sonny’s on the left. If a conversation includes 3 or more people, Cal/Sonny are on the right and anyone else is on the left.

Olivia and Fin met the two of you inside your apartment. The decision was made that yourneighbors didn’t need to know that you’re a cop, especially given that one of them very well may be your suspect. You were giving them, as well as Sonny, the run down of what happened. 

_ “I was woken up by something, a door slamming or something, so I went outside and as soon as I opened the looked out I saw the elevator closing. I ran in here, woke up Sonny, and ran back out there to hit the elevator. That’s when we found her.” _

_”Okay, and you say you saw this vic at the same bar that you met Annie at last night?“_ You knew that Olivia was just trying to connect the dots and make sure everything was airtight. 

_“Yes, Liv, Yes! They’re dressed nearly fucking identical. Our perp loves long haired brunettes in tight red dresses and heels.”_

_”And you guys have gone over everything, canvassed and everything, there’s no physical evidence?”_

Sonny stepped in, “_None, and I’d bet money that we don’t get any from this vic either.”_

Melinda had already determined that the perp definitely used a condom this time, just like the first time. 

_“Alright, well, for the sake of preventing this from happening again.. Cali, how do you feel about going undercover for a night?”_

The only good thing to come out of this situation. You fucking LOVED going undercover. Your face lit up immediately, and in unison, you said “YES!” at the same time that Sonny said “NO.” You turned toward him with a furrowed brow. 

_“I don’t like the idea of my partner potentially being raped and murdered. I don’t think it’s a good idea, Liv.”_

You felt so fucking betrayed. Sonny knew you, he knew how strong you were. He’d seen you take down men twice your size. You sleep in the same bed for two nights and all of a sudden he thinks his opinion on these things is relevant? You shot a look of disbelief towards him.

_”And I don’t like my partner not trusting in my ability to take care of myself. I can’t sit back and keep letting these girls get hurt, you know that.”_

Olivia nodded her head,  _“I agree, you guys said that you have a possible suspect in mind?”_

Sonny looked away from you, knowing that you were pissed at him.  “_Yeah, her neighbor. We know he went out with someone the night of the first murder and even brought the girl home. He was gone when we left to canvas the bar last night as well, but we didn’t see him there. We’re thinking it’s probably someone that lives here either way.”_

After minutes of just sitting there, Fin finally interjected, “_And everyone here thinks that you guys are engaged, right?”_ You and Sonny both nodded. 

_“Looks like you’re going undercover too then, Sonny. You guys are gonna have to sell it if we want whoever our suspect is to not get suspicious._” Was Liv in on their conspiracy, too? You knew she was right. If the suspect IS Alex, he now thinks that you’re engaged and that Sonny lives with you. Olivia and Fin left and closed the door behind them, they’d collect all the immediate information to avoid the two of you blowing your cover to your neighbors. The two of you were left alone in your apartment and Sonny knew that he’d offended you. He knew that you could take care of yourself, just like he knew that Liv and Amanda could. He worried about all 3 of you, but ESPECIALLY you. In his eyes, you were his partner. His lifeline. It was his job to keep you safe and yours to keep him safe. 

_“Cal, what I said, I didn’t -“_

_“I know what you meant, Sonny. But do not ever, ever, try to make a decision for me again. Are we clear?”_

Sonny nodded his head, _“We’re clear. I promise.”_

_ _

You stood up and tried to walk toward your bedroom but Sonny grabbed your hand, pulling you in for a tight hug. You couldn’t stay mad at him, especially when he knew he’d made a mistake. You wrapped your arms around him, his chest was still bare from being in bed.

_“I know that you care a lot about these girls. I know that you’re great at your job, I’m sorry.”_

_“Thank you, Dom.”_

You laid in bed forever that night. Sonny lay facing you with one arm draped over your waist. When you finally fell asleep, you dreamt. You hated having dreams because they usually turned out to be nightmares, this one was no different. You saw yourself at the bar. Not Prohibition, one you used to frequent back home. You were in a tight, red dress. You could hear your squad in your ear, it was a sting operation. You were ordering your drinks virgin but kept feeling more and more out of it. Not drunk, just not right. You eventually stumbled to the bathroom feeling so sick. You didn’t even make it into a stall, ending up right in front of the sink. You puked your guts out, feeling so weak. Your arms felt like noodles, your legs felt like they were going to buckle underneath you. After you got done rinsing your mouth you leaned up and looked at yourself in the mirror, but there was someone behind you.. you couldn’t make out the silhouette. After a moment, they came into view. They covered your mouth from behind and pulled you close to them by the hair, whatever was going on had your response time delayed and your vision blurring. They told you not to make a sound or else they’d hurt you. You nodded your head, saying that you understood. The second they uncovered your mouth you tried to hard to scream. It felt like your lungs were trying so hard, harder than ever, but nothing would come out. The person behind you kept good on their threat and slammed your head into the mirror. Your team mates were in your ear, chatting amongst themselves, completely unaware about what was going on in that bathroom. Just like what happened to Annie and the second victim. The sensation of your head hitting glass woke you. You jerked up in bed, gasping and panting. Your alarm was beeping over and over and your head was killing you. Your hand fell down on your alarm clock hard, finally shutting it off. You turned your body to the side of the bed so your legs were resting on the floor, elbows on your knees and your face in your hands. Sonny leaned up on an elbow behind you, barely awake. 

_ “You okay?” _

He placed a comforting hand on your back. 

_ “Yeah, bad dream.. You don’t have any clothes here for work.” _

_ “I know, I’m gonna run home to get ready and meet you at the precinct later, okay?” _

You nodded your head and showed him out, locking the door behind him, but not before glancing past him down the hallway. The elevator doors had new crime scene tape around them now. You’d looked up your new victim’s Facebook page last night too, just like you had with Annie. They both had happy lives, families. Most of your cases didn’t get to you like this, but these girls reminded you so much of yourself. They had so much ahead of them, and someone felt like they had the right to take all of that away. You finally convinced yourself to stand up and walk yourself into the bathroom, the florescent lights burning your eyes. You downed a BC powder packet and chased it with water before stepping into the hot shower. Black skinny jeans, a tucked in, loose grey sweatshirt and your boots. You stepped out into the hallway, seeing Alex making his way into his door. He looked at you, but didn’t smile this time. He’d never not smiled or greeted you before. This time he looked.. different. Disconnected. Like he was looking right into you, not at you.

_ “Hey, Alex. Sonny and I were hoping we’d see you last night before we went to the bar but I guess we’d just missed you.” _

You locked your door and leaned a shoulder against it. He had a hardware store bag in his hands. 

_“Sorry, I was out late last night.”_

That was it. That was the least he’d ever said in one setting with you. He took the key out of his door and slammed it behind him, now you were SURE this was the sound that had woken you up late last night.

You made it into the precinct before everyone but Olivia. You were in a fix, like usual when you felt like you were driving straight towards an arrest. When you got like this, it was your only priority. You had your vic’s photos pinned up on the white board, explaining to Olivia how they’re similar in other way besides physically and all of the facts pointing to Alex being your perp . 

Both girls were in relationships. Annie was wearing a promise ring that could’ve easily been mistaken for an engagement ring. The second girl, Meredith, had a photo of her and her boyfriend as her lock screen. If Alex hated women that he perceived as sluts, he might’ve seen them being at the bar alone as promiscuous. You and Olivia decided that you’d go to the bar alone tonight. Everyone slowly stumbled into the precinct, many of them with a case of the Monday blues. Sonny had stopped to get you your favorite, an iced sweet cream cold brew and blueberry muffin with yogurt crumble. You and Olivia broke your plans to everyone and Sonny was less than thrilled, to say the least. 

_“Tonight? Already?! Don’t ya think we need to sell it for a few days before going in?”_

_“No! This morning he had a hardware store bag in his hand, that could easily be the rope he uses to strangle them_ _.”_

_“Yeah but three nights in a row, Cal? We aren’t gonna get that lucky. And we haven’t even physically seen him at the bar once.”_

_“Because he always goes after we leave. He brings them home as late as possible to avoid being seen, that’s why we can’t find any witnesses. I’m going, Dom.”_

_“Fine.. but I’m gonna be there watching out for you.”_

Olivia finally interjected,_ “No, Carisi, you aren’t. The past two victims have been there alone. He’ll recognize you. We’ll have Barba pose as a customer, he can keep an eye on Cali while also looking for Alex or any other potential suspect.”_

Sonny’s lips were pursed tight. He didn’t talk to you much throughout the day, lost in his own head. Come noon he caught you staring a hole into him over your computer monitor, it turned into a staring match for a minute before you reached your hand past his computer and onto his desk, palm open. You knew he wasn’t doubting your ability to do your job, he was just worried that he might overdo _his_ if something were to happen to you. He grabbed your hand, stroking your fingers with his thumb.

_ “Let’s take a break, Dom.” _

He followed you out of the precinct and to the park, it was warmer out today. It was good weather for the two of you to just talk.. about how you’d been feeling the past few days. 

_“Y’know, after seeing you in human clothes the past two days I’m not sure how I’m feeling about the suit anymore.”_

_“Yeah? Most women love to see a man dressed up.”_

You were walking side by side, arms swinging near each other’s. Your fingers brushing against the others. You finally just grabbed his, tired of waiting for him to make the first move. He looked over at you like something had clicked, he finally realized that the two of you were on the same page. 

_“I guess I finally get to see you dolled up for once this time, right?”_

_“Mhm, which one do you think you’ll like more, jeans and sweatshirts Cali or little red dress Cali?”_

Sonny thought about it for a minute. 

_“I think I like leggings and my t-shirts Cali the most right now. Or whichever one’s been coming to bed with me the past 3 nights.”_

_“Uh, you’ve been coming to bed with me, Sir.”_

You sat down on a bench, turned toward him. His arm went behind you to the back of the bench. 

_“That’s right.. Maybe after we’re done playing house you could come to my place one night instead.”_

You didn’t respond, you weren’t sure of what he was suggesting.

_“Or we could actually go out for dinner instead of takeout. Or somewhere for breakfast before work.”_

He looked nervous by now, not liking your silence. You slid your hand to the back of his neck, playing with the hair right at the collar of his jacket.

_“What exactly are you asking me, Sonny?_”

He felt like he couldn’t speak with you staring at him so intently. His eyes and voice both got softer. Your voice sounded like silk to him. He just blurted it out,

_“A date. Uh.. a date. Maybe when all of this is over in a few days, we could y’know.. go out somewhere.”_

You smiled at him, _“I’d really love that.”_

He stopped holding his breath and smiled at you. You made your way back to the precinct, letting go of each other’s hand before stepping inside as to not fuel any more rumors. 

Your day dragged on. You took a few cut and dry reports that needed no further investigating and soon, your work day came to an end. 

_“I’m gonna go by my place and grab enough stuff for the next few days, you gonna be home?”_

_“Maybe, I made you this just in case.”_

You slid him a key to your apartment.

_“Not gonna lie, this feels a lot like a proposal to me.”_

_“Hey, it’s more than I got and we still ended up engaged somehow.”_

You and Sonny packed up your things across from each other, you mentioned that you had to go find a dress similar to the ones the other girls were wearing.

_“Just let yourself in if you get there before me, I won’t be long.”_

_“All right, I’ll see you soon.”_ He pulled your head in for a kiss on the temple without thinking, but froze when he got there. Like he remembered suddenly that the two of you weren’t actually married or living together. You wrapped your arms around his waist, letting him know that it was okay. He planted his kiss on your head and you whispered against his chest.

_“Still just playing along?”_

He nervous laughed in your ear and pulled back, starting out the door. 

_“I’ll see you at home, Cal.”_

Home. You were finally starting to feel at home somewhere. You pulled your bag over your shoulder as Fin caught your eye, he’d witnessed the whole encounter. Giving you a look that said he knew what was going on. You pointed at him and smiled as you walked out.

_“Don’t start your shit, Sarg.”_

You tried on a dozen dresses before finding the perfect one and matching booties (for your boot knife.) A small, dark red, velvet dress. It stopped much before your knee and very low on your chest. You check out at the registered and jogged back to your apartment, wanting to make it there before Sonny so you could clean up your apartment a little. You were too late, you opened the unlocked door to this man standing in front of your stove, starting dinner. You dropped your bags on the coffee table.

_“So is this what being married to Dominic Carisi is like?”_

_“I figured this is my first official night undercover as your fiancé, so I should probably make it count. It’s just lasagna, but y’know.”_

_“Oh god, you’re gonna fill me with pasta and I’m not gonna be able to fit into this dress anymore.”_

Sonny put the dish in the oven to bake and you plugged up your phone, playing Hozier on shuffle to clean your house to. Sonny tried helping, tried grabbing a rag and solution.

_“Nuhuh, Listen. I can only bake. So I’ll clean, you cook. Sound good?” _

He agreed and started unpacking his small suitcase in your bedroom, you opened all the blinds to let the natural light in. You were standing on your windowsill, scrubbing the edge of them to get all the dust and debris off. Sonny sat on the edge of your bed, pulling clothes onto hangers. He was just admiring you. You’d changed into running shorts and a white tank top, barefoot with your hair thrown up into a knot on your head. You were singing along to Jackie and Wilson, rocking your hips to the lyrics. 

_'Cause with my mid-youth crisis all said and done_

_I need to be youthfully felt 'cause, God, I never felt young_

You hopped off the sill and turned toward Sonny, grabbing his hand. You pulled him to his feet, knowing he didn’t know the song. But you were in a good place, a better place than you ever had been mentally and physically. And you knew that all good things came to an end, usually quickly 

_She's gonna save me, call me "baby"_

_Run her hands through my hair_

_She'll know me crazy, soothe me daily_

_Better yet she wouldn't care_

_We'll steal her Lexus, be detectives_

_Ride 'round picking up clues_

_We'll name our children Jackie and Wilson_

_Raise 'em on rhythm and blues_

He danced around your room with you enthusiastically, hugging you from behind and spinning you around. Just like that first night at Prohibition. You lay down on the bed, out of breath. Sonny lay down on his side, facing you. 

_“So why do you have an engagement ring anyways?”_

You turned your head toward him, arms extended above your head on the bed. No one up here knew about your ex yet, besides Rafa and Liv. 

_“An ex gave it to me. We were something like engaged for a little while.”_

_“And you broke it off?”_

You stood up from the bed, not wanting to talk about the subject. Not right now anyways. 

_“Uh.. something like that..”_

******* SONNY’S POV *******

I could tell she didn’t want me to press further. She tried walking away into the living room. I kept doing these things that felt so natural, as if we’d been in a relationship for months, then catching myself when I remembered that we weren’t. We weren’t in a relationship at all. I caught her hand as she was walking away, she turned back toward me. 

_“Im sorry, I’m not trying to force you open.”_

She said something back. I couldn’t make out what she saying, I could only focus on her dark green eyes and the dimple on her right cheek when she smiled. She touched my face and I leaned into her palm, I knew my face was rough from not shaving over the weekend. Her stroking thumb and voice saying my name brought me back.

_“Sonny, your lasagna.”_

Now I could hear it, the timer going off! I raced into the kitchen and pulled open the oven door, not even grabbing a mitt first and burning my fingertips.

_“Ow, shit! Fuck!”_

_“Here, babe, move.”_

She pulled my dish out of the oven and set it on the stove. She didn’t miss a beat between closing the oven and turning toward me, grabbing my hand to look at my finger tips, there were a few small bubbles forming already.

_“Come over here while that cools.”_

She led me to the living room and pulled the leaf off of one of her house plants, rubbing it on my fingers.

_“Is that aloe? Like an aloe plant?”_

She nodded her head,_ “Mhm, leave that on there for a minute.”_

I looked up at her from the couch while rubbing the gel between my fingers. 

_“Babe?”_

She she looked down at me with a sly smirk on her face, _“Slip of the tongue.”_

We ate my lasagna on the couch together, her legs laid over my lap. Killing time before the job, which we weren’t starting until midnight. We were finally watching the last movie on her month of Halloween movie list, Scream. When we were done eating she pulled a throw blanket off the back of the couch and I pulled her to me, her back to my chest. This is how I liked our times together best.. Not chasing down the bad guys, not held up in court, just being able to lay in comfortable silence together. I liked that right now we weren’t worried about defining what was going on, and I was worried that once we DID try to define it, things would just get complicated.. We took a short nap on her couch until her alarm went off at 11:30. We woke up to her alarm and Fin simultaneously knocking on the door. The notorious ‘cop knock’, way louder than needed. She jolted up and grabbed her phone, shutting off the alarm and I got up to open the door. Fin stepped in.

_“Cali your neighbors really don’t care who they let up here, I could’ve been a killer and one of them held the door open for me!”_

_“What are the chances of there being two killers in the same apartment building though?”_

She stretched back on the couch and her tank top slid up on her waist, above her belly button. God, I just wanted to do this another night. If this played out tonight, I’d be going home. These past few days felt like weeks and I couldn’t remember what it felt like to sleep without her hot breath on my chest or my fingers against her soft skin. She let down her hair, her silky hair.. Before grabbing the bag on the coffee table and leaving for her bedroom to change. I lowered my voice to talk to Fin so she wouldn’t hear. 

_“We’re gonna go on a, uh.. date. When all this is over with.”_

_“Aw, shit, playa!”_ Fin knocked me on the shoulder, excited. I was excited too, trying to hide it so she wouldn’t see my expression on my face when she came out. It didn’t matter, I had a whole different one when she came down the short hallway.

Her hair was cascading over her shoulders, her shoulders that were barely covered by the tiny straps of her dress. I’d never seen her like this before, dressed up. None of us had. She was wearing a tight, velvet red dress that didn’t leave much to my, or Fin’s, imagination. Neither of us said anything, Fin just stood there with his mouth slightly ajar. I had my hands in my pockets and couldn’t stop myself from smiling, I was going on a date with this woman in a few days.

_“That’s enough, boys. Remember that I can still take you down.”_

Fin joked, “_Cali as long as you’re dressed like that, you can take me anywhere.”_

She bent down to zip her boots and adjust her boot knife, she wasn’t gonna be able to discreetly hide a gun anywhere on her. 

Fin opened the door, _“All right, let’s party. Barba is already at the bar, me and Liv will be in the van. Carisi, you an Amanda will sit in an unmarked car right outside. Ready to roll?”_

******* END OF SONNY POV *******

You walked into the bar feeling painfully exposed after being out in the bitter cold. You looked around and saw Rafael sitting at a barstool. He was wearing fake glasses with a camera made into the frame. You didn’t have a camera, just a tiny earpiece and mic. You took a seat beside Barba,

_“Hey, stranger, this seat taken?”_

The plan was to act like you didn’t know him, if Alex saw you he’d presume that you were cheating on your ‘fiancé’. Even Rafa took a second look at you before setting down his drink.

_“Of course not, cielo.”_

You had the same bartender, the one from every other night. Did this man ever take a day off?

_“Your boyfriend here again, sweetheart?”_

You shot him a knowing glance and lifted both of your elbow onto the bar, making your chest pop out even more from your dress. 

_“What boyfriend?”_

He mixed you a whiskey sour while you were pretending to flirt with Rafael, sliding it in front of you. 

_“I’m good, thanks. I like being in control.”_

Just as you hopped down from the barstool, a familiar face caught your eye. You didn’t turn to look, you knew who it was. Alex. He was sitting at the other end of the bar, staring daggers into you. 

_“You know what.. Why not?”_

You had to make him think you were out of your senses, one drink wasn’t going to do you in. You threw it back fast and tried to grab Rafael’s hand, wanting to pull him to the dance floor. You needed to make Alex as angry as possible. Angry enough to want to kill you. But before Rafa could get up, you were grabbed around the waist by someone else. It was a drunk college guy, he was much bigger than Rafael. He spun you around, this guy was fucking waisted.

Rafa and the bartender both broke out into “Whoa’s!” and “Hey’s!”

The drunk guy managed to aggressively spout out a jab at Rafael, _“What?! I just thought she prefer a real man handling her. That okay with you, baby?”_

He’d put you down now but still had a tight hand on your hip, not even attempting to look anywhere but your chest and lips that were still wet from your drink. You felt disgusting, your skin trying to crawl away from his touch and stare.  The squad could hear all of this from yours and Rafa’s mics, Sonny had his hand on the door handle,

_“I’m going in there, this is a bad idea.”_

Amanda stopped him, grabbing his forearm. 

_“Just wait, she knows the code word and she can handle herself. This isn’t her first encounter with aggressive college guys.”_

Sonny leaned back in his seat, wanting this all to be over with. 

You grabbed the guy’s hand off your hip and turned toward Rafael, _“Sorry, papi. Maybe next time.”_

You had a look of disdain on your face that only Rafa could see before dragging the drunk guy onto the dance floor. As much as you hated it, you knew it had to look believable. “One Dance” by Drake came on. You let the guy spin you around and pull you to him. God, you were having flashbacks. You pushed them out of your mind and just imagined your days at Vandenberg Air Force Base. Your weekends off, when you’d go to the beach and get way too drunk with your fellow airmen. You let him wrap his arms around your waist, it was the only way to stop him from putting them elsewhere. You danced back on him, as well as you could with his complete lack of rhythm. You heard Sonny in your earpiece,

_“Think you could stare somewhere else, Barba?!”_

You glanced at the bar and saw Rafa staring, you waving your hand at him to tell him to look elsewhere. He cast his gaze toward Alex at the end of the bar.

_“Yeah he’s definitely watching, Cal. He looks pissed.”_ Rafael said into the mic on his watch, he could see Alex’s jaw clenched. The rest of the squad could see what Rafa couldn’t in his peripheral. Amanda saw Alex nod his head at the bartender, some sort of code. The bartender started mixing another whiskey sour. Except this time, he slipped something into it, something that dissolved quickly. He put it on a platter and walked it over to you in the sparse crowd. You took it and thanked him, just as it was about to touch your lips you hear Amanda yelling in your ear,

_“DON’T. THE BARTENDER IS IN ON IT, HE SLIPPED SOMETHING IN YOUR DRINK.”_

You glanced at the bartender, he was watching you. You smiled at him and brought the straw to your mouth, pretending to sip it. You turned around in the drunk guy’s grip, your chest against his. You handed him the drugged drink, claiming it was too strong for you. He downed it fast, hopefully he’d be out soon. Thank god, you didn’t think you could take more of this. His hands were gripping your ass. You were used to this though, faking it. You slid your arms around the back of his neck, into his hair. He looked at you like he was in love. Meanwhile, you felt like you could throw up. You were waiting for that look in his eye, the one that told you he was out from the roofies. You were so glad he’d already been wasted, he was strong as hell even this far gone. Sober you might not have been able to take him if he tried anything shitty. You were lost in your thoughts, figuring out what you were going to do next when he grabbed your face. You felt his tongue down your throat, almost gagging you. You felt nauseous from all the different types of liquor on his breath. Rafael had to have been watching you because you suddenly heard Sonny’s voice in your ear, _“Lieu, we gotta get her out of there!”_

Olivia responding, _“No, Carisi, she can handle it!”_

You pushed the guy off of you and slapped him as hard as you could. He hit the floor hard, not sure if it was from the roofies or from your strength. You made your way out of the thin crowd as they surrounded him, making sure he was okay. Your body felt like it was on fire, like your been covered in dirt and trash and set ablaze. You were nearly shaking, still feeling his hands all over you and his mouth on yours. Rafa’s camera followed you as you made your way toward the hallways where the bathrooms were. You heard Sonny’s,

_“Cal if you go down there, we’re gonna lose visual!”_

He was yelling at you to not do it, his voice gruff and demanding. You ran down the hallway knowing you were going to get sick. 

Amanda saying, _“All right, Barba, keep your eyes on Alex. We aren’t starting in just yet.”_

You weren’t responding to either of them. They were bickering back and forth about whether you needed help. Between hurls into the bathroom toilet you managed to scream back,

_“I DON’T NEED ANY FUCKING HELP.”_

They stopped. You were on your knees in the dirty bathroom of a bar, a high pitched ringing in your ear. It was a panic attack. You brought your hands over your head and focused on your breathing. Counting back from 10 over and over again. Finally, the ringing stopped. Your world quit spinning. You came back from the black. You heard Sonny’s voice again, not yelling or arguing this time.

_“You okay, Cal?”_

You took a second but responded, _“I’m here, Dom. I’m coming out soon.”_

You stood up, knees red. You looked at yourself in the mirror, you were so pale. You rinsed out your mouth and pushed the bathroom door open, immediately running into someone. They almost knocked you down, but caught you with both hands around the waist instead. It was Alex. 

_“Hey, Alex!”_ you flashed him a smile, as if you hadn’t just been vomiting. _“I didn’t see you out there, you here with a date?”_

You didn’t make him move his hands, he nearly pushed you away on his own though. He acted like he was disgusted with you.

_“Nope, you here with your fiancé?” _He put extra emphasis on ‘fiancé’. You shook your head no. 

_“Dominic is working late the next few nights.”_

_“Hm. Does he know where you are right now?”_

He sounded so fucking condescending, like he was trying to shame you.

_“Come on, Alex. You’ve been my neighbor for half a year, you’ve had to notice the nights that I don’t come home at all.”_

You tried to snake a hand onto his shoulder but he pulled back. You were afraid that you were laying it on too hard. He looked you up and down, just noticing your dress and red knees. 

_“I guess I have.. Go home to your fiancé. Maybe I’ll see you here tomorrow night.”_

By now he still wasn’t looking you in the eye, but he was staring at you like you were his next meal. His stare was burning a hole in your chest. You nodded at him and started back down the hallway and out the door. Fin pulled the van around and you hopped inside, tearing your earpiece out. 

_“Pull into this alley.”_

Fin did and Amanda followed in the car, everyone hopped out. You and Sonny were walking toward each other, but you stepped right past him, leaning a hand against the wall and hurling again. Sonny placed a hand on your back to comfort you but it just did more harm, you nearly bit his head off.

_“Don’t, Dom. Stop touching me!”_

You didn’t know what you wanted. You wanted to curl up into his arms but the thought of anyone’s hands on you made your skin crawl. You wiped your mouth and spit, holding your hand out for your phone. Sonny placed it in your palm. You were just wanting to know the time, but saw a single text.

_I think it’s time for you to come home now. _

You saw red. It’s like he knew what you were doing, who you were with, at all times. You slammed your phone on the ground as hard as you could. Your face went expressionless. Nobody said anything. Not your squad, not Rafael who’d just turned the corner, not you. It was silent for what felt like forever while you gathered your thoughts.

_“Sonny, I need some air. Will you please walk me home.”_

_“Whatever you need, Cal. I’m gonna walk her home, guys. We’ll talk tomorrow.”_

The squad loaded back into the van and car. Sonny followed you down the sidewalk, barely able to keep up. You were staring straight ahead, like you couldn’t see anything but a direct path back to your apartment. You didn’t speak, neither of you did. You climbed the stairs to your floor and in the hallway told Sonny, _“I want you to wait in the living room for 5 minutes and then come in.”_

He agreed without fully understanding what you meant. Inside your apartment you started toward the bath with Sonny behind you. You pulled your dress over your head while walking, dropping it in the hallway. He had a full view of you bare from behind, only wearing what some might not consider underwear. You were trying so hard not to spiral, but that text did you in. Sonny waited for the longest 5 minutes of his life, he heard the bath water running. He approached the bathroom door and knocked. 

_“You can come in.”_

You’d thrown your hair up and filled the tub with water and bubbles, to protect whatever decency you had left. He opened the door and leaned against the frame. 

_“What happened back there, Cali?”_

You were sipping pink moscato straight from the bottle. You kept it under your sink, “just in case”. 

_“I hate when guys touch me. Guys that I don’t know or like. It gives me.. flashbacks.”_

He saw a flinch in your face when you mentioned flashbacks. He sat beside the tub, his back against the opposite wall. 

_“Do you want to talk about it?”_

You shook your head yes but took a minute.

_“I got engaged when I was 18, right before I went to basic... I didn’t want to, he only proposed because he didn’t want me to leave. But I was only leaving because of him in the first place.”_

_“You didn’t want to join the Air Force?”_

_“Are you kidding me? I hated my dad being gone all the time when I was a kid. But he was never going to let me just up and leave him.”_

_“Why didn’t you just say no when he proposed?”_

_“In front of all of our friends? In front of our families? He wouldn’t have handled the embarrassment well once we got home..”_

Sonny sat up from the wall. 

_“Cal, are you saying that-“_

_“Yes, Sonny. Yes. Whatever you’re thinking, yes.”_

You’d never seen anger in his eyes like you were seeing now.

_"And tonight just brought everything back.. Feeling my exes body on mine when I just wanted to be as far away from him as possible. God, crawling on top of him and having to act like I was enjoying myself just so I could have some sort of control over the situation.”_

_“Did he rape you, Cali?”_

You took another big gulp from your bottle and shook your head. Looking down at the water, you didn’t want to look into Sonny’s eyes while telling him this.

_“No, I got into bed with him willingly. I knew what was going to happen every time.”_

_“But if you were only doing it so he couldn’t-“_

Sonny was trying to make you admit something that you were already aware of.

_“I KNOW what it was, Sonny. Just please.. let me be content with it in a way that doesn’t fucking break me.. please.”_

Sonny sat with you in comfortable silence for alittle while. He eventually sat his hand palm up on the side of the tub, offering it to you. You slid your fingers between his. 

_“You know you don’t have to go back out there tomorrow, right?”_

_“Yeah, I do. Those girls deserve justice.”_


	6. Floral Lace

You stayed in the tub and spoke with Sonny until your water went cold. Your fingers looked like prunes, the bubbles had long disappeared and your sides hurt from him making you laugh so hard, you’d drank a bit too much wine and were tipsy. He held open a towel for you and looked away to save you your dignity and embarrassment in the morning. You couldn’t help thinking to yourself, “I don’t deserve this man.” With your towel still wrapped around you, you leaned into his chest. He wrapped his arms around your shoulders and held you tight. 

_“Thank you for being here, Sonny.”_

_“You’re my partner, I’ll always be here.”_

He kissed the top of your head.

The two of you slept closer tonight, like you were scared to let go of each other. Your legs tangled together and your arms around his shoulders, his around your waist. Your face was buried in his neck and his hands holding you tight, as if it were the last time he’d ever see you. You woke up to his alarm going off instead of yours, since you’d smashed your phone. He turned it off and stroked your hair with his fingers, whispering in your ear.

_“We gotta get up Cal...”_

You just shook your head no. 

_“Mhm, Liv’s gonna wanna talk about tonight’s plan.”_

You let out a loud sigh and unwrapped yourself from him, rolling over and off the bed. Sonny followed. You took your time drinking coffee and getting ready, Sonny was already dressed and ready to go by the time you got out of the shower.

_“I’m heading out, Cal. See you at work, be safe.”_

You hugged him tight around the waist, hands under his suit jacket. He gave you a long kiss on the forehead. Your routine was becoming natural with him. He opened and closed the door and began walking down the hallway, hearing another door open and close behind him. He glanced over his shoulder, Alex was trailing behind him. 

_“Sonny, Hey!”_

He stopped walking and turned towards Alex. 

_“Hey, man, what’s up?”_

_“I just wanted to say, I uh, didn’t hear you get in yesterday. Everything okay at home?”_

_“With Cal? Yeah, everything’s great! I work late a few nights a week.”_

Sonny took his comment personal, even though he knew Alex was only questioning a fabricated relationship. 

_“Good, good. It’s just that I saw her at the bar last night. I didn’t see you there, so I assumed..”_

_“Oh yeah, she likes to go out with her friends sometimes when I’m gone. I think she said she’s gonna go out tonight too, so keep an eye on her for me if you see her again. But I gotta run, buddy. Thanks for looking out!”_

Sonny playfully slapped him on the shower like he was thanking him, he was really just wanting a taste of what it would be like to lay a hand on the kid. He needed to get away from him before he snapped. 

You rolled into work within an hour of everyone else, sunglasses covering your eyes to hide your slight hangover. You were ready for tonight, ready to bring your girls justice. The squad was waiting for you, Liv was the first to speak. 

_“Calico! First order of business, bring in that bartender for questioning. We’re charging him with possession and reckless endangerment.”_

Rafael chimed in, _“Hopefully he’ll feel inclined to cooperate once he finds out that college kid suffered a concussion from his fall. Charge him for assault as well.”_

_“Believe me when I say that I have never been more attracted to either of you than I am at this very moment.”_

Sonny grabbed your hand outside of the precinct, taking his time towards the bar. 

_“Feeling any better this morning?”_

You smiled towards him, _“Mhm, it feels good to have gotten all of that off my chest.”_

_“Good, I want you to feel like you can open up to me, Cal.”_

You were getting there. You hide your past relationship from most people because they look at you differently after. Like being a victim makes you damaged goods. Like you can never be whole again, but that isn’t true. Sonny didn’t see you as a victim, he saw you as a survivor. A fighter.

You dropped Sonny’s hand and pushed open the bar doors, they’d just opened so no one was there yet. No one except for the same bartender that tried to slip you a date rape drug just a few hours ago. He looked up from drying glasses and saw you, _“Hey! You’re here early today.”_

You shot him a big smile, teeth and all, dangling your handcuffs by one finger and holding up your badge in your other hand. He got that look in his eyes, the one they all got before they took off.

_“Oh, please run. Y’all have had my cardio routine all kinds of fucked up these past few days.”_

Maybe it’s sadistic, but you loved the cat and mouse game you got to play with your perps sometimes. He bolted behind the counter, through the kitchen. Sonny hopped the counter and chased him through the kitchen while you raced out the door and around the corner, taking the alley. Out the back you heard the employee exit push open and the loud ruckus of kitchen equipment being knocked over, he was making his way out the back not knowing that you were just behind him. He was making it much easier for you than they usually did. You stuck your foot out and he went right down, tripping over it. You hand cuffed him on the ground with your foot in the center of his back. 

_“Don’t move.”_

You yelled out to Sonny, _“Dom! You okay in there?”_

_“Yeah!”_

He came out of the door holding his head, a bruise already starting to form.

_“Bitch pushed a rack of pots and pans over on me.”_

You leaned down beside the bartender, _“well, that adds assault on a police officer to your list. What’s your name, buddy?”_

_“Ugh, Evan...”_

You grabbed him by the cuffs and roughly pulled him to his feet, walking him back toward the precinct.

_“All right, Evan. You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you. You have the right to an attorney, if you can’t afford an attorney one will be appointed to you...”_

You and Sonny walked back into the squad room with one arm around each of his. 

_“Everyone, meet our new friend Evan. He’s single, loves long walks on the beach, and helping his buddies commit felonies. Which room you want him in, Liv?”_

_“That was fast! Interrogation 3, please.”_

_“Yeah, running isn’t really his strong suit.”_

Sonny took him to interrogation room 3 and uncuffed him, _“You need anything? Coffee, water?”_

He shook his head no, invoking his right to remain silent.

_“Hang out here, pal. We’ll be in soon.”_

Sonny approached you on the other side of the window as he exited the room, probably a little closer than he would’ve Liv or Amanda. 

_“You wanna be good cop or bad cop this time?”_

_“I dunno, it’s kinda hot watching you get angry when you play bad cop..”_

You saw his eyes darken a shade and his eyebrows raised just a hair. He peaked around his shoulder to make sure the two of you were alone and slid a hand out of his pocket, snaking it around your waist.

_“Oh yeah? You’ve always thought that?”_

Either he pulled you closer or you leaned into him on your own, you weren’t sure. But your crossed arms dropped from in front of your chest, one resting on the curve of his should/neck. Most guys could never handle it when you laid it on thick, so the times when Sonny turned the tables on your trying to make HIM nervous made your heart absolutely fucking melt. You were telling the truth, you’d always loved watching him take the lead. Seeing him get angry at a perp he knew was lying or being a little extra rough with one that tried to get handsy with you, good god it did something for you. There’d been one or two times that you’d came out of the interrogation room flushed from seeing him lose it. 

You broke eye contact first this time, it was a moment of weakness. Your lips parted just a tiny bit while you were staring at his. You could only manage a to whisper an, “Mhm”. He was so close, leaning his face into yours more and more.. But he’d been wrong about the two of you being alone.

_“Maybe this isn’t the place, Detectives.”_

Rafael scared the shit out of both of you. You jumped even though he was talking low to avoid Liv or Fin hearing. You pulled your hands off of each other and took a step back. Rafa had a sly grin on his face.

_“Right, I’ll take good cop.”_

You stepped into the room before Sonny, giving Evan a soft smile. Sonny however had an intimidating scowl on his face. You took your seats in front of him. 

_“Hey, Evan. Do you know why we arrested you today?”_

_“Uh, probably something to do with that drunk kid at my bar last night..”_

Sonny stepped in,_ “Probably? First, you need to understand that we’re talking to you now as a courtesy. We have enough evidence to just throw you in the tombs if you don’t want to fess up.”_

_ _

_“Evidence? Evidence of what, some guy getting slapped silly by your partner here and ending up in the ER? Sounds like she should be the one charged with assault, not me!”_

_“Sounds like we’re done here to me, Cal.”_

Sonny closed his file and threw his pen down.

_“Now hold on, give him a chance.. Evan, we have you on video slipping a date rape drug into a drink that you then tried to serve to me. Do you want to explain that to me and Detective Carisi?”_

Evan hesitated for a moment. 

_“Shouldn’t I.. shouldn’t this be when I ask for a lawyer?”_

_“You can, you have that right. But I should let you know that any defense attorney is going to tell you to quit talking. They’re going to claim that we don’t have a case against you, and I can assure you that we do. Right now, we really don’t care about the rophies, or that drunk guy or the fact that you assaulted my partner.”_

_“Okay.. So what do you care about?”_

Sonny pulled two photos out of his Manila folder and slid them in front of Evan. He was visibly effected. He covered his mouth and let out an “Oh, god.”

Sonny took his turn on him. 

_“You slipped both of these girls rophies just like you tried to Detective Jack. Now, she got lucky. These girls, not so much. You cooperate, our district attorney might feel inclined to drop a few charges..”_

He had his face in his hands, repeating “Oh, god!” over and over again. 

_“I didn’t know he was going to KILL them!”_

Sonny was getting angrier, his voice rougher. He stood up and slammed both hands on the table. 

_“WHO! We need a NAME, Evan!”_

_“Jesus, my brother... Alex.”_

The golden ticket. You smiled so big at Sonny while Evan kept talking.

_“He’s not so good at talking to girls.. He asked me to do it and I didn’t want to, but he fucking made me feel bad. Told me that he’s 28 and he’d never even touched a girl.”_

_“So you agree to help him rape unsuspecting girls?..”_

_“Man, you don’t have to tell me how fucked up it is.. I didn’t feel good about it.”_

_“Yeah, but ya still did it!”_

Now it was time for the difficult part. This guy was willing to help his brother assault women, you weren’t sure that he would help get him arrested for it so easily. 

_“So, here’s where we have a problem, Evan.. We only have solid evidence on your part in all this. Right now, you’re the one taking the fall. But if you’re willing to help us catch your brother in the act, we can help you.”_

_“...What would I have to do?...”_

You brought in Barba and explained the plan to Evan. He would wear a GPS bracelet and go to work tonight like nothing happened. He’d feed you virgin drinks and when Alex gave him the cue, he’d slip you a sugar pill instead of Rohypnol. He agreed and Rafa dropped all charges besides reckless endangerment x3. He’d get off with 5 years max. An officer came in to take him to get fitted for his monitor, he agreed to report back here first thing in the morning. He went ahead and turned over his cell phone and had a wire placed on him, to assure he had no contact with his brother before the operation. You walked out of the interrogation room with Sonny trailing behind you. 

_“Five years. That’s the most that scum will get in his part of those girls’ murders.. Does that really seem like justice to you, Cal?”_

He was pissed. He wanted both of them to rot. 

You hopped up on a desk on the opposite side of the interrogation viewing window, facing Sonny.

_“No. As much as I hate it, he didn’t kill either of them. Sometimes we have to use the small fish in order to get our big fish.”_

Sonny just purses his lips and rolled his eyes. 

_“Y’know I expected him to hold out a little longer, though. Thought I’d get to see you at least a little riled up in there..”_

He wasn’t giving into you this time though. He raised an eyebrow and gave you a half smile, leaning back against the wall opposite you. He wanted you to come to him. The two of you were just around the turn of a corner, no one could see you here. 

_“Yeah? Seems like you’re still trying to get me riled up out here.”_

You slid off the table and took a few steps toward him, talking to him sarcastically. 

_“You think I’d play with your emotions like that at work, Dom?”_

He nodded his head and reached a hand out toward your waist, inching you closer to him slowly and turning. You each had a shoulder leaned against the wall. 

_“Mhm, I do. If I didn’t know better I’d say you’ve been doing it all weekend, too.”_

_“Well.. do you?”_

Your voice had gotten softer, your eyes darker. You pulled his face much closer to yours by the back of his neck. You liked Sonny a lot anyways, and had long before this weekend. But something about him lately.. Maybe it was just because you had quit having casual flings, but you were wanting him fiercely. He got nervous and confused at your question. 

_“Do I.. what?”_

You could see that his breathing was heavier. You paused for a moment to make him sweat it.

_“Know better.”_

He didn’t know how to respond. It wasn’t that he didn’t have an answer, he felt like he’d physically forgotten how to speak for a minute.

_“You’re killing me, Cali.”_

You laughed a little, leaning your head into his chest. It broke your seductive demeanor. He laughed with you and wrapped his other arm around your waist, holding you lovingly. Your other hand went to the side of his face. Your eyes had lightened and his breathing steadied. 

_“We’re still up for that date later this week, right?”_

_“Just say when.. I’m all yours. Come on, Liv is probably wondering where we’re hiding.”_

You turned the corner before Sonny and ran right into Amanda. And Fin. And Rafael. They’d been listening to all of that.

_“Jesus, guys. A blatant invasion of privacy..”_

You dipped out of work early to stop and get a new phone, remembering that you’d shattered yours last night and left it in an alleyway. You also had to buy another red dress since you neither caught your perp OR made good use of the one you wore last night. Sonny agreed to not come to your apartment at quitting time, you didn’t want to risk Alex seeing him in the hallways. He had to think that Sonny was working late. Now that you had Evan on the inside, you didn’t need one of your team mates keeping an eye on you during the sting either. It would just be you, your ear piece and microphone. Your squad would be stationed outside. 

You picked up a new phone and finally gave in to getting a new number as well, hoping it would slow down your ex texting you. This time you settled on a lacey, almost sheer dress. The lace formed into subtle flowers of the same shade of red. It felt like an eternity you were wasting inside your apartment for the sting to begin. The sun sank long before Sonny finally came upstairs. He left the door wide open and you raced to slam it before Alex saw him.

_“Sonny! What are you doing, Alex might see you!?”_

He wrapped his arms around you and pulled you against him, spinning you around. 

_“Nah, we just saw him leave. God, you are so beautiful, Cal.”_

_“Is that what you came up her for, Casanova?”_

He laughed and pulled his hands off of you, shoving them in his pocket and pulling out your lifeline. 

_“Of course not, someone’s gotta strap you in though.”_

You turned around and he unzipped your dress, letting his fingers linger a little longer than needed on your bare back. He wired you and zipped you back up.

_“Promise me you’re gonna be careful.”_

You turned around and slid your arms behind his back. 

_“I’m gonna be okay, Sonny.”_

He lifted his hand to your face, stroking your cheek with his thumb. 

_“Promise me, Cal. Please?”_

He lowered his face closer to yours, you could feel his warm breath on your lips. Your heart was racing. You just wanted him, only him. You barely whispered it. 

_“I swear.. I swear.”_

He was about to close the gap between the two of you. You just knew it. But you heard a knock at your door, the cop knock again. Then Fin’s booming voice.

_“Come on, lovebirds.”_

Sonny sighed hard. It was funny at first when your coworkers kept interrupting at the worst times, now it was just painful. 

_“Let’s get this over with.”_

You walked into the bar, the crowd was sparse. They would be closing in just under two hours. You saw Alex at the end of the bar, he noticed you as well. You weren’t here to fuck around tonight. You wanted to get in, get your evidence and get out. Then hopefully you could get back to the man that’d been sleeping in your bed for nearly a week. 

You rocked your hips back and forth toward him. You stopped in front of Evan, who mixed you a virgin cocktail. You continued down the bar toward Alex. 

_“You saving this seat for someone?”_

He motioned for you to sit while taking a gulp of a beer. 

_“Just my neighbor, looks like she just got here.”_

For trying to be flirtatious, he was so cold. He didn’t even smile at you. You sat on the stool beside him, looking at the scene around you. The same one you’d seen for the past 4 fucking nights. You were so sick of being here. 

You finished off your drink, signaling for Evan to bring you another. You drank that one as quickly as possible while still remaining casual. 

_“Your husband working late again?”_

_“Fiancé. And yes, it happens pretty often.”_

_“Hm. I ran into him in the hallway this morning, he talked about what a good girl you were..”_

There it was. The chastising attitude. You pretended like you didn’t understand he was insulting you.

_“I am good to him. I just like.. variety. Besides, what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.”_

You tried to sound as interested in him as possible. Grinding your teeth between exchanges. He was watching you sip your drinks, counting how many you threw back. You started trying to act more intoxicated, like you’d be acting if your drinks were real. Laughing a little too loudly, touching his thigh or bicep for no reason. Finally, Alex gave his signal to Evan. The signal that meant to mix you the drink that would do you in. The one that did Annie and Meredith in. Evan brought it to you and you pretended to decline.

_“No, no, I shouldn’t. I’ve had enough already.”_

_“Drink it, Cali.”_

It wasn’t a suggestion. It was a statement, a demand. You threw it back fast and looked around you, there were only a few others in the room now. You suddenly became increasingly aware of how little you heard your squad in your earpiece, was your equipment working right?

You let a few minutes pass before excusing yourself to the restroom. This would be when he took his chance. There was a lightbulb out this time in the small room, it made the place look dingier than usual. You waited, and waited. Was he going to show? Had he been onto you the whole time? You leaned both elbows against the sink and looked at yourself hard in the mirror, letting your mind wander to everything else that was going on in your life at that moment. Whatever was going on with Sonny, your ex still stalking you, your family that was 800 miles away. God, you missed your family. You missed your dad calling you “his girl” around his colleagues, or you and your sister hanging out every day. And as mad as you were at your mom right now, you missed her being your biggest supporter, your best friend. Your face had went to your hands to give your eyes a minute of relief from the terrible lighting that strained your vision. A migraine with aura, you felt it coming on. You lifted your head from your hands and felt like you were in a dream. No, wait.. a nightmare. You saw it, right behind you. Just like in your nightmare from the night before. Except this time, you could clearly see that it was Alex. He’d snuck in behind you when you were deep in thought. He grabbed your face from behind before you could even gasp. One of his hands wrapped around your long hair, pulling you back against him.

_“Don’t. Say. A single. Word.”_

He whispered it so low in the ear opposite of your mic, there was no way your squad picked that up. This wasn’t the plan. He pulled a strip of already cut duct tape over your mouth and zip tied your hands behind your back. He peaked out into the hallway, no one was there. He grabbed you by the makeshift handcuffs and pulled you down the hallway, nearly dragging you. You were running backward as he made his way through the back exit. God damn it. No one was stationed there because you’d never anticipated even leaving the bathroom without him in handcuffs. 

He had a car waiting outside, a black Lincoln Towncar. Fuck, it was already running. He threw you in the back seat, you hit your head on the inside off the opposite door. God, your migraine. He jumped in the driver’s seat and took off.  You didn’t try to say anything, you knew it would jeopardize your chance of survival. You trusted your squad. You were just waiting now for your chance. He drove back to your apartment building in silence. No music, no conversation. A lot of times they wanted to talk about their plans or berate their suspect, not him. He walked you up the stairs slowly. Not the front steps, that would’ve been too easy for you. There was a back set of staircases that were rarely serviced. The paint was chipping away, you could barely see in front of you because most of the lightbulbs were burnt out. You tripped up the stairs, your knee hitting hard against the concrete step. Blood immediately poured from your skin. Finally, you let out a loud groan. Sonny’s ears perked up. 

_“Something is happening, guys.”_

Liv was next, _“Amanda, see if you can get a visual on them without going inside.”_

They didn’t need to, Alex rolled you onto your back on the steps and slapped you hard against the face. It took you by surprise, your cheek burned. He grabbed your face and squeeze your cheeks together.

_“You’re going to be a good little whore for me, just like you are for your husband. Just like you are for all those other men.”_

Sonny’s voice was frantic,_ “Move in! Move in!”_

Fuck, they didn’t even know that you weren’t there! You were panicking by now. He rolled you back over and pulled you up by the wrists. He’d left his apartment door unlocked so he wouldn’t have to make a ruckus with the keys, pushing you inside and locking the door behind him. He dragged you to a mirror in his living room, it covered an entire wall. He stopped with you in front of him, looking you up and down in the reflection. 

_“You promise not to scream if I pull the tape off of your pretty mouth?”_

You nodded your head yes, needing to say something. Anything so that your squad could find you. He pulled it off hard and fast. You frantically were trying to get words out so they could come help you.

_“Alex, why are you doing this?? Why are we at your apartment?”_

There it was. Sonny’s voice sounded deeper this time. _“I NEED ALL UNITS EN ROUTE, ALL UNITS TO AN OFFICER IN TROUBLE.”_

Alex laughed at your question, _“Don’t ask questions. You wanted me to take you home, here you are.”_

Your hands were still behind your back, he had you pulled against him and was grinding his half hard penis against your hands through his jeans. You felt yourself shaking, getting nauseous. 

_“Please, don’t.. don’t do this..”_

You heard Fin’s voice this time, _“Just stay calm, Cal. We’re coming for ya.”_

You weren’t scared, but you had to make him think you were. He had to believe he was in control or else he had no reason to keep you alive. You watched him pull out a small duffel bag, like a kit you’d keep in your car in case it broke down. He pulled out a bandana, some smooth rope and a gun. It wasn’t a real gun though.. you could tell. It was just an air-soft gun with the orange tip painted black. The other girls must’ve mistaken it for an actual handgun. 

_“How long have you and Sonny been together, Calico?”_

What? He was asking you about your made up relationship?

_“Uh, 3 years.. why?”_

_“I’ve just heard that the longer you’ve loved someone, the harder it is to get past the grief stage. The way he looks at you though.. Poor guy might not ever move on.”_

He put his hands on both of your shoulders and slowly pushed you down to your knees. You could feel tears welling up in your eyes, he thought he was seeing pure fear when he looked into them. But he was mistaking fear for anger. 

Sonny’s voice keyed up in your ear, _“We’re almost there, babe!”_

Babe. A big fat tear slid down your cheek, you squeezed your eyes shut.

_“I’m gonna loosen your zip ties now, because I want you to use your hands for our next game.”_

He had the fake gun pointed to the back of your head.

_“If you so much as make one. wrong. move.-“_

You felt your wrists free. In one swift move you reached down to your ankles, sliding your boot knife out of your shoe. You felt the barrel of the fake gun hit the back of your scalp, it was sturdy and tough but you were running on 100% adrenaline. You whipped your torso around and buried the knife into Alex’s calf. Right to the hilt. He let out a blood curdling scream. 

_“BITCH! YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH!”_

You pulled the knife out of his flesh, he doubled over and grabbed his leg. Through gritted teeth you said into your mic.

_“Start him a bus. He’s gonna need one.”_

You approached Alex while he was still bent at the waist, screaming. You kneed him in the stomach. He stumbled to the ground, falling to his side and gripping his torso. You rolled him face down with your foot, straddling his back. You grabbed the rope he’d been planning to strangle you with. You held it in your hands for a moment, this very well could be the exact same rope he’d used to strangle Annie and Meredith. You tied his hands behind his back tight then grabbed a fistful of his hair, pulling his face back and leaning yours down to his ear. You knew your squad would hear this, and you may end up investigated by IAB, but fuck it.

_“Know that I could kill you right now just like you did those two girls, and I wouldn’t lose one bit of sleep.. I wouldn’t bat an eye. Keep that in mind and remember that I’m doing you a fucking favor by letting you live. You’re welcome.”_

You let go of his hair, letting his face smack against the ground hard. 

Olivia kicked open the door just after you’d stood to your feet. You hadn’t even heard all the commotion in your ear piece, you were focusing on not letting your rage get the better of you. You flashed your crew a toothy grin and tossed your drop knife onto the carpet, it would have to be collected for evidence anyways. Olivia’s eyes were big.

“Cali, Sonny is waiting outside with the bus.”

You wanted to change first, you didn’t want the men and women you worked besides every day to see you in a tiny dress and covered in blood. You stepped into your bathroom, looking at yourself in the mirror. Your normally green eyes were dark with circles around them. Your cheek was pink, the slight shape of a handprint could be seen if you knew to look for it. You’d long forgotten about your busted knee, but remembered when you bumped it on the door frame. You broke down. For the first time in forever, you broke down in tears. Your mind drifted back home, to your Dad and sister. How you hadn’t called them all week. But even further back to your Mom. How she could’ve lost you tonight, how you could’ve died while she thought you hated her. That would’ve killed her... You picked up your new phone that you’d left in your apartment, she didn’t even know you’d gotten a new number. You dialed hers anyways, praying she picked up. After a few rings you were about to hang up. It was so late, she was probably asleep. 

But then you heard her sleepy voice, you’d woken her up.

“Hello?”

Your voice was cracking and shaky. It took you a second and she started thinking there might not have been anyone on the other end of the line. 

_“Mom?”_

_“Cali, what’s wrong, baby?”_

You let out a loud breath followed by a wave of tears, years worth.

_“I just.. Some stuff happened tonight and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for the past few years.”_

_“Don’t say sorry, baby..”_

Always your biggest fan, always your cheerleader. You undressed and rinsed all of the blood off of you while talking to her, not sure which of it was yours or Alex’s. You changed into leggings and Sonny’s white t shirt that he’d left over again. Your body ached as you talked to your Mom about everything she’d missed out on. It was 3 in the morning, an hour since you’d called, when you remembered that Liv had wanted the medic to look at you. You hung up and heard a knock at your door, opening it you found Amanda. She hugged you tight.

_“You did a damn good job, Cal. Liv said forget about the medic as long as you feel okay.”_

_“Yeah, I’m okay. Has crime scene been here yet?”_

_“Yep, come and gone. Sonny is still outside. Want me to send him up?”_

Fuck, you’d forgotten he was waiting out there with the ambulance.

_“Yeah, tell him to come on.”_

You closed the door behind Amanda and waited on the couch. You’d talked to your mom about him. About how opening up to him felt right, how you craved him at night before you went to bed. But that you were so scared of getting close to anyone after watching hers and your dad’s ugly divorce. 20 years, down the drain. For a good while your dad was the shell of a man he was with her by his side. You didn’t want that. You wanted to be sure of who you were alone before deciding to be with anyone forever. 

******* SONNY’S POV *******

Amanda had given me the okay to go up. My heart had finally stopped beating a mile a minute and I couldn’t get her out of my fucking mind. Hearing her voice in the mic, asking Alex to not hurt her... I knew she was just playing a part, she could handle her own, but the thought.. God, I had to get the what if’s out of my mind. She was fine now. I was sure that she just wanted to be alone tonight after everything, and for the first time in 5 nights. I reached for her door handle and froze, am I crossing a line? Does she still feel the same about me after all of this? Fuck, I didn’t even know how she felt before all of this. I knocked instead and took a step back. She opened the door. God, she had to be wearing my shirt, didn’t she? And her leggings, the way they hugged her hips and thighs. I couldn’t find the words to ask her “are you okay?”. Especially not after looking into her eyes.. they were wider than ever and bright, bright green. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, I could barely even whisper her name. 

_“Cali..”_

Her lips parted when she heard it. She dropped the hand that was holding the door open to her side. 

_“Sonny?”_

Suddenly.. we were like magnets. She was in my arms in the middle of her doorway, nothing could’ve gotten me to let her go. I was holding her like I was terrified to lose her. Because I was.. Jesus Christ her lips were so soft. Her tongue was so sweet. We kissed like we’d been lovers for a lifetime. My hands went under the back of her shirt and gripped her hard. She had one hand in my hair and the other holding me by the back of the neck. Like she was scared I would pull away. We were frantic and hot against each other. She sneaked out a few words between gasps for breath.

_“Sonny.. Close the door.”_

I pulled her inside the room with me without ever pulling away and kicked the front door closed behind me. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y’all, I’m begging you to please leave me some sort of feedback. Suggestions, praise, something. I love you all. Next chapter will be up by Friday.


	7. The L Word

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The majority of this chapter is going to be in Sonny's POV! We're also going to dive into Cal's/your background for a bit. Once again, I would love some feedback/comments/encouragement/whatever. I really hope you guys are enjoying this story so far!

_"Sonny.. Close the door.”_

I pulled her inside the room with me without ever pulling away and kicked the front door closed behind me. God, her skin was so warm. She pulled me with her to the couch slowly and I lifted her ontop of me before landing on it. She couldn't have possibly been any closer and somehow it wasn't enough. Her nails were grazing my scalp as she ran her fingers through my hair. Jesus Christ, I couldnt get enough of her sweet, sweet lips. I laid on my side on her couch, pulling her down with me. She wrapped her top leg around my waist, one of my hands creeping down her torso. I ran my fingers up and down her thigh. Fuck, her thick thighs. I felt her shiver as a chill went up her spine.

_ "Are you cold?" _

I could barely get myself to pull away from her long enough to ask. We were panting against each others lips.

_ "What?" _

_ "You're shivering, are you cold?" _

I pulled a throw blanket from the back of the couch over us. She laughed and shook her head "no", giving me another small kiss.

_ "That's your phone, Sonny." _

God damn it.. My phone was vibrating in my back pocket. 

_ "Can we just ignore it?" _

I tried to convince her by pulled her in for another kiss. It wasn't hot and passionate like before. It was slow.. Both of my hands running up the back of her shirt and tracing her back, my tongue playing with hers until she pulled away.

_ "It's okay, answer it." _

It took everything in my to pull my hand off of her and reach into my back pocket. She planted tiny kisses down my cheek to my neck while I pulled the phone to my ear.

_ "Carisi... Tonight?! No one else can do it? Ugh.. Okay, give me half an hour." _

I let her nibble on my neck for a second before breaking the news, as if she didn't already know.

_ "Liv wants me to come book Alex, she doesn't want anything mishandled with this case.." _

_ "Mhm, I heard." _

She laid one last kiss on my skin before she pulled away. 

_ "Duty calls, right?" _

I nodded my head up and down, her face was finally in front of mine instead of against it. Her lips were red and wet, I'm sure mine were too. She looked so tired.. and not just in her face. Looking into her eyes I could see how mentally exhaused she was.

_ "I probably should've asked this before.. but are you okay?" _

A small smile appeared on her face and she moved one of her hands to my cheek.

_ "I'm great, Sonny. Go.. Make sure this guy doesn't walk, okay?" _

_ "I will, I swear. You want me back here tonight?" _

_ "I do.. but I think that I should be alone tonight, if that's okay.." _

I was praying that she wouldn't say that. I couldn't stand the thought of pulling away from her, let alone sleeping in my own bed.. But I understood. We'd been playing this game with each other without even realizing it for the past year. Everyone around us could see it except for **us, **until Friday. I told her that I understood and pulled her up upright with me. 

_ "God, you know you look so beautiful in my shirts, right?" _

She smiled big and cupped my face.

_ "Yeah, I've been told a time or two." _

She kissed me one more time before sliding off of me and onto the seat to my right. Suddenly, I felt so empty.. I let out an annoyed sigh and stood up, making my way towards the door.

_ "Sonny.. why didn't you come up with the rest of the squad when you first got here?" _

I hated to admit a moment of weakness, but that was exactly it.

_ "Honestly.. I was scared that I was gonna kill him.." _

Me and her, we'd seen some terrible things together. Things that would break any normal person. But for the first time, I think I saw her eyes well up with tears.

_ "Me too.." _

I turned back toward her and kissed her on the forehead.

_ "Text me your new number and get some _ sleep."

I stopped on the stoop outside of her apartment, feeling my phone vibrate in my pocket again. It was a text this time.

** _ About that date.. Tomorrow night sound good? _ **

I turned around and looked up the building. There she was, leaned against her balcony railing, smoking a cigarette. I texted her back.

_ ** I wouldn't miss it for the world. ** _

It was an excrutiatingly long night at the precinct. The last thing I needed was to be alone with that piece of shit. I personally walked all evidence to the lab to avoid chain of command problems. I picked him up from the hospital, he got photographed, fingerprinted, and thrown in a holding cell to await araignment the next morning.

_ "That sure was some good acting the last few days, on both your parts.. Kudos." _

_ "Mhm, my partner is real good at her job." _

_ "I can tell. It's a shame, I've been dreaming for the past year about what else she's good at." _

I looked at him like I was fucking over it. It was late, I was going bed alone tonight and already hated the dude. I turned to walk out and he continued.

_ "Come on, detective! It's obvious. Why weren't you up there when your buddies busted my fucking door down? Were you afraid you'd see another guy having his way with your girl?" _

He could've just stopped, I could've just walked away. 

_ "She tied a damn good knot, y'know. I wouldn't have been the first one to use it on her." _

I ran the keys to the cell through my fingers, contemplating whether it was worth it. Ultimately deciding that it was.. I put the key in the cell door and unlocked it. Regret immediately filled his face. I grabbed his collar and forced him against the wall and lowering my voice.

_ "I suggest you take Detective Jack's advice and be grateful that she didn't kill you when she had the chance." _

He looked much smaller against the off white walls. He swallowed hard and just nodded his head up and down.

Home didn't feel like home now. Crazy how just a few nights away can do that to a place. My apartment looked so bare compared to hers.. No photos hanging on the wall or candles on the entertainment center. I tried watching some late night TV on my futon but couldn't get the taste of her lips out of my mouth. All I could feel was her hands in my hair. I shut off the TV and retreated to my cold bedroom. I laid in bed for hours, staring at my ceiling and wrapping my blanket as tight around me as I could, trying to mimick the feeling of her sleeping on me. I finally fell asleep an hour before my alarm went off. 

Walking into the office wasn't any better. I came in an hour late to get just a little more sleep, the entire squad seemed to have gotten just as much as I did. The desk opposite of mine, Cali's desk, was empty. It hadn't been touched.

_"Liv, Cal not here yet?"_

She walked to my desk from her office.

_"She called in a personal day a few minutes ago. Everything seem okay when you talked to her last night?"_

_"Yeah she uh.. she seemed great, actually.."_

************ Cali's POV ************

I didn't sleep last night. Not a wink, I didn't even lay down. Usually my anxiety attacks hit me like a freight train out of no where, one second I would be fine, the next I'd be shaking and sweaty. When Sonny left my apartment, I felt it coming on quickly. So I did everything I could to keep it away. I decluttered, filling up 6 trash bags full of stuff to donate. I organized my cabinets, every single one. Boxed up food I knew I'd never eat to take down to the homeless shelter. Washed every blanket, throw, pillow sham and sheet that I owned. Hell, I even vacuumed my furniture. By 8 a.m. I sat in my perfectly spotless apartment and I could still feel his fingers on my back. I still saw his clear blue eyes whenever my mind drifted. I decided that I needed a mental health day, I needed to call my family. But most of all, I needed to clear my head and be sure of who I was _alone _before anything went further with Sonny. I FaceTimed my Dad, knowing he was probably sitting at his dining room table and enjoying his second cup of coffee by now.

_ "Hey, girl! I was starting to think you'd forgot about your old man!" _

I swear, the longer I lived up here the thicker his southern accent got. Or maybe mine was just fading away.

_ "Hey, Daddy. I could never. That your second cup already?" _

My dad was a big guy, he already had his uniform on for the day. He'd lost a lot of weight after my mom left him, but she'd found someone else long before he'd realized it was time to give up. Five years later he was still healing, so was I. 

_ "You know me, Cal. You don't work today?" _

_ "Nah, nah. I called in to uh.. get my head straight, I guess." _

He looked at me through the camera, like he was looking right in my eyes from 800 miles away. He always knew when something was wrong, I didn't need to tell him.

_ "Everything okay up there? You know you can talk to me, baby." _

_ "I know, Dad. It's just.. you know I hate asking you about what happened with you and Mom.. But do you ever regret it? Not the divorce, the relationship overall." _

_ "Of course not! I spent 20 years with your mother. We raised two beautiful, strong girls and traveled the world together." _

_ "Yeah, but now that it's over would you take it all back to save yourself the heartache? Or do you think it was all worth it?" _

_ "Listen, baby, if this is about a guy-" _

_ "it is, Daddy. It IS about a guy. After everything that you and I have been through.. How could I be so stupid to want to do it all over again?" _

I could feel the water works coming on. During my parents' divorce I'd watched my dad break down, it was the first time I'd EVER seen him cry. The following months he'd call me randomly just to vent, always saying I was his strong daughter. That my little sister wasn't sturdy enough to handle his grief and her own all at once. So I hated showing weakness around him.

_ "Listen to me, Cali. Your mama was my best friend for a long time.. She still knows more about me than anyone in this world, and I haven't spoken to her since you moved off. But no matter how things end, you can't be scared to take a chance just because things might go wrong. Your mama was my best friend, but she wasn't my soul mate." _

I couldn't say anything back. Part of me had wanted him to agree with me, tell me to guard my heart so that it never got hurt. I was searching for an excuse to push Sonny away but running into dead ends at every turn.

_ "Speaking of.. I've been spending some time with a lady these days." _

_ "No way! You gotta girlfriend, Dad??" _

_ "Well, something like that. You quit putting labels on things once you get to my age, y'know. Her name's Darlene, I think you'd like her a lot." _

_ "I'll be down for Christmas, maybe we can get lunch with her or something." _

_ "Oh yeah, I'd say so because I'm gonna ask her to move in with me. I figure it's time to take the next step." _

I was smitten. For 5 years I'd been praying my dad would find someone. Not just anyone, someone that would treat him right and love him the way that he'd loved my mom all those years. 

_ "Holy shit, Dad! That's awesome, I'm happy for you." _

_ "Hey I'm gonna hop off here though, duty calls. I'll talk to ya later and I love you, baby." _

I told Dad I loved him and hung up. I texted my sister and told her to FaceTime me when she got out of class. She called me at noon on her lunch break, she was sitting outside her school's common grounds eating a salad.

_ "Hey! Jeez, it looks so warm there. I'm jealous." _

_ "Sunny and 75 like always. Dad texted and told me you'd called this morning, how's it go?" _

_ "It goes, it goes. Am I the last to find out that he has a girlfriend? _

_ "Dude, pretty much. I just met her last week, she's cool. Former military like ya'll." _

Maddie had her shades down over her eyes but her big smile and right cheek dimple that matched yours gave off her emotions.

_ "Good, I hope things work out with them. How's it going with Danny?" _

Her face lit up even in the bright sunshine. That's what my mom had always called her, her sunshine. Maddie was her sunshine that made her happy when he skies were grey. I was her moon that lit up her darkest nights. We all loved each other to the moon and back, that is until she kicked my dad off of her rocketship. Then I'd kicked her off of mine. 

_ "Freaking great, we finally dropped the L word." _

_ "Wow! It only took 7 years of dating, 5 years of living together and raising 3 pets. I'm happy for you, dude!" _

_ "Danny is actually looking at some jobs up north.. Higher demand for software engineers in the Big Apple, y'know?" _

Oh god did my heart flutter. The thought of having my best friend back with me.

_ "Also, uh, I talked to Mom. She said she got a call from you last night. You good?" _

_ "Yeah, under cover work just got to me. I'm fine now." _

_ "She mentioned something about a guy you talked to her about. You getting back in the dating game?" _

I smiled at her and rolled my eyes.

_ "I see she hasn't changed, can't keep a secret to save her life.. I don't know. My partner and I have gotten awfully close this past year. He stayed the night for a few days and we're supposed to be going on a date tonight." _

_ "Wait is he the one that's like 10 years older than you? He was messing with you when we were FaceTiming a few months ago?" _

_ "Mhm, thick accent?" _

_ "Oooh, he's a cutie. Ya'll hooked up yet?" _

Lord, I'd forgotten that my baby sister wasn't so much of a baby anymore.

_ "Madison! No, I have not 'hooked up' with him. He's not one of my one nighters, I feel like there's actually something there.. but it's confusing. How do I know if he's my Danny?" _

_ "I mean, it's not like one of the guys you pick up at a bar is your Danny, either." _

She had a good point. What did I really have to lose? 

_ "I gotta get back to class, but I say go for it. He's older, he knows what he wants. I'll talk to ya later, Cal." _

I hung up with my sister and contemplated calling my mom again. I knew she'd be with her boyfriend, the guy she'd left my dad for. Jamie wasn't a bad guy, he'd never done anything shitty or tried to take my dad's place. There was still something holding me back from giving him a chance though, along with something holding me back from truly forgiving my mom. I decided that I didn't need to call her. I was thankful that she'd answered last night, but I still had anger in my heart toward her. I still felt betrayal on behalf of my dad. My whole life, I'd been so proud of having parents that weren't divorced, then all of a sudden my family was part of the statistic. That was the scariest part about a new relationship.. Everything is so new and shiny at first. You think about forever because you never believe that those feelings are going to change, but sometimes they do.. Sometimes in a year, sometimes in 20. At least one night stands can't wake up in their 40's and decide that they don't love me anymore. 

Sonny called me a little while later, it was so nice to hear my voice after just arguing with myself in my head all day long.

_ "Hey, boss! We're all missing you here at the precinct today." _

_ "Oh yeah? Sorry, I just wanted to catch up with my family and clear my head. You rough up any bad guys?" _

_ "Nah, I don't have any reason to if you aren't here to watch." _

Shit, I'd forgotten that I told him about that. 

_ "You sleep at all last night?" _

_ "Not a wink, I should probably do that before our date later." _

Date? It was a date, right? I'd gotten dinner with Sonny dozens of times. One had never been officially declared a date though.

_ "Yeah I couldn't fall asleep either without your loud snoring in my ear. I was starting to think you were gonna call out on me tonight, too." _

_ "All right, ouch on the jab. But no, I'm excited about dinner. What time are we going? _

_ "7 sound good to you?" _

_ "That sounds great, Dom. I think I'm gonna try to take a nap." _

_ "All right, I'll see you soon, Cal." _

I laid down in my bed for the first time in almost 2 days. It felt too big without Sonny's long, lanky body spread out over it. I pulled my gravity blanket out from under my bed. It was hot, but it made me feel less alone.

** ********** SONNY'S POV ********** **

_ "So.. where you takin' her tonight?" _

Fin was standing behind me when I hung up the phone, a big grin on his face. I couldn't help but smile back.

_ "I should probably figure that out, huh? You got anything in mind?" _

_ "Come on, man!" _

He motioned for me to follow him into the break room, empty at the time.

_ "First order of business, you have to make good on our agreement.. Fess up!" _

I rolled my eyes and kept my mouth shut, he wanted details. "Locker room talk", as he called it

"_I'm not gonna tell anyone, man. You know I'm just rootin' for you guys, we all are."_

Yeah, I'd heard about the bets going on around the precinct. Fin, Rafael, Amanda, even a few traffic officers and secretaries.

_ "This doesn't leave this room.. Last night after Amanda gave me the okay to go up to her apartment.. It's like something just clicked with us. I don't know about her, but I'd never felt anything like that before." _

I'd never seen Fin smile so big, aside from when he found out he was gonna be a grandpa.

_ "Okay, okay, then what?" _

_ "Then nothing, man. We were making out when Liv called me and said she needed me down here to finish up that jackasses booking." _

_ 'Wait, wait, wait! Who kissed who?" _

_ "What? Neither, both, I guess?" _

He let out a huge sigh of disappointment.

_ "Damn it, that's 50 bucks of mine gone!" _

_ "Okay aside for your bet, what do I do next? I've never gone out with a girl like Cal, do I take her to a fancy dinner, cook for her at my place, what? _ _ " _

_ "No, I've seen your place. Don't let her see it, **ever. **But I do have an idea.." _

I showed up at her door at 7 on the dot. God, why was I so nervous? I was fucking sweating even though it was almost 40 degrees out. I still had the key she'd given me to her apartment but knocked on the door anyways. She came to the door quickly and good lord.. She somehow managed to look so fucking sexy no matter what she put on. Tight jeans with clean rips on the knees and a long sleeved, tucked in, white sweater that fit her like a glove. Before this weekend I'd mainly seen her in hoodies and loose t-shirts, but now.. Seeing her in outfits that perfectly hugged her curves.. She smiled at me bigger than ever, I'd always loved seeing her beautiful teeth and adorable dimples. I swear, I melted when I saw her glowing face. After everything last night and me worrying about her all day, she seemed to be in such a good place like always. She said "Hey!" and pulled me in for a big hug, I felt back at home with my arms around her. 

_ "Are those for me?" _

Oh, the flowers! I was holding flowers in my hand that I'd forgotten all about, handing them to her.

_ "Oh, yeah! Sorry, they don't have the best cuts right now. Weather, y'know." _

_ "Two bouquets in one week, what did I do to deserve that?" _

She didn't have to do anything in particular. I just liked seeing the smile they brought to her face. She pulled on a long, thin cardigan. It was striped with different colors; red, white, orange, light blue and navy. It matched her personality. Unique but so, so uplifting. She locked the door behind her and we walked and talked about everything and nothing. Eventually we got to a little park, we'd been here before for lunch while we were on the job. We'd chased perps through here and watched families playing catch with their kids. It was shaped like a circle and had 8 or so food trucks bordering the grass. For a second I thought I'd made the wrong decision, she deserved a lot more than a cheap date. But she looked up at me like I'd made her entire year.

_ "How do you know me so. damn. well. Sonny?" _

We parted way for a few minutes and then met up and a bench in the center of the park. She had a to go box full of 3 big spaghetti tacos, mine had a loaded baked potato.

_ "Spaghetti, you sure you're not Italian?" _

_ "The freckles definitely disqualify me, but I'll take almost anything over Scottish, so" _

We ate between talking about our day without each other. Me much slower, watching her was a lot more interesting. She sat her empty box down on the ground in front of us, crossing her legs and facing me on the bench.

_ "That's great! I'm happy for your pops, he sounds like he's happy." _

_ "Mhm, I hope so. I haven't seen him whole since the divorce." _

_ "Is that why you don't talk about your mom much? The divorce?" _

She had a tiny bit of pain in her voice but she nodded her head.

_ "It's weird.. Growing up I didn't have any friends with married parents. I was so proud that my house was the one everyone would come to when they needed reassurance from adults. People that I haven't spoken to since high school STILL call my parents on their birthdays, on Mother's Day and Father's Day." _

_ "They gave so many kids the support they couldn't find at home, that's something to be proud of, Cal." _

_ "I know, I know. So when my Mom decided to leave my dad, I just felt like she was breaking up such a happy home. Not just our family, but the family that all these other kids had found solace in, too. Some of my friends were more upset about their divorce than they were their own biological parents divorces." _

_ _ Her hands were shaking. I'm not sure if it was from the dropping temperature or her fear of revealing too much. I grabbed them from her and breathed warm air onto them.

_ "Your mom deserves to be happy. Just like your dad deserves someone that loves him the way he should be loved." _

She scooted closer to me and I wrapped my arm around her shouder, pulling her to my chest. I could see her breath and mine now as she looked up at me. Her adorable puppy dog face.

_ "Did you enjoy your night of freedom from me?" _

I couldn't help but to laugh. Freedom. These days I just felt lonely when I wasn't with her.

_ "What'd ya say we catch a cab back to your place?" _

We stepped onto the curb just a few yards away, she stuck a hand out to hail a taxi. I was gripping the other tight and admiring how well she'd adapted to the New York life in less than a year.

_ "You know that it doesn't always end that way, right? Heartache.." _

She turned around to me and looked me dead in the eye. This couldn't be healthy, my heart dropping to the pit of my stomach every time she looked at me a certain way or spoke in that sweet tone when she was teasing me.

_ "I sure hope not, Sonny." _

The next thing I knew, we were in the back of a cab. She was ontop of me and her hair was falling in my face. I couldn't get enough of her soft lips.. I couldn't pull her close enough.

In the elevator she had me against the doors as they opened. I pulled her out and down the hallway. I kicked the front door shut behind me as I pushed her into her apartment. Her tight shirt had long been untucked and slid up her torse. I was grabbing her hips hard, pinning her against her bedroom door. She slowed her lips, steadying her breathing. Our chests were rising and falling hard, panting against each other. God, her skin was so hot. I turned the door knob behind her and backed her into the dark bedroom. She bit my lip so softly, I couldn't stop the moan from escaping my throat.. My hands wandered down to her ass, squeezing and lifting her up. Walking her over to the bed slowly. Our tongues danced together while she slid her cardigan off of her shoulders and let it fall to the ground. I dropped to the bed with her ontop of me, she pushed me down by the shoulders, laying against my chest. And just like the night before.. My phone started ringing. I felt her sigh hard against my lips.

_ "No, no, no, no, baby, let it ring this time." _

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and silenced it, tossing it across the room. My hands traveled up her back, sliding her shirt up her skin. She leant up and let me lift it over her head. I pulled her face hard back to mine by the back of her neck while her fingers worked on my shirt buttons. I loosened my tie with my free hand. She opened my shirt and I felt her warm hands against my skin. It sent chills up me. He mouth moved down my face to my neck, nibbling and sucking gently on my skin. Just enough so that she wouldn't leave a mark. My fingers traced the edge of her jeans, asking for permission. She let out the softest moan.. It sounded like heaven to me. She nodded her head against my skin. I slid my fingers around to the front of her and unbuttoned her pants. Just as soon as I was about to push them down, we both heard the ringing from her back pocket as well. She let out an annoyed whine before pulling it out and answering. It was Fin.

_ "What." _

Thank God it was Fin. Adressing Olivia like that would've needed some explaining later.

_"Yeah.. Give us a minute, we'll be there."_  


She sat up on my lap and looked down at me, her smooth cheeks were flushed red. I sat up and held her around the waist.

_ "It's okay, babe. I can wait." _

I brushed her hair out of her face and gave her one last, long kiss.

_ "Y'know, I could get used to this 'baby' thing." _

I buttoned my shirt and tightened my tie. She tucked her shirt back in and buttoned her jeans, pulling back on her cardigan before we started out the door.


	8. Stained Glass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Starting this chapter out in your/Cali's POV. I think I'm mainley going to go back and forth between yours and Sonny's POV from here on out. I'm skipping through the work parts of your day for the next few chapters, then you'll get a nice mix of detective life and relationship. ENJOY and please leave me comments/feedback/etc.

Fin and I stepped out onto the front porch of the huge house. Sonny stayed behind for a moment, talking to the daughter about the consequences of filing false police reports. The mother had walked in on her daughter and new boyfriend going at it. The daughter, scared of getting in trouble with her parents, said that she was being raped. The boy took a good whack in the head from the dad in the heat of the moment, but everyone had ultimately decided to drop the whole thing once we got here to mediate and figure out what was really going on.

_"You really had to call us out here for this?"_

Can girls get blue balls? Is that a thing? I was so irritated now, I knew it wasn't Fin's fault though. 

_"Listen if I interrupted something, I'm sorry! I've been there, believe me."_

He looked at me like he knew something, but I'd already figured him and Sonny had been talking about everything going on. I get it, guys like to brag to each other. 

_"Then you'll understand when I say that I am fucking **begging **ya'll to not call us for just one night. Just ONE night, Fin, that's all I'm asking."_

_"Oh you got it that bad, girl? My bad, I didn't know it was like that!"_

Now he was just mocking me. I laughed at him and stepped out onto the side walk to light a cigarette, not wanting to ash on these people's expensive porch.

_"I know ya'll talk.. What's he say about me?"_

_"Now you know I'm not about to break the guy code_ _. What Sonny says to me he says in confidence."_

_"Ugh, come on. I just wanna know if we're on the same page, y'know."_

Fin peeked up the steps to make sure Sonny wasn't coming outside. He was in the doorway handing his card to the parents.

_“Listen, all I'm gonna say is that that kid thinks you hung the damn moon."_

My heart fluttered a tiny bit. Fin and I had had more nights of 'locker room talk' at the bar than we'd had with anyone else. He knew that I had plenty of one nighters and sometimes they tried to call me after, but I never let anyone get too close.

_"What do you think, Fin? Should I give it a shot?"_

He nodded his head yes as Sonny came down the steps to the side walk.

_"All right, Mom and Dad are gonna sit down and give the guy a chance. Our job is done here, unless you have something else for us?"_

Sonny was matching my irritability from earlier. Fin didn't live too far away so he walked home, Sonny and I hailed a cab back to my apartment. We were both tired and out of the mood by now.

_"I'm starting to get concerned about why you've never invited me back to your place. Don't want me meeting the Misses? She's probably getting worried about you, y'know."_

_"Yeah right, I haven't been able to trick a broad into marrying me yet. Your place is much.. homier than mine is."_

I believed it. Most guys I went home with had a single recliner and TV in their living room with a box spring and mattress on the floor in the bedroom. Not that I only went home with losers, I'd just gotten the feeling that most guys didn't care much for decorating. We got undressed and crawled into bed together. The lack of sleep the night before was getting to me now. I curled up to his chest with one of my legs over his, kissing his smooth skin. I felt chill bumps forming on him.

_"So.. I'm not great at these sort of things.. But I had a lot of fun with you tonight, Dom."_

_"Me too.. I always enjoy my time with you, Cal."_

He was running his fingers through my hair, I rested my chin on his chest and looked up at him. There was just a little bit of light shining in through the windows from the city outside.

_"There's this place I wanna visit on Friday. I was gonna go alone, because it's a little bit of a drive. But I think you'd enjoy it if you wanted to tag a long."_

_"Friday? Liv might kill us if we both call out."_

_"No, no, after work! They don't close until midnight."_

_"All right, are we counting this as our second date?"_

My heart sped up, I was hoping he'd ask that. I nodded my head yes and he stroked my cheek, leaning down to kiss me. It'd been a long, long time since I had _just _kissed a guy. The bar hoppers were usually too rough, moving too fast or too drunk to care about kissing at all. But Sonny's lips were so soft, it was hard to not go in for more. He pulled away and planted another kiss on my head. I fell asleep fast against him.

We stopped for coffee the next morning on our way to the precinct, he called me crazy for drinking iced coffee year round. (it's better though and we all know it.) He slept at his apartment Thursday night and it sucked. Even when we weren't together, whether it was at my apartment or at work, we were always texting or talking on the phone. He came into work after me on Friday morning, I was already at my desk and typing up a report on a potential familial abuse case we'd taken the day before.

_"We still on for tonight?"_

He sat a slice of my favorite banana bread on my desk. He was talking low, trying to avoid Liv or Amanda hearing him. Fin had an idea of what was going on, but nothing was official so we were left to pretending everything was normal and sneaking quick kisses behind closed doors. But Amanda’s ears perked up, overhearing our conversation.

_"Mhm, I was gonna avoid eating today so I don't ruin my meal tonight, but you know I can't resist the world's best banana bread."_

_"So what makes this place good enough to drive 3 hours away for?"_

_"Nope! That's a surprise. You're gonna love it, I swear."_

I made my way into the break room at lunch time, Olivia and Amanda were already there. They looked at me and stopped speaking when I entered. They were smiling down at their meals like teenage girls that had been gossiping. I popped my leftovers in the microwave and leaned back against the counter.

_"Am I interrupting something?"_

They weren't being malicious and neither was I. It was actually kind of nice. Everyone in the squad was considerably older than me but they never treated me like I was inexperienced or a child. I'd grown so close with Amanda and Liv during my short time here and was lucky to call them some of my closest girl friends. Liv leaned over in her seat and tapped the break room door, leaving it open just a crack.

_"Not at all! We were just discussing when you and Carisi were going to stop hiding your, uh.. relationship."_

_"Relationship? Ya'll are starting to sound like Fin now._

Amanda looked up from her bowl, _"Come on, we can all see what's goin' on, Cal.."_

I pulled my plate from the microwave and sat down beside her, I'm sure Liv could see the slight expression of upset on my face.

_"Listen, Liv. Please.. Please don't reassign us to different partners. Sonny and I kill it out there together and-"_

"_No, no no! Cali, don't worry about that. The truth is, relationships always happen here. You spend half of your life with your partner, sometimes things are just bound to happen."_

I laughed at her choice of words, _"Bound to happen?"_

Amanda spoke up, _"Now, we've been betting on you two 'happening' whether you were partners or not though."_

_"Oh yeah? "_

I loved Amanda. Being from the south, we were so much alike. I grew up just a few hours from Atlanta and spent a good amount of time there after I left the church. We'd always been able to shoot the shit together like the guys.

_"You know what he said to me the first day Liv introduced you to use? You went in her office and Carisi asked me if I thought you were into older guys!"_

Olivia's eyes got big and she elbowed Amanda in the ribs, but we were cracking up laughing together. 

_"Well, just so ya'll have your facts straight.. No, Sonny and I are not dating. We went out on a date and have a second one tonight, but we’re not an item."_

_"But he's stayed at your place for what, 5 days this week?" _Amanda lifted an eyebrow.

_"Yeah, I know how that looks. It's not like that though."_

_"That reminds me, I heard through the grapevine that I apparently uh.. interrupted something.. a few nights ago."_

Now Liv was joining in on the locker room talk? I knew that I shouldn't have trusted Fin. I scraped my plate of the rest of my leftovers and got up, throwing my plate away and heading for the door.

_"About that. If you need to call either of us today after quitting time... Please, don't."_

Liv laughed and nodded, yelling out the door after me.

_"Make good choices!"_

************ SONNY'S POV ************

It would be a 3 hour drive to wherever we were going, plus the delay of rush hour traffic in the city. I stopped by my place first to get a change of clothes before letting myself into Cali's apartment. She popped her head out the door of her hall bathroom, brushing her teeth. She came out a minute later in jeans and her bra, pulling a t-shirt over her head.

_"Oh, my bad! Sorry."_

_"You've seen me in much less, Sonny. Are you ready?"_

We walked out of her building and turned down the sidewalk. I assumed we were taking a squad car from the precinct but she turned the opposite way, surely she didn't plan on taking a subway the entire way there?

_"I'm over here in the parking garage, I figured I needed to let my baby stretch her legs a little bit."_

_"You own a car? In New York City?"_

_"Yeah! We don't have subways in Tennessee and I wasn't just gonna give her up. I have been neglecting her recently though."_

Inside the garage she skipped up to a 2009 or so Subaru Outback and hugged the driver's side window. It suited her, really. Forest green and down to earth.

_"Sonny, meet Opal the Outback. She was the first big thing I bought when I came home from deployment. I didn't get her brand new or anything.. but she was new to me."_

She looked so, so proud. I hopped in the passenger seat and we started our journey. But I started thinking about her being in the military.. She was still young. I knew she'd done at least one deployment, but could she still be sent off? We weren't officially anything yet, but what about in 6 months, a year, two years? What would happen if she were deployed again?

_"Is your military duty off limits to talk about?"_

She shook her head no.

_"Nothing is off limits, Dom. What do you wanna know?"_

_"You think you're gonna be deployed again?"_

Maybe it was selfish of me to hope she wouldn't be. I was proud of her, regardless of _why _she joined, she served our country. But the thought of her being gone for a year to god knows where did upset me.

_"I mean, I could take new orders if I wanted to. But I can't be mandatoried, I served my time."_

_"But if they offered to send you somewhere really nice, gave you some cushy housing, y'know."_

She laughed at my speculation and held her hand out palm up for me to take, I did.

_"If you're worried about me going somewhere, don't be. I'm happy where I am."_

_"You know I just worry about you, babe."_

She smiled at me and nodded her head. We were almost there and I could hear her stomach growling. 

_"You gonna wait until we pull up or can I know about this place yet?"_

_"I suppose.. It's called The Yellow Deli. It's not fancy or anything, it's locally owned. We have one back home too and I've been craving them so fucking bad lately, plus I've been a little homesick."_

It was dark by the time we got there, traffic had set us back almost an hour. The building had a stained glass painted sign that read the name. Stepping inside there was a whiff of fresh bread in the air and soft instrumental music playing. It was beautifully whimsical. We were greeted and sat in a corner. All of the booths and tables were made of wood, there were bright paintings on the walls with wind chimes and greenery hanging in all of the windows.

_"Cali, this is.. God, this place feels magical."_

_"I love this, I love getting to see people's faces the first time they come here. I remember the first time I visited the one back home, I wanted my entire life to look like this. Peaceful, like it came straight out of a story book."_

She said they didn't have the exact same menu as the one in her hometown, but it was similar enough. She ordered the Long Island Rancher with a banana milk, it was something like banana smoothie. I ordered a Brooklyn Dawn and a "natural root beer", whatever that means. The employees were odd, they seemed way too happy to be there. But the food was fucking delicious. Her sandwich was apparently hot, she finished her smoothie and asked for a water to stop the burn.

_"The holidays are coming up, you got plans to go visit your family?"_

_"I hope so, I put in for Thanksgiving off but you know how it is. Lowest on the seniority ladder usually doesn't get the National Domestic Violence Days off."_

Everyone in our line of work knew that the domestics always rolled in around the holidays. And she was right, I didn't wanna break it to her though that she'd probably be the on call that day.

_"Well you're welcome to spend it at my folks house if you're on call. I know they're not your family but I tell ya, Mama Carisi cooks a mean turkey!"_

She laughed at me and took the last bite of her sandwich, mine had been long gone.

_"Hm, taking me home to meet the parents already? I appreciate that, I'm keeping my fingers crossed though."_

I didn't mean it like that when I said it, but I think they'd approve. I think she'd understand their cocky sense of humor and abrasive attitudes. I paid the bill and we sat outside for our food to settle. They would be closing soon and it was still a long drive back to her apartment.

_"You know, I can drive back so you can rest a little. Have you slept well the past few days?"_

_"Not really," _she shook her head no while pausing, _"I guess I got a little spoiled, having someone to curl up to at night when we were engaged for a few days."_

That sweet voice. It always came out when she when she was being extra sweet or trying to mess with me.. She tugged on the edge of my jacket, like she was asking me to meet her in the middle. She didn't have to ask twice, my arm went around her waist. Fuck, it sank in how bad I'd been missing her the past two days. I couldn't help but stare at her lips, they curved into a smile. My other hand pulled her face to mine, kissing her slowly while she held onto my jacket. Her tongue slid inside my mouth and danced with mine. I gripped her closer by the small of her back.

_"God, do we have to drive home tonight? We could just stay here, baby."_

She shook her head and smiled against my lips.

_"Nuhuh, I want you in my bed tonight. Not some shitty motel mattress."_

God damn it, this is what madness felt like. She was driving me crazy. Not just physically.. even though I had had more than one dream about being with her. She slid her car keys into my hand and pulled away, lifting herself up into the passenger side seat. Halfway through the ride home we were crying with laughter, she was telling me about how she and her friends used to go "ghost hunting", usually while high and illegally trespassing. It was nice to remember a time when we weren't cops, didn't care about breaking petty laws that weren't hurting anyone except maybe our brain cells.

_"So me and like 4 of my friends are in this abandoned insane asylum in Knoxville, TWO hours away from home. We had to crawl under barbed wire fences because the place was under construction and about to be torn down. And we hear laughing outside, its ANOTHER group of teenagers our age doing the exact same damn thing we're doing. But I was wearing my Dad's old police jacket! So I tell my friends "watch this!" I swear, I was born with a cop voice. I come outside with my flashlight up and tell them "Freeze, Police! Hands against the wall!" I think one of them actually pissed themself."_

I wiped tears from my face, my cheeks hurt from laughing so hard.

_"When did you finally break it to them??"_

_"I didn't have the chance! My idiot friends were laughing too hard behind the wall and it made my stupid, high ass burst out laughing, too!"_

_"Oh god, it's crazy right.. For you that stuff wasn't all that long ago. For me, Jesus, I can barely remember what it's like to not have a badge."_

She grabbed my hand and her face fell.

_"It doesn't bother you.. Does it? That I'm a little younger than you.."_

Shit, I didn't mean it in a bad way. Being with her made made feel younger than ever, she made me feel more alive than I'd been in years. I let go of her hand and gripped her thigh, she had her legs propped up on the dashboard with her shoes kicked off.

_"No, Cal, absolutely not! I'm sorry.. I didn't mean it like that."_

She laid her chair back and I kept my hand on her thigh as we got close to home. It was a sight, seeing her stretched out like that. She leaned her arms back to relax her back, her shirt riding up above her belly button. I ran my fingers across her stomach, she liked that at night time when she was sleepy. But when she turned her head towards me, her eyes were closed and her voice had that hint of flirtatiousness in it.

_"Mm, that feels good, baby.."_

I looked over at her and her eyes opened, they'd gotten darker.

_"God, you have no idea how beautiful you look, Cali."_

I could hear my own voice getting rougher.. I turned onto her street.

_"Just park in front of my building. I'll take the citation."_

_"You in a hurry for something?"_

A smile crept across her face and she let out the tiniest chuckle. She unbuckled and sat her seat up.

_"Absolutely."_

There it was, my heart dropping right into my stomach. We played out the same scene as a few nights ago, she had me up against the elevator wall by the collar of my jacket. I carried her into her bedroom, gripping her ass hard.

_"Turn your phone off, baby. I don't want any interruptions this time."_

_"I already told Liv we weren't taking any calls tonight, but holy shit keep talking to me.."_

Fuck, the fact that she'd planned all of this out.. I crashed down on the bed on top of her. We were pushing the clothes off of each other fast. My shirt fell off of my shoulders and she lifted up for me to pull hers over her head. Her hands were in my hair while I kissed up and down her neck. I bit her soft skin and pulled just a little bit, she let out the sweetest moan and wrapped one of her legs around my waist, pulling me closer to her. Her hands trailed down to my pants, scraping against my crotch. I was growing and she could feel it. I breathed hard against her throat and she took that as permission. She unbuttoned my jeans and slid her warm fingers through my hair.

_"I want you, Sonny."_

Her voice was breathy and hot. I pulled her tight jeans down over her ass, then lifted off of her to let mine fall to the floor. I stopped to look at her. She looked up into my eyes, panting as she slid her pants down her thighs and over her legs. Thinking about how a few months ago she was just my new partner, a new face around the precinct that I liked to look at a little too often. Now she was this absolutely beautiful woman that I could barely get my hands off of. Her skin glowed in light from the street lamps that were shining in through her curtains. She didn't say anything now. She just held eye contact with me while she reached behind her back, unhooking her bra and sliding it off. I pulled off my boxer briefs and reached out to stroke one of her bent knees, spreading them slowly. She bit her lip and nodded her head up and down slowly. I ran my hands up her thighs to her stomach, leaning down to kiss her waist. My fingers slipped inside the waistband of her thong, pulling them down her smooth legs. I moved her to the top of the bed and lay between her legs, kissing her slowly. We were grinding against each other, softly at first.. but I could feel her getting wetter. We were moaning against each others lips.

_"Tell me what you want, Cali.."_

_"I want you inside me, Sonny. All of you."_

My heart could've exploded. I slid a hand under her lower back, lifting her up to me and pushing myself inside her slowly. Her head rolled back and she gripped my back, pulling my chest closer to hers. Jesus Christ it took everything in me to not just lay into her. I wanted more, so much more. She wrapped a leg around my waist, letting me in deeper. I gripped her ass hard and my moans got louder.

_"Oh my god.. baby.."_

She was panting hard.

_"More.. please.."_

I crashed in and out of her, harder gradually. We both let out a mix of breathy "fuck"s, "shit's, "oh god"s and increasingly louder moans. She lifted her other leg around me and dug her nails into my skin. I could feel it building up inside me.

_"Harder, baby, don't stop.."_

God damn it that's all I needed to hear. Our bodies were sliding against each other and she was meeting my thrusts with her fucking beautiful hips.

_"I want you to cum, Cali. God, I want you to cum for me."_

She really, really loved hearing me talk to her. That finished her off, I could feel the wave wash over her body and I couldn't hold it back anymore.. I held her to me tight as I came, still inside her. Our orgasms subsided and her fingers shook gently against my back. My face was buried against her neck and I kissed her salty skin.

_"I am so, so sorry."_

I whispered it against her skin, I didn't have the energy to get up yet. She was running her fingers lovingly through my hair and trying to catch her breath.

_"What are you talking about, baby?"_

I thought about how I could listen to her sweet voice calling me that for the rest of my life.

_"I'm sorry, I didn't pull out.."_

_"No, it's fine. I'm on birth control."_

She laughed at my worrying and I let out the biggest sigh of relief. I rolled off of her, pulling her to my chest. She closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around me, pulling the sheet over our naked bodies. I traced my fingers up and down her spine until I heard her breathing steady and felt her fall asleep. I was out soon after her. But even in my dreams, I couldn't get her out of my head..

I dreamt that it was Christmas time at my parents house. I was watching her from behind, she was hanging decorations on the tree with my sisters. My nieces and nephews were sitting at their feet, shaking the gifts, trying to guess what they were. I could smell my mom's famous Christmas cookies baking in the kitchen. I walked up behind her and placed my hand on the small of her back. She turned around, the biggest smile filling her face. I kissed her on the lips and looked down at her.. She had the smallest bump under her shirt. Barely noticeable. I somehow knew that we hadn't told my family yet, we'd planned on telling them that night. I looked so happy, I felt so full of love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I'm just here to say that if you haven't tried They Yellow Deli and live near one of their locations, you totally should. Please leave any feedback/comments/etc. Next chapter is in the next few days! <3


	9. Spontaneous Human Combustion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Starting this chapter off in Sonny's POV again! Sorry, this is gonna be a filler chapter then next chapter we're probably gonna do a small time jump. Like always, please leave me some comments, kudos are also greatly appreciated.

We woke up late the next morning. Or I did, at least. I was alone in her warm bed but could hear the sink faucet running in the bathroom. She stepped out wearing my shirt from last night, still unbuttoned and a pair of tight, cheeky underwear. She approached the side of the bed and I reached my hand out for her to grab, my face still buried in her pillow.

_"You gonna stay in bed all day?"_

_"I was thinking about it."_

I pulled her back in bed my the arm, dragging the comforter over our heads. The sunlight was still too harsh. 

_"We've got all day, baby, come on. How often do we get to just be lazy?"_

She snaked her arms behind my head and planted small kisses on my neck, I leaned my head back to give her full access. I stroked my fingers up and down her back while she bit me gently.

_"Mm, you're really not gonna get me out of bed doing that.."_

_"Staying here isn't sounding too bad to me."_

My hands slid down her back to her ass. God, her skin was so soft. I pulled her ontop of me as she moved her beautiful lips to mine. She kissed me deep.. It felt like I'd been sucker punched, I was seeing stars even with my eyes closed. She slid my shirt off of her shoulders and dropped it on the floor beside us, it was her bare chest against mine. I was still naked from last night was growing between her legs. I savored the feeling of her sweet tongue against mine, sliding my fingers inside the waistband of her underwear.

_"Take these off, baby."_

She lifted off of me and stepped off the side of the bed, sliding her damp panties down her legs. Jesus, her long, silky legs.. I could see her better in the morning light, unlike last night in the darkness. How could this be happening to me? How could this young, beautiful girl want _me_? My eyes mapped over her body, memorizing the way her waist curved into her hips. She noticed me staring at her gorgeous body. She gave me a sly smirk and I realized that I'd been stroking my cock, ready for her.

_"I was hoping for that sort of response."_

She crawl back over me, my heart was pounding in my chest as I pulled her lips back to mine. She was grinding against me, soaking me. I was moaning into her mouth, gripping and digging my nails into her ass with one hand and holding her close to my chest with the other. I pulled away, gasping for breath.

_""Do you get off on driving me crazy?"_

My voice accidentally sounding a lot more gruff and demanding that I meant for it to. But I saw the light in her eyes change from sleepy and hazy to wide awake and passionate. 

_"Fuck. Yes."_

She reached a hand down, stroking me a few times and rubbing my head against her clit before guiding me into her. Deep, deep into her. I shut my eyes and my head rolled back into the pillows. My hand reached up to cup her breast, rolling her nipple between my fingers. She got comfortable on my lap, adjusting to me being inside of her before slowly starting to move her hips up and down. I knew this was going to be a quick round by the way she was moving. Her rhythm steadied and I could hear her breathing getting harder. Her hands were resting on my chest. I finally opened my eyes and stared at every inch of her body, a shining layer of sweat covering her. She was glowing in the soft morning sun. Her eyes had been closed, but she opened them and looked down at me. She smiled and looked into my eyes as she started speaking, panting hard between words.

_"You have no idea how fucking good this feels, Dom.."_

I held onto her hips hard and held her all the way down on me, grinding my hips up into her. My waist rubbing hard against her sensitive clit.

_"Oh I know, baby. Trust me.. I know."_

I saw her eyes roll back and she let out a loud whine. Seeing her come undone was getting me closer.

_"Oh god.. right there, Sonny!"'_

I felt her tensing up around me, I knew she was cumming. I loosened my grip on her hips and thrusted up into her slowly, watcher her ride the wave.. I couldn't hold back anymore. I was cumming inside her, again. She watched my expressions change, I could feel her gaze even with my eyes closed. I held them closed as my orgasm subsided. She lifted herself off of me and pulled her panties back on. I opened my arms and waited for her to crawl back into them. We fell back asleep together, her bare skin against mine. 

When I woke up next she was rolled over onto her stomach, face down in her tons of pillows. I turned over to her and left kisses all over her back. I felt her stirring.

_"Oh now you wanna wake up?"_

_"You knocked yourself out last time, sweetie, that's on you."_

************ CALI'S POV ************

Sonny had just snaked his arm under my stomach when we heard my front door open and slam closed. Sonny sat up much faster than I could as I was suddenly _very _aware of how naked I was. He had a concerned and confused look on his face until we heard the intruder call out.

_"Mi amor! Wake up, I've been calling your phone all morning!"_

It was Saturday. My days were all running together lately and I'd forgotten that Rafa and I always went to the farmer's market on Saturdays. We barely had time to pull the blanket over us before Rafa let himself into my bedroom. He stopped dead in his tracks and his eyes darted from me to Sonny before he doubled over with laughter. I assumed from embarrasment but as he spoke, I realized it was out of irony.

_"I'm sorry, I shouldn't be laughing. I assume you aren't making it to the market today? I'll show myself out."_

_"Hold on! Wait for me in the living room for a minute, Rafa."_

He closed the door behind him and I pulled on a sweatshirt and running shorts from my closet. I told Sonny to give me a second and jogged out to the living room. Rafa was waiting for me, arms crossed with that shit eating grin on his face. I tried to look content but accidentally let a small smile out before whopping him on the shoulder.

_"I know you're going to anyways but I have to ask. Please don't tell Olivia about this, dude."_

_"Your secret is safe with me, my love. But know, I'll be less forgiving if you forget about our plans next Saturday too."_

_"I'm clear, but also.. I love the pet names, but maybe lay off until we decide what this is gonna be? I don't wanna scare him off, y'know."_

_"If I recall correctly, you were saying the exact opposite last week. Has something changed?"_

_"You already know the answer to that, Rafa."_

_ _

He smiled at me knowingly and showed himself out, I locked the door behind him and entered my bedroom to Sonny standing up and stretching his long body in front of the window. 

_"I am so, so sorry. We usually go to the market on Saturdays and I forgot to tell him that I'm all booked up today."_

_"After that I assume the secret is gonna be out come Monday. Not sure we can play it off this time, boss."_

He sounded upset, I knew it would eventually get to him.. I'd heard rumors around the precinct about Rafa and I as well, the difference was that those were ACTUALLY rumors. Rafa and I were very close friends, closer than most, and that was ALL. 

_"Don't do me like that, Sonny. You think something is going on with me and Barba."_

_"Is there?"_

He approached me and stood close, looking deep into my eyes like he was trying to tell if I was lying or not.

_"No. I'm only interested in one person."_

He let a smile escape and his eyes lightened up.

_"Oh yeah? What sort of interests does that include?"_

I rolled my eyes at him and backed away, turning to walk toward to bathroom.

_"That sounds a lot like a conversation I'd rather have AFTER a shower.. You wanna join me?"_

He nodded his head and followed me. We let our sudsy hands run over each others bodies. He held me against the shower wall and we made out until the water ran cold. We didn't have sex again, it wasn't kissing like that. I couldn't help but to want to just be close to him. I melted every second that I felt his lips anywhere on me or tasted his tongue. It felt like we were making up for lost time.. He dried us both off outside of the shower and I sat in my towel on the edge of the sink, watching him style his hair in the mirror. He'd left a few things over from when we were "engaged" last week.

_"You know, you can leave a toothbrush over here if you want."_

_"I mouth washed, my breath still smell that bad?"_

I laughed and hopped off the counter, dropping my towel. That got his attention, I could feel his eyes following me to my dresser. I pulled on my bra and a pair of leggings over my underwear. My light grey Air Force sweatshirt matched well with his dark grey henley. We left the apartment and stopped for a late breakfast, we were both so tired. I sucked down coffee like my life depended on it. That is, until we were interrupted by a face that took me a moment to remember. It was Lieutenant Scoggins, the detective from my hometown that visited the precinct last week. 

_"Detective Jack! I was hoping I'd run into you, your Lieutenant told me you frequented this place."_

_"Nice to see you again, Sir. Can I help you with something?"_

He motioned at the seat beside me, asking if it was okay for him to sit down. I obliged.

_"Well, the phone number you gave us is reading out of order. I wanted to personally tell you that we have shut down the Church of the Bleeding Heart."_

I didn't even try to hold it back, my teeth showed through the huge smile that crept across my face. My body tingled with excitement, I could've hugged him.

_"I'm sorry, I just got a new phone number! I appreciate you coming all the way out here, that's great news."_

_"I do have one favor to ask of you though, feel free to say no. But we have a lot of kids going through therapy right now as a result of their trauma from the church. It isn't working with some of the older ones, the ones that have been the most effected.. We were hoping to arrange your presense a few times a month to speak to them. Think of it as sort of a.. mentorship, just to show them that they can recover as well."_

Just like that, my smile was gone. My appetite disappeared. 

_"Oh.. I'm apologize, we're really backed up at work, there's no way my Lieutenant would approve any extra time off."_

Sonny spoke up, I knew he meant well.. but I wished that he would've just stayed quiet.

_"Hey, we can talk to Lieu about it. I could pick up a few overtime hours to cover for you."_

Lt. Scoggins thanked Sonny and turned back towards me, waiting for my answer.

_"I just.. can't. I wish I could, but I just don't feel comfortable going back there. I hope you understand."_

_"Don't be sorry! I had to give it a shot. I hope this isn't inappropriate, but I heard about what happened last year. I do hope you're doing better, Jack."_

He stood up and shook our hands before turning to walk away.

_"Would a letter be of any help? If you could email me some information about each of them, I could write them each a letter if you think that might suffice."_

He nodded at me, _"I've got your email, I'll be in touch."_

Our food came out and I barely touched it. Sonny scarfed his down and drank another cup of joe.

_"Did I say something wrong? I'm sorry, I thought I was helping?"_

_"It's not your fault, Dom. He was out of line for asking anyways."_

_"What was he talking about? When he said he heard about what happened last year."_

I didn't respond, I was looking down at my hands and twiddling my thumbs until he grabbed them, causing me to look up at him.

_"I want to understand you, Cal."_

I knew I had to open up eventually. If I wanted whatever this was to turn into something he had to know my past.. my whole past.

_"Have you never wondered how I got transfered directly to SVU so easily? Most people would have to start all over from the bottom of the food chain, work traffic patrol for a few years before making detective at a whole new agency."_

_"You're a damn good detective, I figured they just saw your worth."_

_"Ha, I wish.. My old Chief of Police is close with Dodds. A situation happened last year and he pulled some strings for me.. I just needed to get away."_

_"What kind of situation, Cali?"_

_"A, uh.. hostage situation. Involving my ex and I. I came home from work one night and he was already in a rage. One of my coworkers was his best friend, he'd told him there was a rumor going around about myself and some rookie. He bought it. Blitz attacked me when I walked in, grabbed my gun and pistol whipped me with it. Long story short, he didn't wanna give it up. 12 hours later it ended with ESU storming him and shooting him once in the chest."_

I hadn't told that story since Dodds demanded I let Olivia in on the secret. 10 months ago, but my time here in New York had felt like years. It didn't hurt as bad this time.. All those nights of fever dreams and flash backs might have paid off.

_"Babe, you can't blame yourself for his death. He-"_

_"No, he didn't die, Sonny. That would've been too convenient, right? While he was in surgery, I should've been talking to the department shrink. Instead I was packing my car full of as much as I could. It was my only chance.. I knew that if I was there when he came home, nothing would've changed.."_

Sonny didn't speak, he had a pained look on his face. This is why I didn't tell people, because they looked at me like I was a victim afterwards. All of my training, all the classes on mental illness and deescelation, nothing could've brought Bradley down from that power trip. Not even a fucking bullet.

_"That's why I smashed my phone the other night. He buys burner phones and texts me, always says that it's time for me to come home. I've tried texting back, telling him that I don't want to be with him or that he doesn't own me. But that's not true.. There's a small part of me that he does still own. The part of me that slides a boot knife inside my shoe every day, that doesn't take a subway late at night."_

_"Cal, why didn't you tell me about this sooner? I'm your partner, I could've helped you!"_

He was squeezing my hands now and leaning across the table to me.

_"How, Sonny?! All I can do is ignore him and pray that he gets the point one day, that's it. I didn't just not tell you, I don't tell anyone because I HATE being looked at how you're looking at me right now! I fought him, tried to reason with him for fucking HOURS, I'm not a goddamn victim and I won't be treated like one!"_

_"Come on, you need some air."_

He was right, I could feel my head spinning and my chest tightening. He tossed a couple of bills down on the table and drug me outside by the arm. I leaned against the brick wall around the corner and covered my face with my hands.

_"Please tell me you don't think of me differently now. Even if you don't mean it, just please tell me that.."_

He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and held me. The cold air was doing me good, I felt it filling my lungs and breathing new life into me. 

_"I don't, I could never.. Listen, we could talk to Liv. Ask her if I could go down with you for a few days to make sure nothing gets out of hand. You could talk to those kids, see your folks. It might be good for you, Cal."_

I shook my head before responding. 

_"I don't want to, Sonny. I appreciate the offer, but I don't want my family scaring you away just yet."_

He laughed with his lips against my head. 

_"Nah, I can't be scared off that easy. Come on, let's find some trouble to get into."_

************ SONNY'S POV ************

It was hard holding back the anger and just letting her get it all out. But I knew that she needed it. Before we started down the street my phone buzzed, it was Amanda. I guess we really couldn't get too lucky, I was just lucky they'd held off calling us for this long.

_"Carisi, go. Mhm.. Tonight? Yeah, she's here. Hey Cal, you wanna get drinks with the squad tonight?"_

_"Yeah but tell them I'm getting **drunk **drunk so be prepared."_

_"Yeah, we'll be there! See ya."_

We wasted time for a few hours by watching a shitty movie and people watching at Manhattan Mall. She held onto my arm down the street and I caught one too many guys taking a second look at us, probably wondering why a girl like her was hanging all over an old man. She dragged me into a pet store, I assumed she wanted to look at the kittens and guinea pigs, but she went straight towards the collars.

_"You thinking of getting a dog?"_

_"I already have a dog. I saw online that this place sells matching collars and bracelets for the owners, I wanna get him one for Christmas."_

_"Cal, I've been to your house dozens of times this year.. You definitely don't have a dog."_

She squatted down to look at the bottom shelf. Jesus, her ass in those leggings..

_"He's living with my sister right now. He got hurt during the incident last year and the move would've set him back too far on his therapy. That was the only hard decision about moving here, leaving him behind."_

_"Therapy? That's a lot of commitment for an animal, isn't it?"_

She stood back up with a matching glittery white collar and bracelet set in her hands, the collar was huge.

_"He was my K9 on the job, Dom. Ranked higher than I did. He saved my life more times than I can count."_

I didn't wanna hit a nerve. Seeing some of our K9 Units with their hounds, I knew about the bond they had, most of them loved their dogs more than they loved their own kids.

_"I didn't know, what is he? GSD?"_

_"Belgian Malinois."_

I could see the love in her eyes as she talked about him. She bought the collar/bracelet set and we headed out. It was close to 8 and we stopped by her apartment to take a few "pregame shots", as she called it, before starting towards the bar. I felt a buzz and could tell she did too by the way her face was flushing. I'd only seen her drunk a handful of times over the months, usually after particulary bad days when we'd hit up the bar after getting off of work late. Pete's Tavern wasn't as busy as usual for a Saturday night. We walked in holding hands, the buzz caused us to forget that we were somewhat hiding everything from the squad. We were greeted by the crew; Olivia, Fin, Rollins, Barba and the Legend, John Munch.

(For the sake of this scene having so many narratives, I'm using initials to indicate who is speaking. O-Olivia, F-Fin, R-Rollins, B-Barba, M-Munch, S-Sonny, and C-Cali. Cali and Sonny's dialogue will be on the right, everyone else on the left.)

_C - "Finally! Someone around here that fucking understands me! Please, tell me the Alien Convention was everything my little heart could've dreamed of."_

_M - "You have to come with me next year, Cal! You would've loved the presentation on human combustion."_

She plopped down in the chair across from Munch and held her heart, she was definitely feeling the liquor.

_"Ugh! Dear Diary, today my heart leapt when Scully suggested spontaneous human combustion!"_

_F - "Be careful, Carisi, Mulder here might be trying to snatch your girl with his extraterrestrial pick up lines."_

_M - "Wait, 'your girl'? Am I in a different reality or did something change while I was away?"_

_S - "Hey I thought we were here to catch up with friends, am I wrong? Waitress, can we get two rum and cokes and two shots of Patron Silver, please?"_

_C - "Oh my god, Patron? Ya'll, I swear Risi is trying to turn me into a special victim. He keeps taking me to bars, claiming we're engaged and shit. I wanna make a report!"_

Maybe the liquor was getting to me, too because I couldn't stop laughing at her, along with the rest of the squad. She was going good and threw back the shot that the waitress brought over. 

_R - "Oh yeah? You need us to take you to the hospital for a rape kit, ma'am?"_

_"Nah, that was consensual. Plus he took me out for breakfast this morning, no jury is gonna buy that!"_

It might've taken me a second but everyone else caught that slip up. Rollins' mouth dropped, Liv's eyes got big and Barba burst out laughing. I didn't care anymore whether they knew or not. But they definitely **did **know.

_F - "Oh! There it is! Cat's out of the bag now! Waitress, a round of shots to celebrate the happy couple, please!"_

_O - "For the record, I am not hearing any of this!"_

_R - "That's okay, I heard it all, Liv. I'll brief you on it come Monday."_

_B - "I've got you beat, Rollins, I had the pleasure of walking in on it this morning!"_

I'm pretty sure Munch thought he was actually in an alternate reality the way he was looking at all of us. Fin almost fell out of his chair when Barba let that secret spill.

_S - "Fake news, fake news, you walked in on the aftermath."_

_C - "Jeez, Rafa, just let everyone know our business, will ya.."_

We all toasted and took our shots.

_S - "All right, all right, enough about us. I have good news.. I got a text from my sister today, I'm gonna be an uncle again guys!"_

The crew said their congratulations and I was grinning ear to ear. I ordered another round of shots for the table. That was 6 shots down the hatch, total. Cali had another rum and coke and two more shots before the night was over. I cut myself off after a whiskey on the rocks, someone had to get her home. We shot the shit for a few hours and laughed about our worst nights on the job. We said our goodbye's and Cal hugged Munch tight, I heard him whisper in her ear.

_M - "I'm happy for you, sweetie."_

I knew Munch had taken on somewhat of a father role for her after she moved up here. They'd bonded quickly over conspiracy theories and X-Files references. I had my arm around her on the walk home to keep her steady. She stopped at the stoop of her apartment to sit on the big, concrete railing and smoke a cigarette. She was getting so close to quitting, it was the only one she'd had today. 

_"Am I invited in tonight?"_

The air was brisk but we couldn't feel it. Her eyes were glassy and she was so, so happy.

_"You're always invited in, Dom."_

In the elevator she wrapped her arms behind my back and leaned against my chest. I felt her lips kissing my neck softly, her breath was hot.

_"Nuhuh, you're drunk, baby."_

_"So are you."_

God, her tongue was against my skin, sucking it gently. I didn't want her to stop. She was right, I **was** drunk, but she was much more drunk that I was. Inside her bedroom she pulled off her leggings and bra, leaving on her sweatshirt. She was giving me a fake pouting face, she was hard to resist but adorable. I stroked her face with my thumb and wrapped my hand around her waist, kissing her pouty lips. She tasted like Patron and Coca Cola.

_"Believe me, there's nothing I want more right now.. But it's not right, honey. Get in bed with me?"_

She crawled into bed beside me and I knew she would be out like a light in no time. Her eyes looked so tired.

_"Why are you so good to me, Sonny?"_

_"Because you're important to me, Cal."_


	10. Echo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TIIIIIMMEEE JUMPPPP! We're skipping forward about 3 weeks to November 28th, also known as Thanksgiving this year. This chapter is starting out in Sonny's POV.  
I'm completely making up Sonny's nephew in this one, since the show hasn't followed up on Bella's pregnancy that was announced a few seasons ago.

I was staring at her from behind, one of my hands gripping her hair and the other digging into her waist. Watching hot water roll over her perfectly round, porcelain ass. Her legs were shaking beneath me as she held onto the wall the best she could. Our moans and the sound of our bodies slapping together filled her bathroom behind the clear glass of the shower door. I'd learned over the weeks that she involuntarily giggled toward the end of her orgasms if made her ride it out for as long as possible. She was thrusting her ass back against me as it subsided and she came to her senses. I was so close, so fucking close, when her phone started ringing from the bedroom.

_"Right now? Fuuuckkk, whyyyy?"_

_"I'll call them back, I just want you to cum, baby."_

I squeezed her ass hard below me and shut my eyes, my head rolling back.

_"No babe, you gotta answer that.."_

She tossed her hair over her shoulder and looked back at me, water dripping from her raw lips. Her voice was so sweet, it always was when she was focused on working me over.

_"You really want me to stop?"_

She wasn't actually asking. She was teasing me though, slowing her thrusts and squeezing herself around me. I ground myself into her, all I could do was shake my head and whisper _"No, god no." _The hand I had in her hair wrapped around the front of her chest, pulling her back up to me. I felt her shiver when she heard my moans in her ear.

_"Fuck, I'm gonna cum, Cali..."_

I released deep inside her, our bodies grinding against each other. It was early afternoon and we'd stayed in bed all day before finally giving in and crawling out of bed. We'd been going strong for almost a month now but still hadn't set any definite guidlines for what this was, this "relationship". It didn't really feel like we needed too, we knew where we stood with each other. We got dressed and she sat criss cross on her bed, her long hair wrapped up in a towel and returning the call she missed in the shower. I knew who it was and what it was about. She hung up with an upset, pouty look on her face. She still wasn't happy about her off day request being denied, it was the first Thanksgiving she'd be spending without her family around.

_"Walk-in at the precinct that I have to go talk to. What a perfect way to start my Thanksgiving."_

_"I know, babe. But hey, you still get to spend this evening with my parents, atleast."_

I stood in front of her off of the bed holding her face in my hands, she wrapped her arms around my waist and rested her chin on my stomach, looking up at me.

_"Make sure you tell them I said thank you, by the way. I appreciate them offering to have me."_

_"You can thank my sister for that. I let it slip to her that I'd been kind of seeing someone, she told my Mom who pretty much begged me to invite you over, so."_

_"You better have said nice things about me! I don't want her thinking some young tramp is defiling her beautiful, catholic boy."_

I wanted to bring it up so bad, the status of what we were. My parents were hounding me, the squad was hounding me, and even though it was still early, everything felt _right. _Hell, I hadn't slept at my own apartment in over two weeks. 

_"You know they're gonna ask, right?"_

_"Mhm. What are you gonna tell them?"_

_"Me?? No sweetie, they're gonna ask YOU."_

_"Okay, so what do you want ME to tell them?"_

Back and forth, back and forth. We always did this when the subject came up. But how does a guy my age ask a chick to be his girlfriend? I wanted her to be but it was awkward, and what if she didn't want to put a label on anything? She was young, what if she still wanted to date around? What if labeling it fucked everything up, then what?

_"Risi, you know where I stand, I want what you want. If you want us to be a thing, officially, that's what I want too. If you wanna give it more time, I understand and that's fine with me. I don't want to rush you into anything."_

_"Oh my god you act like I'm the 25 year old and you're the one in your 30's.. Is it gonna fuck things up, Cal? I don't want you thinking I'm trying to tie you down by slapping the term 'girlfriend' on you."_

_"But is that what you want? To call me your girlfriend?"_

I sat down beside her on the bed and played with her fingers, kissing her hands and nodding my head.

_"Yeah, Cal. I think that is what I want."_

She cupped my cheek and smiled, kissing me softly. We fell onto the bed on our sides, facing each other. Just giving each other soft baby kisses. I knew that meant "yes".

_"You mentioned something about tying me up?"_

I raised an eyebrow at her and stood up before she got me started again.

_"Come on, we've gotta get your ass to work."_

I let her take her time on the walk to the precinct, she was gonna kill me for it. She stopped for a bagel and coffee to go and window shopped past a little boutique with winter jackets in the window, saying that her sister would love the dark purple one on display. She stopped outside of the precinct doors, checking her phone. None of her family had so much as texted her all day and it was getting to her hard. 

They hadn't called because they were waiting for her inside the squad room. Olivia knew that she couldn't give Cal the whole day off, but we'd worked together and pull some strings to have her family here with her. Liv knew how hard it was when you're young, especially when you actually have a family to go home to. I stayed behind her, leaning against the doorway as she walked into the room. She was looking down at her phone, not paying attention to the group of people huddled around her desk. Her Mom, Dad, soon-to-be stepmom, sister and most importantly.. Her K9. She finally looked up from her cell phone and her hand immediately covered her mouth. She didn't say anything, but I could see her eyes in a deadlock with Echo. He stood up on all fours, like he'd forgotten all of his training for just a moment. I could see their connection, he sat back down, regaining his composure. She slid her phone into her back pocket and knelt down on one knee before motioning her hands towards herself.

_"Come here, boy!"_

All of his training and selective breeding flew straight out the window. He jumped into her arms and they were a puddle on the floor together. He was rolling around on her lap, licking up the happy tears that were streaming down her cheeks. Her Dad laughed to himself.

_"Well, it's good to see you too!"_

She motioned for Echo to "stop" and "sit" without having to say a word, then got up and hugged her Dad around the neck tight. He spun her around and she exchanged big hugs with everyone else, including Darlene, whom she was meeting for the first time. 

_"How are you all here?? And why didn't ya'll tell me you were coming?"_

Liv chimed in before I could, _"Sonny thought it would be a nice surprise. He spent that last two weeks on the phone with your family and nearly every airline, trying to get a few seats opened up for them."_

But it wasn't the most ideal situation. All of her family members had jobs just as demanding as hers, they were catching their flight back home in just a few hours. Her sister was the one to break the news.

_"Now, we're only here for a few hours. Our flight leaves at 5 and all we've had to eat today is airplane peanuts. Anywhere around here open for a makeshift thanksgiving lunch?"_

I keyed up and told them about a chinese restaurant a few blocks away. She asked them to wait outside for her and thanked Olivia before she left, leaving only the two of us. She had a look of suspicion on her face while approaching me, all I could do was smile though. I thought she was going to speak, but she just wrapped her arms around my shoulders and kissed me deep before pulling me around the corner.

_"You let me take my sweet time the whole way here, didn't try to rush me or get me here sooner..."_

_"Mhm, I couldn't ruin the surprise! I swear, I felt like a balloon about to pop the entire time."_

_"You knew why they were calling me while we showered, didn't even try to stop fucking me.."_

Her voice was low and her eyes got dark, her hand was still on the back of my neck.

_"I distictly remember telling you to answer it. You asked me if I wanted you to stop."_

With my arm around her waist I pulled her closer to me, leaving a little kiss on her lips.

_"I only responded with the truth."_

She gave me another long kiss before pulling away.

_"You don't know how much this means to me, Dom. Really."_

_"Go. Go spend time with your family on Thanksgiving. I'll pick you up here in a few hours."_

I watched her hips rock side to side as she followed her family out the door and down the street.

************ CALI'S POV ************

We got our Chinese food to-go since we had Echo with us, catching two cabs back to my apartment for the sake of saving time. I sat on the couch with Echo below my feet, my sister and Mom sat on the floor around the coffee table and my Dad and Darlene sat beside me. I couldn't believe it, that they were here in New York. They'd never even been to New York before now. Darlene was great, everything that I'd wanted for my Dad these past few years. You know, the "I go to church, but curse a little" type. I told my Mom I didn't want to talk about her relationship or the past, I just wanted to spend time with them today. 

(Once again, using initials to indicate who is speaking due to there being so many characters with dialogue. D - Dad, M - Mom, S - Sister, L - Darlene, Cali's will be on the right.)

_D - "Sonny did a great job pulling all this together, Cal. He seems like he's got a good head on his shoulders."_

_M - "I agree, he's quite a bit older than you though, isn't he?"_

_S - "So? Danny is older than me, look at us!"_

_"Yeah, he's a few years older than I am. But I think I like that, he knows what he wants. You know I'm not looking for someone to play games with anymore."_

_M - "I know, baby. But his clock is probably ticking. You know he's probably looking to settle down soon, get married, have a few kids.."_

_"Mom, after today I would marry him RIGHT NOW if he asked me to. And that's fine with me anyways, but right now we're just taking it day by day."_

_L - "Lord, just don't have a courthouse wedding. My first husband and I did, the photos looked horrible in that fluorescent lighting!"_

_"Ya'll, we only officially started dating today! Please, we only have a few hours together. Can we change the subject?"_

_S - "How about when you're gonna bring Echo up here. He misses you, Cal.. He got cleared to work again. If you don't take him in the next few months you know they're gonna assign him to a new handler."_

The thought of that broke my heart. We'd been together since he was a baby, since I had just came home from deployment. But I knew that my lifestyle up here wasn't a good fit for him.

_S - "Seriously, I come home from the pharmacy every day and he won't stop hitting me and then expecting a treat!"_

I smiled down at Echo and patted my lap, he jumped up in it and rolled over on me belly up. I scratched and spoke to him.

_"Yes, that's because he's a good, good boy! And he's so great at his job, and smart, and so handsome!"_

_D - "He really does need to be working, Cal. He's too good of a K9 to just waste away as a lap dog."_

_"I know, Dad. Listen, I'll talk to Dodds about us adding a K9 to SVU. But I can't bring him down here otherwise. As much as I hate it, it wouldn't be fair to him.."_

_D - "Yeah, well, don't go catchin' 'baby fever' just because your first baby isn't here with you. I'm too young to be a Pop."_

_S - "Oh, please! You'd definitely be a Papaw, not a Pop!"_

_"Oh my god I've been on birth control for 10 freaking years, I probably can't even have kids by now!"_

_M - "Hey, don't jinx yourself. You know I was on Depo when we got pregnant with Maddie."_

_D - "Yeah, she SAYS she was on birth control."_

Darlene smacked Dad on the shoulder and I couldn't help but laugh at the new dynamic of my family. I was so happy that everyone could get alone, despite everything that had happened during the divorce. This wasn't the type of family that I'd grown up with, or the type that I invision for myself in the future, but it was still my family. We spent the next few hours catching up, they updated me on family members that I hadn't had the time to keep up with and asked me a few more questions about Sonny, which I tried my best to avoid. It wasn't that I didn't want to talk about _us_, I just didn't want to get my hopes up about the future this early. I didn't want to end up too terribly upset if things didn't work out. I hailed my family a cab and hugged Echo like my life depended on it. Maddie and I shared a few tears, it was never easy leaving her. Not when I left for basic training, for deployment, for New York and not now. But I knew that I would see them for Christmas next month, what's a few weeks anyways. I picked up a bouquet of Poinsettias on my way back to the precinct where I was meeting Sonny, I wanted to make a good first impression on his mom. He was already there, standing by the car when I turned the corner. He grinned and opened the passenger side door for me before hopping in the driver's seat.

_"Flowers? For me? You shouldn't have, babe."_

I laughed and met him halfway for a quick kiss.

_"Yeah right, these are for your mom. And I'm not letting you take the credit, this was all me!"_

_"She'll love them. How was your family?"_

_"Good, good. They started planning our wedding and naming our children, so, there's that."_

_"We've somehow gotten engaged twice in the past month and I haven't had to propose a single time. Just let them know I plan on wearing a charcoal grey Armani suit and a pair of custom made shoes from Paretto's on E 84th."_

_"Hell. No. If it's up to them we'll be getting married on a farm down in Tennessee in the middle of summer. I'd be sweating like a whore in church."_

He gave me a cocky look and squeezed my thigh before pulling into the road.

_"It'll be easier to slide you out of your wedding dress, at least."_

_"Don't start, Dom. Today we're both virgins and I don't have any tattoos, remember?"_

_"Bella and Tommy already broke the whole 'no sex before marriage' rule by getting pregnant, twice, so I think we're good."_

I propped my feet up on the dashboard like I always did during our car rides. It wasn't a terribly long ride, but I zoned out watching the other cars pass by us. Already missing my family and Echo.

_"What did they name them?"_

_"Hm, what?"_

_"Our kids, you said they were naming them."_

_"Oh, a bunch of names that I told them we're on the table. They named me fucking Calico, so they don't exactly have the best taste."_

He laughed at me and squeezed my hand. We were there in no time, pulling up to a huge house on Staten Island. Much, much bigger than the house I grew up in. We held hands walking into the house, Sonny just let himself in, just like he does at my apartment, before yelling out.

_"Ma! Pop! I'm home!"_

The tiniest voice and pitter patter of footsteps came running down the hallway, it was a little boy with big blue eyes and blonde hair. Oddly, he looked a lot like how I imagined Sonny did as a child.

_"Uncle Sonny! Uncle Sonny!"_

Sonny leaned down and held his arms out, the little boy jumped into them and Sonny spun him around and threw him in the air.

_"Frankie! How's my favorite nephew??"_

_"I'm your ONLY nephew, Uncle Sonny!"_

_"Yeah, for now. I heard you're gonna be a big brother in a few months. You excited?"_

_"Only if it's a brother, I don't like girls!"_

_"Oh yeah, me neither!"_

Sonny carried the little boy into the kitchen where his sisters, niece and mom were crowded around the island, his dad and Tommy were watching the football game on a TV mounted in the corner.

_"Ma, I found a stray, can we keep him?"_

They hadn't even noticed that we'd walked in until then, all of their heads shot up from the dishes they were making and they circled the counter. They pulled us in individually for hugs and kisses on the cheeks. I'd never even met these women before and they were showing me so much love. I heard their chatter and recognized the same thick Staten Island accent that Sonny had. His mom made it appoint to comment on mine, saying that I sounded like I was straight out of the movie _Sweet Home Alabama._

_"Close, southeast Tennessee! Right near the Georgia/Alabama border."_

I think they spoke to me more than they did Sonny during dinner, asking me questions about anything that they could. My family, Tennessee, the Air Force, where I saw myself in the next 5 years, if I saw a future with their, sweet, sweet boy, if I'd be willing to convert to Catholicism, etc. The questions were overwhelming and I looked at Sonny with a "help me" expression on my face.

_"Ma, please! You're gonna scare her off! We only just started dating, we aren't worried about all that stuff right now."_

_"Fine, fine! It's not every day that my only son brings home a girl that he's talked so dearly about!"_

Bella chimed in, she'd nudged Sonny on the arm like she was telling him "watch this", preparing to poke the bear that was her mother.

_"I don't know, Ma, I think this new baby needs a cousin to grow up with. You guys should really get to working on that!"_

Sonny's face flushed and went down to his hand, holding back a smile. The look on his mom's face was priceless but she wasn't having it.

_"Oh no, not my baby boy!"_

Bella didn't try to control her laughter, _"He's almost 40, Ma! You really think he still hasn't shacked up with a **single **girl yet??"_

Sonny saw the attention turning to him as our cue to make our way out the door. He dropped his napkin on his plate and placed both hands on the table.

_"I gotta say, this has been fantastic, but it's getting late."_

************ SONNY'S POV ************

I decided it was time to dip out before they started asking _me _questions, too. Bella and I were standing by the doorway watching Mom pretend to say bye to Cal. It was her trick, she'd act like she was saying goodbye but kept the conversation going until you had to pretty much walk out the door and close it in her face. I was smiling, she really didn't mind the persistence from my mother.

_"Things are going good between you two, huh?"_

_"Yeah, I think so. It's early, but I really think I got it right this time, Bells."_

_"I think so, too. I like her, she seems sweet."_

I hugged her one last time before pulling Cali out of my mother's grasp. She yelled out the door for us to be safe and not be strangers. We always took turns on who drove so she lifted herself up into the driver's seat this time and we got going.

_"I guess I should've warned you about how.. abrasive.. my mom can be."_

_"No, no, she's just making sure her boy is in good hands. You can't blame her." _

She shrugged it off and I looked at her in awe. I was happy that my family approved of her. I'd brought home a girl or two over the years that had left a sour taste in their mouths, they'd been picky about the ones they embraced ever since.

_"Plus, it's gonna be MUCH worse when you finally meet my family."_

_"Nah, they seemed nice when I talked to them today!"_

_"No, Sonny, my whole family. It's huge. They all love to get divorced and love makin' babies, so."_

_"Yeah? What'd ya say we practice the baby making part when we get home, hm?"_

I slid my hand to her inner thigh and squeezed, leaning over in my seat to kiss her neck.

_"Oh my god, stop! I'm gonna be pissed if all this baby talk jinxes us. I'm about to start making you wear a condom AND pull out!"_

I held my hands up in a surrendering move and laughed at her paranoia.

_"All right that's a threat I'm gonna choose to take seriously. Hey, can we stop by my place? I wanna grab a pair of jeans I've been looking for."_

_"Sonny I don't even think you have any clothes left at your apartment, you're just paying rent there."_

_"Okay, I see how it is. I can always spend a few days at my place, y'know. You can have your big, cold bed all to yourself.. Won't have anyone there to scratch your back until you fall asleep or make you delicious Italian food.."_

_"Now who's the one throwing around threats? I'm just saying, you haven't been home in over two weeks."_

_"Mhm, well you know my lease is up in a few months, maybe if things are going good.."_

I slid my fingers between hers, her right arm was resting on the middle console between us.

_"Hopefully this isn't too forward, you're free to move in whenever you want, Dom."_

I leaned over and kissed her on her head, we were getting closer to her place. Closer to _home._

_"I'm gonna hold you to that."_


	11. Harriman State Park

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys, less fluff in this chapter. But finally, some detective work! This chapter takes place halfway between Thanksgiving and Christmas. The majority, if not all, of this chapter will be in your/Cali's POV. Any scenes involving dialogue from 3 or more people will include an initial beside their name to indicate who is speaking.  
Example : C - Cali, S - Sonny, O - Olivia, etc

Two weeks had passed since I'd met Sonny's family at Thanksgiving. My apartment had been filled with nothing but love and laughter and holiday joy. Sonny had even gotten into the Christmas spirit with me and decorated the house, we were waiting to put up the tree until after we wrapped up an ongoing Amber Alert case. Familial kidnapping, like usual. But with it involving a child so young, so close to the holidays, Amanda and Liv were visibly affected. Sonny and I were taking the lead, staying late at the precinct and driving around at all hours of the night to look for the white Toyota Camry that the father was supposedly driving. Sometimes we got cabin fever and brought all of our files home with us to spread out on the living room floor. It had been a long time abuse case and the husband, Ron Raitz, was a fucking sociopath. The wife had eventually asked him to leave, threatening to never let him see their son again if he didn't comply. He responded by shooting their dog and strangling his wife before abducting their 4 year old son. Luckily, his grip on her throat wasn't as tight as he'd thought. But this guy had ties to everywhere; New York, Colorado, Washington, Utah, even Great Britain. It felt like we were at a dead end.

I was a Friday night and the squad was at my apartment, pretty much _our _apartment by now. We'd ordered pizza and the rest of the crew were looking at Munch and I like we needed a psych eval while explaining to them the possibility of gravitational waves leaving rips in the space time continuum. Sonny stepped down the hall for a phone call, but we could all hear him from the other room. 

_"WHAT?? Okay don't take a damn EYE off of him, we'll be there in 10! Put him in an interrogation room!"_

Sonny raced down the hallway and pulled on his coat, tossing me mine.

_"Raitz was picked up on a traffic stop headed back from Harriman State Park, no kid in the car but an empty car seat in the back. We gotta go, Cal!"_

_"Harriman? Are the park rangers canvassing yet??"_

_"Yeah, they've set up a perimeter but Raitz isn't talkin' and that park is huge."_

All of the squad jumped to their feet and prepared to leave, Liv chimed in, _"Amanda, Fin, and Munch take a car up to Sloatsburg, run lights and sirens the whole way if you have to. Barba and I will follow you two to the precinct."_

Sonny and I were already out the door by the time they were putting their shoes and jackets on.

_"Barba lock up for me, we'll see ya'll down there!"_

We took my Outback to the precinct, Sonny was driving faster than I thought my car could even handle. We looked at Raitz through the two way mirror while the officer briefed us on what they knew so far, which was very little. He wasn't bothered one bit. He didn't have a single drop of sweat on his brow or a hint of concern on his face. CSU hadn't found any signs of foul play so far in the car, but they did find soiled child's clothing and the wrappers of junk food. I thanked the officer and told him we'd take it from here, to contact the park rangers and have them send out an alert for civilian search crews. 

_"You think good cop/bad cop is gonna work with this one?"_

_"Probably not, being his friend isn't gonna work either."_

Sonny opened the door and let me in ahead of him, slamming it hard behind him.

_"Hi, Ronald. I'm Detective Jack, this is Detective Carisi. You need anything before we get started?"_

_R - "I'd rather just get started if that's okay with you."_

_S - "So, the night you attacked your wife. Do you want to tell us what happened leading up to that incident?"_

_R - "You've already heard my wife's narrative. What she says happened is exactly so. She was trying to leave me, I wasn't going to have that."_

_C - "So she threatened to take away your son, and that caused you to fly into a rage. Is that correct?"_

_R - "No. I couldn't care less about the little bastard, never really wanted kids to begin with. But she got that look in her eye a few years ago.. The same look she had the day it all boiled down, like she thought she could leave. I started poking holes in our condoms, replacing her birth control with iron pills. She came to her senses when she fell pregnant, decided we could 'work things out'."_

He had a pleased smirk on his face. It reminded me a bit of Hannible Lector from Silence of the Lambs. He turned his attention towards Sonny.

_R - "You really should start doing that with this one. Women like her and my wife, you've gotta hold onto them. Or else they'll wander away the second they get that look in their eye."_

Sonny glared at him, resisting his bait.

_S - "So why did you take Hudson then, Raitz?"_

_R - "Why, to hurt my wife. I suppose I could've just killed her, crushed her throat until I could no longer feel the heartbeat in her carotid artery. But what would the point in that be? I wanted her to wake up, expecting it all to have been a dream.. And then feel her world crashing all over again when she say that I'd taken the only thing she truly loves."_

Sonny and I were silent for a moment. There was no inflection in Raitz's voice, we couldn't read him. He wasn't trying to charmed us or make excuses, he knew what he was in for and was perfectly content with it.

_C - "Did you kill your son, sir?"_

_R - "Sir, I like that.. My wife quit calling me that a long, long time ago."_

I saw Sonny's jaw clench.

_R - "But no, I didn't."_

_S - "Where. Is. He."_

His voice was deep and rough, like he was about to reach over the table and have a go at him.

_R - "Somewhere alone. Probably very cold.. and very scared by now."_

Sonny did it. He reached across the table faster than I could stop him and grabbed Raitz by the collar of his shirt, pulling his face close to his.

_S - "I am gonna bury you if you don't spill it, you understand that?"_

_R - "Not before you bury my son if you don't find him soon. I'm done talking now, I'd like my attorney."_

I pulled him out of the interrogation room, Liv and Barba were on the other side. They'd been watching most of the conversation. 

_O - "He's not gonna give us anything, he doesn't care if his son lives or dies as long as his wife suffers."_

_S - "He would've cracked eventually if I coulda spent a couple minutes alone with him.."_

_C - "Have you heard from the others or the rangers? The crew should be getting there about now if they ran emergency the whole way."_

_O - "They haven't located the boy yet, but they've got dogs on the ground. They keep picking up scents and then losing the trail, hitting dead ends."_

_B - "It could take them days, weeks, to search every square inch of that forest."_

_S - "God, it's supposed to be close to freezing tonight. I'm just praying he atleast left Hudson with a winter jacket."_

Sonny did a Hail Mary across his chest and Rafa excused himself for the night. He'd have to be up early for Raitz' arraignment. 

_C - "All right, we'll take Raitz to holding. He can wait to call his lawyer until then."_

_O - "When you're done with that I want the both of you on your way to Southfields. Get a motel room, it'll be late by the time you get there and I want you to join the search crews in the morning."_

_C - "Just throwing it out there, Echo and I were part of our search and rescue crew down in Tennessee. He still holds the highest record of live rescues in the county."_

I'd been throwing out hints to Olivia and Dodds the past few weeks about letting Echo join SVU. He would be a huge help, considering he was trained in narcotic sniffs, search & rescues, and apprehension. 

_O - "You already know Dodds' stance on that. K9's are reserved for patrol officers and ESU only."_

Sonny rubbed my back and gripped the door handle.

_"Sorry, doll. Come on."_

We told Olivia to stay in the city tomorrow. She needed to be close to her son when things like this were happening, plus she could be there if Raitz decided he wanted to talk. We finger printed, photographed and threw him into his holding cell before taking off. It was only an hour and a half drive to Southfields, but it was late when we got there. The stress of the past week was getting to us. We stepped inside the room and Sonny dropped his bag, wrapping his arms around my shoulders and pulling me in tight. He buried his face in my hair, breathing it in deep. I hugged him back for what felt like forever.

_"We're okay, right babe?"_

_"Is this about what Raitz said? I'm not goin' anywhere, Sonny. I swear."_

_"I'm just making sure we're on the same page. If you ever start feeling different, talk to me. Don't keep me in the dark just to spare my feelings."_

I wrapped my arms around his waist and leaned my head against his chest.

_"You're stuck with me for the long haul, babe. Sorry to break it to ya."_

He let out a deep sigh of relief and kissed my head.

_"Sounds good to me."_

We slept hard that night knowing that we were so close to finishing this case. Raitz didn't have a foreseeable way out of this, no matter which was his lawyer spun it. All we had to do was find Hudson before it was too late.

We woke up early the next morning and sucked down two cups of shitty motel coffee before starting towards to park. The forest was filled with dense, thick fog this time of year. Park Rangers, S&R crews, tracker dogs and civilians had been searching the grounds all night with no luck. Some of them stayed to help into the early morning hours, but many of them left to get some sleep. New crews replaced them and we started into the woods. We were required to search in pairs, the denseness of morning fog made it impossible to see even two feet in front of our faces. Sonny and I searched together for what felt like all day, when we finally emerged from the thick greenery it had only been 5 hours. 5 hours with dozens of people searching, and nothing to show for it. I was frustrated. Frustrated with the lack of resources this precinct had, the terrain that made it hard to make sure we weren’t missing him and even frustrated at their fucking search dogs. The support crew outside of the woods were handing out sandwiches, bottles of water and coffee to keep us warm. I sat in my car to smoke for a minute while Sonny spoke to the incident commander. I searched through my glove box for a lighter, through tons of papers and Taco Bell sauce packets I should’ve thrown away years ago. I was getting more and more pissed until I ran across an old pill bottle. It was a prescription for Percocet, from back when I had my wisdom teeth removed. I stuck the last two pills from the bottle in my pocket and joined Sonny and the incident commander, who’d also been joined by a K-9 unit.

_“Good lookin’ K-9’s, are they just search and rescue or are they narc sniff and apprehension as well?”_

_“The whole 9, ma’am. Best hell hounds in the state!”_

_“Hm. Crazy how he’s not cueing you right now.”_

I stood in front of the man with my hands behind my back and an “over it” look on my face. Fin snapped his head my direction while the dog’s handler stood confused.

_“I’m sorry, I don’t follow.”_

I pulled the two pills out of my pocket and held them out in my hand. Just over the dog’s nose, he still didn’t cue his handler. I turned my attention to Fin.

_“This is Percocet. Don’t worry, I have a prescription. Any well trained sniff dog would’ve either been digging at my pocket the second I walked over or been cueing his handler by now. I want my fucking dog here, Fin.”_

Fin’s face lit up and for a moment I thought he was actually going to blow smoke out of his ears. Amanda stood arms crossed with her mouth wide open. Sonny’s brows raised high, not sure if he should say anything at all.

_“WE’VE GOT A MISSING FOUR YEAR OLD WANDERING AROUND THE WOODS IN THE MIDDLE OF WINTER AND YA’LL ARE SUPPLYING US WITH DEFECTIVE SEARCH DOGS?!”_

The handler and the commander looked stunned, they didn’t say a word. 

_“Cali get your damn dog here, I’ll call Liv and Dodds!”_

Fin stormed away and I pulled my phone out, dialing my Chief from Tennessee and then my sister. There was a direct flight leaving from Chattanooga to LaGuardia in 45 minutes and he was gonna be on it. A two hour flight, plus 40 minute escort to Southfields would put him here by 3 o’clock. We could’ve had this kid found before dark last night if it weren’t for these negligent assholes. We took about an hour break to eat our sandwiches and rehydrate, about to head back into the brush when Fin’s phone rang. It was Olivia. 

_“Shoot._ _Wait, huh? What are you talkin’ about?? _ _Do we have a description of the vehicle? How long he’s been gone, anything? _ _Alright, I’ll brief the commander here.”_

Fin’s hands rubbed his temples as he exited the wood line headed back towards the meeting point. 

_“Raitz was granted bail and posted it this morning. They just found his wife dead and her car stolen. Possibly spotted on traffic cams headed this way.”_

Amanda spoke up, _“What’s the time delay on that, Sarg?”_

_“At least an hour and a half. We’re gonna have to pull the civilian crews out of the perimeter in case he decides to come back.”_

It was Sonny’s turn to be frustrated now, _“Great. We’ve got a quarter of the eyes we had and a single search dog. I think this is gonna end up being a recovery, not a rescue, guys.”_

His lips were pursed and I could see his pained expression. 

_“You go in with them, I’m gonna help the relief crew while I wait for Echo. He’ll be here soon.”_

He kissed my forehead and started in behind Amanda. 

_“You radio for me before going into these damn woods, Cal. Echo or not, I’m serious.”_

_“Got it, boss.”_

Fin and I staked out by the road, directing all of the civilian search crews out and stopping any hikers or anyone else from entering. Until we saw an NYPD K-9 UNIT SUV racing down the deserted roadway. My boy jumped out, bright eyed and bushy tailed. He knew what he was here for and he was more than ready to go. I kneeled down to his level with a shirt of Hudson’s that was found in the back of Raitz’ car. 

_“I know you’re ready for this, bud. Let’s find him, okay?”_

I lifted the shirt to his snout and he sniffed the scent in deep. He stood from his sitting position and nudged my leg with his nose, it’s how he told me he was tracking a scent. My heart swelled with pride watching him do his job again, and doing it damn good like always. I let him roam off leash, it’s how he was most comfortable. I followed him deep, deep into the woods for close to an hour. Over fallen branches, behind trees that were so big I couldn’t even fit my arms halfway around them. He started getting antsy, trying to bolt in the direction of the trail. 

_“Just this once. But don’t get too far ahead of me. Go!”_

His tongue was sticking out and it looked as if he were smiling when he heard my command. That bullet to the hip a year and a half ago hadn’t held him back one bit, he was just as determined as I was. I sprinted behind Echo, nowhere close to catching up to him. I’d lost visual and slowed my pace as to not tire myself out. Within two minutes, I heard him. He was howling, letting me know where he was. My heart raced with anticipation. It took me 10 minutes to get where he’d ran in a fraction of that time. He was behind a giant oak tree that had a deep bend in the base. A bend just big enough for a 4 year old boy to crawl inside to take cover for the night. 

And that was the final blow to my heart that made me leap with joy. I saw Echo curled around Hudson, lapping at his face and trying to keep him warm. I could tell he was severely dehydrated and frostbite was starting to set it. I reached down and pulled the boy out of the tree, wrapping my arms around him. 

_“It’s okay, sweetie. I’ve got you, you’re gonna be okay.”_

I grabbed my radio and brought it to my lips. 

_“1292 Portable to base, my K9 has located the child. He needs a medic bad. I’m heading back towards the southeast quadrant of the park, have them meet me halfway.”_

All of a sudden, the fur down the center of Echo’s back raised. He was standing in front of me, like he was guarding us. His neck sloped down and his teeth showed as he growled low. He was staring straight into the brush. I whistled for my dog, he turned his attention toward me but my gaze never left the bushes. I stood Hudson up in front of me.

_“Listen to me buddy, okay? I’m a police officer, this is my police dog. His name is Echo. Do you understand?”_

_“Yes ma’am.”_

His little voice was so, so weak.

_“Now I know you’re tired. But you’ve been so strong all day and all night. I need you to be strong for just a few more minutes for me, do you think you can do that, sweetie?”_

He nodded his face up and down. I held his hands in mine and breathed warm air onto them. 

_“I’m gonna put you on Echo’s back and you have to hold on so tight. As tight as you can. No matter how tight you hold his neck, I promise you won’t hurt him. He’s gonna take you to my friends. They’re gonna help you and they’re gonna keep you safe. Do you think you can do that for me, Hudson?”_

_“Yes ma’am, I can try.”_

I picked up the little boy and placed him on Echo’s back, laying his chest against my dog’s spine. He wrapped his little arms around his neck and his legs around his body tight. Tighter than I’d expected him to be able to. I turned to Echo and scratched his head. 

_“You come straight. back. here.”_

I stood up beside him and pointed the direction he needed to go before commanding him. 

_“Retreat.”_

He took off. He’d be there in no time and hopefully understood when I said to come back for me. I raised my portable again to my mouth. 

_“1292 Portable to base. I’ve sent the child back with my K9. I think I’ve found Raitz.”_

I could hear rustling behind the bushes, he was getting closer. I was almost hoping it was a bear or a mountain lion instead. I heard Sonny’s voice growl over the radio. 

_“Cali. Where. Are. You.”_

_“About 4 miles west of command, just off the trail.”_

Then he emerged. A terrifying smile on his face and looking me dead in the eyes. 

_“Contact is being made.”_

I heard Sonny’s voice again. He sounded frantic, he was running. 

_“Get out of there, Cal! NOW!”_

I hooked my portable back on my belt loop, never breaking eye contact with Raitz. He spoke.

_“You can try to run, Detective. But I will catch you long before they do.”_

My hand went to my gun in my waistband. It was a staring competition for the longest minutes of my entire life. He was just feet from me, I don’t think he blinked once. I hadn’t yet drawn my gun when he lunged at me. I had enough time to pull it, but fell short on cocking it in time. He knocked it out of my hand, into the brush beside us. We ended up in a twisted struggle amongst the dead leaves and branches on the forest floor. And as much as I hate to admit it.. he was overpowering me. He was running on pure mental instability and adrenaline. I was running on a few hours of sleep, coffee and a turkey sandwich. He crawled on top of me, pushing me hard into the dirt and sitting on my chest. His legs holding my arms down. 

_“What are you gonna do now, Detective?”_

He was smiling down at me.. I was able to hold down my mic on the radio that was attached to my pants, letting out the loudest, most blood curdling scream I ever have. 

_“HELLLPP! MMEEE! PLEEEASSEEE!”_

Just as soon as I got it out, his hands were around my throat. I couldn’t scream, I tried so hard to struggle beneath him but he was too strong. I struggled to breathe air into my lungs, it wasn’t working. I closed my eyes and gripped the loose leaves below me.

_“Open your fucking eyes! I want to see the light leave them.”_

My chest felt like it was on fire. I opened my eyes for just a few moments before my vision started blurring. Everything faded to black...

************ SONNY’S POV ************

My heart sank into the pit of my stomach when I heard her scream. Not in a good way. Not like when she was running her hands through my hair, or when she tugged on my neck with her teeth. Like it had just shattered into a million tiny pieces. Amanda and I were running as fast as we could in her direction. Finally hitting the trail that we knew would lead us to her. Time felt so. fucking. slow. I knew that I was running faster than I ever had, but I also knew it wasn’t fast enough. Amanda was lagging behind me when I heard her yell,  _“Carisi! He’s coming your way!”_

_“What??”_

And just like that, I saw Echo sprint past me. Faster than I could’ve imagined. He left us in a trail of dusk and we heard him barking and snarling ahead of us. When we finally caught up to him he was on top of Raitz, snapping at his throat and chest. He was covered in blood. My eyes gravitated toward Cali, who was sprawled out on the forest floor. I could see the bruises forming on her neck, they made the perfect fingerprint shapes on her skin. I rushed to her side as Amanda drew her gun and pulled Echo off of Raitz by the collar, slapping the cuffs on him tight. I scooped Cal up into my arms, falling to my knees. I pressed my fingers hard to her carotid artery and let out a sigh of relief. She had a pulse. I squeezed the button on my portable. 

_“0188 Portable to base. We need two buses waiting for us at the southeast quadrant. Officer down with possible airway trauma, suspect with lacerations to the throat. Have the medics meet us on the trail.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you guys liked this chapter, I had a really, really fun time writing it! Please, leave any comments, reviews, criticism or suggestions below. I’m going to slow down on the updating, probably close to 1-2 times a week and hopefully each chapter will just be a little bit longer.  
Also, I accidentally progressed this time line faster than I feel like I want to now. I want to have a Christmas chapter right around the upcoming Christmas season. Would you guys prefer for the timeline to slow down until then or speed up and be set a year in the future? Let me know in the comments, please! I hope you all are enjoying this. 💚💚


	12. Ole Smokey Moonshine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny gets a taste of some Ole Smokey Moonshine, and a nice big dose of your family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somewhat a filler chapter. Please, leave any comments, suggestions, thoughts, etc in the comments. They are greatly appreciated. (:

_ “It doesn’t look like she has any excessive damage to her tissue or esophagus. She’s gonna be sore for a few days. Have her refrain from speaking as much as possible, green tea may help with the swelling. Judging from the bruises, he was mainly just closing off her airway, not any main arteries. Still, keep an eye out for any changes in mood or severe migraines. She’s free to go though.” _

_ “Thank you, guys. I appreciate it.” _

Walking back toward the EMS I saw Cali sitting on the tailgate, cloaked in a rescue blanket. Echo was guarding her feet, Holden was curled into her arms and holding on for dear life. I sat beside her on the bumper. 

_ “How’s he doing?” _

_ “Physically, he’ll probably be okay. Mentally..” _

She just shook her head and held onto the back of his. 

One of the medics approached, _“Holden, are you ready to go on a little ride?”_

_ “Can she come with me?” _

I spoke before she could. Partially because she wasn’t supposed to be anyways, but also because I knew she would try to ride with him. 

_ “She’s gotta go home and rest, buddy. But I promise, we’ll come see you in the morning. Sound good?” _

_ “Can he come, too?” _

His tiny hand was tinted blue as he pointed at Echo. Cali smiled at him sweetly and responded.

_ “Yeah, sweetie, Echo will be there too. But you have to be good for the doctors, deal?” _

_ “Deal!” _

The medics scooped Holden from her arms and she gave back the blanket that was keeping her warm. We watched them drive away, running hot to Mercy General. She was covered in dirt, still pulling leaves from her hair when I pulled her to my chest hard. 

_ “Why didn’t you wait for me, Cal?” _

Her voice was hoarse and broken. 

_ “I knew that he would protect me, I’m so sorry.” _

She hugged me back tight. Echo pawed at her legs, whining. He’d done his job, he expected to be rewarded. I motioned at a member of the relief crew.

_ “Toss me a sandwich, will ya?” _

They tossed me a turkey sandwich in a plastic bag, I pulled it apart in chunks to feed Echo. Seeing his muzzle still covered in Raitz’ blood honestly gave me a little bit of satisfaction.

_“Did Echo do too much damage on him?”_

_ “Not enough, if you ask me. He’ll have a few stitches but he’ll be able to stand trial. Munch and Amanda are riding with the EMS to Mercy.” _

Fin made his way over from the incident command tent, his frustrated expression from earlier had softened into a friendly smile.

_ “You did good, Cal. Even if you did almost get yourself killed.. again. You two take the rest of the day off, I’m gonna let Liv know what’s up and face the camera crews.” _

_ “Mention Echo, make sure they know who actually saved Holden.” _

Fin nodded and started towards the crowd of reporters. I helped her into the car and opened the back hatch for her K9. She slept the whole ride home, squeezing my hand in hers. It was hard not to look over at her. My mind kept telling me to make sure she was still breathing, but seeing the dark blue bruising on her throat made it hard.. I couldn’t help but to feel responsible. I should’ve waited with her before going in, should’ve gotten to her sooner, should’ve found Raitz first. 

She stirred as we pulled into the parking garage, leading Echo into the apartment while I carried our bags and files. We didn’t talk much, I didn’t know how to talk to her.. how do you apologize for something like that? For nearly getting someone you care about killed?

I heard the water running from the kitchen, she was drawing a bath. I was standing at the sink when I felt her hands slide around my torso, her cheek resting on my back. 

_ “Will you take a bath with me?” _

I slid around in her arms and held her face in my hands, nodding at her. 

She led me by the hand into the bathroom and started undressing. I watched her slip off every article of clothing intensely. Her hands were cut up from the sticks and rocks on the forest floor. The bruises on her throat were still darkening. It killed me to see her like this.. beat up and bruised. I sat down in the steaming hot water and she lowered herself into my lap. 

_ “I know that I fucked up, Sonny...” _

My arms were around her waist, our hands intertwined in her lap. My head leaned back against the cold tile on the wall, a sharp contrast from the warm water. We were submerged chest deep in her big garden tub.

_ “You didn’t fuck up, babe. You were doing your job, like always.” _

I hadn’t even opened my eyes before she pulled away, turning her body around to face me in the tub. 

_ “Then WHY are you giving me the cold shoulder?! I saved that kid’s life, and you haven’t said two words to me since we got in the car!” _

Wait.. she thought **I** was mad at **HER**? 

I sat up in the tub and grabbed her face with both hands, she winced.

_ “Because I thought I’d fucking lost you, Cal. I thought I’d lost you, and it would’ve been my own damn fault.” _

_ “What are you-“ _

_ “I should’ve waited with you. I should’ve known that you were gonna go in alone. I fucked up and you had to pay for it.” _

I knew how my face looked, it probably showed how pissed I was. But I was pissed at myself, not her. She was just being a fucking great detective like she always was. 

Big tears welled up in her eyes, it was finally getting to her. The fact that she was minutes, if not seconds away from losing her life out in those woods. 

I pulled her to me tighter than ever and felt her tears hitting my shoulder. We laid back in the bath together, I scooped water over her exposed shoulder while she sobbed. Cooing the occasional _“Shhhh”_ and _“It’s gonna be okay”_ until it calmed her. 

_ “I promise, I’m gonna take it easy at work for a little bit. I think I’ve had my fill for this first year.” _

I laughed at her because I knew her insatiable ambition would never allow that. 

_ “You’re lyin’ sweetie, but I appreciate the effort.” _

She crawled onto my lap facing me, her cheeks were pink from the tears. They matched the wet skin of her arms and chest, that’d turned rosy from the hot water. 

_ “I haven’t looked at myself in the mirror yet. Is it bad?” _

_ “Could be.. worse..” _

Now I was the one lying and she could see right through me. She sighed hard and lifted her arms onto my shoulders. 

_ “Well, guess I’m wearing a scarf to work all week.” _

I was watching the warm water roll off her shoulders, down her chest. Even bruised up she looked beautiful. She noticed me staring and glided her hands behind my head, playing with the hair at the nape of my neck. I saw that look, the one where her eyes darken a shade. The one that she knew controlled me.

_ “You scared to touch me? I’m not made of glass, you know.” _

_ “I think you’ve more than proven that the past few months.” _

She leaned down a kissed my chest.. trailing kisses and laps of her tongue up to my ear before whispering, 

_ “Then touch me, Sonny..” _

My hands were like magnets on her skin. One wrapping around her waist, the other sliding down the small of her back and over her ass.. Her lips slipped against mine and our tongues found each other slowly. 

All of the emotion from today, the guilt, anger, pain, it was building up inside me. My blood ran hot with realization that last night could’ve been my last with her, I could be holding her in a hospital bed right now or I.D’ing her in the morgue. I held her closer, her bare chest to mine. 

I knew it right then, in that very moment. I was gonna spend as many nights with her as she and God would let me. 

** ********** CALI’S POV ********** **

Sonny was moving fast. I could feel him growing against my stomach. God, and when he squeezed my ass.. My knees were on both sides of his waist but he slid our bodies in unison to our sides, facing each other. He pulled my top knee around his waist and ground against me. I was cursing in my head, fuck, I loved when he took control like this..

_ “No foreplay?” _

He inched his face back, just enough for me to see his expression. I’d never seen his eyes so intense. 

_ “I want you, now. Right now.. and every day, Cali.” _

I don’t know if he was professing anything or just caught up in the moment. But I melted into his arms, he welcomed my rough kiss and rolled into me hard. I gasped against his lips and tensed up for a moment. He stayed still, letting me get comfortable. He whispered,

_ “Are you okay? Did I hurt you?” _

I shook my head and replied, more like pleaded. 

_ “Keep going.. please.” _

He didn’t hesitate rolling his hips deep between my legs. Jesus Christ, I was in Heaven. His waist grinding against my clit so hard, his lips had dipped down to my neck.. first just leaving little kisses along my bruises. I winced from the pain when I felt his first bite. 

_ “I’m sorry. I forgo-“ _

_ “No, don’t stop” _

I was pinned between him and the bathtub wall. It felt like every word I said, he tried to go deeper. I didn’t think it was possible but he kept doing it. My nails dug into his shoulders, my breathy moans and gasps filled the tiny room.

_ “Harder, Sonny, hard.” _

He pulled almost completely out and crashed into me, water spilling over the edge of the tub around us. He let out a deep, loud moan against my skin and it drove me crazy. I loved hearing his outbursts, like it almost felt too good for him to handle. He pulled out and crashed into me again. Over and over. I felt it building up inside of me. 

_ “God, right there.. right there..” _

He grabbed the nape of my neck and brought his forehead to mine, staring me in the eyes. He wasn’t dominant in nature, but he knew it worked me over..

_ “Do it, baby.. cum.” _

I was coming undone in front of him. Tensing up around him, shivering. My moans were more of a growl between clenched teeth and soon, he joined me. Holding himself deep inside me, I could feel him pulsing. 

We laid catching our breath in the tub that’d lost most of it’s water. He groaned and rolled onto his back with me on top of him. 

_ “Mental note, I’m too old for future bathtub sex.” _

I laughed and gave him a peck on the lips before lifting myself off of him and out of the tub. He followed and wrapped a towel around me, and then himself. I couldn’t help but wonder if he’d meant it.. that he wanted to do this with me every day. Forever. And I couldn’t help but wonder if I wanted that, too. 

_ “Do you want to, um.. visit home with me for Christmas? Is it too soon for me to ask that?” _

I saw his cheeks flush and a warm smile spread across them. 

_ “I would fucking love that. I’ve been scratching my head thinking of how I was supposed to keep myself out of trouble for a whole two days anyways. Next weekend, right?” _

Over the next week I was tasked with the decision of whether or not Echo would join us as SVU’s first dual K9 Unit. Originally.. I thought that’s what I wanted. To have him here with me, taking down bad guys like back in the good ole days. But he was pushing 6 years old. Dual K9s last on average 8 years and he’d already been hurt once. I couldn’t bare the thought of him taking another bullet, I would never be able to forgive myself. He was halfway through his life and had never gotten to actually be a dog. 

That Friday he and I stood side by side with Chief Dodds, right in front of a slew of flashing cameras and reporters. The bruises on my neck had gotten worse and then faded significantly, but I knew they would look gruesome in the artificial camera lighting. I wore a a textured white turtle neck tucked into a pair of black jeans and a peach blazer. 

They took photos of Dodds handing me a plaque and shaking my hand, he even kneeled down and “shook” with Echo, too. They got a few shots of me and Echo, Echo and Dodds, just Echo, etc. Dodds left me to the wolves for questioning. More like sharks, the way they fed off of each other. No reporter asking more than one question, just making assumptions on the previous one answered.

_ “Detective, was there ever a moment that you thought your K9 wasn’t coming back for you?” _

_ “No. Echo and I have worked together for many years, we started on the force together. He’s never once shown me anything but absolute loyalty.” _

_ “Your **human** partner didn’t get to you in time. If it weren’t for your dog, you may not have made it. How does that make you feel?” _

I’m sure he saw my expression change, because I saw his. He looked as if he immediately regretted every word. 

_ “My K9. He’s my K9, not my dog. And my partner, Detective Carisi, is one of New York’s finest. He, Detective Rollins and Echo worked together to get an aggressive sociopath into custody. If anything, it should be the three of them up here, not me.” _

_ “There are rumors circulating that Echo will be joining Manhattan SVU. Can you speak on that matter?” _

_ “Chief Dodds did give me that option, I’ve thought hard about it this past week. While I know that Echo would do this job until the day he dies, given the chance.. it’s my job to make sure that day doesn’t come early. He holds the record for most successful take-downs and live rescues in the state of Tennessee, as well as a huge chunk of my heart.. He’s put in many, many hours of overtime and I believe it’s time that he got a break. He will be retiring to a private domestic abuse shelter, where he will live as their emotional support animal, best friend, and guard dog.” _

There were _“aww”s_ and claps from the small crowd, it seemed like the Q&A was over. Until a rather large, grotesque man from the crowd spoke out.

_ “Miss Jack. Do you really think you’d be standing here right now if it had only been up to your partner to save you?” _

I raised an eyebrow, somewhat impressed with his cocky ignorance.

_ “It’s Detective Jack, thank you. And yes, with everything in me. I am grateful to have Detective Carisi beside me. I learn from him daily and he’s always had my back. He makes me a better detective, as well as a better human. I appreciate the questions, guys, but I have a flight to catch. Everyone, please have a safe weekend!” _

I crossed the room towards my squad, Echo trailing just behind me. Sonny’s agitated expression showing even through the crowd of people. He cut me off before I could speak. 

_ “I already know, don’t listen to them. They weren’t there. They don’t know what it’s like..” _

Chief Dodds spoke,_ “They don’t know what it’s like, Detective. They’ll never know the obligation that one feels to protect their partner, especially one that they’re involved with...”_

His face was stern, eyeing both of us. Amanda and Fin took a step back, not wanting to get involved. Olivia, however, stepped in._ “Chief, I’m sorry. I should’ve-“_

_ “Listen, detectives.. after this, I don’t care if the two of you are married for Christ’s sake. If 1PP asks, I don’t know jack. But please, don’t give them a reason to ask... You’ll have to excuse me.” _

He nodded at us as he left the room. Sonny, Liv and I looked at each other confused. 

_ “Did he just give us his.. blessing?” _

Munch grabbed the two of us by the shoulders._ “Mazel tov, kids, mazel tov. But I believe the two of you have a one way flight to Knoxville waiting for you.”_

We waited for Echo’s new handler in the Airport parking lot. It wasn’t long before the blacked out SUV pulled up. A tall, blonde, thin woman with glasses stepped out of the driver’s side. Olivia had spoken very fondly of her. She extended a hand. 

_ “I’m Alex Cabot, you must be Detective Jack. Olivia had wonderful things to say about you. _

I shook her hand a gave her a soft smile, trying to hide the pain that I knew I was about to go through.

_ “I’m happy to hear that. This is Echo. Let him sniff you first, please.” _

She opened her palms for him to smell. He was serious at first, doing his job. But his character quickly broke and his butt was wiggling, playful tail wagging against her. She scratched his back and laughed.

_ “Thank you. He’s going to have an incredibly rewarding job, I promise.” _

_ “I know he will. You have the number to the trainer I recommended, right? He’s going to have a short adjustment period and that trainer will be able to help a ton.” _

_ “Absolutely, we’re headed straight to our first appointment.” _

I kneeled down to Echo’s level, kissing his muzzle and hugging him around the neck.

_ “You keep her safe, okay? You keep them all safe. Just like you’ve done for me. Got it?” _

He barked once and wagged his tail fiercely. He always understood. I stood up and hugged Alex. 

_ “Make sure you tell him every day how loved he is.” _

** ********** SONNY’S POV ********** **

I saw a tear slide down her cheek as she pulled away from Alex. I don’t know that I’d ever seen anyone look at anything with as much love in their eyes as she did when she looked at him. I slid my arm over her shoulders as we watched Echo jump in the passenger seat and ride away.

_ “He’s gonna have a good life, y’know.” _

_ “Yeah, I know.. Fuck, I hope this isn’t how my parents felt when me and Maddie moved out.” _

She sniffled and wiped away one last tear, I laughed and planted a big, wet kiss on her noggin.

_ “Just wait, doll. One day it’ll be our kids and you’ll really be drownin’ in tears.” _

God. Dammit. I swear I meant to say “your” kids. 

_ “Oh my god, do you have a pregnancy kink? Is that your thing?” _

I rolled my eyes at her sarcasm and grabbed her hand, pulling her toward the terminal. 

_ “YOOUUUUR kids, Cal. I meant your kids, I swear. Come on!” _

Our plane came down just as soon as it went up, a direct flight from LaGuardia to Knoxville only lasted two hours and didn’t go through a single time zone change. It was still daylight out when we landed. We played “Where’s Waldo” with the crowd, trying to find her sister. It took us a minute, but we finally spotted a girl that looked a lot like her holding a sign high above her head that read **“WELCOME HOME FROM PRISON, CALI”**. 

Her sister stood beside whom I’m assuming is her boyfriend, I hadn’t met him when they visited a month ago. They ran to each other, jumping into each other’s arms. I swapped handshakes with the guy, who’s name was Danny. 

_ “How long’s the drive to your house?” _

Danny responded,_ “Eh, about 2 and a half, 3 hours.”_

I turned towards Cal, _“3 hours? There weren’t any closer airports??”_

_ “This isn’t where we’re from, babe. We just have a family thing here for Christmas every year. Our rental is like 45 minutes away.” _

We loaded into her sister’s RAV4 and she took us up a mountain, around a mountain, through a mountain and finally onto a long, winding gravel road through the woods. The sun was getting lower and I could see lights shining through the trees. We turned one final sharp curve and joined a dozen other trucks and SUVs in the driveway of a huge, lit up log cabin. A genuine log cabin. It sat in a clearing that overlooked the city below. The Christmas colored lights illuminating the path down the mountain, through town and up the mountain adjacent to us.

I followed them inside the house to a whirlwind of kids, parents, grandparents, great aunts and friends that had been there so long they’d turned into family. She walked up to an older lady and grabbed the glass in front of her. 

_ “There alcohol in this?” _

_ “Why hell yes, I just poured that!” _

She took a long sip and sat it back down in front of her. 

_ “Not much. You’re goin’ soft on me, Granny.” _

The woman’s accent was much thicker than Cali’s and it sounded as if she’d smoked a carton a day her entire life. She laughed and got up to hug her. 

_ “Don’t test me, child.” _

She walked me through the house and onto the balcony, introducing me to everyone. Her mom, dad, sister, brother in law, her cousin, his wife and their two kids, her great uncle, their daughter and grand daughter, her great aunt, her son and his 4 teenagers, her uncle and 4 out of her 8 grandparents. She was semi translating for me and everyone else, apparently Tennesseans and Staten Islanders spoke two very, very different languages. 

Introductions were made and she approached her sister. 

_ “You saved us the room with the safe, right? I don’t want one of these damn kids blowing their brains out with a department issued gun.” _

_ “Yeah, second floor at the end of the hallway. Right across from me and Danny.” _

I followed her up a flight of creaking, wooden stairs and down the hallway. The room was also made of all wood. Literally, ALL wood. The bed frame, rocking chair, night stands, dresser, everything was the same light washed shade. 

_ “If I ever made fun of your accent when we first met, I was wrong. Those people might as well have been speaking Chinese.” _

She shrugged and tossed her bag on the bed. 

_ “After a few shots of Ole Smokey Moonshine and Tennessee Whiskey, you will be too.” _

_ “I’m guessing they’re all big drinkers?” _

_ “Oh lord.. you thought I could throw em back, you just wait.. I gotta ask, how long has it been since you played beer pong?” _

The kids were put to bed on the top floor and the party had long begun on the ground floor. Four shots of apple pie flavored moonshine later, I was shooting ping pongs into cups filled with Michelob Ultra with her brother in law that I’d only just met a few hours ago. He said he didn’t wanna be on a team with his girlfriend because she got way too competitive when she was drunk. They were arguing about missed shots and throwing techniques with only 3 cups left on our side of the table and 4 on theirs. 

_ “Madison, I’m too fucking DRUNK to make a shot without doing my secret move! We’re gonna LOSE if you don’t let me!” _

Her sister raised her hand to her eyebrow out of annoyance. 

_ “Fine. You’re gonna cost us the game, but fine.” _

I don’t even think she fucking looked at the cups before she whipped around and drilled the ping pong ball straight for the lone cup in the center. It went straight in. Didn’t rim the circle, didn’t pop out. Dead sink. I burst out laughing with her cousin, Justin, at the ridiculousness of that shot. His wife, who was wine drunk, let her jaw drop and let out a_ “What the hell?”_

Her sister laid a knuckle sandwich right into her ribs. 

_ “I fucking made it dude, what the hell??” _

_ “You didn’t CALL the ISLAND!” _

_ “Oh my god I NEVER CALL THE ISLAND!” _

They won and made up after her sister apologized for the bruise she’d left on her ribs. Cal was right, once my vision started blurring and my speech slurred, I was speaking “Chinese” right along with everyone else. We were on the deck, sitting around a fire pit with her cousin and his wife. 

_ “It’s Sonny, right?” _

_ “That’s right, bud.” _

_ “Hm.. so y’all gettin’ married?” _

It was like she knew where he was heading. 

_ “Stop, Justin, I already told you.” _

_ “Told him that we’ve already been engaged twice, right?” _

His eyes nearly closed completely when he laughed and his wife asked _“Wait, what?_”

She tried to explain but her response time was definitely delayed. 

_ “No, we had to-“ _

_ “Delay the wedding. I wanted to elope but y’know, whatever makes the missus happy.” _

_ “Sonny don’t fuck around, we WILL wake up to a fully planned wedding.” _

Her dad came out the patio doors with a number of the adults behind him, two acoustic guitars in tow. 

_ “All right, holding true to tradition. My beautiful daughter and I will now close out our first night here... in song. You ready?” _

She sighed and responded,_ “I’m extremely intoxicated but yeah, let’s do this.”_

He took a seat beside her and strummed the first chords.

_ I may not always love you,  _

_ but long as there are stars above you.. _

I recognized the song. I remember her telling me that it was her and her dad’s favorite. He joined her for the _“bedop beduh dop duhduh”’_s and then their harmonious voices joined together for the climax of the song, with Cal finishing it off smoothly. 

Her uncle held his hand over his heart at the end, _“Beautiful, just beautiful. It’s time for this old timer to get to bed.”_

Everyone retreated to their rooms, including us. The door closed and she cut her eyes at me, but I could tell she was trying to hold back a grin.

_ “You side eyeing me?” _

_ “Yeah, you keep fucking around and soon everyone’s gonna actually think we’re engaged, Dom.” _

_ “You seem real adamant about us not being engaged. What’s a matter, you don’t like me?” _

I grabbed her around the waist from behind, kissing her neck playfully. 

_ “No, no, I love-“ _

She froze. I froze. The kisses I was leaving on her skin stopped as I waited for her to finish. 

_ “What?” _

She turned around in my grip and saved herself. 

_ “What we have going on, Sonny.” _

I stopped holding my breath and leaned in to kiss her head. 

_ “Me too, doll. I’m crazy about you.” _


	13. You've Got a Friend in Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of fluff and Christmas vibes going on in this chapter. This is a semi filler chapter that I'm writing just to fill my compulsive need to start wearing sweaters and put up my Christmas tree.  
This chapter is starting out in Cali's POV and alternating throughout.

It was early in the morning when I woke up to our door slowly creaking open. I didn't stir, the light was barely even peaking over the mountain outside of our floor to ceiling windows. I wasn't actually sure if I was awake or dreaming until I heard the pitter patter of little feet sneak across the floor to my side of the bed. Followed by a tiny voice, _"Is it time?"_

I pulled my arm off of Sonny and rubbed my eyes in the darkness.

_"Yeah, sweetie. Come on.."_

I slid off the bed as slowly as I could, trying not to wake him. Didn't turn on any lights on our way down the stairs, but the floorboards creaked worse than I'd expected. I grabbed my acoustic guitar from beside the glass french doors. We sat outside in two wooding rocking chairs. The one beside me occupied by my nephew, River. Or I guess my second cousin, my cousin's son. But Justin and I had grown up like brother and sister, and River had always called me Aunt Cal. He was holding his baby brother in his lap, he'd be turning a year old in just a few weeks. It'd been a tradition for the past 4 years, every since River and I met. He was my cousins step-son and when we met, they were dealing with some issues with his real dad. I was dealing with some issues with my family. We became thick as thieves and had been sneaking out here to hang out before everyone else woke up ever since. 

I picked up my guitar and asked him, _"You remember the words, right?"_

_"Mhm, I've been practicing!"_

I strummed and tapped my guitar to the beat.

_You've got a friend in me, you've got a friend in me_  
_When the road looks rough ahead_  
_And you're miles and miles from your nice warm bed_  
_You just remember what your old pal said_  
_Boy, you've got a friend in me_  
_Yeah, you've got a friend in me_

He took over the next part, bumping baby Forrest on his knee to make him laugh a long. We joined for the final verse.

_Some other folks might be a little bit smarter than I am_  
_Bigger and stronger too, maybe_  
_But none of them will ever love you the way I do, it's me and you, boy_  
_And as the years go by our friendship will never die_  
_You're gonna see it's our destiny_  
_You've got a friend in me , you've got a friend in me_  
_Yeah, you've got a friend in me_

I dropped my guitar down as gently as I could before they hopped into my lap. I'd been so excited when Sonny told us that he was going to be an uncle again a few weeks ago.. because I remembered how excited I was when I became an aunt again. 

_"You've been good for mom and dad, right bud?"_

_"Yeah but.. I miss you Aunt Cal. And I think Forest misses you, too!"_

I took Forest from him and shifted him to my other arm. Holding them in each. 

_"I miss you guys too, so much."_

_"....We're still best friends, aren't we?"_

I hugged him to my chest tight. This is the shit that got to me at night. This is why I'd been hesitant to leave Tennessee in the first place. River was 8 now, how long before he didn't consider Aunt Cal his best friend anymore? How long before this connection was gone and our secret Christmas morning escapes stopped happening?

_"YOU are my very, very BEST friend, River. You, and now Forest, too."_

_"What did you say your boyfriend's name is? Dominick?"_

_"You can just call him Sonny, babe."_

_"Oh, are you guys gonna get married? Like mom and Justin did last year?"_

I laughed and slid him off of my lap, perching Forest on my hip. Thank god my hair was up because he was drooling alllll over my shoulder.

_"Your mama tell you to say that? I hope so, but not any time soon."_

I kneeled down to eye level him him.

_"When we do though, maybe I can convice Sonny to let ya'll wear tuxes and stand up there with him."_

A big smile crept across his face. He'd been the best man in his parents' wedding last year and loved every bit of it. He loved dressing up, my cousin was doing a good job filling the father role that his dad had abandoned. 

_"Can I.. Do you think I can call him Uncle Sonny?"_

I heard the patio doors open, River and I's heads shot that direction. Sonny walked out the door in a sweatshirt and fleece pajama pants, his hair still messy.

************ SONNY'S POV** **********

_"You can call me whatever you want, bud. What do you want **me** to call **you**?"_

The little boy looked up at me, he couldn't have been more than 4 feet tall.

_"Im.. River!"_

Cali led us both inside with a baby perched up on her hip. She told River to go upstaires to change and put on some socks.

_"How much of that were you eavesdropping on?"_

_"Oh, just the Toy Story reenactment, the wedding planning and the part where I have a new nephew."_

Not gonna lie, she looked good playing auntie. Still a little tired, wearing her lazy clothes and no bra with her hair throw up in a messy ponytail. My mind drifted to thought of us in our apartment, making breakfast on Christmas morning with our own little one. I didn't notice Forest reaching for me before she held him out. I took him in my arms and suddenly missed when my niece and nephew were this little. When they were just cute and didn't have the attitudes that they do now.

_"Make that two new nephews. His formula's in the fridge."_

We sat at the huge, family sized table while she drank coffee and I fed the baby back to sleep. Her cousins came down stairs shortly after, frantically searching for their child. (Who'd apparently just mastered crawling, so they were probably expecting him to be halfway to town by now.) River had fallen back asleep in his bed and neglected to tell them that he'd kidnapped Forest from his crib. The rest of her family slowly made their way down to the kitchen. It was a whirlwind of people and I'd lost Cal in the storm for a while, making myself at home with these people that may end up being my family one day. The sun rose and I caught a glipse of her walking up the stairs, following after her and meeting her in our bedroom. She hadn't seen me behind her, I'd been wrestling with some of the kids and the playfulness got the better of me. I swung my palm out and it landed right on her ass cheek before I slammed the door closed behind us.

_"WHO IN THE-"_

I couldn't control my laughter when she turned around with a surprised look on her face. But her dropped jaw soon formed into a a playful grin while she held her backside. 

_"Dominick Carisi Jr. are you really trying to get a boot knife to the liver the week before Christmas??"_

_"Doll, with those reflexes I'm not getting a knife ANYWHERE and you're getting a damn takedown!"_

She still wasn't fast enough, her guard was down now that she was finally taking a few days off. I wrapped my arms around the top of her thighs and lifted her up, dropping her down onto the bed. She let out a half scream/half laugh while telling me, _"PUT ME DOWNNNN!"_

_"You ticklish, hun?"_

I didn't give her the chance to answer before falling down on top of her and feathering my fingers across her stomach. I gotta give it to her, she fought like hell. She twisted and contracted while yelling for me to stop between involuntary laughter. She was pinching at my hands and kicking the air around us.

_"Babe, you're laughin'! You sure you want me to stop??"_

She was gasping for breath and had tears streaming down her face. I finally showed her the mercy she'd been begging for when she didn't have the energy to fight back anymore. My face hurt from laughing and smiling so much, I couldn't remember the last time that happened. I looked down at her, taking in her natural beauty. Her deep green eyes and freckles that bridged her nose. She spoke to me between giggles and deep breaths of air. 

_"There's gonna be a freakin' hand print on my ass now, you dick!"_

_"Yeah? Let's see."_

Her breathing nearly stopped and she cocked an eyebrow at me. I lifted onto my knees and she rolled onto her stomach, I pulled her hips back toward me.. Her arms crossed into a pillow under her face and she turned her head to look back at me.. Her sweet eyes looking curiously into mine. I ran my hands up her thighs, over her ample ass. I peeled her leggings and underwear off of her skin slowly, down to the middle of her thighs. She was right, there was a bright red hand print on her cheek.

_"Now this.. This is gonna need some love and attention.."_

I gave her a fake, worried look while running my cold fingers across her warm skin.

_"Don't you dare start something you can't finish right now, Dom."_

_"Oh, I can finish you. Don't worry about that..."_

She was always testing me when she knew I was wanting her. It drove me crazy, her attitude in bed. But good fucking god did it make me want her ten times more, too. I planted a soft kiss on her ass, followed by another.. and another. I looked up at her, waiting for her approval.

She nodded back at me gently, biting her bottom lip. I laid another kiss closer to the inside of her thighs before waiting for her to once again give me approval. I did this a few more times before I finally got her to break. She spoke through a nervous smile and gritted teeth.

_"Stop. Fucking. Teasing. Me. Sonny."_

I laughed with my lips against her skin before slowly.. so slowly.. leaving a kiss on her juicy lips. I heard her release the breath that she'd been holding in. I closed my eyes and ran my tongue across her swollen clit. Her moans were music to my fucking ears. I explored her delicious slit with my tongue, lapping at her soft skin. Sucking on her sensitive clit gently. I was gripping her waist, holding her down on the bed while she tried to grind back against me. 

_"Ohhhh my godddd, Sonny, just fuck me!"_

I hadn't planned on it, I was just wanting to make her cum. But I mean.. how could I say no? I rose to my knees on the bed behind her. One hand still on her ass, the other pulling the pajama pants down past my waist. I slid my head up and down her before sliding in quickly. Her back was arched below me and I heard her whisper to herself.

_"Holy... shit, right there..."_

I felt a chill go through my body, never having been this deep inside her before.. I took a moment to regain my strength and stop myself from cumming right then and there. I pulled out of her and thrust back in. Jesus Christ, she was already so wet.. I crashed down into her, over and over. She muffled her moans with a pillow so no one on the floor below us could hear. I ran my hand up her back, trying to touch every inch of her soft skin before letting my senses get the better of me. She turned her head to look back towards me, her gasping lips forming into a smile. I knew what that meant.. I smiled back at her and nodded, pushing harder into her. Her eyes closed and her fists gripped the blankets that were twisted underneath us. My legs shook and nails dug into her skin as she panted below me.

_"Jesus Christ, I wanna do that to you every fucking morning."_

I slipped out of her and tossed myself down onto the bed beside her, she rolled over onto her back with her arms above her head. Her face flushed. 

We showered and took her sister's RAV4 down the mountain, having breakfast with the rest of her family at The Pancake Pantry then making our way into town. It was a nice little town with lots of German/Swiss type architecture. It was homey, cozy, but mostly it reminded me of her. The city was crowded with people, lots of other families had the tradition of coming here for the Christmas season as well. But the breed of people down here was different than the type we had up north. You bump into someone in Brooklyn or the Bronx and you get a dirty look at the least. Here, they patted you on the shoulder to make sure you were okay and apologized with their heavily accented voices. It was heartwarming, not being surrounded by heinous crimes and negativity all day long.

We separated from her relatives for most of the day and explored the shops and alleyways, indulging in the homemade fudge and seasonal candy apples. She picked up a few gifts and had them wrapped in-house before we ran into Justin, Michelle and their two boys. Michelle had the baby strapped to her chest and River was tugging at her sleeve, pointing at the tourist attraction across the street. 

_"Mom, PLEASE! That looks to COOL!"_

_"River, you say that every year. No, all those things are just tourist traps."_

Justin stepped in to help his wife, who was obviously getting annoyed with her children.

_"Baby, why don't you and Cali take River to the moving theater. Give me the baby, he's too damn big for you to be carrying around all day anyways. Go on, me and Sonny will wait for ya'll right here."_

Michelle looked relieved to say the least as she unstrapped the kid from her chest. We watched them buy their tickets and go through the doors with River.

_"She seems like a great mom. How long you guys been together?"_

_"Five years. I swear, every day I wake up and she's a new woman... Which makes her hard as hell to buy for."_

He was looking down at a case of earrings and necklaces, doing his best to prevent the baby from touching the glass.

_"Yeah, thank God we decided to not do gifts this year..."_

Justin tilted his head at me and pursed his lips with a side smirk, replying sarcastically.

_"Oh yeah, I thought Michelle and I had that agreement our first Christmas together, too."_

_"Did you not?"_

_"HELL no. She didn't get me anything either, but then she huffed and puffed for the next week until I finally caught on and told her her gift was just on back order. I won't make that mistake again, that's for sure!"_

Suddenly, I was glancing down at the case, too. Everything in it looked bland and boring.

_"Well.. what do I get her then?"_

_"None of this shit. She's not exactly a diamonds and pearls kinda chick.."_

************ CALI'S POV ************

I ducked down below the door frame with River on my back, making sure he didn't smack his forehead on the wood. Our hair was wet and our heads were still spinning from the moving theater. It was one of those things where the seats move and spin and fake snow falls from the ceiling. But as we walked into the cold air outside, snow was lightly falling around us anyways. I'd always loved coming up here during Christmas and catching a little bit of winter weather, since it never really snowed in my hometown. It hadn't snowed yet in New York either, but I knew soon enough I'd already be sick of it. We ran into Justin and Sonny waiting for us outside the doors, Forest had long fallen asleep against his dad. I saw Sonny sneak a small box into his inside jacket pocket before I wrapped my hands around his waist, trying to sneak a feel of what he had.

_"Whatcha got there, Dom?"_

_"Hm, what's what?"_

He snuck his fingers between mine to stop me from catching a feel, pulling me in for a sweet kiss on the lips. I saw River make a grossed out face and stick his tongue out. 

_"What's the move, boss? It's getting dark."_

I turned toward River who was now tucked under Michelle's arm.

_"Well, this punk needs to get to bed soon. And we have work to do at the cabin, lot's of work."_

_"Work?"_

************ END ALL POV'S ************

It was nearly 10 P.M. by the time all you all had dinner and made it back to the cabin. The kids were all tucked tight into bed, you gave River a glass of water and a kiss on the head before making your way back down the stairs to Sonny. You joined him around the huge family dinning room table with the rest of your relatives. Your sister passing around glasses of eggnog and those shortbread cookies that you can buy at the store. You know, the ones with little snowmen on them that are insanely cheap for how delicious they are. Your Granny spoke up above the loud conversations going on around her.

_"All right, who wants to do the tree, who wants to do the patio, who wants to do the yard, and who wants to start the cooking?"_

Yours and your sister's hands shot up and you both yelled out _"Tree!"_

You were split into the same teams that you'd naturally fallen into over the years. You, Sonny, Justin, Michelle, Maddie and Danny would do the tree. The lot of you were the youngest of the adults, so you still got spoiled when it came to the holidays. The other women would take over the cooking, and you warned Sonny that he wasn't to step a **toe **into the kitchen unless he wanted a turkey baster to the eye. The men would do the hard work of stringing lights along the balconies and setting up animatronic deer. They'd bitch and complain about it, and demand pats on the back from their wives afterwards, but they'd get it done.

You dragged in boxes on antique ornaments from your grandparent's cars while Sonny and Justin carried the Christmas tree in pieces down from the attic. The cabin had an open balcony floor plan, so you could lean over the railing on the second and third floor and see straight down to the dining room and staircase below you. It was great for the 9 foot tree that you'd been putting up for the past 20 years. The lot of you started carefully unwrapping ornaments from decades old newspapers and old wrapping paper. You held up an ancient looking homemade ornament. It was a green and red sharpie colored picture frame made of Popsicle sticks, inside was your kindergarten photo. A freckle faced little girl with bangs that were too short for her forehead and was missing her two front teeth but smiling as big as ever anyways. Sonny pulled out his phone and told you to smile, he snapped a picture as you held it up to your face in comparison. 

The night went on and the tree slowly got decorated from the floor up. It took hours longer than usual, as you all had to stop every time an ornament made you feel nostalgic or you just wanted to make fun of each other. Finally, the topper. It was an old, vintage St. Nick doll. He was wearing a long, white gown that matched his hair and beard and held a bundle of holly in one hand. The other held a long scroll with a list of children's' names on it. You held onto your sister's legs as she stretched her body over the second floor balcony railing, trying to reach the very tip top. The memory of doing this at 7 and 8 years old came to your head, you could almost hear your mom yelling at your dad from the bottom floor to _"GET MY DAMN CHILDREN DOWN FROM THERE, JASON!" _ Your dad would laugh and shush you, putting you down just until she got out of eyesight. Then the two of you would try again. 

Sonny watched on edge from the bottom floor beside Danny, who was also looking up at the two of you with his arms crossed and smiling.

_"How do you watch them do this every year? I feel like I'm gonna have a damn heart attack."_

_"There's no stopping them when they get together, I've tried. Honestly, you just gotta sit back and hope for the best. They don't usually end up hurting themselves."_

Sonny cocked an eyebrow at Danny, barely taking his eyes off the two of you.

_"Usually?"_

A cheer erupted from the second floor and Maddie's feet landed back on the floor just as she got the topper onto the tree. Sonny looked back up to see you and your little sister embracing each other. He grabbed the string of lights, holding the switch between his thumb and palm.

_"All right, want me to fire her up?"_

_"No, no, no! We have to put the presents under it first!"_

You led Sonny up to the second floor, where all the adults were staying. Maddie and Danny taking the rooms in the left hallway, you and Sonny taking the ones to the right. You pushed all of the gifts that were hidden in the closets out the doors and brought them down one by one. Dozens of gifts, stacked and sorted under the tree. 

_"All right, now you can light it!"_

It was a towering heap of bright, mix matched ornaments. Some homemade, some you could tell had been bought long before anyone in this home had been born. There were strings of silver, plastic "icicles" all over it. Baked gingerbread cookies with the names of people you didn't even recognize. A few tiny knitted gloves and booties. But you looked up at it like it was beautiful, because in your eyes it was. It was your family for the past 80 years and all the good parts of your childhood. It was your Uncle Ray climbing onto the roof at 3 A.M. and stomping around so you'd believe Santa had came early. It was tossing oats and glitter onto the lawn for the reindeer to eat and watching all of the old Christmas claymations with your grandparents. Your arms wrapped tight around Sonny's waist and his around your shoulder, pulling you to him. He was watching the lights shining bright in your eyes. Christmas for Catholics weren't exactly like this, or at least not in his family. 

_"Come on, before Granny forces you to be her taste tester."_

Sonny followed you up the stairs and closed the door behind him before dragging the thick quilt off the bed. He opened the french doors to the patio and nodded for you to join him. It was freezing out and you were only wearing running shorts and a sweatshirt. But he pulled you into his lap on the double seated rocking chair and wrapped the blanket around the two of you. Your eyes looking lovingly down into his.

_"We've got a good thing goin', right babe?"_

_"Mhm, I think so. I'm glad you came down here with me. Has my family scared you away yet?"_

_"Are you kidding? I dreamed of a family like this growing up."_

_"Thank God, I planned on keeping you around for a bit.."_

You leaned down and gave him a little kiss on the lips, your cold noses touching. He spoke to you in between kisses.

_"Yeah? So you aren't gonna be too upset when I give you your Christmas gift."_

You stopped kissing him and tried your best to look pissed, you'd agreed to not exchange gifts this year. 

_"It's nothing big or fancy, it just reminded me of you. So, y'know..."_

He pulled the small, rectangular box from inside his jacket. It was tied with a bow that you pulled slowly. Your eyes lit up when you opened it.

_"I don't know if it means anything to you. But I always stare at the little honey bee tattoo on your ribs. I first noticed it that night we were chasing that perp through the storm, I'd told you to wear a rain jacket and you refused. I saw you changing into a hoodie behind the car and now whenever I see something with honey bees, it reminds me of you."_

You rolled the pendant around in your hand, it was gold and gorgeous. And it _did _mean something to you. A lot, actually. You jogged back into the bedroom and then returned to your place on his lap before placing a square box in his hand, too.

_"I swear, I didn't plan this. Open it!"_

He pulled the top off and laughed. Two gold colored, honeycomb shaped cuff links.

_"Okay, Cal. If this isn't a sign that you're the one then I don't know what is."_

He pulled your face to his and kissed you deep.

_"Do you know what they stand for? Honey bees."_

_"They stand for something?"_

_"Mhm. Bees aren't supposed to be able to fly. They aren't built for it at all, but they have a stronger work ethic than any other living creature. They work their lives away for us, for their hive, and for mother nature."_

_"Is that.. good?"_

You nodded your head at him.

_"Even though their lives are built around providing and protecting, they still manage to find time to stop and smell the roses."_

He pulled the chain of your new necklace around you and clasped it, then stroked your face with his thumb.

_"So is that how you manage to still see the good in the world? After all the terrible things we've seen together, everything you've been through before me, you just think of the honey bee?"_

You rested your hand on his.

_"Going to bed with you every night helps a lot, too."_

_"You know, my lease is up at the beginning of the year... Your offer still open?"_

You couldn't hide your grin anymore before being the one to pull him in this time.

_"Always."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE let me know which POV you guys like better; Cal's, Sonny's or none. Also, if you are in driving distance of Gatlinburg and have never been, you should REALLY go this winter. It's great. Leave any comments, reviews, suggestions, critisism, ect. Thank you all for reading!


	14. My Person

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember that in scenes with more than 3 people speaking, their initial will be before thier dialogue.  
S-Sonny, C-Cali, O-Olivia, A-Amanda, F-Fin, B-Barba, etc.  
In these scenes, yours and Sonny's dialogue will be on the right, everyone elses on the left. In scenes with just you and Sonny, yours will be on the right, his on the left.

Cue a montage of a wild “Christmas” morning with your family, wrapping paper everywhere and Jingle Bell Rock playing in the background. A massive holiday feast for lunch and a tearful goodbye before your sister drove you and Sonny back to the airport. You spent Christmas Day with the Carisi family and rung in the New Year with your squad at Olivia’s apartment. 

January 5th was the day that you and Sonny decided to officially move in together. It was also the day that a bitter snow storm decided to completely change course, headed straight for New York. The two of you had spent Friday night and Saturday decluttering and selling what little furniture Sonny had (since yours was newer and already where it needed to be anyways). You were running back and forth from your illegally parked car, to the elevator, into your apartment and back down again for more boxes and bags of clothes. It was coming down hard, covering the streets and your front steps. You bumped the car door closed with your hip, carrying the last bag over your shoulder when a black SUV pulled up next to the sidewalk. The dark tinted passenger side window rolled down, it was Rollins. Fin was beside her in the driver’s seat. They both had giddy smiles on their faces, Amanda spoke first.

_ “Man y’all are just BEGGING for 1PP to start asking questions, aren’t you?” _

You both approached her window, shielding your faces from the fat snowflakes. 

_ “We’re living by ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ until they get too nosy.” _

Fin gave a sarcastic “_Mhm_” and shook his head,  _ “You heard how well that worked for Liv and Tucker, right?” _

You excused yourself and took the box Sonny was holding, carrying the last of the items up to your apartment. He spoke to Amanda while waiting for you. 

_ “Y’all are moving kinda fast, don’t ya think? You’ve only been dating for a few months.” _

_ “I know how it looks. And if it were any of my exes, I’d agree. But it's... different.” _

Fin chimes in, _“Don’t question love, Rollins. When you know, you know.”_

_ “Yeah, speaking of ‘love’. Isn’t that something you usually bring up before taking this step?” _

_ “All right, is this why you guys came here? To criticize me for not dropping the L word yet? In the middle of a fucking snowstorm?” _

He saw their faces neutralize as they looked at each other. This time, Fin spoke. 

_ “Nah.. some passerby just found a dozen or so kids on the street. They’re all down at the precinct, not in the best shape. Liv wants all of us down there ASAP, that includes you two.” _

_ “Why? Shouldn’t Social Services be taking this?” _

Amanda shook her head,_ “You can tell they’ve suffered from long term abuse. They’re all pretty malnourished, too.”_

_ “All right, I’ll break the news to Cal. Give us an hour.” _

He made his way back up the stairs and down the hall, pissed that he hadn’t put the snow chains on your tires yet like he’d promised a few weeks ago. You met him in the hallway and slid your hands behind his back. 

_ “Let me guess, Mrs. Claus is waiting at the precinct to report Mr. Claus missing. She hasn’t seen him since Christmas Eve, his sleigh last pinged over Manhattan and she has reason to believe that he’s being held captive and harvested of his magic abilities. And for some reason we are the ONLY detectives that can possibly take this report.” _

He wrapped an arm around your shoulder. 

_ “I’m glad that SVU hasn’t corrupted you, Cal. There’s some kids at the station, possible abuse case. Liv wants all of us there.” _

_ “What a way to start off the new year. Fine, you’re driving though.” _

The snow was thick on your windshield and coming down hard, it took you forever to make it to the precinct. Sonny parked in front of the station, fully anticipating not being able to move the car after a few more hours of this. You walked through the doors to see kids of every age at every desk, medics looking over minor abrasions and child psychologists speaking to a few of them. Liv broke away from her conversation with Barba and approached you both. 

_ “Finally, you’re here. We’ve managed to get names for most of the kids. The oldest one, Jonah, has been extremely helpful and cooperative. We’re having trouble getting the younger ones to talk though. Any kids that have been talked to are in the observation room, all the ones out here still need to be interviewed. Pick one.” _

She walked back toward the two way glass. Sonny left your side to speak to a little girl, about 9 or 10, that was sitting at his desk. You skimmed the room, trying to “pick one” like Liv had ordered.

_ “Aunt Cali!” _

The voice was high pitched and you felt a little body grip your leg tight. Your squads eyes were on you before you could even look down. But when you did, you were staring at a head of wispy, red hair. Your heart stopped.

_ “RORY?!” _

He was gazing up at you with his bright green eyes and wide grin, dimples deeper than ever. Not even understanding how concerned you were. You scooped him up in your arms and held him tight, he held you tighter. 

_ “Rory, what are you doing?? Where’s your mama?” _

The four year old looked around the room, noticing all the faces staring at him. He leaned in to your ear and whispered loudly. 

_ “I’m not supposed to tell.” _

Olivia rushed over to you and ushered you and Rory into her office. 

_ “Calico. What is going on.” _

_ “This is my best friends’ son. Rory, why are you here? How did you get to New York? How long have you BEEN here??” _

_ “Wait, Rory? Jonah told us his name is Elijah.” _

_ “Yeah well, he’s lying. I watched this kid be born, his name is Rory Kralik. His birthday is in 4 days, I still have his footprint card and hospital band from the hospital.” _

Rory burrowed his face in your neck and started to sob, _“I want my mama...”_

_ “I know, baby, I know. When was the last time you saw Hana?” _

_ “I don’t know.. maybe yesterday..” _

_ “Do you remember where you were, or who she was with?” _

_ “Mhm, with Daddy Jacob.” _

_ “Jacob?” _

You turned toward Olivia. 

_ “When I left, his mom had just started dating a guy named Jake. I talked to her a few months ago and she’d said things were going well with them, he’d asked her to move in. She’s ignored my calls ever since..” _

_ “Did she ever show you a photo of him? Do you think you could sit down with the sketch artist??” _

_ “Shit, hold on!” _

You ran out of the office with Rory still perched on your hip, throwing open the drawer on your desk. It took a second of tearing your neatly organized desk apart, but you found it. Your old, smashed iPhone. Sonny had grabbed it the night you left it in the alley and thrown it in your desk the next day. 

_ “Oh my god, Dom. Where would I be without you?” _

You plugged the phone up to your MacBook, it took a second to charge after being dead for the past couple months. But it came on, the screen glitching and half blacked out. You backed it up to your cloud and scrolled through your messages. Liv stood over your shoulder as you pointed at the screen and spoke to the child. 

_ “Is this him, Rory?” _

_ “Yeah! That’s Mama, and that’s Daddy Jacob!” _

Liv’s heels clicked and she rushed back to her desk and yelled over to you, _“Okay, email me that photo immediately. And call her family, see if they’ve been able to get ahold of their daughter!”_

You called Hana’s step-mom. Aside from the circumstances, it was nice to hear her voice. You and Hana were best friends growing up and her family had become yours, her parents helped you a lot when yours were going through their divorce. But they hadn’t heard from their daughter in almost 6 months, ever since she moved out with her son. She’d kissed them goodbye and left with just a duffel bag for the two of them, and they never heard from her again. You broke the news to them that you’d found Rory, that he was okay but had lost a little weight. Hana’s dad took the phone, you could hear the worry in his voice when he asked where Hana was. 

_ “I’m gonna buy you guys two plane tickets, just tell me what day you can come up here. He can stay with me at my place until then, don’t worry about that. - All right, I love you guys. See ya soon.” _

Your squad spent all day trying to get something out of these kids, anything. The older ones locked down like Fort Knox once they were confronted about their original lies. They wouldn’t tell anyone their real names, their parents names, where they were from, nothing. Most of the younger ones were just scared.. but they did acknowledge that they at least recognized Jacob. Most of their faces actually lit up when they were shown the picture of him. 

You were watching Huang talk to Rory through the viewing glass when Sonny stood beside you and let out a loud sigh. 

_ “Well, I didn’t get much from ‘Sarah’. Is he giving anything up?” _

_ “Little bits here and there. I can’t tell if he actually doesn’t know much or if he’s just been coached into playing dumb..” _

You wrapped your arms around Sonny’s waist and leaned your head on his shoulder, he wrapped an arm around you. 

_ “You know I can’t let him sleep here tonight, right?” _

He smooched your head. 

_ “I knew you’d say that, and I’ve already talked to Liv about it. Until his grandparents get here to pick him up-“  _ He tipped your chin up towards him with his index finger,  _ “You and I get to play Mommy and Daddy.” _

He leaned down to kiss you just once. 

_ “Is that so?” _

_ “Mhm.”  _ He kissed you a second time. 

_ “So what you’re saying is.. I get to yell at you for leaving your dirty underwear around and we’re never going to have sex again?” _

You heard Munch scoff from the door way and turned to look at him. 

_ “Ha! You don’t have to get knocked up for that to happen, just give it a few months.” _

7 o’clock rolled around quickly and the kids started to get irritable. Olivia ordered a couple of pizzas and let them go to town, they ate like they hadn’t been fed in weeks. Hell, some of them probably hadn’t. Afterwards, they were all tucked in tight in the bunk room. Two guards would watch them all night, mainly the older kids, to make sure they didn’t try to pull off an escape. 

Rory fell asleep in your lap during the short ride back to your apartment. Sonny watched from the doorway as you tucked him into the air mattress that you’d blown up on your bedroom floor. He poured you a glass of wine as you closed the bedroom door behind you. 

_ “I’m sorry, this isn’t how I planned our first night living together goi-“ _

_ “Don’t, babe. There’s gonna be plenty of nights where we bring work home with us. Come here.” _

He fell back on the couch and pulled you down with him, laying your legs over his lap and rubbing your calves. 

_ “How good do you know his mom?” _

_ “We’ve been best friends for 12 years.. God, I remember being so pissed when she told me she was pregnant.” _

You laughed thinking back on all the dumb fights you two had had. The worry was sinking in, you’d spent the past 12 years worrying about her and now was no different.

_ “Pissed? For what?” _

_ “Cause she was sleeping with some married dude that I knew was gonna bail on her. And I was right, like always.” _

You paused and watched Sonny’s hands moving up and down your legs.

_ “But it never mattered how much I warned her or looked out for her, she never fucking listened...” _

_ “So did he really bail?” _

_ “Yep, when she was 6 months pregnant.” _

Sonny’s face got hard, he felt his blood run a little hot.

_ “I just don’t get that.. guy’s got a great kid in there he could be raising and he just walks away from it. A lot of men would kill for that.” _

_ “Oh he RAN away, and fast. I’d never seen her so heartbroken as when it was time for her to start pushing and she realized he wasn’t coming.” _

_ “And she never heard from him again? That was that?” _

_ “Not exactly.” _

You pulled your legs off of his and sat up on the couch, crossing them in front of you.

_ “After she had him I went outside to smoke, give her parents some time with their daughter and grand baby y’know. I had her phone with me and he finally called, so I answered.” _

_ “Yeah, but what good was it at that point.. What’d he say?”  _ You could hear the disgust in Sonny’s voice. 

_ “He just asked how she did, didn’t even really sound like he gave a fuck. I told him that I’d just spent two hours holding Hana’s legs up to her fucking chest. That I got to cut his son’s umbilical chord and was wearing the “father” nursery bracelet... as far as I know he didn’t call again after that.” _

Sonny pulled you to his chest and laid back,  _ “You’re a great friend, you know? And aunt, and sister, and daughter..” _

You whispered back against his chest. 

_ “...And girlfriend?” _

_ “The best.” _

The two of you laid together in comfortable silence for a long time. He stroked your hair and you didn’t close your eyes once, until a tear slipped down your cheek and onto his shirt. Your worrying getting the better of you. 

_ “Hana and I went through everything together.. breakups, losing our virginities, fights.. I remember laying in that twin sized hospital bed with her the night she had Rory. Realizing that she was my person.. What do you think’s happened to her, Sonny?” _

_ “We’re gonna find her, babe. You and me, like always, we’re gonna find her.” _

_ "Good God, I hope so..." _

Sonny woke up a few minutes before his alarm went off, relishing in the feeling of your soft skin against his. He slid off the bed and stood up in the dark room, stretching his long limbs down to his toes and back up again. He switched on the bathroom light and turned back around toward you, stopping in his tracks.

You'd kicked the blankets down to the end of the bed in your sleep. He knew you hated falling asleep with your pants on, or any bottoms at all, so he'd pulled them off of you when he carried you to bed the night before. Your shirt rode up on your torso a little in your sleep, just above your hip. He wasn't ogling at the sight of your bare legs. He was admiring the contrast of your smooth skin against your black boy shorts. Cherishing how beautiful and calm you looked when you didn't have a thousand things weighing on your mind. Rory had crawled in the bed in the middle of the night, he was wrapped around your waist with his head on your chest. Your arm was wrapped protectively around him. He couldn't deny that his biological clock ticked harder when he saw how good you were with children. How naturally you shifted into the roll of their protector and friend. Before now, he assumed any woman he’d settle down with would either already have children or would be too old to safely have any. But lately, he couldn't stop himself from daydreaming about the future.

Sonny showered before you woke up and sipped coffee while you bathed Rory and got yourself ready. You dressed him in an _"I heart New York"_ sweater that you'd bought him. It was still a little too big for him, you hadn't anticipated seeing him so soon. But it would be warm in the snow storm you were about to trek through. You and Sonny walked hand in hand with him down the steps in front of your building, but Rory stopped on the last step while the two of you let yourself down onto the concrete.

_ "Will you carry me?" _

You held your arms out, _"Yeah, sweetie. Here-"_

_"No, you!" _He pointed a finger at Sonny and smiled wide, _"I want to be tall!"_

_"You wanna be tall?? Well let's make you tall then!"_

You watched a playful twinkle shine in Sonny's eyes as he lifted the boy onto his shoulders. They walked into the precinct ahead of you and stopped at the wide doorway to the squad room.

_ "All right, all right, down you go!" _

Sonny lowered Rory to his feet and pointed him towards his desk, telling him to wait there for you. Rollins' desk was surrounded by Olivia and Fin, they waved you both over and you saw an old driver's license photo of Jacob blown up on her screen. 

Amanda pointed at the name, _"Jakobi Stanger from Salt Lake City, Utah. Former member of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. SLCPD were more than forthcoming with information about him."_

Fin folded his arms across his chest and continued, _"He was kicked out 10 years ago after multiple fights with other male members, he wanted their wives as their own."_

_S- "I thought those freaks were all about sharing their wives?"_

_A- "Not exactly. They're all about their wives sharing them, not the other way around."_

_C- "Okay, so how did you guys find him? He slip up and get himself put on the sex offender registry like most of those guys should be?"_

_A- "He's been arrested one time, 5 years ago for domestic assault in Salt Lake. TARU can't find any record of him moving to New York, or any other state for that matter."_

_O- "Has Rory given you anything else to work with?"_

_C- "I didn't press him any further, he fell asleep before we even got home last night."_

_O- "Great. The other kids aren't giving us much either and Social Services will be here by the end of the day to place them in foster homes until any relatives can be found. I think Rory is gonna be our best shot."_

You sighed hard, _"I don't want to traumatize him.. but I think you're right."_

_A- I'll get a space cleared up for you guys-"_

_C- "No, he isn't gonna open up to ME about this. He knows me too well, he's grown up around me."_

_O- "Okay so.. Huang? Amanda?"_

_C- "I think Sonny will have the best luck.."_

_S- "Me?"_

_C- "He's never had a stable father figure in his life. He wants to please any man he meets and he's already formed somewhat of a bond with you. YOU might not see it, but it's there."_

_F- "So what exactly does he need to do in order to get him to talk? He calls Jakobi "Daddy", he's not gonna cave the second a new man walks into his life."_

Huang's voice spoke from a few feet away, _"You're right, he isn't gonna fold by sitting in an interrogation room. But I don't think it'll take long.”_

He approached the desk and continued, _"The other children have barely spoken a word at all, even less since they were questioned about Jakobi. I suspect they've been with him much longer, they may even be his biological children. Jakobi's love for these children is likely conditional. They're scared to sell him out because the repercussions have been.. severe. Carisi, you need to spend quality time with him. Take him out to do something that HE wants to do for once."_

_S- "I don't know anything about this kids. Cal, what does he like?"_

_C- "He's four year old boy. He likes running around, breaking shit, being loud."_

_S- "Maybe if this were six months from now we could do that, but it's a damn blizzard outside!"_

_A- "That's perfect! This boy is from Tennessee, he's probably never seen snow in his life and never will see this much again."_

Gears started turning in Sonny's head, _"All right, get me a booster seat and some warmer clothes for him. I got this."_

You buckled Rory into the car seat tight and held your hand out for him to take.

_"You and Sonny are gonna go have so much fun, but you have to be good for him. Deal?"_

He shook his head enthusiastically, his curls bouncing against his forehead.

_"Do you think we could go see mama after?"_

_"I hope so, baby."_

You were looking into his deep green eyes, remembering the first time he opened them. You'd been so sure that they'd eventually change, like most babies do, into the dark hazelnut color that his mom's are. But they held true. You couldn't help but smile thinking back on your time watching him grow up.

_"You know I missed you, right punk?"_

He leaned in and hugged you tight around the neck, _"I missed you too, Aunt Cali."_

You hugged him back and then pulled back, puckering your lips, _"All right, gimme kisses."_

You pushed the door to your Outback closed and stood in front of Sonny, who was leaning against the car. He was smiling at you before you'd even turned around.

_"What?"_

_"Oh nothing, nothin'."_

_"Nuhuh, there's something going on in that big head of yours. Spill it."_

_"You just look good playin' "Mom", you know. You're a natural."_

_"Oh lord, you spent too much time around the squad and caught Baby Fever, didn't you?"_

_"Not yet, I'll let you know by the end of the day though."_

************ SONNY'S POV ************

I kissed her on the lips and head before watching her walk back into the precinct. I wasn't gonna tell _her _this, but if there _were_ ever a woman I'd consider making the mother of my children, it would be her. I started the car and adjusted the rear view mirror so Rory could see me. I asked him about his Mom and grandparents, about what he liked to do back in Tennessee. I avoided talking about Jakobi or what he went through since moving to New York, saving that for when he felt like he could trust me. It was a short drive made longer by the snow building on the streets. Luckily, Inwood Hill Park was almost empty since school had already started back. I parked and opened the hatch, pulling out a sled that had been sitting in Property for years. 

_"All right bud, hop on!"_

I opened his door and unbuckled his seat belt, turning around. He hopped onto my back and wrapped his arms around my neck. We made the hike to the top of the hill, he stared down it from over my shoulder. Then he spoke, his voice a tiny bit shaky.

_"Are- are you gonna come with me?"_

I kneeled down and let him jump off, replying at eye level with him.

_"I wanna do whatever you wanna do, Rory."_

His eyes shined differently when he heard me say that and he nodded his head quickly. I sat down behind him on the sled, my foot holding us on top of the hill.

_"You ready? Count with me."_

We counted down together, _"3-2-1!"_

I lifted my leg onto the sled and we went flying down the hill, he let out a high pitched scream that turned into an uncontrollable laugh. Snowflakes hit our faces as the ground abruptly leveled out, but the ice still had us sliding. I stuck my foot out to stop us, instead we rolled. Out of the sleigh and into a thick snow bank, his little body landing beside mine. I panicked at first, but he kept laughing. He jumped up to his feet and yelled out, "_Let's go again!" _while pulling on my hand. 

We climbed the hill over and over, towing the sled behind us and sliding back down into the bank. Jesus Christ this kid had a lot more energy than I did. An hour later I stood up at the bottom of the hill and he jumped up into my arms, hugging me. I froze for just a second before closing my eyes and hugging him back.

_"This time you're gonna go alone, okay?"_

He glanced up the hill with a worried look on his face.

_"But.. what if I can't do it?.."_

_"You CAN do it. I just watched you be brave 40 times, and I'm gonna be right here. I won't let anything bad happen to you, bud."_

He nodded his head and started back up the hill, stopping at the top and staring down at me.

_"You got this, Roar. I'm right here!"_

Rory lowered himself onto the sled and lifted his foot, sending him gliding down the hill. It went faster without me on it. He screamed and screamed, laughing in between. The sled was headed straight for me. I stepped to the side and lifted him off as it zoomed by, landing in the same snow bank that we'd crashed into dozens of times. He was laughing louder than ever in my ear and holding onto me tight, I couldn't help but laugh along with him. We loaded the sled into the back of the car and head out for some lunch, he wanted a burger. 

We stepped into Big Daddy's, a brightly colored, retro style diner. The waitress sat us and took our order. The child sized burger still looked massive in his small hands.

_"What do you usually eat, pal? You eat a lot of burgers when you're with your mom?"_

He'd been in New York for the past few months but his Tennessee accent was still thick.

_"Nuhuh. Jacob doesn't let us..."_

His voice trailed off and he looked down at his plate.

_"Hey, it's okay, Rory.. I'm not gonna get you in trouble, we don't have to tell Jacob."_

_"But if he finds out.. he'll be angry.."_

_"What does he do when he gets angry, buddy?"_

_"He.. he doesn't let me see my mama."_

_"Do you know where your mama goes when he gets mad?"_

_"They go downstairs."_

He was offering answers more willingly now, all while eating his cheeseburger and fries.

_"Your mom and Jacob go downstairs?"_

_"And the other mamas."_

The other moms of all those other kids..

_"Rory, have you ever been to the downstairs? Or seen the outside of Jacob's house?"_

_"Mhm, for Christmas we went to the park. The big one, with the hippos."_

_"Rory, I wanna take you to your mama. If we went to the park with the hippos, do you think you could show me how to get to Jacob's house?"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I posted a comment earlier today that this was going to be an exceptionally long chapter, but it got waaaayyyy too long. So I decided to split it up into two seperate chapters. The second chapter will be up either tonight or in just a few days.  
I would really love it if you guys could share any thoughts or comments, especially if anyone has any suggestions on how they'd like yours and Sonny's relationship to progress.  
Thank you to everyone that's reading!
> 
> P.S. I went back and added photos of some of your outfits from the first few chapters. Go back and have a look!


	15. The Grey House

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pretty much just fluff and smut because I’m trash.

Sonny rushed back into the precinct with Rory holding his hand, they went into the child interrogation room. It was filled with toys, tiny furniture and art. Sonny sat him down at a small table and put a piece of paper in front of him with a pack of Crayola markers. He asked him to draw a picture of the house he'd been staying in and anything else he remembered. Sonny closed the door to the room, running into you on the other side.

_ "Well you seem to be in a rush, have a breakthrough?" _

Sonny grabbed you by the shoulders, _"Jakobi has every single one of those kids' moms in that house. Rory said that he puts them all downstairs if ANYONE makes him angry, he separates the parents from their children as a form of control."_

He led you to the map of Manhattan that was hanging on the squad room wall, pointing at Central Park West.

_ "Rory said that for Christmas, Jakobi took everyone to a big park with hippos in it. That's Safari Playground." _

Olivia walked up to the map, _"Okay, so if he's dragging around 24 people he's gotta be keeping them somewhere close."_

_ "He said he might could show us how to get to the house from the park. It's a big, grey house with a bird bath in the front yard. He's drawing a picture of it now." _

_ O- "Okay, Sonny, you and Cal take Rory to the park and have him tell you where to go from there." _

_ F- "Liv, you want me to call ESU?" _

_ O- "No, if they aren't there I don't want him hearing on the news that SWAT was in his neighborhood. I want you guys to be as discreet as possible, don't even THINK about making entry without backup, do you understand?" _

You and Sonny agreed and grabbed Rory from the kid's room, strapping him back into his booster seat. You got to Safari Park and it hit you.. that you might be about to see your oldest friend again. And you had no idea what shape she would be in, if she would even look like the same person.. 

_ "Okay, Roar, I'm gonna drive real slow. You just tell me if you remember turning anywhere, got it?" _

_ "Got it, Sonny!" _

He gave Sonny directions for 35-40 minutes, telling him to turn dozens of times and taking you over the Brooklyn Bridge. You eventually got to a residential neighborhood in Bay Ridge, Rory peaked his little head over the window. Like he was scared someone was gonna see him. You held the picture he drew up in front of your face, a grey house with darker shutters and a small bird bath in the front yard. 

_ "There it is!"_

_ _

Sonny slammed on the brakes and you dropped the paper, the house was right in front of you. Thank God the child lock was on, Rory unbuckled his seatbelt faster than you could stop him and tried to jump out of the car. 

_ "Drive down to the corner, babe." _

You unbuckled as Sonny parked and told him you'd be right back. He told you to be cautious and radio him the second you saw anything suspicious. You walked as casually as possible down the sidewalk, the driveway to the house was empty and there wasn't a garage or much of a backyard for Jakobi to hide a car in. You creeped up the gravel and to one of the windows, one hand on your gun the whole time. You tried every window, the front door, everything. It was all locked. The ground floor looked like no one had set foot in it in months.

You took your seat back on the passenger side of the vehicle and pulled your phone out, calling Liv.

_ “451 Windsor St, it doesn’t look like anyone’s here. I want an undercover car watching this neighborhood 24/7 until someone comes home.” _

You and Sonny sat at the intersection until you saw an unmarked car pull up, the two officers nodded you off and Sonny started back toward the precinct. It was pushing 4 o’clock, two case workers had already arrived in a big van to pick up the other kids. You couldn’t help but feel guilty that these kids would be sleeping on a cot or in a stranger’s spare bedroom while Rory got to stay somewhere comfortable with someone he was familiar with. You held onto him tight in the doorway, scared that someone was going to try and rip him away from you. 

_ “It’s not your fault, you know. You don’t have enough air mattresses for all of them.” _

Sonny’s hand rested on your shoulder as he too watched them all getting ushered into the van outside. 

Fin came through the doors, escorting in an older couple. The woman had long, grey hair. The man was wearing a ball cap that covered his bald head, it was Hana’s parents. Rory jumped out of your arms and ran to them, excitedly yelling, _“Papaw!”_

Beth embraced you and you felt right back at home in her arms, but her voice was shaky when she spoke,_ “All these kids? They were with Rory?”_

You just nodded on her shoulder until she pulled away. 

_ “You know I’m not gonna stop until I find her. We don’t know any specifics just yet, if she’s a victim or a suspect.. but I’ve got you guys on speed dial. You’ll know as soon as I do.” _

Olivia walked up to your group and extended her hand,_ “I’m Lieutenant Olivia Benson, thank you guys for coming on such short notice. Rory here has been an amazing help.”_

Hana’s Dad, Tom, shook her hand and replied, _“Thank YOU guys for taking such good care of our boy until we could get here. I wish we could stay longer to catch up, Cali, but our flight leaves in an hour.”_

Olivia pulled out her phone to make a call,_ “I’ll arrange for a patrol car to take you straight to the airport.”_

She stepped away and you introduced them to Sonny as your second parents, he told them about the day he had with Rory. Tom smiled and told you both how grateful he was. 10 minutes later there was a patrol car waiting for them outside, Beth spoke. 

_ “All right, Roar, we gotta say goodbye.” _

Rory’s face dropped,_ “Oh, we gotta go away now?..”_

Tom put Rory on his feet and Sonny crouched down to his level, _“We’re saying ‘see you later’, not goodbye. Here in a few months, when it gets warm outside, me and your Aunt Cali will be down there to see ya.”_

Rory managed a little smile and looked up at you, _“You promise?”_

_ ”I swear, buddy. Come on, give us hugs!” _

Sonny swept him up in his arms and the two of you embraced him in a group hug. 

_ “I love you, Roar. Your mama will be home with you soon, too.” _

Rory gave you a big kiss on the lips and took his papaw’s hand, following them out the door. You watched as the patrol car sped away. 

_ “That’s a good kid you helped raise, babe.” _

_ “I know. You never stop worrying about them.. and with good reason.” _

You felt a little better as the night went on, atleast Rory was headed back home with his grandparents. Far away from this city and the man whose motives you still didn't quite understand. You sat at your desk alone, scrolling through your old high school pictures on Facebook. Your mind wandering back to the days before everything got so complicated.. Sonny reached across his desk to yours and took your hand.

_"Stop. You're worrying yourself too much, we're gonna find her."_

You took a deep breath and closed your phone, laying it face down.

_"I can't help it, Sonny. I've always worried about her.. This isn't like her. Even when we were having dumb fights, she'd still atleast tag me in dumb shit on facebook."_

He rolled over to your side of the desk in his chair and held both of your hands in his, bringing one up to his lips and kissing it.

_"Have you eaten? I haven't seen you so much as LOOK at anything but coffee for the past two days."_

_"It'll be good for me, I've gained 10 fucking pounds since you started stuffing me full of Italian food every other night."_

_"God, I wasn't gonna say anything but since you brought it up, your ass is lookin'-"_

Your stoic expression broke into a smile and you pushed your hand against his mouth playfully, speaking to him in a low voice.

_"Notttt herreeee,_ _babe. I like working in SVU and I like working with YOU as my partner. You want me getting reassigned to another hunky detective in homicide or some shit?"_

_"Come on, you need a break. We deserve some **good **food and we havent't went out on a real date in weeks."_

_"I don't know, Sonny. I'm tired and I didn't even get the chance to shower this morning..."_

_"Nope, I’m making an executive decision! I'll go tell Liv we're dipping out early, pack up!"_

You pursed your lips at him as he trotted towards Olivia's office. You couldn't deny that it was nice though, having someone that took care of you when you were busy taking care of everyone else. The two of you walked hand in hand through the snow back to your apartment, taking your time and enjoying each others company. He was right, the past few weeks had been so busy that you hadn't really had time to spend just _together._

You showered and blow dried your hair, letting it fall into long, loose curls. Stepping out of the master bathroom you saw Sonny adjusting his tie in the full sized mirror. He was dressed in a fully blacked out suit - Black pants, black shirt, black tie and black jacket. You felt a fire sparking in your chest.

_"Mm, you were right. I am feeling hungry.."_

He flashed you a crooked smile over his shoulder before turning around, his hands in his pockets and cocking his hip.

_"Oh yeah? You like it?"_

_"Maybe we should just say fuck it to dinner. Come on, we can order take out."_

You pouted your lips at him and swung your hips gently as you walked his way, pulling loose the knot on your robe. He cut his eyes at you but didn't stop his hands from snaking their way around your waist, savvy to what you were trying to pull.

_"I don't think so, doll. I've been dreaming about seeing you in that lace dress again for weeks.."_

But if he wanted to play hardball, you were gonna play it right back. One of your hands ran along his jawline, the other gripping his bicep. Your lips barely seperated from his.

_"Yeah? Wait for me in the living room, I can do **much **better.."_

He stepped out of the room and a few moments later you followed after him. You saw the hunger grow in his eyes as his lips parted just slightly. You were dressed in a tight, emerald green, velvet dress. It was long sleeved with a low cut and high slit. 

_"You know, Cal, now that I'm thinking about it-"_

_"You missed your shot, Detective. You're the one who wanted to play this game. And I'm not missing out on a dinner that I've gotta break out the big guns for."_

Sonny sighed hard, regretting his decision and sliding his fingers against the fabric that was gripping your waist. You kissed his neck, trailing your lips up to his ear and whispering to him.

_"But maybe if you're good, I'll be extra sweet to you when we get home..."_

************ SONNY'S POV ************

My heart was beating as fast as the first time I ever picked up a porno magazine. After weeks of watching her love on one toddler after another, I was being reminded that she was still a 25 year old. A 25 year old with curves that I would genuinely consider killing someone to get to. I let her walk ahead of me while I took my time locking the door just so I could watch her fucking beautiful hips sway. I'd just been struck by Cupid's arrow all over again.

We caught a cab to Morton's Steakhouse on 5th Ave. I'd actually been planning this night since New Years Eve. Something had clicked in my head that night, watching her sip chardonnay and tasting the sweetness on her lips with the clock struck midnight. It was like everything in our lives were falling right into place. 

She checked the time as we were seated at the restaurant, I caught a glipse of her lock screen as she laid it face up on the table. 

_"What's that photo? The one on your lock screen."_

She smiled and grabbed it.

_"Damn, took you a whole day and a half to notice it."_

She unlocked her phone and scrolled through it for a second before turning the screen toward me. It was a photo of me and Rory, taken from behind. From when he was riding on my shoulders on our way to the precinct yesterday morning.

_"Your turn."_

I pulled my phone from the inside pocket of my suit and slid it across the table. She clicked it open and laughed, covering the screen with her hand. It was the photo I'd snapped of her when we were decorating the Christmas tree with her family. The one of her holding up her elementary school photo next to her face. I remember thinking she looked so beautiful in that moment and was reminded of it every time I looked at my lock screen.

_"What?? You looked so cute, so happy!"_

She smiled and reached her hand across the table palm up, I held it with both of mine.

_"I love my family and miss them like crazy.. but I think I'm much happier right where I am."_

I was trying so hard to find the right moment, but it was like a lump stuck in my throat. Every time I tried to say it I felt like I hadn't drank a drop of water in ten years. I almost coughed it out once, but our waiter came to take our order at the worst time.

_"You ever thought about havin' any kids of your own? You're great with them, you know."_

_"I think about it sometimes. Like when I look at you with your nephew. But I don't know.. my IUD last another 4 years so I still have time to make up my mind."_

_"Oh my god, I was starting to wonder! I've never seen you take a pill so I was getting worried you were trying to trap me or something!"_

She laughed while sipping her wine, leaning back in her chair like she was calling my bluff.

_"**Me **trapping **you**??"_

She leaned towards the table, resting her chin on her hand. She lowered her voice to nearly a whisper and I watched her eyes darken..

_"You were having doubts about me **actually** being on birth control, yet never once tried to cum anywhere besides deep.. deep inside of me. Why is that?"_

I couldn't remember how to speak and didn't know what to say even if I could. There's no way she couldn't see how hard my chest was rising and falling. Our waiter sat our meals down in front of us, I couldn't manage to thank him or even look him in the eyes. 

_"You know you've still got plenty of time, right?"_

_"To have kids? Yeah, I know.. honestly, the thought of being old as shit when I finally have my first does scare the shit out of me, though."_

I didn't have to explain myself to her. She just understood, like she did everything else. We ate our dinner and flirted just like we used to, like we did before either of us realized we were flirting with each other. We waited for a taxi arm in arm outside of the restaurant.

_"Did you really ask Amanda if she thought I was into older guys my first day at the precinct?"_

Oh yeah. That first day she stopped in.. it wasn’t even her first day on the job. She'd been out for a jog and decided to stop by to meet the squad. I'd forgotten all about the way her skin glistened with sweat as she caught her breath until now.

_"God, I can't tell her shit.. She really told you about that?"_

_"Mhm, don't trust women with secrets, babe. We tell each other everything."_

_"Well now that I'm caught.. I **may** have asked her what sort of guy she thought you'd be into."_

_"Why did you take so long to make a move then?"_

I followed behind her into the taxi, _"I dunno.. fear, maybe? You're a fucking great partner and a really good friend. Why ruin a good thing, y'know?"_

She shifted onto my lap and ran her fingers through the back of my hair, my hand went to her thigh out of habit. I locked eyes with the driver's for a split second before he darted them back to the road in front of him.

_"At the expense of missing out on this?"_

Her face dipped close to mine, I could smell her sweet breath. My jaw clenched and my hand slid further up her thigh.

_"I plan on making up for lost time, trust me.."_

************ END POVS ************

You pushed Sonny back on the couch in your living room, straddling his lap and letting your lips meet his. Your tongues danced together slowly as he ran his fingers over the velvet fabric of your dress, pawing at the zipper. He spoke to you between kisses.

_"I want - your beautiful, - beautiful ass - in that bedroom - right. fucking. now."_

Sonny wasn't always over-assertive in bed. So you liked to tease him, sometimes all day long, to compel into taking the reigns. And when he finally did, it made you absolutely fucking melt. 

_"How about you stay right here for now.. I've got something for you."_

_"For me? What is it?"_

You ignored his confused questioning and left him for the bedroom. Taking your time, making him wait. You ran your fingers through your hair a few times and changed into a strappy, black lingerie set that you'd bought just for him.

You stopped outside of your bedroom door, eyeing Sonny. He was standing at the end of the hallway with his back turned to you. 

_"Couldn't bare to sit still for just ten minutes?"_

He turned around and you saw him suck in his breath, holding it. He unbuttoned his jacket, tossing it over the recliner and began loosening his tie. Sonny marched toward you. You stepped backwards inside the room and he slammed the door behind him. You didn't miss a beat, pushing him against the door and locking your lips with his. He slowed the moment his hands hit your body. You trailed kisses down his throat, biting him just a little too hard. Purposefully. You wanted other women to know he was yours. Your fingers finished unbuttoning his shirt for him and slid it off his shoulders. You whispered to him while nibbling on his ear.

_"Go sit on the bed."_

Releasing your pin on him against the door, he did as he was told. Neither of you ever taking your eyes off of each other. He took his seat and watched you walk over towards him, you stood between his legs. Your hand stroking his cheek and loving the feeling of the stubble on his face. You never broke eye contact when you dropped slowly to your knees in front of him. He kissed you once, so softly, before resting his hands behind him on the bed.

You held him in your hands and licked up his shaft slowly, sliding your lips around the head. You closed your eyes and worked on taking all of him in your mouth. Spit dripped down your hand and over his balls. You sucked gently at first, gradually going harder. Working your mouth up and down him. Sonny wrapped his hand around your hair, holding it out of your face and guiding your head at a pace that kept him just close enough to unloading but didn’t quite push him over the edge. 

He lifted you to your feet and pulled you on to the bed, the two of you rolling around in the sheets. Your lips kissing whatever piece of skin they could reach. He was gripping your hip and holding you underneath him, pulling your face to his hard by the back of the neck. The kiss hit you like a ton of bricks, your hands slowing their movement over his body. He loosened his grip on you as his hands slid down, you opened your thighs and let him rest between them. His kiss got deeper, slower. Sounds of your lips and tongues sliding against each other filled the room. 

Sonny slipped his hand between your legs, pulling the strappy underwear to the side and sliding himself up and down you. You melted against his lips. Moaning quietly into his mouth. You lifted one leg and wrapped it around his waist, pulling him closer to you. He slid inside you slowly and your hand grasped for the headboard above. 

He let out a deep groan, after a week of barely having any time alone together, he felt like he was going to burst. But he paced himself and it was driving you over the edge. He thrust slow and deep, holding himself inside of you. You couldn’t stop yourself from moaning breathy curse words in his ear every time he crashed down into you. 

_“Fucking... Shit... Sonny.. God, please.. Please don’t stop...”_

Sonny grind his hips against yours, knowing it would send you over the edge. You dug your nails into the skin on his shoulder blades, his forehead resting on yours. He’d always loved watching you come undone.. seeing all of your dominance and control melt away against the sheets. Your back arched underneath him. Neither of you could hold back any longer. 

You laid on Sonny’s chest with one leg over his waist. He ran his fingertips up and down your spine as yours slowly scratched his scalp, playing with his hair. You were leaving each other little kisses on the lips, coming down from your highs.

_“You ever think God made you just for me?”_

You chucked and shook your head. 

_“Nope. He probably made you a sweet, Italian, catholic girl. She would've went to Mass with you every Sunday and popped you out a few babies by now."_

_"Nah, God knows I would've gotten bored of that by now."_

_"Just pray that your girl didn't find herself with whatever asshole was probably made for me... God help her if she did."_

You sat up ontop of him, running your hands through his light chest hair. Your hair messily fell beside your face as Sonny looked up at you.

_"But that's her loss, I'm not giving you up now."_

He was so close to saying it.. everything felt so right. He was trying to work up the nerve.. when your phone rang. That damn phone, it was always ruining things. You leaned over to the night stand and grabbed it.

_"Private. Should I answer?"_

The moment was already lost anyways. Sonny shrugged his shoulders and nodded.

_"Jack."_

He watched your face drop. His heart sped up and he tried to hold you down but you threw your leg over him and off of the bed. 

_"Hana.. where are you."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you guys think in the comments. If you have any criticism, suggestions, anything you would personally like to happen, whatever, I would love to hear all of it. Everyone have a great Labor Day!
> 
> P.S. - Peep the tags and characters I've added. Ya'll are gonna hate me here in the next few chapters...


	16. Hostage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna go ahead and apologize for this chapter in advance.

You were grabbing whatever clothes you could find off the floor and pulling them on. 

_ “Where are you?? Are you okay??” _

_ “I’ll call Liv.” _

_ “Listen to me right now. I don’t care what you have to do. Fight, hide, I swear I’ll be there soon.” _

Sonny was scrambling to pull up his pants while dialing Olivia’s phone number. 

_ “No! Hana, please, don’t hang up!-“ _

The line dropped with your heart and your arms fell to your side. 

_ “Where is she??” _

Your voice wasn’t eager and anxious anymore. It was calmed, quite and broken. 

_ “When Rory said “downstairs” he meant the fucking basement. She was there when we were earlier. He was gone and we missed our fucking chance.” _

_ “We had no way of knowing that, babe. We didn’t even know there was a basement until now.” _

_ “We could’ve gotten her earlier, Sonny.” _

_ “And were STILL gonna get her.” _

_ “Yeah, after he barricades himself in the house and ESU rushes in!” _

_ “Just come on!” _

You pulled on a hoodie and jeans and ran to your car. Sonny called Olivia and the rest of the squad while you called ESU. You could hear all of them trailing behind you across the bridge. 

Your Subaru was the first one to pull up in front of the house. There you saw a man sitting on the front porch. The porch light was flickering but your headlights illuminated the yard. He had a thick, medium length beard with short, dark hair. He was tall and husky, and had a rifle propped against the wall beside him. He didn’t look angered by your presence, it seemed like he’d been expecting it. Like a dad waiting up for his teenage daughter that was getting home way, way past curfew. Your hand reached for the door handle. 

_ “Stop. Wait for ESU, they’ll be here in a few minutes.” _

But you ignored his request and stepped outside of the vehicle, approaching the end of the driveway. Sonny followed closely behind you. 

_ “Jakobi, my name is Detective Jack. This is my partner, Detective Carisi. We’d appreciate it if you could step off the porch and have a word with us.” _

He leaned forward and reached for his rifle, yours and Sonny’s hands went to your handguns as well. 

Sonny stuck his other hand out in front of him, _“We’re gonna need you to come down here without the weapon, please.”_

_ “I respectfully decline, Officer. It is my God given right to protect my home when it is under any threat of seizure.” _

Your hand rested on your gun. He didn’t want to use the rifle, but you knew that he would if you got any closer. 

_ “Sir, we aren’t here to seize-“ _

_ “I know what you’re here to do. You’re here to seize my girls. I’m sorry but I can’t let you do that.” _

He grabbed the rifle upright. Both you and Sonny drew your weapons, pointing them at him. Jakobi saw the tactical bus barreling down the street, followed by multiple police cars with their sirens blaring. Sonny yelled over them, _“Jakobi, put down the gun!”_

He reached for the door and opened it, rushing inside and slamming it behind him. 

You holstered your gun and screamed to yourself, _“God FUCKING damn it!”_

Olivia and Amanda jumped out of one of the cars, running over to you. They tossed you both a pair of bullet proof vests. 

_ O- “What happened??” _

_ “Hana called me. She said that she was locked in a basement and that she’s uh..”  _ You choked up, your voice cracking. Holding back tears you tried to finish,_ “that she’s pregnant.”_

_ S- “Oh, God.” _

_ O- “Okay, Tucker is on his way to negotiate. He’ll be-“ _

You laughed at how fucking ridiculous it all sounded now that it was someone YOU loved. You’d told countless families to just be patient, that everything was gonna be okay. 

_ C- “We don’t have time to fucking wait around for a negotiator. Dude’s a sovereign citizen, talking isn’t gonna work.” _

_ A- “Sovereign citizen?” _

_ S- “They think they can just revoke their citizenship and don’t have to follow the same laws as anyone else. It’s all bullshit.” _

_ A- “Great, I’m assuming they don’t care much about our gun laws then.” _

_ C- “They’re known to be a severe threat to law enforcement. Liv, promise me I will be the first one in there. Please, that’s all I’m asking.” _

Sonny grabbed your forearm and turned you toward him, pulling you away from your teammates. It made the hair on the back of your neck stand up..  _ “Absolutely not, Cali. That is NOT happening.” _

You looked him dead in the eye, giving him a second to realize that he’d made a big mistake,  _ “I’m gonna tell you this one time. Get your damn hand off of me.” _

He loosened his grip as his expression softened, sliding his hand down to yours.,  _ “I’m sorry.. You know I-“ _

_ “We’ll talk about it later.” _

You jerked your hand from his and walked back to your squad, Sonny trailing behind you. Tucker hopped out of an unmarked car, wrapped in a pea coat and grabbed a vest from the tactical truck before joining your group.

_ T- “Give me the run down, quick.” _

_ O- “Jakobi Stanger, sovereign citizen. Multiple females inside, 12, possibly more. One is pregnant and the last we heard she was in the basement. At least one rifle.” _

Tucker didn’t look scared but he knew the severity of the situation. ESU and other officers started evacuating the surrounding houses while scoping out other entrances and exits. The anxiety was making you nauseous.. you couldn’t help but feel like you’d failed. Failed your best friend, her family and your squad. But even more so you were pissed. Pissed that Sonny was letting his emotions cause him to treat you like a ride along instead of his partner. 

_ T- “Jack, do we have a home phone or cell number to call this guy on?” _

_ C- “No, Hana called me from private. We haven’t been able to find a phone number registered to him that works.” _

_ A- “You gonna attempt contact over the loud speaker?” _

Tucker climbed up the Bearcat and was handed the radio by one of the officers inside. His voice booming out of the speakers and through the quiet neighborhood,  _ “MR. STANGER, WE’D LIKE TO REASON WITH YOU. MY NAME IS ED TUCKER. IS THERE ANY WAY YOU CAN GET IN CONTACT WITH US?” _

You all waited for what felt like an eternity. It was standard procedure, you can’t expect the suspect of a hostage situation to open up right away. But it was agonizing., not knowing what was going on inside that house. Tucker spent an hour repeating himself every 15 minutes or so. 

_ C- “This is fucking useless..” _

_ T- "Yeah, it is.. Olivia, if he doesn't make a move soon we're gonna have to go in." _

_ O- "All right.. Medics and Fire are staging down the street, right?" _

_ C- "That's right. Listen, I still want to be the first person in there, Liv. I have to make sure she's safe.." _

Olivia's eyes darted to Sonny and then locked with Tucker. He didn't look happy, but he understood from his hostage situation with Olivia years ago. His lips pursed into a thin line and he nodded at your lieutenant.

_O- "Fine. But the rest of us are right behind you."_  


And he didn't make a move. Why would he? To him, you were just strangers trying to take his property. You were trying to hide the fact that your hands were shaking and your stomach was turning as you held tight onto the battering ram. It was freezing out but you could feel your palms collecting sweat. Tucker announced over the loud speaker one last time.

_T- "Jakobi, surrender yourself now or we're coming in!"_  


Nothing. No sounds on the other side of the door. 

_ A- "All right, 1 - 2 -"  _ _ ** BAM! ** _

It took a single blow to the wooden slab to pop it open. You rushed inside, gun in front of you with your flashlight perched above it. You and Sonny got separated in the madness. ESU rushed upstairs and your team mates took the downstairs rooms at the back of the house. You searched the dining room and kitchen, looking for any sign that **anyone **lived here. But the place was empty. You heard other voices yelling "_CLEAR!"_ from the second floor, your hope falling lower and lower every single time. You opened every door, every cabinet, looking for an entrance to the supposed "basement" that Hana and Rory mentioned. Your eyes fell to the dining room table that was covered in dust, resisting the urge to slam your fists down onto it. 

Then you noticed the hand prints on it, they looked fresh. There was a runner beneath the table. It looked heavily trafficked and the hardwood floor around it was lined with scratch marks from being pushed back and forth. 

You kicked the runner to the side, the floor was a different washed shade underneath with a tiny lip between the boards. You pushed the table to the side as gently as you could so that it wouldn't make a sound against the ground. It was gonna piss off Sonny, not to mention Olivia, but you knew how this would play out if you all stormed down there. You lifted the hatch and set it down as slowly as possible. The hole was narrow and dark, you adverted your light away from it. There was a steep stairway leading from the ground floor down into what seemed like a bottomless pit. You switched off your light and lowered your first foot down, gun still in front of you. It creaked. So did the next one, and the next one, and the next one. The air felt colder the further you went until finally you weren't stepping onto a tiny wooden two by four. You were stepping onto a dirt floor with both feet. You lifted your flashlight and flipped it on, directly in front of you. 

Hana's hazelnut eyes shone in the light. Tears were streaming down her face and her jaw was clenched so tight you could see her straining. 

_ "HANA-" _

You forgot every drop of training you'd ever had when you saw her pained face. Rushing toward her, you barely heard her scream before seeing the flash of metal swinging in front of you.

_ "CAL WATCH OUT!" _

It knocked the breath right out of you and you fell to your knees, gasping for air and gripping your stomach. He'd swung his rifle into you like a baseball bat, you were the ball and he'd just hit a grand slam. You were still clenching your flashlight and you shined it above you, seeing Jakobi's empty expression peering down at you. He didn't utter a word before hoisting his leg behind him and kicking you in the stomach over and over. You couldn't even scream, feeling your insides bouncing off of each other. He leaned down near your hunched over, broken body.

_ "You can blame yourself for this." _

Standing straight up, he pointed the rifle at your best friend. You looked up just in time to see her life flash before her eyes. Then the bang. In the same second you heard a dozen footsteps above your head, rushing towards the sound of the gunshot. It took everything in you to lift your arm. 

But you did, and despite your body feeling weak and heavy, you didn't feel the pain. You didn't pause or wince before cocking your gun and pulling the trigger. You'd been trained to shoot to disarm, but your training was useless here. One shot to the head. Probably the cleanest shot you ever made. He hit the ground as soon as the lights flipped on and your squad came rushing down the stairs. In the light, you realized what was happening, you dropped your gun. There was blood pooling onto Hana's white shirt and you could clearly see her swollen belly. You crawled over to her and pulled her over your lap. Everything around you sounded like you were underwater, you saw Amanda rush over to Jakobi and think she announced that he was gone. 

You held your hand over the gushing wound on her chest. 

_"Just hang on baby, stay with me! We're gonna get you outta here!"_  


But you could feel the blood slowing down, and not in a clotting type of way. You didn't even hear yourself scream, _"GET THE FUCKING MEDICS DOWN HERE NOW!!!"_

She lifted her hand to yours and held it loosely. Your mouth fell open and tears filled your eyes, holding her face with your other hand. 

_ "Don't, Hana, please. Please don't go! Please, I can't do this without you, just hold on.." _

You were begging, pleading. Not even with her, with a God that you hadn't prayed to in years. When she spoke it was barely a whisper, _"Did you find Rory?"_

_ "He's safe, he's back home and he's WAITING for you, Hana. PLEASE, just STAY WITH WITH ME." _

Medics were rushing down the stairs behind you and officers were ushering the other women up them, women you hadn't even noticed were down there. You hadn't noticed Sonny's hand on your back either because you were so numb.

_ "Tell him I love him... and I love you." _

Tears flooded your cheeks as you watched the light leave her eyes. All you could hear was a shrill ringing in your ears as your world crashed around you.

_ "No don't do this! Please, please, I love you, please!" _

Sonny dragged you away from her body as the medics started on her, he dropped to the dirt floor with you and wrapped you in his arms. Holding your face to his chest so that you didn't have to watch. You shook and screamed and begged God to let you take her place. It didn't matter how tight Sonny held you, you couldn't feel anything. Not until your swollen, red face hit the cold air outside of the house. And even then, all you felt was sick. The bruises were forming on your arms and torso, but no one could see them. 

_ O- "I want all of you back at the station for a debriefing immediately." _

_ C- "For what?... You guys didn't see anything, I'll just go talk to Huang in the morning." _

She stopped walking in front of you suddently, turning to face you. You almost ran right into her and probably would have if it weren't for Sonny's hold on your shoulders. 

_ O- "It isn't up for discussion, Jack." _

Lifting yourself up into the passanger seat of your Subaru you were suddenly aware of the aching in your body. The tinge in your back and slight cramping in your stomach. Sonny followed and paused before starting the engine, his voice soft and low.

_ "What the hell were you thinking, Cali?" _

The ringing in your ears had been replaced by a pounding headache.

_ "Just.. drive, please." _

He scoffed and turned the key in the ignition, starting the drive back toward the precinct in silence. It took almost the entire car ride before you heard his voice again, this time louder. Angrier.

_ "So what, you don't wanna talk about what happened back there?" _

_ "That's why we're going to this bullshit debriefing, isn't it?" _

You knew how cold you sounded, but it was because you were trying not to sound like your body was screaming on the inside. He stopped and looked at you like you were a stranger impersonating his girlfriend. Your weak, trembling legs dragging you into the precinct ahead of him. The rest of your squad was already there. You sat on the edge of your desk, looking down at your feet as Sonny stormed in after you, his voice booming. 

_ "What the FUCK is up with you, Cal?? Our last THREE cases you've damn near gotten yourself raped or killed!" _

You couldn't manage to raise your voice anywhere near as loud as his. You couldn't even bare to lift your head and look him in the yes. Your whole body burned. 

_ "And we've gotten all of them, haven't we?" _

Amanda tried to step in, grabbing Sonny by the arms and attempting to stop him from marching your direction,  _ "Whoa! Hey, guys, let's lower-" _

_ "HAVE we?? You consider shooting Jakobi in the head 'getting him'?!" _

You sighed hard and your hand went to your face, your skin was burning. But your sigh of pain sounded like a sign of boredom to Sonny's ears. If you could've looked at him you would've seen that he was fuming.

_ "Liv, if this is how it's gonna go then I can't do this tonight." _

_ O- "NO, this ISN'T how-" _

Sonny yelled over her, _"You're supposed to be my PARTNER, Cal! I'm supposed to protect you and you're supposed to protect me! But lately it's a hell of a lot more me protecting you when you run off doing whatever the hell you wanna do!"_

Your body came off of your desk and your hands off of your face, meeting his chest. Shoving him and screaming, finally looking him in the eyes. 

_ "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! I JUST WATCHED MY BEST FRIEND, MY OTHER HALF, DIE IN MY FUCKING ARMS! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME, SONNY? WHY?!" _

You could barely see him through your spinning, blurred vision. It felt like the middle of summer and you were wearing a jacket, you winced as Sonny grabbed you by the shoulders.

_ "BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, CALI!" _

A stabbing pain jolted through your abdomen, your whole squad witnessed all the color drain from you. You were gasping for air, barely able to get the words out.

_ "Help... help me.." _

Everything faded to black around you as you collapsed, Sonny caught you and lowered himself to the ground with you. His eyes scanned your body, looking for an injury, something. Amanda and Olivia rushed over.

_ "Oh, God.." _

Blood was staining your jeans like a broken ink pen spilling out onto a blank sheet of paper. 

_ O- "I need a bus to Manhattan SVU precinct ASAP, officer with severe vaginal bleeding, possibly hemorrhaging." _

You were in and out of consciousness during the EMS ride to Mercy Hospital. It felt like a dream, you couldn't feel anything below the waist and you could somewhat hear Sonny's voice through the loud sirens.

_ "She has an IUD. No, I don't know which one!" _

You fell asleep again in a wave of morphine.. waking up a few hours later to an elderly man shining a light in your eyes.

_ "Ms. Jack.. Ms. Jack, can you hear me?" _

You slowly held your eyes open on your own and your vision focused. You looked down at your arms, at the IVs and blood pressure cuff, the heart rate monitor on your finger.. And then around the room.

_ "What.. where am I?" _

_ "Ms. Jack, my name is Dr. Callahan. Do you remember how you got here?" _

Your voice was raspy from the cotton mouth caused by the morphine.

_ "No, I remember arguing with my partner and then.. nothing.." _

_ "Well, it looks like you experienced a severe blow to your abdomen and torso area. You've got a few broken ribs, those should heal quickly. When they brought you in you were hemorrhaging from a perforated uterus." _

_ "I'm sorry, what does that mean?" _

_ "The hit you took caused your IUD to pierce through your uterus. Thankfully, it didn't expel all the way through the wall. We were able to extract it without performing invasive surgery, but we will have to keep you here at least overnight to make sure you don't hemorrhage again or become septic." _

_ "Okay.. I think I understand. Thank you, Doctor." _

Dr. Callahan sat up straight in his chair, he looked more serious now..

_ "Ms. Jack.. there's something else. Were you aware that you were six weeks pregnant?" _

As if you could've taken anything else tonight. You weren't sure if he was being serious or if this was a sick joke that Sonny had arraigned to make you think more carefully about your actions.. No, you knew he wouldn't do that.

_ "I've been on the IUD for almost a year, I don't think that's possible." _

_ "I'm very sorry to tell you this but it's true. I believe your IUD was already in the process of expelling due to your pregnancy. The perforation alone wouldn't have caused hemorrhaging that severe. It was a combination of the perforation, the device pushing back through your cervix, and unforunately.. the miscarriage." _

Your hand covered your mouth, you felt nauseous. 

_ "Okay.. is there anyone in the waiting room for me?" _

_ "Yes, they followed the ambulance here." _

_ "Will you ask my Lieutenant to come back alone, please?" _

He stepped out of the room and you tasted salt on your lips. You didn't feel yourself crying but you knew that you were and couldn't stop it. The emotional pain was ten times worse than how you felt physically. When you moved here a year ago.. you thought you'd be escaping the pain. Not throwing yourself into a tornado of more trauma. Olivia knocked on the door before entering, you couldn't help but to smile seeing her beautiful face.

_ "Hey, Cal, how feelin'?" _

She took the seat beside your bed and rested her arms on the railing. 

_ "Honestly, I can't feel much of anything.. Liv, I'm so-" _

Her voice dropped down to a whisper and cracked, _"You don't need to apologize for anything, sweetie.. Because of you, 11 women are going home to their children tonight. Eleven kids still have their mothers."_

_"I do, though. I'm sorry. I've acted out of impulse these last months and I'm so, so sorry. I know better, I was trained better than that."_

She grabbed your hand and squeezed tight, _"If I thought you didn't know what you were doing, I would've stopped you before now.. but you do need to take some time off of work, Cal. And I need you to get cleared by Huang before returning."_

_"I know.. I need some time to myself, to figure things out.."_

You looked up from the hand that was holding her and into her eyes, they were growing misty. 

_ "Liv.. can I confide in you?" _

She nodded her head, _"Of course, always."_

You struggled to get the words out and your lips quivered, saying it was so much worse than hearing it. Like saying it was gonna make it real. 

_ "Jakobi, he um.. he hit me in the waist when I got down there. I fell down and he kicked me a few times before.." _

Your voice cracked when you remembered what happened earlier in the night.

_ "The doctor said that the blow caused me to miscarry.." _

Olivia's expression shifted from supportive to pained in the blink of an eye, _"Oh my god, Cali.. I'm so sorry.. I didn't know-"_

_"Yeah, me either. I had an IUD so it's not like we were trying or anything.."_

Olivia leaned over the bed railing and embraced you, you lost it in her arms. Sobbing against her shirt. She stroked your hair and told you everything would be okay, _"It's okay to feel upset about it.. no matter the circumstances."_

_ _

You cried against her for a few minutes before wiping your face and pulling away.

_ "Do you want me to send Carisi in so you guys can talk about things?" _

You remembered more and more details about the events that played out earlier, how Sonny yelled at you and then tried to make it better by telling you that he loved you. Shaking your head at Olivia, you declined.

_ "Honestly.. I think I need to be alone. Please, don't tell him." _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya'll this chapter was actually super hard for me to write for personal reasons. So I would really love to hear your thoughts on it and the story so far as a whole. 
> 
> I'm also thinking of starting to assign atleast one song per chapter to the end comments to kind of give a feel of the mood. Please let me know what you think of this idea or have any other comments, suggestions, ect.


	17. Folgers Coffee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, don't hate me.

You woke up late the next morning to the birds chirping outside your window, the pale light shining through the blinds. A nurse brought you down some juice and ibuprofen, along with the cafeteria breakfast, but you didn't feel much like eating. Dr. Callahan entered the room shortly after and checked your bleeding, it was still a little too heavy for his liking.

_"I think we may be able to discharge you later today, just keep the ice pack on and I'll come back after lunch to check you again."_

He exited the room and an expensive looking shoe stuck itself in the door to stop it from closing. You heard a knock, followed by a few familiar faces. 

_"Knock, knock. You up for visitors?"_

It was Rafael and Amanda, they came bearing flowers and a stuffed giraffe from the hospital gift shop. Amanda hugged you around the shoulders and Rafael kissed you on the top of the head.

_A- "How ya feelin', boss?"_

_"A little better today. I'm cramping pretty hard and my ribs are bruised, but, y'know.."_

_A- "Yeah, you lost a **lot **of blood, Cal. God, it looked like you were freakin' giving birth."_

You hid the pain. She didn't mean to hurt you, she didn't know. You weren't even sure why it hurt so bad anyways, you didn't want children right now. But the thought of not having been given a choice in the matter made you feel cheated.

_R- "What did the doctor say happened?"_

_"Uh, my IUD. It perforated my uterus when I got kicked last night. I think the bleeding just looked a lot worse than it really was.."_

You didn't want to talk or think about the situation anymore. You wanted to forget that it had even happened, but you knew that this was just the beginning. 

_"Has anyone contacted um.. Hana's family?"_

_R- "Yes, she's being sent back home today."_

Your best friend's funeral would be in a few days. The one person you'd always pictured growing old with, the one you'd joked with about pushing each other around in wheelchairs. You'd rocked her to sleep over countless heartbreaks and she'd waved you goodbye after helping you load your car up for New York. You were trying not to get choked up in front of Amanda and Rafael.

_R- "You have to go back home, mi amor."_

_"I can't.. I swore to her parents, her son.. God, her parents do her parents know that she was-"_

_A- "No, Cali. You don't have a choice, she left you as her beneficiary.. They need you there to plan her funeral."_

All you could think was, "why me?" She had a sister, two brothers, parents who she could've left this burden on. But you knew the answer.. you'd spent your whole lives cleaning up after her and paving the way, why would things be any different in her death. 

_"When?"_

_A- "No one is trying to rush you.. but the sooner the better. I'm so sorry, this shouldn't be your job.."_

_"It's fine. Liv said I can't come back to work right away anyways.. maybe finally going back home will help me."_

You winced as a small sting of pain shot through your abdomen, only then realizing that you'd been gripping Rafael's hand the entire time. 

_R- "Amanda, do you mind if we have a moment alone?"_

She nodded in agreeance, _"I'll go make sure Carisi hasn't dug himself a ditch pacing the hallway."_

She exited the room and Rafael allowed you a few moments of silence before turning his whole body toward you, _"How are you **really**, Detective?"_

A single tear slid down your cheek and your voice cracked as you spoke, _"Just.. guilty."_

The clean cut, posh attorney slid off his shoes and let down the bed railing. You slid over and lifted the blanket for him to climb underneath with you. Rafael held you close to his chest and let you sob. 

_"You did your best, my love.. you can't blame yourself."_

_"I could've spent more time with her while she was here. I could've called her more often after I moved, caught on to what Jakobi was doing. If I hadn't fucking abandoned her for this place she'd still be here.."_

_"We don't know that to be true, you don't know that. And you have to take care of yourself over anyone else. Not me, not Hana, not Carisi, it's time for you to think about what's best for Cali."_

You caught your breath and laid against him, appreciating his wisdom but still dwelling on all the things you could've done differently.

_"I'm sorry I bailed on you the past few months, Rafa."_

He laughed and stroked your hair, _"Don't be sorry, you were busy falling in love."_

_"Was I, though?..."_

It wasn't just the guilt you felt about Hana. Everyone kept telling you to worry about yourself, stop taking care of everyone else, but you felt like you'd been nothing but absolutely selfish this past year. You felt like you'd abandoned your friends and family for a new life up north, forgot to call them so you could prove how hard of a worker you are, ditched Rafael when you started seeing a future with Sonny. But after Sonny's attitude last night.. you couldn't kick the restless feeling in your legs. That desire to get up and go and never look back. All you could think about was the first time your ex raised his voice at you.

_"You need to talk to Carisi, my love. He's been here all night, worried senseless."_

You sighed hard, wishing he'd went home to sleep off all the emotions from yesterday.

_"I know, I know.. do you mind sending him back?"_

_"Of course not."_

Rafa kissed you on the head once more and lifted himself off the bed, sliding on his shoes and closing the door behind him. He met Sonny in the waiting room, Sonny noticing the wet spots on his shirt but decided not to bring it up. All he could think about was how lifeless you looked when he last saw you. His heart raced as he jogged down the hallway toward your room, opening the door without knocking. His deep blue eyes met yours, you were sitting up on the bed waiting for him.

_"Cal?"_

_"Dom.."_

It was that feeling of seeing a ghost, scared but excited. He shut the door behind him and walked to the end of your bed slowly, dropping to his knees and grabbing your hands in his. You felt him trembling.

_"I'm so sorry, baby. I'm so, so-"_

You looked down into his eyes, they were hazy with tears. You cupped his face in your hands and shushed him.

_"I know you are, Dominick."_

Dominick. He hated the name anyways, but hearing you say it.. It made him realize that the fears he'd been running through his head all night were valid.

_"Are you gonna be okay? What did the doctor say?"_

_"He said I'll be fine. I'll be discharged later and I'll have to go home."_

His face lit up for a moment, _"That's great, sweetie. When can I pick-"_

_"No.. no. I have to go back home for a couple of weeks. Hana's funeral will be in a few days and Liv wants me to take some time off anyways."_

_"Okay, I can come with you. I'm sure the squad can-"_

_"Sonny.."_

It was barely a whisper, you dropped your eyes from his down to your hands. Bringing his fingers up to your lips and kissing them.

_"Sonny.. I think I need to be alone for a little while. Not just here in this room or back in Tennessee.."_

That heart dropping feeling hit his chest, and not from butterflies or the sight of you dressed up. In fact, it wasn't a dropping at all, it was a breaking. A shattering.

_"Cali, what are you talking about? What are you trying to say??"_

The guilt just kept piling up, tears slid down your face before the words came out of your mouth.

_"I love you too, Sonny. I swear to God I do, but I don't love myself right now.. and I don't think I have for a long, long time."_

You saw the confusion on his face, _"So what, you're just gonna take off? Are you saying what I think you're saying, Cal?"_

He pulled his hands from yours and stood to his feet, his hands down by his side. 

_"I'm so sorry for all of this.. I shouldn't have asked you to move in so soon. I'm so fucking stupid-"_

_"No, I'm the one who looks stupid. Thinking someone like you could **ever**-"_

_ _

He cut himself off before finishing the thought, lifting his fingers to his brow before grabbing the door handle. He slammed it behind him and raced down the hallway, out the front doors. Amanda and Rafael watched him go.

_A- "Well, looks like the wedding is postponed.."_

_R- "Dios, let's just hope it isn't cancelled."_

Dr. Callahan cleared you for discharge late in the afternoon and Rafael helped you into your apartment. The door opened before you could stick the key in, Sonny stood in front of you. His eyes were puffy and swollen, he paused in front of you but then stepped to the side, letting you inside your shared apartment. Rafael looked nervous.

_R- "I'm gonna.. wait for you in the car, Detective."_

You nodded and Sonny closed the door quietly behind the two of you. The air around you stood still, you knew he had more to say and you took a seat on the couch. Legs crossed Indian style, he sat beside you still in his jeans from last night. The ones he'd pulled on while you both left the room in a rush. 

_"Whatever you're going through, doll, I wanna help you through it. I know that you're hurting right now but we can-"_

_"That's the thing, Sonny. I should be hurting, shouldn't I?.. Curled up in a ball in Huang's office, balling my eyes out all hours of the day."_

_"You know that everyone goes through grief differently.."_

_"Not like this. I just feel empty.. I feel hollow."_

Sonny was getting visibly frustrated, unable to comprehend why you wouldn't let him help. 

_"Baby, what do you want me to do?"_

Your fingers stroked his cheek and wiped away a single tear, _"I want you to be strong for me, Risi.. I need time to figure out who I am, what I want out of life. I have demons inside me that I have to deal with before I can be the person that you deserve. And you might not see them, but I live with them every day. Just.."_

Here came the hard part, you regretted _so bad_ that you had asked him to move in. He hadn't even unpacked, you were surrounded by piles of clothes that you'd planned to go through together. Family pictures of his that you were going to clear up space on the wall for. You took a deep breath, _"You can stay here while I'm gone.. two weeks, more or less."_

_"But you want me gone when you get back?"_

The shattered feeling that hit him earlier in the day finally hit you, too. Everything in you was telling you to stop, take it all back, beg him to forgive you.

_"I didn't **want **any of this. Please try to understand why I'm doing this, please just.. don't hate me."_

He cupped your face in his hand as his voice broke, _"You're breaking my heart, doll.. but I meant it when said I love you last night."_

Sonny helped you stuff your duffle bag while you changed. Sweatpants, a hoodie, and his jean jacket.

It would be late when you landed back home and you weren't even sure if your family knew you were coming. You sat your bag down in front of the door and just took in his features for a moment. It didn't feel right.. what you were doing to him. But you were coming to terms with the fact that the past few months, you were using his love and affection to fill a void that you couldn't figure out how to mend on your own. You believed your love for Sonny was true, but you were scared of waking up in 20 years and realizing you'd been lying to yourself the whole time. Just like your mom had. 

He pulled you in for a hug for the first time in 24 hours, you took in the scent of his cologne. Oakwood and bourbon, you knew because you'd bought it for him for his birthday last summer. You held on for as long as possible, until he finally kissed the top of your head and pulled away. 

_"I'll call in a few days, I promise."_

You couldn't see his back hit the inside of the door the second he closed it, sliding down to the floor. He buried his face in his hands, losing it. Your actions mimicking his as the elevator doors closed. The numbers dinged as you got lower and lower to the foyer. Rafael was standing just outside of the front door and his eyes caught attention to the elevator doors sliding back open. He witnessed you on the floor, hand covering your eyes. He rushed in the door and stuck his foot through the sliding panes before they could close again, lowering himself beside you and wrapping you in his arms.

_"Okay, come on, Cal, get up.."_

He helped you into the passenger seat before taking his spot behind the wheel.

_"What was I fucking thinking, Rafa? No one's ever gonna put up with my shit the way Sonny did.."_

Rafael laughed and turned the key in the ignition, _"Now we both know that isn't true, _cariño. Even if things don't work out with you and Detective Carisi, there are plenty of others out there that would be thrilled to put up with your smart mouth."__

It was a short ride to LaGuardia and Rafael parked the car in front of the domestic terminal doors, opening your car door for you. You sat on the edge of your seat with your legs hanging out the door, he looked worried. 

_"You'll call when you get some down time, sí?"_

You nodded and wrapped your arms around his neck, hugging him tight before grabbing your bag and starting toward the entrance.

_"Thanks, Rafa. For everything."_

His eyes finally turned misty as he looked into yours, something you'd only ever seen when his abuelita passed away, _"Don't get too comfortable down there, and stay away from.. you know."_

The plane was frigid and quiet as all the other passengers slept around you. You didn't say a word to your Uber driver on the way to your dad's house and let yourself in without knocking. It was late, he and his girlfriend were already asleep anyways. You could see the yellow light shining from under your old bedroom door, the bedroom that you hadn't lived in for 6 years now. You opened the door to your dimly lit room with string lights lining the wall behind your bed. Polaroids of you and friends, some of your family. A whole section dedicated to photos from your two deployments. There were even a few left up of you and your ex, from before all the red flags started popping up. Or at least before you noticed that they were red. You snuck into the kitchen and grabbed your dad's Honey Crown Royal from the freezer, along with a glass filled with a few ice cubes. You refilled the glass over and over again while plucking the photos off the wall. Looking over each one slowly on your bed. You picked out the ones with Hana in them for her memorial service and stroked the photo, as if it were anywhere comparable to touching her warm face one last time. You knew the next and last time you touched her, she'd be ice cold. Probably in some hideous dress that she would've hated. You fell asleep spinning and surrounded by the photographs.

You woke up to cabinets slamming in the kitchen and loud foot steps on the hardwood floor. Opening your door, you caught a strong whiff Folgers Coffee.

_"FREEZE, HANDS IN THE AIR!"_

Your dad nearly jumped out of his skin and spilled almost all of his coffee before turning around to see you standing there, finger gun pointed straight at him.

_"God damn it, Cali! Are you tryin' to get yourself shot?!"_

You held your stomach, it hurt to laugh as hard as you were but it felt good to have some comedic relief. 

_"Your hand ain't even on your damn gun, Dad! Come on, if I were a psycho you'd be D-E-D dead by now."_

_"You ARE a psycho, what the hell are you doing here? I didn't even hear you come in."_

_"Yeah, it's hard to hear anything over your snoring. I came in last night, didn't wanna wake you up."_

_"Well hell, bring it in!"_

Your dad towered over you and and wrapped his huge arms around your shoulder. Your arms didn't fit all the way around him but you hugged him tight anyways. He poured you a cup of coffee and you sat with your legs up on the kitchen counter.

_"How you holdin' up, kid?"_

_"By the last thread of my sanity.. I guess I gotta meet with Hana's family and her life insurance rep later to get the funeral planning put in motion."_

_"You should really go see your old squad while you're in town, they still ask about you whenever I see them. Maybe drop in on your mama, some of your old friends."_

_"If you're looking for ways to get me to stay it's not gonna work, Dad. I'll be here for a week or two but.. this just isn't home for me anymore."_

She shook his head and pulled on his jacket, _"I know, baby. They all miss you though, might help if you took a good stroll down memory lane."_

You didn't tell your dad about your trip to the emergency room, this visit wasn't about you and he didn't need the added stress of your trivial problems. You showered in your old bathroom and texted Hana's sister and Maddie that you'd meet them at the funeral home in an hour.

Wilson's Funeral Home. It was every person in your hometown's last stop and your best friend was no different. The three of you embraced in the parking lot and you led them through the double doors. The lobby had all the same furniture it'd had since you were a little kid, it smelled old and dusty. Thankfully though, the old crypt keeper had recently retired and his position as Funeral Director was filled by his grandson, Conor, a guy you and Hana had gone to school with. He helped the three of you choose a matte black casket with matching satin trim, her parents would hate it but it's what she would've wanted.

You, Maddie and Em spent two days together printing off old Facebook photos, gathering pictures from family members and old friends, and searching for a single arcade room photo-strip that none of you could get your minds off of. Yours and Hana's sisters were the same age, so they naturally became good friends over years of being forced to hang out. Your dad loved it, he said it was just like old times having a house full of loud teenagers again. You finally found the old strip in a jewelry box you hadn't opened in ages, tucked underneath a dozen concert tickets. Her sister held it in her hands and for the first time in days, she didn't hold back the tears. You watched Maddie hold Em just like you used to your best friend. The past couple of days you'd buried the pain under fond memories and only shed tears when they came from laughter, but soon you'd have to watch the pallbearers carry her away.

_E- "I think me and Jeremy are gonna try to get custody of Rory.. Tom and Beth are just too old to take care of a kid, y'know. We found out a few months ago that we can't have kids, so maybe everything will work out.."_

_"I'm so sorry, Em. I had no clue, Hana never told me."_

_E- "Oh she didn't know, it's not something we've really announced or anything."_

_M- "It's a great idea, I think Rory would love it. He could use something more stable right now anyways."_

Maddie and Emily retreated to your sister's old bedroom for the final time, it was late and you all had to be up early for the funeral Friday morning. You changed into an old hoodie you found in the closet and a pair of Nike shorts, settling onto your bed to FaceTime Sonny. You hummed along to the ringtone and almost hung up before he finally answered. You could tell by the fluorescent lighting that he was pulling an all nighter at the precinct. He had dark bags under his eyes, probably from working himself to death the past few days.

_"You're working yourself into the ground, Detective. You know that?"_

_"Yeah, yeah. I was starting to get worried about you, sweetheart. You taking care of yourself?"_

His sleepy blue eyes looked through the phone and into your soul. Good God, all you wanted was to curl up against him right now. 

_"Mhm, I've been catching up with old friends. The funeral is tomorrow so.. I'm gonna be honest, I probably won't call."_

_"I get it, babe. Just don't go getting too comfy down there. I still need a partner, even if we **are **going through a hard time."_

_"WE aren't going through a hard time, **I **am. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me, I told you that."_

_"I know, I know, I'm sorry. I'm gonna finish up this report and probably crash in the bunk room tonight. Fin said I can squat in his spare room for as long as I need to. If you need me to do anything while you're gone, babe, just let me know."_

_"Actually, do you mind visiting Echo for me this weekend? Send me a few pictures maybe, I think it might make me feel better."_

_"Absolutely. Get some sleep, doll. You look exhausted."_

You laughed, thinking there's no way you looked any worse than he did.

_"Mhm, you too, babe."_

Sonny dropped his phone face down on his desk and rubbed the bridge of his nose. He couldn't tell you this but he'd barely slept the past few nights without you, resorting to power naps in the bunk room randomly throughout the day. He knew that it wasn't his fault, but he couldn't help resenting himself for yelling at you the night of the shooting. If he had just paid more attention you would've never went into that basement alone in the first place. Hana might still be alive, you would've never gotten hurt, Jakobi might be awaiting trial in Riker's right now. Fin squeezed Sonny's shoulder from behind him.

_"You can't stress yourself out over it, man. She'll be back, just gotta get her mind straight first."_

_"Yeah and what if she 'gets her mind straight' and realizes she doesn't wanna come back? What if something happens while she's down there and I'm 900 miles away?"_

_'That's just you being paranoid. She loves you, she told you that."_

_"Right before asking me to move out..."_

Fin pulled up a chair in front of Sonny, resting his elbows on the other side of the desk.

_"All right, just let it out man. Come on, it'll make you feel better."_

Sonny had always been the type to hold everything in until it all spilled over. Usually in a fit of rage, just like it did a few nights ago. But he knew that the whole squad could see the weight on his shoulders the past few days. It was hitting them hard too, but not like it was him. It would start effecting his job performance soon if he didn't get it out.

_"What if it's not just her like she says? I mean, we rushed things, I'll admit that. But I thought it was all mutual, I thought we were on the same page about **everything**. If I were in her situation I feel like I'd want her right by my side but she just wants to get further away."_

_"Carisi, you've just gotta trust her. If she says that it's not you, it's not you man! You can't control the way she grieves, all you can do it support her like you'd want her to support you."_

_"And what about when she gets back? Are we still gonna be a thing or am I supposed to sit back while she does whatever she wants?"_

_"You're askin' questions that only she can answer. Look, right now she isn't thinking about all that. YOU are, she isn't. She's worried about burying her best friend, a relationship with **anyone **is probably the last thing on her mind. Give it time, let it all play out, you guys will be okay. Okay?"_

Sonny leaned back in his chair and responded with a, _"Yeah, you're right, man."_

His head hit the stiff pillow in the bunk room the same time that yours hit the feather pillow in your childhood home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Song - Forever Yours by Grayscale
> 
> Like always, pleaseeee leave any criticism/remarks/suggestions/death threats/etc in the comments below. Kudos, bookmarks, anything else is also greatly suggested. And if anyone has any songs that they think would help with inspiration, I would love to hear them!


	18. All In Black

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLA DIALOGUE IN THIS CHAPTER.
> 
> Chapter Song - Pete Rose and Babe Ruth by Have Mercy

You sat on the bed in your robe, staring down at the neatly folded clothes in front of you. Jeans, t-shirt, jacket, belt and shoes - all in black. Staring at yourself in the mirror before putting them on, you finally noticed the stripes of black, purple, blue and yellow bruises on your torso. It'd taken you a few days to look at yourself in a mirror at all, you didn't recognize yourself when you finally did. Despite the memories you'd shared with Emily and Maddie the past few days, you still felt like a fraction of the person that you used to be. Bringing your finger tips across the ugly yellow bruise that stretched from hip to hip, the bruise came from that first blow, you winced. It was a dull pain because it was healing quickly, a lot quicker than you were in your head.

You greeted all of the visitors as they came through the door, all of her family that had grown to be yours over the years. Thinking back to all of the memories you'd made with them over time; Birthdays, weddings, new babies and holidays. You'd spent just as many with these people as you had with your own. 

Inside the chapel, during the service, you sat in the very front row surrounded by weeping relatives. You heard friends sobbing from the back of the room, people that she hadn't spoken to since high school and a few guys that fucked her over more than once or twice. But you couldn't bring yourself to shed a tear. You remembered how much Hana hated when you cried, she didn't know how to comfort you because you were always the one comforting her. You sang _Amazing Grace _with the rest of them and listened to the pastor preach about how this was a life lost too soon, but how she wasn't truly gone because she was with the Lord. All the shit you knew she didn't believe but had set up anyways so that her family could feel a tiny sliver of comfort in her death. The sermon ended and Conor asked if anyone had any words they'd like to say. No one raised their hand, no one wanted to share the good times they'd had because then they'd have to admit to themselves that they'd had bad times too. 

You approached the podium and he handed you the mic, you cleared your throat.

_"I want to thank you all very much for coming today, I know that her parents appreciate all the support they've been given."_

You paused, staring at all the faces that were looking forward at you. Most of the people in the back were your age.

_"I think this is the point where we're supposed to share happy memories that we had with Hana. Unfortunately, the best times I spent with her are considered illegal in the state of Tennessee, so I'm just gonna keep those to myself for now."_

The laughs and smiles were refreshing, you kept going.

_"Hana and I spent the past ten years attached at the hip, we were like siamese twins. But if you knew us you knew that we couldn't have been more opposite. She loved everyone that she met, every single one of you. And she didn't think twice about it, her loyalty just came naturally.. which I guess is why she's still the longest, strongest relationship I've ever had. No matter how much she frustrated me or how long I gave her the cold shoulder, she still welcomed me back into her heart without ever asking for an apology.. Or at least not a formal one. God, I remember our junior year we were mad at each other for a full six months, I missed out on Thanksgiving and Christmas with her family that year because I was just being a petty bitch-"_

A few of her family members mouths dropped at your use of curse words in a church setting, but you were losing yourself and could feel the word vomit coming up. 

_"We made up that year because my bangs were getting too long and I asked her to cut them for me. That was my peace offering, admitting that I was the one who needed her for something. She understood that's what I meant when I asked her that, she always **just **understood."_

You laughed between thoughts and something in your mind snapped, _"You know, I'm looking out at all of your beautiful, shining faces in the back row and I can't help but remember every. single. time. that all of you completely fucked her over." _

There were gasps from the crowd but her sister smiled huge, knowing that it had been a long time coming, _"Holly, you remember when you fucked Micah because you thought she had a crush on him? You did that JUST to hurt her but, oh my god, we stayed up allllll night laughing our asses off about that. Or Aaron, when dick pics of you got spread around school - hopefully no one here has forgotten about that. We sent those out from like a texting app after you started spreading rumors that you guys had slept together. Which never happened, if anyone is wondering!"_

The crowd was starting to whisper loudly, all of them in shock that their bullshit was getting spilled, _"Oh my GOD, Justin! You remember when you cheated on Hana with that real religious chick? Your mom found a thong in your closet a few months later and asked if you guys were having sex."_

That religious chick's name was Melanie and you saw her husband shooting daggers into her with his eyes, _"Oh no! Melanie's husband, I don't know your name, they really weren't your wife's panties! BUT your wife told Justin's mom that they were Hana's.. They weren't, Justin just liked wearing girls' underwear when he was jackin' it, y'know."_

Emily's laugh echoed over the murmurs of disbelief and you realized that things would probably turn sour soon if you didn't wrap it up, _"Whatever, I didn't come home to air out everyone's dirty laundry.. I guess what I'm getting at is that no matter how many times someone fucked her over, she was still there for them when they needed it. Holly, she pretended to be hurt when you told her about Micah. Aaron, she spoke as a character witness when you were wrongfully accused of assault. Justin, she took the blame for you with your mom when you didn't want anyone to know you had a panty fetish."_

One last blow for Justin, just because you didn't like him.

_"She's always been my better half, my more empathetic half. She taught me how to forgive people that didn't deserve to be forgiven, and that includes myself... I apologize for any pain or embarrassment that I've caused today. I'm still learning how to be human without her.."_

You felt your heartbeat speeding up as you rushed between the pews, through the dozens of people. The sky outside had only darkened as noon passed and it was raining lightly. You took cover in your car and rest your head against the steering wheel. 

_"One - Two - Three - Four"_

You steadied your breathing and counted, trying your hardest not to fall into a panic attack.

_"Five - Six - Seven - Eight"_

Eventually everyone followed the pallbearers out the back door of the chapel. They filed into their cars and you fell into line behind the hearse, making the long, slow drive to the cemetery. You watched your home town's sheriff's office block off intersections, other drivers pulled their cars over and took off their caps on the side of the rode in respect. That was one thing that you _did _miss about home, the southern hospitality. Something you'd never been so good at.

You parked with the rest of the cars along the bottom of the hill and watched everyone climb up the stairs, you decided to wait in the car for everyone to leave and the grave to be covered. Not wanting to face her family or the people pretending to be her friends. The windows misted over with water and fogged up over time, so much so that you didn't notice the figure standing by the passenger side until the door opened, shut, and the child lock was hit.

_"It's about damn time. What took you so long?"_

You didn't turn to look at him but a tear slid down your face as your jaw clenched. You spoke through gritted teeth.

_"Please.. just leave me alone."_

_"Now you know I can't do that, honey. Have you been getting my texts?"_

_"Yeah, Brad. Every single one."_

_"Hm, so you **have **been ignoring me then. What happened to that speech about forgiving people, loving everyone? That doesn't apply to me?"_

You chuckled through shaking lips, remembering just how fucking crazy he really was. 

_"I am about to paint that window with your brains if you don't get your ass out of my goddamn car."_

_"Oh come on, you couldn't do it the first time, you're not gonna do it now either. I'm not here to make a scene anyways, just wanted to catch up. How's life in the city?"_

You finally turned to look at him. His hair was longer, facial hair grown out a little bit. You could still see the paranoia in his eyes, the same as the day that shit hit the fan. You didn't respond.

_"How's your boyfriend?"_

_"What are you talking about?"_

_"You think I wouldn't find out, baby? This is a small town, people talk, word spreads fast even from 900 miles away."_

This time, you **did **draw your gun. You weren't shaking or scared anymore, you were pissed. You'd never felt so full of rage. He laughed as you held the barrel to his temple.

_"Relax, relax. Tell Dominick I send him my love-"_

_"Don't you dare speak his name.."_

_"And just remember - I'll be here when you're ready to come **home.**"_

He released the child lock and let himself out of the car, you watched him get in his old Ford Ranger and drive away. Finally releasing your breath, you dropped your gun in the passenger side seat and pulled out your phone, FaceTiming Rafael. He was sitting at his office desk when he answered.

_"Buenos días, mi amor. How did the service go?"_

_"It's still going. I just fucking pulled a gun on Bradley, Rafa."_

Rafael could see that you were trembling and worried, his eyes darted from the work on his desk to you through his phone.

_"He confronted you? During a funeral service??"_

_"I'm sitting in my car waiting for them to bury her and he just let himself in, I had my god damn guard down."_

_"You need to call the local police AND Olivia-"_

_"No. I don't need Sonny getting worried and coming down here. And I don't need to spend any extra time here for a TPO violation."_

_"What is even the POINT of the TPO if you're never going to report when he violates it?"_

_"Will you just be my friend and let me vent for once, Rafa?? Not my attorney or the ADA of Special Victims, just my friend?"_

He stopped and pursed his lips before crossing his arms over his chest, _"Fine. What did he say?"_

_"Just asked how I was.. asked about Sonny. I didn't tell him about the split."_

_"So you guys did **officially **split?"_

_"I don't even know but I wasn't gonna mention it to him. He only did that to prove that he still has a hold on me. No matter how much time passes or how far away I move, he still-"_

_"Stop. He doesn't, you know that. He knows that you're vulnerable right now and he wanted to take advantage of that, don't let him."_

_"Please don't tell anyone in the squad, Rafa. You know I'd report it if I thought I couldn't handle it."_

_"No, Detective, I do not know that. But for the sake of our friendship, your secret is safe with me - for now."_

You laughed and held the phone up, fixing your hair in the camera.

_"Have you been eating? You look like you're losing weight."_

_"Don't start, 'Dad'. I might've missed a meal or two over the past few days."_

You lied, knowing the last real meal you had was on your date with Sonny. Ever since then you could barely force yourself to eat anything, settling on coffee and a small snack here and there.

_"You know I worry, that's all.. You'll call if you need anything?"_

_"Mhm.. I miss you, Rafa. Tell the squad that, too."_

_"I miss you too, Calico. We all do, take care of yourself."_

You hung up and put your car in drive, maneuvering around all the other vehicles in the winding cemetery. You crossed the river and all the factories that kept this alive, pulling into the parking lot of the two story building. You scanned your old key card that they'd never bothered to deactivate. Scanned it again through a second door, made your way down the long hallway and scanned it one last time, opening the final door slowly. There were two tall men talking in front of a white board, one with his back facing you. The man in front of him was older, his eyes caught yours as you entered and you brought your finger to your lips and made the "shush" motion. 

You snuck up behind the younger man quietly, holding your keys so they wouldn't jingle against each other. When you got close enough, you tapped the back of his knee with your foot causing his leg to almost give out. Your old lieutenant bust out laughing, grabbing his stomach and doubling over. Jesse, your old partner, snapped around with a royally pissed off expression on his face. But it softened the second he saw your smile.

_"Always be aware of your surroundings. I told you, I'm gonna do that until you start to expect it!"_

You'd taken a few steps back after tapping his knee in case he'd decided to swing at you, he just rubbed his eyes in disbelief.

_"Am I seeing a damn ghost??"_

_"Ghosts can still give hugs, I'm pretty sure."_

_"Then get your ass over here!"_

He opened his arms and you met each other in the middle, him sweeping you off your feet. You wrapped your legs around him and he squeezed you tighter than ever, like you really were back from the dead.

You and Jesse had been through a lot together. You'd been good friends in high school and enlisted in the Air Force at the same time, going through boot camp together and eventually being each others' first partners when you were hired at SVU when you came home. He was the whole reason you'd even made it through the whole ordeal with Bradley before you decided to move to New York. He always knew what was up, even without you telling him.

He let you down and backed up, hands on his hips and taking in the sight of you.

_"Fuck, it's good to see you. You look great, man."_

_"You too, Jess. Lieutenant, I see you haven't kicked your donut addiction. It's nice to see that some things never change."_

He brought you in for a warm, though less enthusiastic hug, as well. The squad room was smaller than the one you'd grown used to in Manhattan and empty, your old squad usually dipped out early on Fridays. But just like Lt. Slaughter's donut addiction, old habits die hard, so you'd known Jesse would still be here even at 3 o'Clock. 

_S- "Jack, I hope you're here because you're ready to come back. Not sure if you've heard but Detective Jones has gone through his fair share of partners since your departure. It would be nice to have someone back that can handle his, uh.. ambition."_

_"No, nope, I'm happy where I am. I just needed to see some familiar faces while I'm down here, I do appreciate the offer though."_

Jesse turned toward him and fake whispered, _"I could try to change her mind, sneak out early, y'know..."_

_S- "Detective, if it gets you out of my damn squad room for once I don't care what you do."_

Jesse looked at you with eyebrows raised, lifting his car keys and jingling them near his face. You rode in the passenger seat of his squad car to a little coffee house downtown called Rembrandt's, ordering an iced chai tea. He ordered the house roast and the two of you split an oversized cinnamon bun. 

_"So is the big apple every thing you dreamed it would be?"_

_"And more. You should really think about making the move, we could use another detective like you on the squad."_

_"Lord, can you imagine? Jack and Jones fighting crime just like the good old days! I'd be beside myself."_

_"I have to admit, I'm pretty fond of my new partner. But I do miss having one that wasn't afraid to take risks like me.."_

_"Mhm.." _Jesse had a sneaky look on his face, but he wouldn't say what he was thinking. He took another bite of the pastry and sipped his coffee.

_"I'm not gonna drag it out of you, Jess. Either spill it or keep your weird sounds to yourself."_

_"It's just that.. word spreads, y'know. There may or may not be word around town that you've found yourself someone new."_

_"I see. Is this supposed to be a bad thing? You say it like I'm not allowed to move on.."_

_"No, Cali, I didn't mean it like that. I guess a lot of people just didn't expect you to move on so fast."_

_"You and I **both** know that I'd moved on long, long before that incident happened."_

_"I know, I know.." _He paused and looked down into his cup, _"Just promise me that he's good to you, Cal."_

You smiled at him and nodded your head, _"Yeah, Jess, he's real good to me." _

You and Jesse shot the shit for a few hours beside the windowsill of that little coffee shop. You asked him about his newest partners, why they didn't work out. He gave a bullshit excuse about personality clashes and how they lacked enthusiasm for their job. What he really meant was that they couldn't handle his spontaneity. You knew it well because you were the same way, it was what Sonny was yelling at you about the night that Hana died.

_"Okay, okay, so the first guy said that he couldn't handle your obsessive behavior. Second got pissed that you kept calling him in the middle of the night. What about the third? I heard you got a chick partner assigned to you recently?"_

_"Yeeeeah.. I might've fucked that one up on my own. You let one person in on a secret and it spreads like damn wildfire around here."_

_"Oh my god, you didn't!"_

_"You're right, I didn't! That's what my official statement to Lieu still is, anyways."_

You bellied over the table laughing.

_"And you're telling me that Slaughter let her go instead of using it as an excuse to get rid of your ass?"_

You felt your phone vibrate in your pocket, pulling it out and opening it. It was a text from Sonny with a few pictures of Echo, the last one a heartwarming selfie of Echo licking Sonny's face.

_"That your guy with Echo?"_

Jesse's voice snapped you out of the trance and you turned your phone towards him.

_"I mean, he's not really 'my guy' anymore, I guess.. but yeah. Echo lives at a battered women's safe house now, Sonny was checking up on him for me today."_

_"So.. I'm confused, are the rumors just rumors?"_

You locked your phone and looked around the room, lowering your voice.

_"I asked him to move out right before I left.. I've been through a lot this year, dude. I just need some space. But I don't want **that **getting spread around to Bradley, he seems to keep his distance when he thinks there's another guy involved."_

_"Gotcha, your secret's safe with me. You got any plans for the rest of the night?"_

_"I was gonna go back to the cemetery at some point but I really don't think I could handle it today.."_

_"I've got a case of Blue Moon at my place, if you wanna shoot the shit like old times?"_

If it were anyone else you would've turned down the offer right away, but you'd never been able to say no to your old partner. You tossed a few singles on the table and followed Jesse to his car, through town and into the neighborhood that you grew up in. Jesse lived in the same subdivision as your dad, just a few streets over. You opened the door and made your way through the gate to the back yard, taking a seat at the patio table where you'd smoked way too many cigarettes over the years. He grabbed a few beers from the mini fridge outside and offered you a menthol.

_"You remember that party you threw at the end of our senior year, when you caught Josh trying to get handsy with Hana in your bedroom?"_

_"God, how could I? It was one of the reasons I wanted to go into SVU after coming home."_

_"I was in the front yard arguing with Brad when you threw him out,"_ You laughed between thoughts,_"it was like watching Uncle Phil from Fresh Prince throw Jazz out the front door."_

You and Jesse threw back a few beers and smoked a few more cigarettes, reminiscing about high school and basic training. You felt the alcohol warming your veins even though you could see your breath as you spoke.

_"Don't kill me for admitting this, but half of those overnight stake outs we went on.. I made them up."_

_"What are you talking about?'_

_"You hid it good, but I could tell the days that you didn't wanna go home.. Half of those stings were bullshit, I just picked a random house and made up a story about why we were there."_

Deep down, you felt like you'd always known that. You leaned your head over onto Jesse's shoulder and took another long drag, followed by a swig from the bottle. Not saying a word while you thought back about all the time you'd spent with him just to avoid going home in the evenings.

_"Why didn't say anything, Jesse?"_

_"I didn't know how.. you would've denied it either way. I still beat myself up about it.."_

Memories flashed through your head, all those long nights at the precinct. The hundreds of hours you spent in his car singing along to 90's R&B. Jesse had leaned his cheek down to rest on your head but lifted it, looking down at you. You felt his heart thumping in his chest.

_"Can I ask you something, Cal?"_

You turned your face to look up at him, not realizing how close you were to his until you froze. His deep blue eyes locked with yours and for a moment, you forgot that it wasn't Sonny's eyes you were gazing into. He lowered his voice to a whisper.

_"Everything we went through.. all that time we spent together.. you never thought it might end up being you and me?"_

_"Thought?" _You shook your head gently, your faces slowly creeping closer, _"No.."_

Jesse's fingers slid past your cheek and through your hair, sending an extra chill down your spine.

_"Hoped?..."_

Your lips met his before you could finish your thought, tasting the beer on his lips. One of your hands resting on his chest. This was the kiss that should've happened a long, long time ago. It was slow and gentle, not pushy, he only gave you as much as you gave him.

But you pulled away after a minute or two, your foreheads still resting against each others. 

_"We missed our chance though, didn't we?"_

You let go of him and leaned back in your chair, taking another swig of beer to wash the taste of him out of your mouth and nodding your head.

_"Yeah, Jess. We did.."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're headed back home soon, I promise. 
> 
> NOT TRYING TO SPOIL ANYTHING BUT WHO DO YA'LL WANT TO MAKE THINGS COMPLICATED - BARBA OR STONE?  
I've also went through a few chapters and added some gifs/pictures and will be doing this for the remainder and all future chapters, so take a look at those if you want.  
Like always, I love and appreciate ALL comments, suggestions, death threats, criticism, etc. Thank you all for reading!


	19. Anniversary

You got home late that night and slept in the next morning. In fact, you did this regularly for the rest of your visit back home. You had lunch with Hana's parents and apologized to them for your behavior at their daughter's funeral, but they weren't mad about it anyways. You spent a great deal of the weekend with your sister, she was having just as hard a time as you. Having grown up beside Hana, she felt like she was losing another sister. Come the end of Sunday night, you decided you finally had to tie up the loose ends you'd left in your hometown last year.

You pulled up to your Mom's house around noon, she was waiting on the front porch with a freshly poured cup of coffee for you. She grinned and waved as you got out of the car, her smile had never changed. No matter how tired her eyes grew over the years or whatever color she was dying her hair, her crooked smile with one tiny chip in the front tooth and dimple in one cheek was always a constant.

She hugged you tight around the shoulders, _"I'm so sorry about Hana, baby."_

_"It's okay, Mama. I'll be okay. I don't think I can handle talking about it right now, though."_

She released her grip on you and handed you the mug, leading you inside the front door and to the kitchen table. She lived in a cute little craftsman style home now, much different than the one she and your Dad had owned together. 

_"Where's Jamie?"_

_"Oh he's spending time with his son today, he just got back from a mission trip to Haiti so he'll be headed off to the next one soon."_

Your Mom and her boyfriend Jamie had been living together for going on 5 years. You didn't dislike him, but you didn't know him so you'd never really bothered getting to know your step-siblings either. 

_"Tell him if it's to Thailand again, I'm coming with. Maybe building houses in the rain for a few weeks will help me straighten my mind out.."_

You took a long sip from your cup, slurping it like you knew your Mom hated. It helped you get the full flavor and aroma of the coffee, though.

_"All healing takes time, you know that. I was a wreck for years after your Nanny and Paw died, but we all move on eventually."_

_"It's not even just that, Mama, there's other stuff too. I freaking asked Sonny to move in-"_

_"That's great, baby, congrats! You know, the family really enjoyed having him at-"_

_"Then I turned around and asked him to move out like two damn days later, Mom!"_

She could hear the defeat in your tired voice, _"Well, that does complicate things, I suppose..."_

You rested your elbows on the kitchen table and planted your face in your hands, trying to stop any tears from falling.

_"Honestly Mom I just feel like everything that's happened this past year, the thing with Bradley, moving away, giving up Echo, all the terrible shit I've seen at work and now Hana fucking-"_

You tried to stop them but it didn't work, the tears soaked your hands and fell down your cheeks like a faucet had just been turned on. Your Mom leaned over her chair and pulled your head to her shoulder, her boney fingers in your hair. This is what you'd missed all those years. Your Mom had her issues, but she knew you better than anyone alive. You could come to her with anything and always had, whether it was for life advice or just to gossip.

_"Sonny told me that he loves me and I think I love him too, but how do I know that?? I thought I loved Brad, I was wrong then_ _."_

_"Honey, you can't compare the two. I'm sure you DID love Bradley but love can't fix a hateful heart. What are you really scared of?"_

You steadied your breathing and took a minute to yourself, scared of offending your Mom and further damaging your healing relationship.

_"What if I just.. just wake up one day after twenty years and realize that I was wrong the whole time? "_

She set her mug down and intertwined her fingers on the surface in front of her, _"That's never gonna happen, baby. You are much, much stronger now at 25 than I was at 19."_

_"Mom, I am **terrified** that I'm just using Sonny as a crutch for all of the shitty, shitty things that have happened to me.. I'm scared that I don't know who I am when I'm alone anymore, that's why I asked him to move out, so I could have just a little time to myself.. but what if in that time that I need, he finds someone else?"_

_"Then you'll find someone else, too. That's just how life works, you have to worry about yourself sometimes even if it means losing someone that you love."_

You leaned back in your chair and sighed dramatically.

_"I'm not gonna lie, Mom, you've given much better advice over the years.. What do_ _ I do if I regret breaking things off?"_

She straightened up in her chair, _"Don't pussyfoot around telling him.. men will give up a good thing for a new thing quick, I promise you that."_

You didn't believe that about Sonny. In the past year alone you'd never so much as seen him even look at another female. She was right though, that sweet Catholic girl could come along at any time and scoop him up.

You spent a good portion of the day helping your Mom with her in-home dog boarding business, mostly just playing with the puppies while she did all the cleaning and dirty work. The sun started to set early and you had one more stop before you went home to your Dad's house the final time, so your Mom kissed you goodbye and she sent you off with two jugs of home made sweet tea. **Real **sweet tea, not unsweet tea with Splenda packets like you'd been settling for the past twelve months.

You tried dialing Sonny on your way to the cemetery, no answer. He was probably waist deep in a case and hopefully too busy to have started moving his things out of your apartment. You pulled up to the gate just as the groundskeeper was pulling them closed, you hopped out of your car in a rush.

_"Mr. Marrow can you pleeeeassee just give me FIVE minutes, just five minutes I swear! This is my last chance!"_

He checked his watch and gave you a stare down for a solid minute before responding, _"Only 'cause you still sound like a local. Don't go catchin' a Yankee accent, I can't stand that!"_

You grinned and jumped back in your car, speeding through the gate and around the curves. You pulled to the side of the hill and parked, jogging up the steep steps to where your best friend now lay. Her parents had picked a beautiful spot. The rest of the plots overlooked the highway or were usually in direct sunlight, but she was right under a willow tree overlooking the hills. Her headstone hadn't been laid yet, but you could still see the fresh sod on the ground. You sat on the cold earth expecting to feel dumb and alone. 

_"I'm sorry I didn't do this a few days ago, kinda made an ass of myself in front of everyone.. as usual."_

Surprisingly, you didn't feel dumb at all. Or alone, for that matter.

_"I uh.. I brought this sweatshirt that I stole from you a few years back. I was gonna leave it here, but that seems kinda stupid now that I think about it. I'm gonna make this quick before Mr. Marrow locks me in for the night. You know I avoid cemeteries at all costs, but I just wanted to say goodbye, I guess. I just wanted to say I'm sorry.. I'm sorry for all the times that I lost my temper with you over stupid shit. I think I understand now that I was just taking my anger out on you because you'd put up with it. Thank you for watching out for me back at the grey house, I don't know if it made a difference.. but yeah.. Em is gonna take care of Rory, she's gonna love him like her own. And I think I'm gonna be okay one day, just right now.."_

You stopped, there was a lump in your throat and you could feel the tears welling up.

_"I just don't know how to do any of this without you.. I fucked up, dude. I fucked up.."_

You cleared your throat and wiped away the few tears that had escaped. Pulling yourself to your feet, you kissed your fingertips and pressed them against the dirt above your best friend.

_"I love you, Hana Banana.. Catch you on the flip side."_

* * *

Your Dad made steaks and baked potatoes that night, medium rare, just how you liked them. You watched _Viva la Bam _with him and Darlene, the two of you mainly laughing at your Dad's laugh. Soon he started falling asleep in his recliner, just like when you were a teenager. It reminded you of how frustrated you'd get when he'd doze off there, because it meant you'd have to sneak back in through your window and not the front door.

You said goodnight and excused yourself to your bedroom, throwing your hair up and FaceTiming Barba.

_"Why is it that you only call just as I'm falling asleep? And why must you video call every single time?"_

_"I like seeing your handsome face when I'm talking to you, Rafi. Do you not feel the same?"_

You gave him a pouty lipped face and spoke as sweetly as you could. He rubbed his eyes with his free hand and pulled himself up against the headboard.

_"I haven't heard from you all weekend, you look better. Everything's gone well, I hope?"_

_"I talked to my Mom today and went to Hana's grave.. I feel a lot better. I'm gonna catch a late flight back home tomorrow afternoon."_

_"Cariño, it's only been a week. You don't think you need more time?"_

_"I won't actually be back at work until Huang clears me, plus I'm sure IAB is gonna have me on desk duty for a hot minute. I just wanna get outta this state, too many people here know my name."_

_"I see, send me your flight number and I'll be there to pick you up."_

_"Thanks, Rafa. Hey, have you talked to Sonny? I haven't been able to get ahold of him."_

Rafael shook his head and laid back down on his pillow, his eyes shutting.

_"No, dear, Detective Carisi and I don't speak much regardless of your presence."_

_"All right, well, I'll see you tomorrow night."_

He was asleep before you even ended the call, you followed his lead.

* * *

You exited the terminal with your duffel bag over your shoulder, scanning the faces in the crowd until you saw a very familiar man looking down at his phone and holding a bouquet of camellias and azaleas. You weaved through the sea of people, making sure to stay out of his line of sight. You snuck your arms around his body from behind, feeling him jump out of his skin. 

_"Madre de Dios! Cali, we aren't all in our twenties anymore! Are you trying to kill me, too?!"_

_ _

You couldn't help but laugh at how much thicker his accent got when he was flustered.

_"Come on, what are the chances that I kill two people in a week?"_

He wrapped his arms around your shoulders though and pulled you in for the tightest hug, you wallowed in it for longer than usual. It felt good to be back in your _real _home. Rafael stepped back, keeping you at arm's length and looked you up and down.

_"You **have **lost weight."_

_"I think I deserve the benefit of the doubt."_

He grabbed your bag from you and led you out to his car, loading it into the back seat and helping you into the passenger side. 

_"Good news and bad news, IAB does not plan to investigate further into Jakobi's death. They ruled it justifiable and want you back on the floor by Friday at the latest. Holidays are over, people are back to committing_ _ heinous crimes."_

_"As long as it wasn't their New Year's resolution. Lay the bad news on me."_

_"Olivia wants you in Huang's office tomorrow, she's already set you up an appointment as well as a physical exam to make sure your ribs are healing properly."_

_"I swear, that woman was born to be a mother. Where are you taking me?"_

_ “I need to pick up some paperwork from the precinct, it won’t take long.” _

Rafael parked his SUV in front of the brick building, it was pitch black inside. You followed him through the double doors, down the hallway and into the squad room.

** _ “HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, CALICO!” _ **

The lights switched on, the room was filled with cheers and those party horns that make the duck sound when you blow in to them. 

You stared in awe at your squad mates, Amanda and Fin stretched a banner that read _**“HAPPY 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY AT SVU”**._ Olivia perched in the middle with a homemade cookie cake in her arms. 

_ “No freaking way, guys, how did y’all remember this??” _

With everything going on, you’d forgotten all about your upcoming milestone. 

_ A- “Truth be told, Dodds came by yesterday looking for you and mentioned it.” _

You made a mental note to thank him the next time you ran into each other. Circling the room, everyone embraced you in tight hugs. Olivia cut the cookie cake and passed out plates of it to you all. It’s wasn’t until after that you finally noticed someone was missing. 

_ “Fin, where’s Sonny?” _

_ “Should still be at my apartment, he said something came up and that he couldn’t makeit.” _

It didn’t sound right, this didn’t sound like Sonny. Your brow furrowed as you looked around at Amanda and Liv, they were cleaning up the decorations and plates, getting ready to head back home for the night. 

_ “Do you care if I stop by to see him? I haven’t been able to reach him the past few days.” _

Fin told you to feel free and wrote down his address for you. 

Rafael dropped you off outside the building and you grabbed your bag from the back seat, hoisting it over your shoulder. 

_ “Are you sure you don’t want me to wait for you? I really don’t mind.” _

_ “No, no, it’s fine. I don’t know how long I’ll be and I can just catch a cab from here.” _

You counted the dings up the elevator, all the way to the 14th floor, walked down the hallway and knocked lightly on the door. Not the booming cop knock that Fin had adapted in his day to day lifestyle. 

_ knock-knock-knock _

You waited a minute or two, nothing. This time knocking a little louder, maybe he hadn’t heard it from inside the guest bedroom. 

** _ KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK _ **

Still, nothing. You pulled out your phone, dialing Sonny’s number. It rang four or five times before being sent to voicemail, like it had intentionally been ignored. At this point, worry was starting to fill your head. You lifted your hand to knock on the door one last time, but it swung wide open just before your fist made contact. Sonny stood in frame, he had a blank expression on his face. 

_ “Hey.. sorry, I tried to call and let you know I was coming home early but I couldn’t-“ _

_ “Yeah, I know. I got your call..” _

The tone in his voice told you something was up, he was being short with you. 

_ “Okay... thought I’d just stop by and check up on you. Can I come in?” _

He didn’t say anything, just moved to the side with his hand still on the doorknob, letting you into the apartment. Never offering you a hug or even a seat. 

_ “Can we talk?..” _

He finally let out a sigh, followed by a_ “Yeah.”_

He led you down the hallway to the bedroom that Fin was loaning him. You sat on the full sized bed in the corner, Sonny stood in front of you with his arms crossed. He refused to look you in the eyes. 

_ “Why do I feel like I’m being given the cold shoulder?” _

He finally looked up from his feet,_ “How about you tell me, Cal.”_

You were honestly in shock. The last time you’d spoke, everything was fine! Well, maybe not fine. You were both upset, but he wasn’t like this. You’d thought he understood that the separation was just temporary, so you could get yourself together.

_ “I’m sorry? I’m not gonna play a guessing game with you, Dom. If I did something please tell me so I can try to fix it.” _

_ “Fix it?? See, here I was not even aware that anything was broken! But apparently I wasn’t doing somethin’ right.” _

You were all for a healthy argument if it meant him getting stress off his shoulders, but you at least wanted to know what you were supposed to be arguing against. 

You stood up from the bed and tried wrapping an arm around his waist. 

_“Babe, you didn’t do anything! I told you, I just needed some time to clear my_ head.”

He pulled his hip away from your reaching arm, _“Oh is that all?”_

Almost laughing as he said it, he reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. He scrolled through it for a moment before handing it to you.  Surely he saw your face drop the second your eyes scanned over the photo on the screen. 

_ “Sonny, that was NOT what it looked like. I stopped by my old precinct to see my squad, that’s my old partner. It was just a hug I SWEAR.” _

_ “Oh okay, just a hug.. go ahead and swipe to the next picture, Cal.” _

You scrolled, it was a photo of you and Jesse sitting in the windowsill at Rembrandt’s. 

_ “Yeah, we got some coffee. I’m even showing him the photos you sent me in this picture, babe.” _

_ “Well that must’ve been VERY awkward considering the next one. Go on.. keep scrolling..” _

His arms were back to being crossed across his chest but his voice didn’t sound angry anymore. It sounded broken, and his face matched it.

I scrolled on and my heart sank into the pit of my stomach.

_ “That was not what it looks like.. you can call Jesse, ask him if you want. I don’t care what I have to do, Sonn-“ _

But he cut you off,_ “You know what, save it. I offered to go down there with you and you were so adamant about going alone.. now I know why.”_

_“Hold on.”_ Gears turned in your head and a sarcastic smile of disbelief crept across your face, pushing his phone back into his hands,_ “You think that while I was laying in a hospital bed.. planning my trip home for my best friend’s funeral, the one that I had just gotten the shit beat out of me for and watched die.. I actually cooked up a plan to break up with you so that you wouldn’t come with me SOLELY for the purpose of sharing ONE kiss with my ex-partner? Am I understanding that correctly?”_

He shrugged but didn’t respond. You let out a breathy half chuckle, literally in disbelief that this was happening.

_“You realize it was probably my ex that sent you those, right?”_

He took a seat on the edge of the bed, elbows resting on his knees. 

_“What difference does it make?”_

_“Are you KIDDING me??”_

Now you were the one angry, you were pissed that he would make assumptions based off of photos sent to him by someone he didn’t even know. Or even worse, if he did know who sent them and still chose to believe him over you.

_“You BEGGED me to open up about my past, my ex, about everything and I DID. You know what he did and you know that he actively STILL tries to control my life, yet you don’t stop to think that maybe, JUST MAYBE, whoever sent you those pictures did so with ill intent?!”_

Sonny went back and forth with you in a screaming match for the ages. Fingers got pointed, doors got slammed, and it ended with you getting caught up in your own frustration, your palms flying out toward Sonny’s chest in what would’ve been a violent shove. But your hands fell short, they lost all of their velocity just before reaching his body. Instead they rested against him gently and that alone calmed both of your voices. You sighed and shook your head, looking up into his eyes. 

_“You know what.. I don’t deserve this.”_

You pulled your hands away from him and turned towards the bed, shoving your bag back over your shoulders. 

_“Pictures don’t lie, Cal.”_

He said it like he was begging you to prove him otherwise, but you just didn’t have the energy anymore. Your heart was tired and had no fight left in it.

_“Maybe not. But they aren’t telling the story that you’re being fed, either.”_

* * *

You laid on Rafael’s king sized bed with one of his Egyptian cotton feather pillows over your face. He sat beside you in a white t-shirt and his boxers. Your cab had pulled up to his apartment around 11 p.m and he’d been letting you sulk for the past hour. He pulled the pillow off of your face to find you laughing hysterically like a mad woman. 

_ “You know, this whole time I’ve thought you were under there crying your eyes out, have you really been LAUGHING??” _

_ “Yes, Rafa, because my life is a fucking joke. God is staring down at me from Heaven as we speak and giving me a big, fat middle finger.” _

You pulled yourself up off the bed and dug a sweatshirt out of your bag to change into, yelling at the ceiling toward God at the same time.

_ “What else ya got, God? Hit me with it now before I get my hopes up about anything else, please!” _

Rafael was staring at you and smiling from the bed, holding back laughter.

_ “There is no way in hell you’re getting the green light from Dr. Huang tomorrow.” _

_ “Oh I will, God hates me and wants to see me back working with Sonny as soon as possible. How much you wanna bet he meets a nice, Italian, catholic girl RIGHT in front of me while we’re working a case next week?” _

_ “Cali, God does not hate you.” _

_ “She’ll be too nice for me to be mean to.” _

_ “You’re overreacting.” _

_ “I’ll have to go to their wedding and pretend like I’m freaking happy for them.” _

You were joking to hide the fact that you felt more betrayed than ever. You didn’t want to go home and feel alone in an apartment full of his stuff, pictures of the two of you hanging on the fridge. You threw yourself onto the bed face first, turning on the pillow to face your friend.

_ “Tell me what to do, Rafa.” _

He lay back beside you,_ “I can’t do that, amor.”_

_ “Yes you can, you’re the bossiest person I know!” _

He sighed and opened his arms, allowing you to roll into them and pulling the comforter over the both of you. 

_ “And you’re the most dramatic person I know."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Song - Bloom by Neck Deep
> 
> Okay guys, next chapter is our TWENTIETH CHAPTER!!! I already have a large portion of it written but I'd really, really love to hear what you guys are thinking so far. If there's anything in the relationships or back ground that you'd like to see happen. I love interacting with you guys. I'm also thinking of doing a special chapter for the Season 21 premier in two weeks so I would really love some feedback. Everyone have a great weekend!


	20. Old Fashioned

You removed your legs from the stirrups and pulled the sheet over your exposed lower half, taking a tissue from Dr. Callahan to clean up the mess of KY jelly that he'd made. 

_"No excess bleeding or pain this past week?"_

_"Nope, I haven't bled at all since Monday."_

_"Great. It looks like everything is healing up very well. There's a tiny chance that you'll have difficulty conceiving in the future, but I don't think you should be any issues since the device was more embedded than it was actually perforated. Feel free to resume your normal sex life, but do use the proper protection to avoid any further unwanted pregnancies."_

Unwanted. With everything going on, you'd easily been able to push the miscarriage to the back of your mind. But that word, _unwanted. _Kids hadn't been a part of your five year plan, but you couldn't help thinking about how things might have ended up.

_"Could you tell.. would everything have been okay if the accident hadn't happened? Or was this gonna happen either way?"_

Dr. Callahan snapped off his gloves and threw them in the trash can near your feet, _"If I remember correctly, all of the tissue that I examined last week looked very normal. You were still early in your pregnancy, so it can be hard to tell, but if I had to make an educated guess.."_

He didn't finish but you understood. You got dressed and he handed you a pamphlet before opening the examination room door.

_"Ms. Jack, it's normal to go through a tough time after this sort of thing.. there's no shame in talking to someone."_

It was a brochure for a "pregnancy loss support group". As if this were even the tip of the iceberg of everything going wrong in your life right now.

_"Thank you, Doctor. I'm going to see my shrink right after this."_

You saw yourself out and took a breather in the front seat of your Subaru, you were thankful to be back in it after driving the old Civic that your Dad refused to get rid of all week. You wondered what Huang was going to say, whether or not he was going to clear you. You didn't even know what was going on inside your own head but knew that he would have it figured out in a matter of minutes. 

Leaning against the door frame of his dimly lit office, you knocked twice. His eyes glanced up from his desk, they were always shining. Like he had the whole world, himself and everyone around him so figured out. 

_"Detective Jack, Olivia told me that I should be expecting you. Please, have a seat."_

His movements were so precise and flowed beautifully from one to the next. He motioned his hand toward the couch that sat in front of an oversized chair. You sat close to the edge of it, hoping this wouldn't take too terribly long. 

_"How was your trip back home?"_

_"It was fine, as fine as it could've been given the circumstances. Thank you for asking."_

He sat in front of you, legs crossed with his notepad on the arm of the chair. 

_"It's normal for feelings to be.. heightened.. or mixed after what you went through. Can you tell me how you've felt emotionally this past week?"_

You knew that lying to him would be useless, he'd pick up on it immediately and would likely call you out on it, too.

_"Honestly, ever since I walked out of that house, I've mostly just felt empty. Sometimes I get a little burst of sadness or anger, it doesn't last long. But other than that, I just feel.. hollow."_

He scribbled on his notepad and nodded his head, you were probably digging your own grave being so honest with him. But you knew by now that if something was going to go wrong, it was going to happen regardless of what you said on that couch.

_"Have you found yourself making less rational decisions, maybe doing things that put your life in danger without realizing it at first?"_

_"Nope, if anything I feel I've been second guessing my gut instinct a lot less since that night."_

_"Can you elaborate?"_

You hesitated before admitting what happened.

_"Um, I pulled a uh.. gun on my ex while I was back home."_

_"Do you feel that was justifiable?"_

_"Absolutely. He ruined my life for **years **and he's still fucking raping me from 900 miles away."_

It spilled out of your mouth like word vomit, just like at Hana's funeral. Huang looked at you like he knew you weren't finished, giving you the okay to keep going.

_"I came here to get away from him and he's still got a hand on the reigns. If I can't be happy with him, he doesn't want me to be happy with anyone."_

_"I'm getting the feeling that more has happened than just the incident with your friend? Do you want to tell me about that?"_

_"Do I really have a choice?"_

He smiled and sat his pen and notepad down on the small table beside him, resting his hands in his lap and leaning toward you.

_"You seem tired, Detective. Have you noticed a change in your sleeping pattern this week?"_

_"No, I've actually gotten a normal amount of sleep this week. My birth control was just removed, the doctor said that lack of energy is a normal side effect while my hormones start to adjust."_

_"That's true, I want you to keep an eye out for other side effects though. Lack of or excessive sleep, agitation, inability to focus, decrease in appetite."_

He stopped at lack of appetite.

_"Forgive me if I'm wrong, it's been a few weeks since we worked together, but it seems to me that you've lost a little bit of weight. Have you been eating regularly?"_

_"God, I've missed a few meals, Huang! I'm not starving myself, I've just got much more important things to worry about than eating right now."_

He didn't respond, just scribbled down a few more notes.

_"What are you writing?"_

_"That you're holding back on me. You're hiding something, Cali. I won't clear you to go back to work until you spill it."_

_"What do you want me to say to you, George? I feel like my freaking life is spiraling out of control and all anyone is worried about is whether or not I've had more than a fucking cup of coffee lately."_

_"But more **has** happened than just the events of the raid last week. I don't think that you actually feel hollow, I think that you're burying it so deep that 'empty' is the only thing your psyche is allowing you to feel. Now, you can either tell me what's going on, or you can come back once you're tired of sitting at home alone all day."_

You knew that he didn't usually grill his clients like this, he wanted to let you go back to work but couldn't without being sure that you wouldn't have a mental breakdown with a department issued gun in your hand. You took in a deep breath and leaned back against the cushions.

_"Sonny and I broke up before I left town. It wasn't supposed to be permanent, but my ex sent him pictures of me with my old partner from back home, so.."_

_"So that's why you feel like your life is out of control? Your separation with Detective Carisi?"_

_"Yeah, partially. I asked him for time apart so I could clear my head, make sure I was ready for a long term relationship.. by the time I'd made up my mind he'd already changed his, I guess."_

_"I see.. what else?"_

You lifted your head from the back of the couch, looking Huang in the eyes. 

_"Keep going."_

_"Don't tell anyone, please.."_

_"Everything that you say in this room is confidential, you know that."_

You had to work yourself up to it.. it took you a minute but he was very patient.

_"I uh.. miscarried. After I was attacked during the raid I miscarried."_

_"How do you feel about that?"_

_"Confused, I guess? I mean, how can I mourn something that I didn't know existed. Something that I don't even know if I wanted.."_

Huang got up from his chair and took a seat on he couch beside you, grabbing a box of tissues from the end table.

_"Have you talked to Carisi about this?"_

_"For what? So he can have more of a reason to resent me? He already thinks I cheated on him, sure, let's just throw it out there that MY negligence caused the death of his fucking child-"_

Your voice cracked on the last word, hand moving to your mouth to hide your quivering lips. He pulled a tissue from the box and handed it to you.

_"Do you feel guilty, Detective?"_

_"God, yes.. yes."_

He placed a hand on your shoulder, it surprisingly brought you some degree of comfort.

_"Good. You may not understand it now, but this is a sign that you are entering the 'depression' level of the stages of grief."_

_"How is that, 'good', Dr. Huang?"_

_"The depression stage is not to be confused with true depression. It may feel like it's never going to end, but it will. Yours may last a little longer than most peoples', given that you're grieving two losses, but I don't believe that you're a danger to yourself or anyone around you."_

You breathed a sigh of relief and held a hand over your chest.

_"Does this mean I can go back to work?"_

_"Do you WANT to go back to work so soon?"_

Huang relocated to his desk, filling out the appropriate paperwork that you would give to Olivia. He extended the papers toward you, but held onto them as you tried to grab them from his hand.

_"I do suggest you abstain from recreational drinking for the next few weeks, Ms. Jack. It can be easy to fall into a dark place during this time. And though it's completely your choice, I think speaking to Detective Carisi about the loss will help you, please consider it."_

You nodded your head.

_"I understand, thanks for looking out for me."_

* * *

You poured your glass half full of cheap white wine back at your apartment, watching the way the glass fogged up before taking much too big of a sip. The sun was setting through your windows and you heard a knocking at your door, knowing exactly who it was. You opened the door and exchanged awkward _"Hey" 's _through the frame_._

_"I figured I should come get my stuff, get it out of your way."_

You stepped to the side and extended your arm, welcoming him inside. He walked in slowly with his hands still stuffed into his pockets.

_"Hittin' the bottle early tonight?"_

_"It's got a low alcohol content, you want some?"_

_"I'm good, how was your meeting with Huang?"_

You fucking hated this. How one week, one mistake, turned the two of you into strangers again. Less than strangers, even. 

_"Fine, he cleared me to go back to work tomorrow."_

_"Tomorrow? You don't feel like you need more time?"_

_"So I can sit in this apartment alone all day? No, I'll go crazy if I don't get back out there."_

Sonny looked you up and down for a moment, his eyes were still heavy from the painful week you'd both had. Before he got there, you'd considered taking Dr. Huang's advice, but after seeing him now.. there was no way you could tell him.

_"That my shirt?"_

You looked down at what you were wearing, you'd just thrown on the first clean clothes you could find.

_"Uh, yeah.. my bad. I'll give it back after-"_

_"Don't worry about it. It looks looser on you.."_

_"Don't say it, Sonny."_

_"How much weight have you lost?"_

You'd noticed it, too. Probably a combination of the miscarriage and your inability to find anything appetizing. Anything but coffee, which was losing its effectiveness the more you forced down. As painful as it would be, all you wanted was to fall into his chest and tell him the truth. But you just rolled your eyes.

_"None, Dom, jeez. You're the third person since I've been back.."_

_"I just worry about you, doll."_

A slip of his tongue and a stab right through your heart. You cleared your throat to stop from getting choked up when you spoke and nodded your head toward his boxes and bags of clothes.

_"Come on, I'll help you carry these down."_

You carried boxes down the stairwell behind him, both of you avoiding the elevator where you'd shared more than just kisses over the past few months. Up and down the steps until you loaded the last box, he pushed the back door shut as you stepped back onto the sidewalk. Unable to find the words to say to him, you just stared at each other for a moment.

_"I'm sorry for, uh.. how I reacted last night. I know I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions before asking for your side of the story."_

You shrugged your shoulders and pursed your lips. What good was this conversation now? The fact that you'd just helped him load all of his stuff into the back of a car already told you that he wasn't changing his mind about moving out. 

_"You're right, you shouldn't have.. And I'm sorry for going awry on the job all the time. You're my partner, not my babysitter."_

_"So.. you still wanna be my partner then?"_

_"I mean, Fin can't exactly keep up and no perp is gonna take two blondes seriously, so.."_

Sonny looked down at his feet before responding, his voice quieter now.

_"Did we rush things, Cal?"_

You'd been asking yourself that question since the moment he raised his voice at you that night in the squad room.

_"I think we did what felt right."_

He sucked in a deep breath and nodded.

_"Right.. I guess I'll see you in the morning. Try to get some sleep."_

You stepped back from the curb and watched him drive away, your eyes following the car down the street and around the corner. It hurt so fucking bad that he hadn't offered you a kiss on the head, a hug, a god damned handshake, anything. You felt your skin burning in the cool, January air. 

You rushed inside and finished off your glass of wine, filling it back up and swallowing it all down once again.

* * *

Three weeks passed by, the slowest three weeks of your life. You were spending just as much time at Rafael's and Amanda's as you were your own just to avoid being alone in your apartment that felt much, much too big for just one person now. As much as it pained both you and Sonny working beside each other every day, things were going as good as they could be. You'd managed to keep your break up on the down low so that it wouldn't be made a big deal around the precinct and had finally given into Rafael's badgering to make a harassment report about your ex violating your TPO over and over again.

You were standing at one interrogation room window watching Rafael and Amanda speak to Maggie Householder while Sonny stood at the window beside it. He listened to Olivia talk to Maggie's husband, Aaron. All having just gotten back to the precinct after a short lived hostage situation. Your painstaking expression matching his, he finally spoke.

_"I'm glad I'm not that judge, maybe I'll stay a cop."_

_"It's just not right.. sending a guy like that to prison."_

Olivia and Rafael exited the separate rooms at the same time, the testimonies having a visible effect on both of them.

_R- "I concur.."_

_O- "Surely you don't think we should lock him up?"_

_R- "My Dad always said he wasn't afraid of being dead, he was afraid of dying. That kid is dying every day and he's taking his folks with him.."_

Amanda stepped out of her room, Mrs. Householder following close behind.

_A- "She wants to see him.."_

Olivia nodded toward the adjacent door and let Mrs. Householder inside, closing it behind her to give them some level of privacy. They just stared at each other for a second before speaking each others' names, then embraced. It reminded you too much of the night that you finally caught Alex, your next door neighbor. Neither of them were guilty, neither of them innocent, but both in a tremendous amount of pain. Pain that was overflowing and leaking out into you and your teammates.

You watched Rafael from his office doorway as he stared out into the nighttime lights of the city that you both served, never having seen a case hit him like this before.

_"What's so interesting about that window?"_

He took another sip from his glass before turning around and pouring you one as well. 

_"My father died seven years ago, he sat on life support for six weeks. I hated the man, but I didn't want the burden of being the reason that took his last breath.."_

_"You were doing what you thought was **right, **Rafael."_

_"No, I was being selfish. I could've ended it but I said 'Where there's life, there's hope." and in return he suffered.. What would you do, Cali?"_

You shrugged your shoulders and sipped the scotch, lowering yourself to the arm of the couch.

_"I don't know. And I hope that it's a decision I never have to make, but this is the part of our jobs that they don't train you for.."_

_"It's a shame, no matter how hard we try.. we can't legislate morality.."_

You finished your glass and moved toward the door, halted by Rafael's questioning.

_"Will you be over tonight?"_

You sighed before admitting the sin you planned to commit, followed by the shaking of your head.

_"I think I've followed Huang's orders to 'abstain from recreational drinking' long enough."_

He lifted his glass to you in farewell, giving you no indication of the sins _he _was about to commit.

You poured yourself another glass full of ice and Jameson back in your apartment, you were tired of sitting around alone. Watching Sonny be okay day in and day out pained you to your absolute core. You brushed your hair into their long, flowing waves and pulled on a top that plunged drastically down your chest. The honeybee necklace you'd been given resting between your breasts. 

** _ _ **

You sat on a bar stool in the dimly lit cigar lounge, Club Macanudo, it was nestled between Hell's Kitchen and the Upper East side, not far from your apartment. You kept to yourself, jotting down notes from work files you'd saved on your phone and signaling for the bartender to fill you up again. Already regretting dressing up and spending money to do the same thing you would've done had you stayed home, but at a fraction of the cost. You didn't smoke cigars, but had reluctantly picked back up your old cigarette habit in an attempt to calm your nerves. Sipping your second Old Fashioned, your face turned down.

_"Too bitter?"_

You didn't bother to turn your head, having already asked a few men almost triple your age to give you some space. 

_"No, too sweet. They pack their sugar cubes too tight here."_

The figure took the stool beside you, waving a finger at the bartender, _"Sir, take this back, please. Can we get two Old Fashions made with Booker's instead. Half the cube and add a vanilla bean to both."_

You were too taken aback to really be offended, but you also weren't going to let a stranger order a drink that you knew you wouldn't enjoy.

_"Actually, make mine with Eagle Rare."_

You finally turned to face the man resting beside you, expecting it to be another husky sixty year old with grey hair and a cigar hanging out of his mouth. You were pleasantly surprised at how wrong you were. He was a younger man, older than you but younger than most of the others in the room. Blessed with a strong jaw line and sporting short brown hair, wearing slacks, a striped white button up with the sleeves rolled up and a tie.

_"Sorry, I hate Jim Beam."_

He noticed your accent the second time around and it caught him off guard, _"Maybe you'd enjoy a long island more?"_

_"Maybe I would if it were actually made with tea. **Sweet **tea, that is."_

He was right, half the sugar cube with a vanilla bean made the perfect Old Fashioned. Bitter enough to not hurt your teeth but sweet enough that you didn't have to force it down. You made small talk, him asking where you were from and what you did for a living. All questions that you plead the fifth on, and he laughed, assuming you didn't actually know what the term meant. But you didn't care what he actually thought of you, it was just nice to see a bright, shining smile for once.

_"All right, all right, what **can **you tell me about yourself then? I'm new to town, this your regular spot?"_

_"Nah, I usually hit up Prohibition on the Upper East Side but I didn't want to spend my night surrounded by drunk college guys, so here I am."_

_"Prohibition, I'll have to remember that one the next time I need to find a pretty face to look at."_

_"Don't bother, the only people who go there are the ones looking for trouble."_

He tipped the glass all the way back, letting the remainder of the drink spill into his mouth. Sliding it toward the bartenders hand and making the "cut" motion, meaning to close out his tab.

_"Funny.." _His hand reached out to you, taking the small pendant around your neck in his hand. His fingers brushing your skin before rolling it around between them, _"that's exactly what I came here looking for."_

His eyes looked up from your chest to meet yours, noticing the chill bumps that had formed on your skin and the way your breathing had shallowed. 

* * *

Your nails dug into the skin on his chest as intense pleasure rolled over you, your hips rolling back and forth on top of him. He gripped your waist hard and you watched his expression change from anxious, to ecstasy and finally to absolute satisfaction. You sat on top of him for a moment, catching your breath and allowing your legs to stop shaking before finally pulling him out of you laying back beside him. Staring at the vaulted ceiling of his studio loft that just a few moments ago had been filled with your mixed moans and grunts. His eyes were closed, one arm resting above his head. You thought he'd already fallen asleep but soon, he spoke.

_"Good God, where did you come from.."_

You laughed through heavy breathing and slid your sweaty body off of his damp sheets, filling a stray cup with water from the sink and choking down as much as you could while he tied off the condom. Standing in front of the curtainless window that displayed a breathtaking view of the city, the moonlight illuminating your naked body. It would've been a much more beautiful view had the sky not fallen while you were preoccupied.

There were a few moving boxes scattered around the apartment, he wasn't lying when he said he was new to town. You felt his hand on the small of your back, sliding around your waist. 

_"Terrible weather to walk home in.."_

You felt his lips touch your neck, rolling your head to the side for him to access it easier.

_"I can call you a cab.. or you can stay for round two if you want."_

His fingers slid further down your skin, slipping between your legs. And finally, for the first time in the past month you felt something besides anger or sadness. Both of those emotions plus the lingering hollowness that filled your soul was replaced with the need to have someone, anyone, touch you. And for tonight, he would do. You spread your legs just enough for him to get where he wanted.

_"You're on top this time."_

You woke up in the stranger's bed, your eyes peaking open with the sun shining into them through the huge windows that filled his wall. You brought your arm up to your face to block the blinding light and felt your hand around on the bed for your cell phone, finally finding it stuffed under his pillow.

You gasped loudly and your squinting eyes shot open as you jumped out of the bed, _"Shit!"_

Your yell startled him as well as you searched the floor for your clothes, pulling on your underwear and jeans from the night before. You heard him mumble against the pillow.

_"What's wrong?"_

_"I forgot to set my damn alarm, I'm late for work."_

The stranger sat up in his bed and grabbed your bra from the floor beside him, tossing it to you.

_"I can give you a ride if you'd like, I should probably be heading out as well-"_

_"No, no, that's fine. Can I borrow this?"_

You held up the striped, button up shirt he'd been wearing just a few hours ago.

_"I don't have time to run by my place and there's no way I can wear that-"_

_"No, yeah, go for it."_

You pulled his shirt over your shoulders and buttoned it up as quickly as possible, tucking it in and pulling on your boots. The boots that you were thanking god you'd chosen to wear over heels.

_"Hey, I didn't catch your name last night."_

You shoved your phone into your back pocket and your bag over your head, leaning over the bed and giving him a quick, meaningless kiss on the lips before darting for the front door.

_"I know. I had a good time, maybe I'll see you around!"_

It was easier this way, safer. Not letting your hookups know your name or who you were. They didn't get attached, you didn't become a booty call, you both got what you wanted and that's the end of that. Slamming the door behind you, you started down his elevator and hailed a cab fairly quickly toward the precinct. 

Through the squad room doors you ran straight into your partner, Sonny. He grabbed you by the shoulders, stilling your legs that had barely stopped moving since the second you walked out of Fin's apartment just a few weeks ago.

_"Whoa, whoa, slow down. I was just about to call you, everything okay?"_

Your mind was finally starting to catch up to your body and you looked up into his eyes, probably the first time you had in the past month. You couldn't help but feel like you'd somehow betrayed him. 

_"Yeah, sorry I just overslept. Anything going on?"_

The worry that you were seeing in his eyes you could now tell wasn't meant for you, the rest of your squad standing around their desks behind him.

_"What happened??"_

_"It's Barba.. he's being charged with murder."_

* * *

You glued your eyes to your computer the best you could throughout the day, avoiding looking at Sonny. As if he could tell that you'd slept with a stranger that you'd picked up at a bar, or as if you still had some sort of commitment to him in the first place. Though that should've been the last thing on your mind, considering one of your closest friends would be standing trial for killing something that was already everything but dead. There was an awkward silence that lingered in the room over the loud clicking of keyboards. You felt Sonny's eyes burning a hole in you over the top of your laptop, allowing yours to wander up and meet his.

_"You smell like smoke.. picked up the cancer sticks again?"_

He was annoying you extra hard today, everything was. When you weren't having trouble sleeping you were having trouble waking up, because you'd gotten too used to Sonny being the one to set his alarm at night. You'd noticed him looking at other women more often, or maybe you just never caught it before, yet he still wanted to show concern for your well being in places where it didn't even matter. 

_"Yeah, Sonny, because I'm stressed the fuck out."_

_"Those things are gonna kill ya one day, y'know."_

_"Please, I'm more likely to die with a perp's gun to my head."_

You heard him suck in his breath sharp and saw his jaw stiffen. He didn't respond.

_"I'm sorry.. it's been a tough few weeks."_

He nodded his head and diverted his eyes back to his computer. You couldn't tell, but he still worried. Every day, every hour, every minute. He worried that your habit of walking home at night was going to put you in harms way, that your routine of going to the bar alone was going to attract the wrong guy, and that your finicky door was going to cave the first time some crazy guy with the hots for you decided he wanted a piece of ass. He still thought about how stupid he was for making such a rational decision that night when you came to see him at Fin's apartment, regretting it every day. And more recently, he was noticing the way some of these patrol officers, civilians, hell even suspects looked at you throughout your work day together. But what right did he have to get angry when he was the one who threw it all away?

You heard the click of Olivia's low heels behind your back as DA McCoy strutted through the precinct doors, _"Mr. McCoy, hello. Please, ADA Barba is the best I've ever worked with. He is honest, and honorable-_

You'd only met McCoy a few times, and you were sure he was a good guy, but something in you hated the smug look that he had on his face right then.

_"But I can't have my ADAs running around killing people, it's unbecoming."_

Liv's lips flattened into a straight line as she tried to hold back to pained expression on her face. She wanted just as much as you did to be able to just fix this whole situation, "_He was just doing what he thought was **right**.."_

_"I know that, you know that. Let's hope the jury agrees with us.. but for now, Lt. Benson, say hello to Peter Stone. He's the hotshot out of Chicago who's going to be Special Counsel in People vs. Rafael Barba."_

You lifted your head to take a look at the bastard who would try, and hopefully fail, to but Barba behind bars. Thank God Sonny turned in his chair at that same moment, or else he would've seen the absolute look of shock on your face. The stranger that you'd just allowed spend the night between your legs was standing right in front of you, of your ex-boyfriend, and of your entire squad. Unfortunately, yours were the first eyes that he made contact with. He quickly darted them away and extended a hand toward Olivia, clearing his throat.

_"It's a pleasure."_

But she denied his peace offering, looking at him with war in her eyes, _"I sure hope you suck."_ Before turning on her heels and making her way back to her office, slamming the door behind her.

You and the rest of your coworkers watched DA McCoy lead Stone out of your squad room, eyes on them like they were zebras walking out of the lion's den unscathed. Stone's head turned over his shoulder one last time before walking out the door, catching your eye for just a moment. Sonny _did _catch it that time.

_"You know that guy?"_

But you shook your head, eyes still following him out the door. Denying the truth while wearing his shirt.

_"I don't think so, he just looked familiar."_

_"I bet he does, dude used to pitch for the Cubs!"_

You jokingly smacked yourself on the head, relieved that Sonny hadn't put two and two together.

_"Right, right, that must be it.."_

* * *

You sat at your desk after everyone else had left, making notes about a familial rape case that you and Sonny had picked up earlier in the afternoon. Very few lights lit up the precinct, one in the hallway, one over the holding cell and one right above your desk. Aside from the overnight patrol officer that was guarding the one perp he'd recently picked up, it was just you. Just you until you saw a nice pair of oxford's step through the open door frame. Your eyes trailed up the figure - slacks, dress shirt, tie, and then the new face that you'd already spent too much time in the same room as.

_"Late night, Detective?"_

_"Something like that."_

His eyes wandered to the patrol officer then back to yours, he nodded his head toward the doorway. You took that as your sign to call it a night, so you packed it up and followed him out the door. He stopped a little ways down the street, taking a seat on a bench on the corner.

_"This? This is where you wanna talk about it?"_

_"We can go back to my apartment to talk if you want."_

He laughed, knowing how ridiculous it sounded. It offered you some level of relief knowing that the conversation wasn't going to be as awkward as you'd expected. You sat down beside him, eyes forward.

_"I hope this doesn't come off the wrong way.. but it's best that no one knows about what happened last night."_

You clutched your chest and rolled your head back, _"Oh, thank God! I didn't wanna be the first to say it but yes, I 100% agree."_

_"And your DA, Barba, I swear I have nothing personal against him."_

_"Oh I know, but I agree with my Lieutenant. I do hope you suck."_

He sucked in a deep breath before his confession, _"Part of me does, too."_

You looked at him as he looked ahead, seeing a different man before you than you did the night before. Or at least as a man in general, not just someone to take Sonny off of your mind for a few hours. You stood up from your seat.

_"Here, let me walk you home. It's late-"_

You shook your hand slightly in front of you, waving him off.

_"No," _laughing, _"I don't let my one nighters know where I live, don't want them coming around for seconds."_

He stood up as well, towering over you. He shoved his hands in his pockets and sized you up for a moment with his eyes.

_"Can I at least catch your name this time around?"_

_"Cal, Cali, or Detective Jack. Pick one."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Song - Someone New by Hozier
> 
> This chapter is pretty long but moves pretty fast. HAPPY 20TH CHAPTER, GUYS!! Thank you all for sticking with me this long. I'd really love if any of you could tell me what days you usually check for updates, I plan to start writing throughout the week and updating on a specific day weekly.   
PLEASE leave any comments, suggestions, remarks, I appreciate them all!


	21. Police Charity Ball

February came and went by slower than ever, having spent it spent it mostly alone. Sonny asked your plans for Valentine's Day, but choked on asking you out when you replied that you had a date with your bathtub, a bottle of rosé and a box of Russell Stover Cherry Cordials. You weren't lying to him, not in the beginning. That _is _how your night started out, it just ended with you between some girl's legs that you'd picked up at the bar. Not something you did often, but watching Peter Stone walk into your squad room just hours after you'd rebound fucked him scared you enough to steer clear of handsome men ten years your senior in suits for awhile.

Sonny spent the night alone in his new apartment that he was renting month-to-month, holding out on hope that something would change. That he could take it all back and you two could pick back up where you left off. He asked himself over and over again what had stopped him, why was he all of a sudden so intimidated by you? Eventually concluding that it was out of the fear of rejection, the same thing that stopped him the months before your initial date.

You'd lost nearly all contact with Rafael since his trial. His decision, not yours. But you resentfully understood, he needed to move on with his life and you couldn't keep depending on him to hold you together every time you needed to just feel someone next to you at night. So on the nights where you felt too alone to handle, you offered to keep Amanda's little girls preoccupied so she could have a little time to straighten up her house, cook dinner or just enjoy some peace and quiet. 

But now it was the beginning of March, the winter ground was finally starting to unthaw and you could feel your heart doing the same. It didn't hurt you to cut up with Sonny anymore and you could look at old photos of Hana fondly without pushing back tears. You felt yourself smiling again with faking it. 

* * *

You stood next to Peter, watching Sonny through the two way glass mirror in Interrogation #1. He was getting no where with the rape suspect that you two had been tracking for the past two weeks. His track record spanned back years over multiple jurisdictions, but no one had put the pieces together until just recently. 

Justice McKee was a 35 year old, greasy man with a pot belly and thinning hair. To put it frankly, he was just dumb. Like Lennie from Of Mice and Men; dumb and much too strong for his own good. Justice had an obsession with light haired 20 year olds and stilettos, more than one of his victims could've passed for your doppelgänger. 

You knocked on the window and Sonny got up from his chair, closing the door to the interrogation room behind him, frustrated. 

_"Well that was a bust, dude won't even look me in the eyes."_

Peter was still new to SVU, but he was catching on quickly. He knew that all of the evidence against Justice was circumstantial, "_As of right now a back page defense attorney could derail this case in twenty minutes. No DNA, none of your victims can make a positive ID and your ONE potential witness admits to being on coke at the time of the incident. Get a confession or cut him loose."_

Sonny and Peter were becoming good friends, it made you feel awkward to say the least, standing between the two most recent men to make you orgasm. Peter had caught on to your breakup with Sonny, and as far as you knew Sonny still had no clue about your night with Peter. You preferred to keep it that way.

_"Put me in, coach!"_

The corners of Sonny's lips turned up, _"Play ball!", _His hand twisting the door knob and pushing it open for you. Leaving you to yourself with Justice while he and Peter watched from the other side of the window.

_"Hi, Justice. My name is Detective Jack, can I sit with you?"_

His head turned to attention before you even spoke, the second he heard your heel click against the cement floor. Still holding out on speaking though, he just nodded his head.

_"I'm sorry it's so hot in here, I've asked them to turn it down. I hope you don't mind."_

You pulled the chair out from the other side of the table, scooting it toward the corner next to him. You slid your blazer, well, Amanda's borrowed blazer, off of your shoulders and draped it over the back of the chair. Leaving you in your rose colored stilettos, tight skinny jeans and matching pink cami. That was the order that he saw them in at least, as he eyed you from the ground up. 

Sonny felt the hairs on his neck stand up, remembering that look in your eye. You used to give it to him and it had never failed to make him him melt into your arms.

_"This is like a strip tease for the perv. Stone, will this not be thrown out as coercion?"_

_"Let's just see where she's going with this..."_

You sat at the corner of the table and asked how he was doing so far, apologized for your partner's poor attitude, talked sweet to him until he finally broke eye contact and cast his gaze down at your toes. You crossed one thigh over the other, causing your heel to inch closer toward him. 

_"You like them?"_

_"Oh yeah, what are they?"_

Pointing your toes upward, showing him the bright red soles that matched the shade his cheeks had turned.

_"Louboutins? Those must've cost a fortune."_

_"To be honest, I'm not sure. This rich guy I used to fuck bought them for me when he took me to some dinner with his colleagues."_

Peter and Sonny were both stunned at your abrupt change of direction, Peter telling Sonny to pull her out and figure out her game plan before anything went any further. But Sonny's knuckles stopped short when he heard Dr. Huang's voice behind them.

_"No, leave her in. See the way he's shifted his eyes from the shoes to her face? The way the bridge of his nose wrinkled up, he's disgusted."_

He was right, Justice was making eye contact with you again but this time was staring a hole through you. He wasn't seeing you as the sweet detective in Louboutins anymore.

_"I see.. so you prostituted yourself out for a nice pair of shoes."_

_"Oh no, I was fucking him before and even shortly after."_

He rolled his eyes, _"Always the rich guys that get the hottest pieces of ass.."_

You held back a smile, knowing he'd taken your bait. But neither Sonny nor Peter held back their clenched jaws.

_"I didn't know he was a doctor when we met, guess I just thought he was a hot guy in the bar. Looking back, I think I might have a 'type'. Older, tall guys in suits."_

He didn't respond. Peter started to sweat, realizing you were loosely describing him. He wanted to pull you out of there before Sonny realized.

_"Great, he's shutting down. We aren't gonna get a damn thing out of him now."_

Huang once again stopped them from ending your interrogation, _"No, he's getting angry. Leave her, she knows what she's doing."_

You tapped the end of your pencil against the table.

_"Do you have a type, Justice?"_

Finally, you could see the rage building up in his eyes. You wondered if he'd hid it better with the other girls, or if they'd seen it too before they were knocked out cold.

_'Yeah, apparently it's fucking whores."_

You chuckled softly at his attempt of an insult, having been called much worse before, _"You think I'm a whore? That's fine.."_

Tossing a photo of a broken, beaten girl onto the table in front of him, _"Did you think Gemma Lively was a whore?"_

He spat back, _"She WAS a whore!"_

You dropped another similar photo on top of the last, _"Yeah? What about Phoebe Weston?"_

"_Nothing but a god damned slut."_

You dropped the photos one after another, showing him his damage.

_"Celeste Rossi, Grace Brooks, Scarlet Henry, I can go on! So tell me, Justice. Were ALL of these women whores? Or would they just have rather fucked someone that bathes more than once a week?"_

He snapped, slamming his fists down on the table and scream, _"YES! YES, THAT'S WHY I RAPED THEM! EVERY LAST GOD DAMN ONE OF THEM WERE WHORES AND **YOU. **YOU ARE, TOO!"_

His palm reached out for your throat but didn't get the chance to close its grip around you, feeling the sharp tip of the pencil you'd been playing with against his carotid artery.

_"Do it. I've heard drowning on your own blood is absolutely lovely."_

Justice lowered has hand back down to the table, still clenched into a fist. His eyes sunk from pure hatred to instant regret and his voice quieted.

_"I think I'd like to speak with my lawyer."_

_"I think that sounds like a good idea."_

You stood from your chair and strutted out of the room, closing the door behind you and reaching down to pull off those insanely uncomfortable heels.

_"For the record, I've never fucked a doctor and these are NOT Louboutins."_

Peter laughed and clapped his hands slowly, _"Wow, how'd you know that was his MO??"_

_"Just look at him.. poor guy's never slept with a willing participant in his life."_

The thought of his sweaty, greasy fingers around your throat was setting into your brain, making your skin crawl.

_"God, I'm gonna catch a shower to wash the Dorito dust off me."_

You stepped out of the shower with a towel wrapped tightly around your chest, down the hall and into the locker room that you shared with the rest of the precinct. Noticing Sonny standing with one shoulder against your locker, waiting for you and looking worried, as usual. He'd seen you in so much less, but suddenly you felt extremely exposed. 

_"Hey.."_

_"Hey.. I just wanted to make sure you were good. He got pretty close in there, so.."_

You scoffed, _"Yeah, I'm good. I've had closer calls."_

_"What would you have done if he hadn't backed off?"_

He didn't say it with his typical agitated tone, he asked it like a real question. You joined with one shoulder against the locker in front of him, contemplating for a moment.

_"You would've been in there before I had a chance to do anything at all."_

Seeing you in the dim light, in this warm room with water still dripping from your hair.. He really had just come to ask how you were but couldn't help himself from thinking back to all the opportunities he'd already missed. And all those emotions you'd thought were slowly disappearing, you felt them creeping their way back under your skin.

_"What'd you really come back here for, Dom?"_

_"I was actually uh.. wondering if you were going to the Police Charity Ball tomorrow night.."_

He felt like he was asking Crissy Moretti to prom all over again. But unlike Crissy, you smiled at him when you saw the light pink shade that his cheeks had turned.

_"Are you asking me on a date, Dominick?'_

Poking fun at him, Sonny finally cracked a smile back. It almost felt like old times again, back before either of you admitted to yourselves that crushes were had.

_"I meeeaannn, we're both gonna be there anyways. We might as well color coordinate, right?"_

_"Well you know I've got a thing for velvet-"_

You found yourself getting caught up in the back and forth flirting/teasing mess that you used to pull on him. As if nothing _really _had ever changed. But you stopped yourself, he watched you do it.

_"But.."_

As much as you wanted things to be the old days, they weren't. A month and a half had passed without him so much as mentioning your previous relationship, and you never wanted to feel as empty as you did when he left ever again.

_"But I'm healing, Sonny.. I don't want rumors getting spread and people pushing us back together before we're ready. I hope you can understand that."_

He could understand it, even respect it, but he still hated it. He wished you didn't need time to heal, unsure if you meant healing from the loss of Hana, Barba, or him. 

_"I do, I'm sorry I asked."_

You watched him walk between the lockers and toward the hallway that would bring him back into the squad room where the seeds of your relationship originally sprouted. You WERE going to the charity event, but planning to do so alone. You didn’t feel comfortable bringing someone new around the squad, even though Olivia, Fin and Amanda were all dragging dates with them. At least you knew now that Sonny would be going stag as well.

You picked up the dress you planned to wear on your way home and stopped by the deli for a quick bowl of soup, nestling in the corner of the room by the fireplace with your meal and some papers you needed to finish filling out. Soon feeling a pair of eyes watching you from behind. You resisted turning around to avoid eye contact with whoever was staring at you. You’d almost kicked the feeling completely before the familiar voice startled you out of the trance you’d worked yourself into.

_ “Hey, stranger.” _

Peter saw you jump just a hair.

_ “Jesus, Stone! You really shouldn’t sneak up on someone that literally has a license to kill!” _

_ “And you shouldn’t be writing sensitive reports in a public setting.” _

_ “Yet here we are. Are you following me?” _

You hadn’t formed any sort of friendship with Peter since he joined SVU, actually keeping your distance from him to avoid anyone finding out about your semi-drunken night together. But he had taken your advice once or twice and had a few drinks and Prohibition, making awkward eye contact with you from across the room.

_ “After watching you use a sharpened pencil as a weapon? I wouldn’t dare. It’s pretty crowded in here, do you mind?” _

You offered him the chair across the table and he took it.

_ “If you’re avoiding me in hopes that I won’t tell Detective Carisi about what happened, there’s no need to worry about that.” _

_ “It’s not you that I’m worried about, Peter. If ANYONE found out - a defense attorney, a patrol officer, anyone - Sonny would catch wind of it in less than a day. People gossip in our line of work.” _

He nodded his head, _“Not to get in your business, but what happened between you two?”_

You’d answered this question over and over again already. To Olivia, Amanda, Fin, patrol officers, desk clerks, and everyone inbetween. There was no exact answer.

_ “You’re friends, maybe he should be the one to tell you.” _

He shook his head while taking a bite of his sandwich, _“I wouldn’t call us friends, we’ve grabbed a beer once or twice but that’s it.”_

_ “We just broke up, Peter. That’s all.” _

He accepted your answer and ate in silence for a bit, allowing you to finish your paperwork and meal before following you outside the deli onto the equally as crowded sidewalk.

_ “Want me to walk you home?” _

Your head shook and responded playfully.

_ “I told you, I don’t let my one nighters know where I live.” _

_ “Don’t want them coming around for seconds?” _

_ “That’s right.” _

_ “I already had my seconds though, right?” _

_ _

He teased, looking at you with the same smile that had gotten you into his bed the first time. You laughed out nervously, _“Fuck you, dude.”_ while walking away from him backwards.

_ “Hey! Am I gonna see you at the charity event tomorrow?” _

_ “Yep, alone!” _

Alone, that’s how you planned to arrive and leave.

* * *

Saturday evening slowly rolled around after having spent all of Friday night and the following morning in bed. It had done you good, the heavy bags under your eyes were finally starting to fade. Though you still covered them with concealer, your lids with a subtle shadow and your lips with a dark red, velvety lipstick.

You felt lost walking into the huge, elegant convention center. Not recognizing any of the faces until you saw a hand raised above the crowd, waving you over. It was Amanda, standing in a semi circle with the rest of your crew, plus Chief Dodds and minus Sonny. You “excuse me” and “pardon me”’d your way over to them, embracing the Chief and kissing him on the cheek.

_ “Cali, you look beautiful! How’s your old man?” _

_ “Thank you, he’s great. Moved his girlfriend in a few months ago, they seem to be hittin’ it off real well.” _

_ “Good, good, I’m glad to hear he’s finally met someone.” _

He turned towards the rest of your coworkers, _“If you’ll excuse me, there’s a District Attorney I need to grill.”_

Dodds left the circle, headed across the room toward a smaller group of ADAs and defense attorneys. The DA in question being Jack McCoy, who was deep in conversation with Nikki Staines. But the tall figure beside him was who caught your eye, it was Sonny. Hanging on his arm was a rather plain, dark haired woman that was closer to his age. She wore a conservative, pleated black dress with chunky pearls around her neck. You felt your chest turning red with jealousy when he made eye contact with you, diverting his eyes quickly. But you held yours on him, hoping he felt the hole your gaze was burning into the side of his head.

After cocktail hour the speeches and awards began, Sonny and his date were seated with the rest of your squad at the round table made for socializing. He didn’t introduce her or speak much at all until Olivia interjected.

_ “Carisi, do you want to introduce your date?” _

_ “Right, yeah, guys this is my friend Lucia. She goes to my church.” _

He pointed a finger around the table, introducing everyone by name until he got to you.

_ “And this is.. Calico.” _

Hearing him say your full name confused you, he never called you by your full name. Not on your first day at work, not when you were breaking up, not until now. You held your hand out to Lucia, offering a handshake.

_ “Please, call me Cal or Cali. Sonny knows I won’t answer to Calico.” _

Her grip was warm, not intimidating like you’d expected. It upset you how quickly your guard from her fell. She was nice, lovely even, whispering to you and making small talk to keep you awake throughout the boring, drawn out speeches.

The curtain finally drew and the lights dimmed a bit, the hired DJ announcing that the dance floor would be open for the remainder of the night. You didn’t feel like staying to watch your replacement easily win over Sonny’s heart, but weren’t going to sacrifice an open bar at the expense of your emotions either.

_ “If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the bar. It has been an absolute pleasure meeting you, Lucia.” _

You sat on the stool, asking the bartender for a Crown Royal on the rocks before the same smooth voice that you hadn’t been able to escape spoke again.

_ “How did I know I’d find you here?” _

Peter Stone sat at the opposite end of the bar sipping a beer.

_ “Because you’re stalking me?” _

_ “I don’t think so, Jack. I was here first this time.” _

You turned toward him in your seat and crossed one knee over the other.

_ “And those nights at Prohibition?” _

He smiled, realizing he’d been caught.

_ “What? I asked you where to go if I wanted to see a pretty face and took your advice, turns out you were right.” _

Your eyes glanced up at him while you sipped the whiskey, catching onto his demeanor.

_ “You can sit closer, you know. We don’t have to yell down the bar like children.” _

He accepted your offer and moved to the seat next to you, his legs brushing against yours. You asked him why he didn’t mention that first night that he used to pitch for the Cubs, he said he hadn’t felt like he needed to.

_ “That’s all in the past, I can’t stay hung up on it forever.” _

_ “Yeah but I used to play softball, you could’ve saved yourself a lot of time had I known you were a pitcher!” _

_ “Really?? What position did you play?” _

_ “Third base!” _

_ “Damn, I should’ve known given how fast you reacted to that suspect’s hand around your neck.” _

_ “Oh no, I always react to a man’s hand on my throat. It just depends who-“ _

You caught yourself before going any further, realizing that you were flirting with him. Like, real time flirting with him. Not to take any pain away, not to fill some void inside you, just because he was easy to feel comfortable around him. You looked at him to see if he’d caught what you were getting at, his smile told you that he had.

_ “I’ll remember that for next time.” _

Conversing with him nearly made you forget all about Sonny and Lucia, that is until the DJ called out the last song of the evening. The floor filled with couples; Olivia and Tucker, Amanda and Dr. Pollack, and then Sonny and Lucia. The man you truly had at one point seen yourself marrying.

_ “Do you want to dance, Cal?” _

It caught you off guard.

_ “I don’t know if that’s-“ _

_ “Come on, no one will suspect a thing. Look around, DAs and defense attorneys, Lieutenants and judges.” _

He was right, people you’d seen at each other’s throats in the courtroom were embraced in friendly dances. They couldn’t all be sleeping together, and you surely wouldn’t assume that they were just because they were dancing at a social event. Peter lowered himself off the chair and offered his hand, you took it.

He led you to the outer skirts of the dance floor and held your waist, your hands around the back of his neck as you swayed together.

_ “She’s not his type, you know.” _

You’d been subconsciously looking over Peter’s shoulder at Sonny and Lucia as they danced.

_ “Neither was I.” _

But Peter turned the two of you so that your back was facing them and your front facing the door, giving you no other option but to look him in the eyes.

_ “You’re everyone’s type.” _

_ “How do you figure?” _

By now his hands were sliding around to the small of your back, pulling your waist closer to his.

_ “You’re gorgeous, intelligent, charming..” _

Your eyes rolled and he laughed with you.

_ “Did I mention gorgeous? Because this dress looks.. incredibly sexy on you.” _

He couldn’t help it. Watching your pouty, red lips quietly sing along to the slow song. _‘Maybe I just wanna be yours, I wanna be yours, I wanna be yours..’_

You ran your nails up the nape of his neck and through his hair, feeling the electricity pulling you closer to him.

_ “Not. Here. Peter.” _

_ “Then where?” _

The song was winding down. If you wanted to leave without being seen, you needed to do it now.

_ “My place. Let’s go.” _

He grabbed your hand and moved his feet faster than you'd expected him to, you chased him out the door giggling like a school girl. It was funny to you, seeing a man that was somehow more stoic than Barba trying to avoid being seen with a girl. Like he was avoiding being caught sneaking out by his parents. You followed him hand in hand down the sidewalk and around the corner.

_ "Wait, Peter! I'm in heels!" _

_ "Come here, I'll carry you." _

And suddenly you were in his arms, being lifted right off your feet. You screamed and responded while laughing, _ "It's ten blocks! Put me down!" _

He obliged but kept his hands wrapped around your waist, yours stayed glued around his shoulders. He'd stopped under a street lamp and was looking right at you, right into your eyes. Like he was trying to see into your soul. His forehead met yours and your fingers curled up into his hair, all you could manage is a whisper.

_ "What are you doing, Peter?.." _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Song - I Wanna Be Yours by Arctic Monkeys
> 
> Kudos and comments are ALWAYS appreciated! I always love hearing what you guys have to say, your thoughts and opinions, etc! Tune in next Sunday morning for another chapter!  
Thank you all so much for reading!


	22. Take-Out X2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not even gonna lie, this chapter is 80% sex.

Your lips met his, they were a warm contrast to the chilly air outside and his hands slid up your back. Your lips stayed on his when a taxi honked at the two of you, pulling to the side of the road and allowing you to crawl on top of him in the back seat.

_ "43 E 63rd St." _

You slipped the words out between gasps of air and Peter tossed the driver way too much money when he pulled up to your building. It was a change of pace from your first hookup with Peter, originally you'd been the one taking the reins. _You'd _fucked _him._ This go round was a completely different story and you were living for it. The way he held you against the wall in the elevator and pulled your face to his, you would've torn your dress off right then and there had he asked you to. The sliding doors dinged open and he whispered against your lips, _"Go."_

Letting you walk ahead of him so he could watch your ass sway in the skin tight dress, unable to tell how weak your legs felt. He followed you down the hallway, unbuckling his belt along the way. 

But his lips were different inside the walls of your apartment. You didn't just feel their warmth, you tasted the earthy crispness from his beer at the bar. Your bodies flowed together into your bedroom and his clothes fell off in a trail leading to the door. Peter peeled your dress down your body, leaving you in only your black thong. He lifted you up, legs wrapped around his waist fell on top of you on the bed. And though you'd only been with him once, he seemed so familiar with your curves and edges. Because he was, he'd studied them every day since. 

His tongue sucked your and his teeth bit the skin on your neck, his hands gripping your hips hard. It was hot and rough, something you hadn't had in a long time, even before you and Sonny broke up. You couldn't stop the moans from escaping your throat and hearing them made Peter grow underneath his boxers. You ground your hips up against him, he growled against your skin.

_ "I thought you didn't bring your one night stands home?" _

You laughed your way through another moan as his fingers hooked under the waistband of your underwear, pulling them down your legs. You kicked them off the bed and Peter's forehead fell back against your, looking you dead in the eyes.

_ "Lucky you." _

He kissed you once more before pushing off his boxers, sliding a hand under your ass to lift you up and squeezing it hard in the process. Like he was making sure you knew who it belonged to for the night. He pushed into you hard, not holding back like you'd expected. 

_ "Oh my.. God, yes.." _

Your moans were long and drawn out, one arm situated above your head against the wall, the other on his hip trying to somehow pull him in deeper. Peter sat up, watching your face every time he slid out and slammed back into you. One of his hands twisting and pinching your nipple, the other holding your waist still against the bed. 

_ "Deeper?" _

_ "Hm?" _

You could barely hear him over your own moans and the sound of your bed hitting the wall over and over again. He leaned down, pushing your legs around his waist while still rolling into you. His lips nearly touching yours when he repeated himself, slower this time.

_ "Do you want me... to fuck you... deeper.." _

It didn't seem possible but fuck yes you did. You nodded your head and felt his hands running down your legs, to the back of your knees. He pushed them up so they were almost touching the bed and suddenly you were seeing stars, your head rolled back as he crashed into you. He was hitting spots that you didn't even know existed and your nails dug into his back as you tried to hold back for as long as possible, wanting to enjoy as much of this as you could. But after just a few minutes Peter could feel your walls squeezing around him.

_ "Fucking cum for me, baby.." _

His voice was deep and labored, your orgasm was about to push him over the edge. Just as you finished he released your legs, pulling your face to his with one hand and kissing you hard. Moaning against your lips while the other hand pulled his shaft out of you, releasing between your sweaty bodies. You felt his hot semen shooting onto your stomach. 

Peter sat over you for a moment, looking at the mess he'd made on your stomach and your glistening chest rising and falling hard. Your arms resting above your head, eyes closed. You looked up to a similar sight, Peter resting between your thighs. You felt his eyes taking in every inch of you. He lifted himself off of you and opened the bathroom door, grabbing a rag from the shelf. You held out your hand but he shook his head.

_ "I got it." _

He lay beside you, wiping up his mess and then himself as well. 

_ "God.. we can't keep doing this, Peter." _

He laughed quietly and rested on his elbow next to you, you rolled to face him as well.

_ "What's so funny?" _

_ "Nothing, I know. But the damage is already done tonight." _

_ "So what are you thinking?" _

_ "Dinner?" _

Peter rushed to the door after the loud knock, paying the delivery guy and sitting the bag of take-out Chinese food on your coffee table. He'd pulled on a stranger's sweatpants from your bottom drawer and you'd settled on a less revealing pair of underwear and a loose t-shirt. You pulled a box of lo mein out of the bag along with a pair of chopsticks, inhaling the food in front of you. After weeks of barely being able to eat a thing, you were finally able to keep something down. Your appetite was coming back with a vengeance and Peter noticed it, too.

_ "Don't judge, I haven't eaten since this morning." _

And he wasn't, Peter wasn't a stranger to one night stands but his usual women were the type to survive on salads and chardonnay. Even if they did end up staying the night, they were usually knocked out after the sex and he never cared much for small talk with them anyways. You two had been working together for weeks now and he knew at least a little bit about the other detectives at Manhattan SVU, but other than your relationship with Carisi, he didn't know shit about you. Outside of the bedroom you were still a stranger to him and vice versa. 

_ "So is this one of those things where you have to kill me now that I know where you live?" _

You chuckled with a mouth full of noodles, _"Nah, I have to move though. Change my last name, get a new social security number, all that good stuff."_

_"Calico isn't exactly a very discreet name in the first place."_

He raised an eyebrow, probably curious as to if that was your _real _name anyways, like most people. 

_ "Oh I know. My sister's name is Madison, I don't know what the hell my parents were thinking the first time around." _

Siblings. Finally, he was getting somewhere.

_ "Oh yeah? You guys close? I have.. er, had.. a sister, too." _

_ "Mhm. We're two years apart so we've always been tight, I miss her a lot." _

Peter didn't ask any further. He'd forgotten for a split second that _his _sister, Pam, was gone. He was still coping with it, it was usually lingering in the back of his mind no matter what he did. 

_ "Your sister.. she passed recently, right?" _

You weren't bringing it up to hurt Peter, but you did want to address why you were being drawn together.

_ "How'd you know?" _

_ "I told you, word spreads in SVU. But aside from that.." _

You could see the way his jaw clenched, the pain in his voice. It was the same reaction you had whenever someone asked about Hana. You set your empty take-out box back down on the coffee table in front of you.

_ "You fuck me like you hate me, Peter." _

His eyes finally met yours, he knew it was true. He'd been using women for the past few months as a means of coping with his sister's death. The longer he spent between their legs, the harder he laid into them, it took the memory of the light leaving Pam's eyes out of his head. Even if only for a little while. But this was the only time he'd been called out on it.

_ "And you don't?" _

You cocked an eyebrow at him, hearing the slight anger in his voice.

_ "I heard about what happened with your friend. Are you honestly saying that you aren't using me to escape the anger, the guilt of not being able to save her?" _

_ "Oh no, I definitely am." _

The change in your voice, the slight smirk on your face. Peter was almost confused, but still annoyed that you were even bringing this up. You got up from your seat on the couch and grabbed a beer from the fridge, taking a swig to wash the taste brown sugar out of your mouth. He followed, standing too close and backing you against the counter.

_ "... What are you getting at?" _

You didn't respond immediately, letting him read you. It dawned on him that you were _trying _to make him angry. Purposefully. A slick smile spread across his face.

_ "Round four?" _

Peter nearly interrupted you with his response, backing up just enough to let you by, _"Get your ass in there.."_

Next thing you knew you were face down on your bed, blankets gripped between your fists while Peter was pounding into you from behind. Slowly, pulling all the way out and then all the back in. His palm came down hard on your ass, leaving red hand prints across your porcelain white skin. With every deep thrust a different curse word escaped your lips. The two of you took turns on each other that night, all night. Switching positions, filling your bedroom with drawn out moans and screams of pleasure. You'd make each other tremble in ecstasy, take a little bit to re-hydrate and roll around in the covers. Between the throes of passion there were fits of laughter and little kisses that turned into your lips exploring each others body. Which kept ending with you in a different position.

Eventually the soft sunlight peaked through your curtains, you lay naked with your head on the pile of pillows near the top of your bed. Peter lay halfway on top of you, one hand tweaking your nipple. He took the other one in his mouth, first just rolling it around with his tongue. Then biting it gently, gradually harder until he felt you wince in pain. He glanced up at you, his mouth still on your skin.

_ "That hurt?" _

Your hand was in his hair, the other behind his head. 

_ "My whole body hurts, Peter. I'm sorry, I don't think I can cum again." _

He nursed the pain by sucking for a moment before moving his lips to your other nipple. Playing out the same scene, but with his free hand roaming down your body, cupping your mound.

_ "I'm doing this for me, baby." _

You didn't question it, he slid his fingers between your thighs and you instinctively spread them for him. Just a little, but enough. You were somehow still wet, still felt that churning deep in your groin that wanted more from him.

_ "I saw you leave with that girl, back in February." _

His lips kissed their way down your body, biting and sucking every inch of your skin until he lifted your thigh up over his back. With your hand still in his hair, he rested his head on your other thigh. Kissing right between them. It didn't particularly do much for you at first. You were spent, sore and tired. But like he said, he was doing this for him, not you. He lazily licked you up and down, between your lips and dipping his tongue so. fucking. deep. into you. His hands massaging your stomach and torso while he slowly sucked your clit. You gradually bent your knee up, your feet pressed against his shoulder so your legs were spread wider for him. 

_ "Mm, so you **have **been stalking me.." _

You felt his lips turn up into a smile.

_ "I'd call it.. admiring." _

He whispered to you between kisses and licks, Peter felt himself growing again against the sheets.

_ "God, after that first night ***kiss* **all I could think about ***lick*** was you riding my cock..." _

Your free hand joined the other one in Peter's hair, holding his mouth against you. It was building up inside you again, he could tell from the way you held your breath. He dipped his tongue into you one last time, dragging it up your pussy slowly. Rubbing up and down between your lips before pressing it against your clit. You pulled his hair and your thighs tried to close, but he held them open.

_ "Right there, oh my god.." _

Your hand traveled down to his and he slid his fingers between yours, allowing you to grip his hand tight while your orgasm rolled over you. Wave after wave, it crashed over you like a tsunami. When you started to come down, Peter grabbed one last condom from the nightstand and slid his body on top of yours. He pulled you up so you were almost sitting straight up with him, wrapping his arms around your waist. He slid into you slower this time. His purpose no longer just to cum, now he just wanted to feel you. He just wanted to be as close to you as he possibly could. You wrapped your arms around his neck and ground your waist against his. The effects of your orgasm still lingering. Your mind hazy, legs and fingers trembling. Peter rested his face against your skin and buried his cock deep, deep inside of you.

You felt the vibrations from his low moans against your chest and soon the got even louder as he unloaded again, resting your back against the bed as his heart rate slowed down. 

_ "No more, Peter, I can't take it." _

He laughed and smiled down at you. God, you looked like an angel in the hazy morning light. Baby hairs sticking to your face, skin red and bruised from his biting and sucking you all night. 

_ "Give me a second to.. get my mind straight, I'll show myself out." _

You threw your legs off of him and rolled to one side of the bed, switching off the small lamp on the end table.

_ "You're welcome to stay if you want. I'd hate to make you endure the walk of shame down the hallway." _

He was secretly hoping you'd make that offer. Peter rolled off the bed and pulled the blackout curtains closed, crawling back under the blanket with you. He wrapped his arms around your shoulders and pulled you in tight, you lay your head against his chest. It didn't take either of your long to fall asleep, but just before drifting off, you simultaneously had the same thought. That no matter where this was going, pretending it never happened wasn't an option this time.

* * *

Peter woke up to the curtains already drawn and the sound of water running behind the door that sat across from him. It was five o'clock in the afternoon, nearly ten hours since he'd fallen asleep with you against him. He slid off the bed and stretched his long body free of all the knots he'd twisted himself into last night. He let himself into the room where you were showering, just to take a leak.

_"Wow, are we this casual already?"_

_"We got rounds three through twelve-ish out of the way in a single night, I'd say so. Mind if I join you in there?"_

You peaked your head out from behind the curtain.

_"No way, I'm bruised all over thanks to you. It's turtlenecks and sweatpants in your presence until these are gone."_

_"Come on. I'll be good, I swear."_

Peter pulled back the curtain the rest of the way. You were right, he saw every single bruise, bite mark and hand print on you. He stepped into the shower and placed a hand on your hip, feeling slightly disgusted with himself.

_"Jesus Christ, did I hurt you??"_

Your eyebrows lifted as you pulled him under the warm stream with you. 

_"Are you kidding?"_

He wasn't. You were realizing now that horny Peter and daytime Peter were two totally different people. And looking at you with a clearer mind, he was scared that he'd taken things way too far last night. You saw the concern in his eyes, so instead of teasing him for feeling concerned you softened your voice, stroking his face and leaning your chest against his.

_"Absolutely not, Peter. Don't worry, I'll tell you if you ever take things too far."_

Peter brushed his thumb past your cheek and slid his hand into your hair, your faces slowly drawing together. The kiss was slow, not needy and rushed like the ones you shared in the darkness. His other hand pressed against the small of your back, holding you to him. His tongue grazed your lips, begging to be let in. You allowed it, feeling your face flush and your heart thumping in your chest. Or maybe it was his heart that you felt thumping, you were so close to him that you couldn't tell the difference. You pinched off the kiss and whispered against his lips.

_"No more, I'm so sore.."_

_"I know, I just like kissing you."_

You pushed back from Peter and looked at him suspiciously, a hint of a smile on your face while you rinsed the conditioner from your hair.

_"Don't go getting attached, Stone."_

He was trying not to, really. But you made it hard on him. He thought about everything you'd shared with each other a few hours ago between sloppy kisses and intense orgasms. You'd told him about your nights out partying while on deployment, how even though you loathed being in the military it was somehow better than being slapped around by a man you once thought you'd loved. He told you about how he despised his dad growing up, how he always put work before his baseball games and that he was still trying to forgive him even after his death.

You took turns under the hot water and washed each other clean with the sudsy loofah before toweling off and wrapping your hair up. You pulled on your lazy clothes, the softest sweatpants you owned and your old high school softball team sweatshirt. It finally fit again after the twenty pounds you'd accidentally lost over the past two months. Peter grabbed the same sweats he'd worn last night and a stranger's t-shirt.

Peter didn't ask if he could hang around and you didn't make any hints that he needed to leave. The afternoon was half gone and you were wary about being seen out in public with him, so you ordered an extra large pizza for delivery, along with some pasta, bread sticks, and the hottest wings the restaurant made. Pasta had always been your biggest vice and you _really _knew you'd been spoiled the last few months when you took a bite out of their chicken Alfredo and immediately wanted to spit it into your napkin.

_"Sonny would kill me if he knew I was eating microwaved pasta."_

_"Here, let me try-"_

Peter stuck his fork in the aluminum pan from across all the other boxes on your living room floor, stuffing a big bite into his mouth, then talking with his mouth still full.

_"Mmm, what are you talking about?? That's real, authentic as it comes!"_

You must've looked at him like he was crazy because he took the pan from in front of you and slid it to the side completely, allowing you both to forget you'd wasted eight dollars on it. You took a bite of the Hawaiian pizza though and your eyes rolled back in your head.

_"Mm, now this, THIS is a good pizza. Don't tell Sonny I said that either, though."_

He laughed with a bread stick in his mouth, _"Don't take this the wrong way but I don't plan on talking to Detective Carisi about this weekend AT ALL."_

You felt a wave of guilt wash over you, realizing you'd said Sonny's name twice now in front of a man that he considered at least somewhat of a friend. A man that you'd spent half the weekend underneath and on top of. Peter saw it in your face and tried desperately to change the subject.

_"So tell me, what brought you to New York?"_

Peter didn't know that _that _was a sore subject, too. But you laughed at the irony of the subject.

_"Well, you're bound to find out at some point.. an ex-boyfriend. He's kind of the reason Sonny and I broke up, actually."_

He looked embarrassed and you could tell his mind was scrambling looking for a way to change the subject yet again.

_"It's fine, seriously. It's an ongoing thing so you really do need to be let in on it. His name's Bradley, he's crazy manipulative and abusive. Long story short, shit hit the fan one day and he got arrested. My dad had already been talking to Dodds for me about a transfer up here, so I packed all my stuff before he could make bail and just... left."_

You shuttered remembering that twelve hour drive that you made on no sleep, all alone. The most alone you'd ever been. 

_"You just.. left? Just like that?"_

_"Yep. Dodds finalized my transfer a week after that, I started at SVU as soon as my bruises healed."_

Peter's eyes scanned what skin of yours was visible, searching for any of the bruises that _he'd _left on you last night.

_"Don't take this the wrong way, but you don't look like-"_

_"A battered woman?"_

You said it sarcastically and then scoffed. You knew what he was going to ask, you'd heard it before. 

_"I know. It's why I don't question women who stay with their abusers."_

You stood up from the floor, grabbing the boxes below you and taking them to the kitchen to box up. Peter followed behind with more questions.

_"So why_ **_do_ **_they? Why did you?"_

_"Think of it like this.. if you put a frog in a pot of water, it just thinks it's in a swimming pool. You slowly turn up the heat, it feels like a Jacuzzi to the frog. Eventually, you turn it up higher and higher. But the frog doesn't notice, you turn up the heat so slowly that it becomes accustomed to it. The frog doesn't realize that the pool of water it was swimming in is now boiling it alive."_

_"Until?"_

_"Until it either jumps out or dies."_

You shrugged your shoulders and an apathetic look came over your face.

_"I jumped out."_

Peter truly couldn't see you allowing a man to lay a hand on you. He wasn't meaning to pry, but after a long moment of silence, he wanted to know more.

_"Was it bad?"_

You could tell he wasn't doubting you, he was just inquiring. You reached into your bag on the counter and pulled out your ID badge, the photo on it was taken days before you met your squad for the first time. 40 pounds thinner and hair six inches shorter, you didn't recognize the girl in the photograph. He looked at it and then back at you, doing a double take.

_"Yeah, it was bad.. He controlled everything I did, who I hung out with, when and what I ate.. and I didn't even realize it. Not until my future Air Force Lieutenant asked me "why" I wanted to join the military, by then I was in too deep. I accepted a second deployment right after I got home from my first just to save up enough money to leave for good."_

_"And he got less than a year of jail time after all of this??"_

_"Oh he didn't get ANY jail time. The court date was so soon after it all.. I just didn't feel ready to go back. Like I wasn't gonna be strong enough to leave again, for some reason.. So I didn't go. Charges were dropped, I'm lucky the lifetime restraining order wasn't lifted. Not that it's doing much good anyways."_

That was the reason Peter needed to know about it all. Because restraining orders don't mean shit to a man with a warped vision of reality and in the event that you were made a Special Victim, yet again, Peter would be the one representing you.

_"Cali, I'm so sorry.."_

Peter's brow was furrowed with a pained expression on his face, still glancing down at the photo on your ID badge. You took it back from him and admired it as well.

_"Don't be, I don't know the girl in this photo."_

You spent the remainder of the evening with your legs draped over Peter's lap on the couch. He flipped through the channels and watched a few baseball reruns until you caught his head rolling back, nodding off.

_"Peter."_

He snapped back, trying to pull the "I wasn't falling asleep" line while you tried not to laugh at him.

_"You can't stay here tonight."_

As much as Peter wanted to, he knew he couldn't. He couldn't risk someone seeing him leaving your apartment during the daytime, especially not wearing borrowed clothes. 

_"Right. Uh, do you mind if I.."_

_"I'm not gonna make you leave here in a dirty tuxedo, don't worry."_

Peter gathered his clothes while you called him a cab. He hesitated at the door, unsure of the appropriate way to say goodbye. A kiss? A hug? A handshake?

_"We should probably exchange numbers. For work, you know."_

_"Oh for work?"_

He heard the tinge of flirtatiousness in your voice and just nodded his head. He handed you his phone and you saved your number.

_"Was that true? That you kept thinking about that night at your place."_

Peter's tongue pressed against the back of his teeth, you were making it hard for him to leave without asking you to bend over for him one last time.

_"Mhm.."_

You couldn't help but smile and step closer to him, handing him back his phone and lowering your voice.

_"Good, text me next time.."_

His hand snaked around your waist, yours went to his chest. He settled on one last kiss instead before stepping out from under the door frame.

_"Trust me, I will."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 100,000 WORDS, GUYS!!  
I'm posting this chapter a little bit early because I'm gonna be busy this weekend.  
Please, please, please, leave me some comments. I love hearing from and talking to you guys.
> 
> Chapter Song - No Plan by Hozier


	23. Summer Whites

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey kids, I've decided that for outfits I'm no longer going to be putting photos in the actual story. They'll now be a link on the end of story notes to them, if you care to see them.

You decided to go into work after Peter left your apartment. Spending the majority of your day in bed had screwed up your sleep schedule. A nice, long 20-hour shift was just what you needed to sort it back out. 

The precinct was dark when you walked through the doors. You flipped on the overhead lights, all of them this time instead of just the single light you usually left on above your desk. Unsure of what you'd actually spend your night doing, what you _were _sure of was that it probably started with coffee.

You set your phone to shuffle and plugged it up to the dock that the nighttime janitor kept hidden in the utility closet. It played through a variety of artists; Hozier, Drake, Movements, Johnny Cash. Sitting down in your chair, you decided it was finally time to clean out and organize your desk. The messy papers and lack of file dividers made _perfect _sense to you, but gave everyone else in your squad anxiety when you put an important report in the black hole of a drawer.

It took hours. Literal hours to sort through all of the loose papers. A lot of them never had a home in the first place and were just unintelligible words scribbled down on a piece of scrap, they'd probably made sense to you at some point in time. When you finally got rid of all your junk, it was time to start organizing. You took your time going through all your old case reports and the notes that once followed your train of thought. 

You zoned out, singing along to the slow, harmonious song playing low in the background.

_"Nothing really lasts forever_

_You're the only one I got, plus a pocket full of forget-me-nots_

_Been a fuck up, lost with no direction_

_This is my one last shot at redemption_

_Oh, can you, can you please_

_Destroy me"_

You heard someone clear their throat behind you. Glancing over your shoulder, you saw Sonny leaning against the doorway. He'd been there for longer than you'd noticed, just listening to you sing. It was one of the things he was missing most these days, listening to you sing in the shower, while cooking, cleaning, or just driving over the bridge to visit his parents. 

_"What're you doing here?"_

_"My new neighbors are, uh.. less than private about their nights in together. Whatcha got there?"_

You probably should've felt mad at him for bringing a date to the charity event, or guilty about how you'd spent the past 24 hours. But seeing his calm expression just brought a smile to your face. You extended your hand, holding out a draft report of the first case you two had closed together.

_"Remember this?"_

Sonny took the seat across from you at his desk and looked at the page for a moment before smirking.

_"Gah, yeah I had to make you rewrite it four times before we could turn it in. The way you cursed you'd think you were a sailor, not an airman."_

He helped you comb through the papers and sort them into stacks based on their severity and whether or not the suspect had been located yet. You shared laughs over the memories that you'd made together. Some of the things you'd seen in the past year would surely haunt you some day, but right now you were just remembering the good parts of those days. The nights you spent wearing all black in the front seat of a blacked out squad car, partially keeping an eye out for your suspect, but more often just thinking of puns Fin might make at the most inappropriate of times. 

_"You remember that day you came in SUPER hungover, I was so mad I made you go pick up that high school rapist on your own?"_

_"Yeah, you ass! The fucker tripped me and then locked himself inside my damn squad car without the keys."_

Sonny couldn't hold back his laughter, he still had the photo you'd sent him of the kid sweltering in the back seat.

_"I had to radio the freaking fire department to pop the door because he REFUSED to open it."_

_"Even when the dumb bastard was about to pass out from heat exhaustion."_

You couldn't explain it, but you felt so happy in that moment. The happiest you'd been since your world fell apart last January. You gazed at him while he read over some of the old notes you'd tag teamed together. All of his little features, the way he bit the side of his tongue while he was focusing on something, his graying hair. He was self conscious about it but it drove you absolutely insane, especially paired with his dreamy blue eyes.

_"Why didn't you warn me, Sonny?"_

He looked up at you from the page. Sonny had been hoping that you'd forget about the night completely, it was a bust on his end. He hadn't wanted to bring Lucia, his plan was to just go with the squad and hopefully catch a dance with you at the end of the night. Maybe go back to your place and cuddle on the couch to some horror movies or cop shows like you used to. But when you turned him down to be his date, he'd went to Mama Carisi for advise. Though she loved you, all of his family loved you, she was tired of seeing her son sulk. She called Lucia, the sweet woman from their church, and asked her to join him without ever asking Sonny if he was even interested in dating someone else. Sonny tried to pick up the phone to cancel the blind date, but no one tells Mama Carisi "no".

_"I don't know.. I should've. It was a set up by my ma, don't expect to see her around the precinct any time soon."_

_"Why? She was great, I thought you'd be all over a girl like that."_

_"She's nice, but she's.. I don't know, boring."_

You laughed and cocked your head at him, the irony of the last playful conversation you'd had as a real couple coming to mind.

_"You mean that sweet Catholic girl that God made just for you already has you lookin' for someone else?"_

He cracked a smile, making light of the situation, _"Yeah 'cause I got too used to having a girlfriend with such a smart mouth."_

It was true, he really had tried to like Lucia as more than friends. He'd went out on two or three dates, actually. One was a wild child with dark hair, she wore a tube top to the bar they were meeting at and took six shots in the first hour of them being there. Sonny had to drag her into a cab by 11 p.m. just to make sure she made it out of the bar okay, he could just picture working her rape/homicide. And though he was the last to victim blame, it truly would be because her only goal was to get blackout drunk whenever she could. He didn't text her again.

One was a nice, Irish, Catholic girl. She had red hair and more freckles than you. Green eyes that looked like an evergreen forest and a silky smooth voice. She was nice. But when she got to talking about what she wanted in life, he knew she wasn't for him. Sonny had always thought his family was as catholic as they came, but boy was he wrong. She planned to be nothing but a home-maker. She wanted as many kids as her body could handle and when he asked what her hobbies were, her face drew a blank. She didn't have any, her church was her life. And while that was a virtue that Sonny admired, he didn't want to marry a passive woman who only lived to bare children and serve him.

And then there was Lucia. Sonny should've loved her. She really probably was the woman that God crafted just for him. Catholic, Italian, olive skin and dark hair with a pretty decent figure. She had personality and interests, shared the same beliefs and had similar goals as Sonny. Maybe if this were another life, or before you ever even considered moving to New York, things would've worked out with them. But when she was hanging on his arm in that banquet hall, all he wanted was to peel her off of his skin. It didn't feel right, knowing that you were in the same room seeing another woman try to take your place. And that _was _what you'd thought, but you were wrong. 

Sonny held out his hand across the conjoined desks just like he used to, palm up for you to take it. And you did, your skin tingled and your heart swelled when you felt his fingers against yours. He squeezed.

_"What are we doing, doll?"_

You didn't know how to answer because you didn't really understand the question.

_"Why are we doin' this to ourselves?"_

You sucked in a deep breath. It broke your heart to keep turning him down. You knew that one day he would proposition you for the final time, and then he would move on. He would find someone that didn't string him along or make him wait for them. You responded while holding back tears, not wanting to cry in front of him ever again.

_"I love you, Dom. With every ounce of my heart and soul, with every fiber of my being, I swear, I do."_

Now he was holding back tears, too. He'd only heard you say the words twice, and they were like Gabriel's Trumpet to him. 

_"But my mom loved my dad for 25 years before one day.. she just didn't. She woke up one day and realized that she'd never really loved him in the first place."_

Sonny's eyebrows were knitted together, trying to understand your train of thought.

_"What're you sayin', Cal?"_

_"I'm saying that right now I'm not the strongest version of myself. And I'm sorry Sonny, but you don't know about everything that I've been through these past few months. I'm still healing. And hopefully I'm doing that healing for you, so that I can be yours again one day.. but right now.. I have to make sure that in 25 years, I'll still love you as much as I do today."_

He placed his other hand on top of the one he was already holding and pulled it to his lips.

_"Take as long as you need, doll. I'll be here."_

* * *

Come Monday afternoon you were thoroughly regretting your decision to pull a 20 hour shift, but thankful you'd worn an orange turtleneck out of the house the night before. Your conversation with Sonny would've gone much, much differently had he seen the bruises on your upper arms and collar bone.

You spent the rest of the week mostly in and out of the court room listening to Justice's trial and testifying that his confession was NOT coerced, despite the pencil to his neck. You hated defense attorneys anyways, and Justice had hired the worst of the worst, John Buchanan. He tried his best to twist your words and push you over the edge with his condescending arguments. You fantasized about the terrible, terrible things you'd do if you just had him alone for just five minutes. By the end of the week you were irritable at the whole world. Everyone could see it on your face and tried their best to stay out of your way. 

Everyone besides Peter Stone. Throughout the week you both had acted like you were nothing more than coworkers, you never saw him outside of the courtroom or precinct and he never acted anything other than completely professional. But as you were packing your bag to head out for the night, you saw the tall, handsome man making his way through the room. Everyone had already left besides you and Amanda, but Peter didn’t even see her.

_ “Detective! Great job today. I understand not many can hold their own against Buchanan.” _

_ “Yeah, well, I’ll be happy when that scum either gets arrested for embezzlement or finally fucking retires. Hell, I’d even throw his going away party.” _

_ “For his arrest or retirement?” _

_ “Either.” _

Peter had one hand in his pocket, the other clutching is briefcase. You could tell by the smile on his face that he was happy with himself, it was one of his first big wins since relocating to New York.

_ “How about celebratory drink on me?” _

You looked up from the shuffling files in your hands, cutting your eyes at him. You were sure he was just feeling confident because of the win, but it was reckless. And you didn’t want him putting your job in danger just because he was feeling on top of the world.

_ “Absolutely, I need a shot or three.” _

He followed you into the cop bar down the street and sat across from you at a small, round table. Lowering his voice as he spoke to you.

_ “Should we be here? Together?” _

_ “Barba came here with us all the time, it’d be weird if you didn’t.” _

You motioned for the waitress and she rocked her hips toward your table,  _“What can I getcha, sweetie?”_

_ “I’ll have a Guinness and uhh... Jameson 12 year, please.” _

_“What about you, handsome?” _ She pointed her pen at Peter and cocked her hip to one side. You hid your amused smile terribly, it was so obvious how hard she was trying to flirt with him.

_ “Just a Guinness is fine.” _

You watched her walk away before turning back towards him.

_ “Do you always drink so.. heavily?” _

_ “It’s two drinks, Stone. Either you have the tolerance of an eleven year old or I’m-“ _

_ “An alcoholic?” _

_ “I prefer to call myself a connoisseur, thank you.” _

The waitress sat the drinks down on your table, talking directly to Peter.

_ “Let me know if you wanna start a tab, honey.” _

He just nodded her off, completely oblivious to her body language.

The place was full of blue uniforms, half of them were around your age and rookies. A few of them pulled a chair up to your table, it didn't matter what city you were in - they always wanted to know, _"What's the worst scene you've ever responded to." _having not had their _"_worst" call yet. You and Peter shot the shit with them for an hour or so before pushing your chairs back and signaling for the check.

One of the young officers, he was 28, maybe 29, snatched the small piece of paper from the waitresses hand before it could reach your fingers. He'd been subtly flirting with you the entire time and you couldn't deny that he was handsome. Dark, shaggy hair with piercing blue eyes. But he looked remarkably similar to your ex and was now making you uncomfortable with his "alpha-male" behavior.

He pinched the check between two fingers, holding it between the two of you, _"How about.. you and I make a deal."_

You rested your elbow on the table and lay your chin against your fist, entertaining him.

_ "What did you have in mind, officer?" _

The kid sure wasn't afraid of eye contact, _"Tonight, 10 O'clock. Meet me at Sapphire on E 60th."_

You almost burst out laughing as you looked up at Peter, who was also squeezing his lips shut with a nervous smile on his face. You had to give it to the guy, he had balls. It wasn't a question, it was a demand. And it wasn't just another bar he was _demanding _you meet him at, it was a strip club.

_ "Oh, bless your heart.." _

You finished off the rest of your beer before tossing enough money to cover yours and Peter's tab onto the table, the douchebag could handle the tip. You stood up and patted him on the cheek, maybe a little too hard.

_ "I would chew you up.. and spit you right back out." _

Peter finally let out a burst of laughter when he saw the look on the young officers face. He followed you out of the bar and down the sidewalk.

_“You seemed like you liked him! I really thought you would’ve taken him up on the offer._

_ “I did until he got all cocky! Besides, I don’t really get with guys my age, if you haven’t noticed.” _

He didn’t even know where he was going, just walking beside you and enjoying your presence,  _“Yeah? Why’s that?”_

You looked up at him with an eyebrow raised.

_ “Would YOU have known what to do with me in your twenties?” _

Peter thought back to 25 year old him, he absolutely wouldn’t have known what to do. If it had been 25 year old Peter in bed with you that first night, he knew he would’ve busted in the first three minutes of you being on top of him.

_ “Absolutely not, no way.” _

Before he knew it the two of you were approaching your stoop, and in broad daylight,  _“Did you just let me walk you home?”_

_ “I was walking myself home. You were just following like the stalker you are.” _

He cut his eyes at you for a moment, _“What are you getting into tonight?”_

_ “Hopefully your apartment.” _

Your bluntness and confidence never failed to surprise him,  _“10 o’clock?”_

Peter was leaning too close to you for comfort. You’d let him walk you home, but you weren’t going to kiss him on the side of the street. A block that you KNEW your coworkers traveled daily. You held your hand out to Peter’s chest to distance yourself from him, starting up the tall stairs to your building

_ “Maybe, we’ll see.” _

* * *

You took the elevator up to Peter's loft apartment around 10:30 that night in a casual t-shirt and a pair of holey jeans, surprised that you'd actually retained the memory of how to get there in your half drunk state of mind all those weekends ago. 

You'd made the right decision to not dress too nice for him, as your jeans only stayed on for a handful of minutes and your thin t-shirt was soon shoved up above your breasts. He had your bare back against the tall windows that overlooked the lit up skyscrapers. No one could see you at this high of a floor, but your legs were supported by his strong hands and you gripped him around the shoulders tight while he pushed in and out of you. Short but deep strokes that dragged against your sensitive clit, your shoulder blades pressed into the cool glass. He was less shy about his moans this time, letting out low gasps of pleasure and whispering obscenities in your ear.

Weekends like this became a regular with Peter. You'd alternate whose apartment was hosting and spend Friday or Saturday nights rolling around in bed. On the few instances where you got called away to work in the middle of the night, Peter was more than understanding. He'd hang out on your couch and take advantage of your extensive cable package or take a nap to recharge for when you got back. You butted heads often during the week when he wanted more evidence or a blatant confession out of a suspect but after quitting time, he was awfully easy to be around.

Late April came and it was a warm Friday night, you were dancing around your tiny kitchen with Peter and waiting for your baked parmesan crusted chicken to finish. This week had been nice, no foot pursuits, the weather was perfect. You knew that back home the temperature was already reaching the low 90s and you broke a sweat just thinking about it. You'd just lifted yourself onto the counter when you heard your phone ring.

_ "Unknown number, you want it?" _

You usually didn't answer them, if it was important they'd leave a message. But you were in a good mood, you could handle any spam callers or Indian men claiming you owed the IRS $50,000. You held out your palm and Peter handed it to you.

_ "Detective Jack." _

_ "Jack! It's Lieutenant Brumlow." _

A warm smile crept across your face and you put his voice on speaker phone.

_ "Oh no, no, no, Lieutenant. I did my time. Twelve years of it - In Azkaban!" _

He let out a hearty laugh. Lt Brumlow was a great man that you'd grown up around, he'd served with your father throughout your childhood and done his best to make it to all of yours and your sister's biggest accomplishments. He and his wife didn't have any kids of their own, so he saw you as somewhat of a daughter to him and made sure to take care of you when you were away from your family for close to two years.

_ "Oh I know, Detective. You've made it **very **clear to not call you with any voluntary orders. Though I could get you a spot at Sigonella in Sicily, if you're interested.." _

_ "You know damn well my ass would stay in trouble in a city full of Italian men, what did you really call me for?" _

_ "Just to check up on you, your pops said you were going through a tough time lately. I had wanted to make sure the big city was treating you right." _

You knew there was more to this call than he was letting on, but allowed him to fake his concern for as long as he needed. It was nice to hear a southern accent every once in awhile anyways.

_ "I'm doing a lot better, they treat me real good up here. You should come visit sometime, meet my new Lieutenant." _

_ "Well, speaking of visiting.. I'll be in town for fleet week next month. You're not planning on leaving the city around that time, are you?" _

_ "And miss a bunch of babies in their summer whites? I don't think so. Don't tell me you're switching sides on us though, Lieu." _

He scoffed, _"And take a pay cut? I don't think so. I **have** been working with one of their top investigators though, she asked about you. She'd like to have a meeting with us while I'm in town next month."_

_"I'm sure I could entertain the two of you for an evening."_

You could hear the smile on his face, _"Perfect, I'll call you with details closer to time." _He paused for a moment, _"I'm excited to see ya, kid."_

_"Me too, old man."_

You hung up and hopped off the counter, pulling your chicken out of the oven. But Peter was looking at you like he had something to say.

_ "What?" _

_ "You really wouldn't take a free trip to Italy?" _

You laughed and shook your head, snaking an arm around him. He stroked his hand past your cheek and held your face in his hand.

_ "And miss out on everything that New York has to offer?" _

Then he pulled you in for a kiss - soft and slow, he was giving you more and more kisses like that recently. Peter felt like his word slowed down during his weekend spent with you, but you felt your entire existence speeding up around you. Like everyone was was moving forward with their lives while you were stuck on things that no therapist, psychologist or hypnotist could help you through. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter will more than likely be posted next Sunday night! (I'm sick and tired of wedding season, ya'll.)  
Leave comments below, let me know what you think! I love hearing from you guys. Any suggestions, criticism, ideas, etc, are always appreciated.
> 
> Chapter Song - Destroy Me by Grandson
> 
> Orange turtleneck outfit - https://www.pinterest.com/pin/555279829057312322/?nic=1  
Outfit worn to Peter's - https://www.pinterest.com/pin/690598924093014994/


	24. The Guy Who Decided Not To Die

Saturday, May 2nd. 

You woke up naked and partially on top of Peter, your top leg wrapped around his and your arm across his chest. His hand had gripped your shoulders the entire night and he'd only just recently fallen asleep, having stayed up thinking of his next move. Peter couldn't lie to himself, he'd been falling for you so quickly. He'd fully intended for this just to be a fling, for you to be another casual hookup, but you'd made it so easy for him to open up to. He didn't even realize when he was doing it. He'd be sitting on your couch with you on his lap, or lying in the darkness of his apartment with your nails stroking his chest while the two of you gazed over the illuminated skyscrapers. The little specifics of his life that he'd buried so deep from anyone else would just slip out, and he never once tensed up afterwards. Because you never once judged him for them. He was falling for you in the exact same way that you had first fallen for Sonny.

You trailed kisses up Peter's chest and to his neck, stirring him from the first nibble on his sensitive skin. His arm squeezed you tighter to him and he spoke sleepily.

_"Mm, what're you doing baby?"_

You smiled against his neck without responding, your tongue grazing his warm skin. You trailed your nails underneath the blanket and down his body, scratching them lightly across his hips. His body jerked slightly, you knew he was ticklish there. His hand gripped yours to stop you.

_"Nuhuh, don't play with me.."_

You could tell he was still half asleep, he hadn't even opened his eyes. You continued tracing your nails down his skin, through his hair slowly. You softly gripped his morning wood, feeling it twitch in your hand and his lungs inhale sharply. You lips were right beside his ear when you whispered to him.

_"Don't play with you?"_

He didn't answer, so you squeezed him tighter in your hand. That caused a low moan to erupt from between his lips, music to your ears. 

_"That's what I thought.."_

You released your grip on him and brought your palm to your mouth, allowing your spit to pool in the center and then returning it underneath the sheets. Stroking him long and slow while nibbling on his ear. His nails dug deeper into your skin every time your thumb slipped past the head of his cock. 

It caught you off guard when Peter pushed his fingers into your hair and gripped it tight. He turned his face toward yours and pulled you to him, embracing you in a slow but passionate kiss. His tongue slid against yours and his teeth bit your bottom lip, moaning into your mouth. When his lips slowed down you knew he was getting closer.

_"You're not getting my sheets dirty, Stone."_

He kissed you one last little time before responding.

_"Then get down there."_

His hand stayed in your hair the entire distance down his body. It gripped and guided you while your tongue traced his shaft, your eyes met his when you finally slid his entire length down your throat.

_"Yeah all the way down baby, just like that.."_

It made you squirm how vocal he'd gotten recently. With your combination of sucking and stroking, it didn't take you long to push him over the edge. He held your head down all the way to his lap while his cum spilled into your throat. His hips ground up and his head rolled back on the bed. Finally, you felt his grip on your hair loosen. You lifted your head up and gasped for breath as a single tear slid past your eyelid. 

Peter tucked the hair that had fallen in front of your face behind your ear.

_"God, you are so beautiful.."_

You laughed and looked up at him. 

_"Especially with your cock down my throat, right?"_

_"All the time."_

Peter had noticed your freckles darkening from the extra sun they were getting, he'd tried a few times to count every single one when he couldn't manage to keep his eyes off of you.

You got up and slid on a pair of panties and a tank top, making your way to the bathroom to brush your teeth. The words just spilled out of Peter's mouth before he could stop them.

_"Do you want to go out tonight?"_

You stuck your head out from behind the door frame, tooth brush hanging out of your mouth and a confused look on your face.

_"Like to dinner, a movie, something."_

You held up a finger, motioning for him to hang on before spitting into the sink and rinsing your mouth out, taking a seat on the bed beside him.

_"Peter, don't take this the wrong way but -"_

He cut you off, desperate to convince you, _"But, we can't be seen together. I know, I know. Come on.. it's one night."_

You rolled your tongue around in your mouth, contemplating the offer. 

_"Okay.. I've been getting cabin fever anyways."_

Peter smiled at you, feeling on top of the world. But all you felt was your heart sinking deeper and deeper into the pit of your stomach.

* * *

You asked Peter to leave for the day with the excuse of wanting to clean up your apartment and spend some time by yourself before your date that evening. It was the truth, time alone on your days off had been seldom lately. Peter was usually at your place on the weekends and it was nice to have some time alone with just your thoughts. Until you heard a knock at your door. You opened it with the chain still latched, hand on your gun. 

It was the delivery guy with a rather large, tall box.

_"Delivery for.. Calico?"_

You hadn't ordered anything and weren't expecting anything that you could remember.

_"Uh.. yeah, that's me. I'm not expecting anything, who's it from?"_

_"Two first names, a Mr. Jason Jack."_

He had the "I don't get paid enough for this" attitude but you asked him to hold on for just a moment anyways, pulling your phone out to ring your dad. 

_"Dad, did you send me something? I've got a guy here with a huge box, wanted to make sure it's legit before I opened a terroristic sized package of anthrax."_

_"Oh! I meant to text you, baby. Don't hate me but we're remodeling, I wanted to send you some stuff from your room. Don't worry, the rest will be in the garage."_

You let out a sigh of relief and unhooked the chain from your door, waving the delivery guy inside and signing for the package.

_"Good God, Dad, I about had damn hazmat here! Warn me next time!"_

Your pops apologized profusely before hurrying off the phone, he'd taken up fishing with his lady and was reeling in a big one.

You dragged the heavy box in front of your couch and cut it open with your boot knife, you couldn't see inside it from your sitting position but reached inside anyways. What you immediately felt was familiar, a smile spread across your face before ever even pulling it out. Your guitar. Your _first _guitar. The one you'd inherited from your dad when you were just a little girl and had learned to play on. You'd spent countless nights up, strumming it and writing songs that weren't half bad. It'd broke your heart to not bring it with you when you made the move to New York, but you made damn sure that your dad got it out of that crime scene before CSU had the chance to tear the place a part. Along with your keyboard.

You laid it across your lap and stroked the neck, your dad had tuned it perfectly before wrapping it up and shipping it off. You strummed it once. Just once, before the last memory you had with it filled your head. You were watching it like a flashback in a movie, in black and white. 

You'd been sitting on Jesse's back porch, Bradley was out late drinking and you were scared of being there when he got home. It was just a few days before your abrupt move and you were talking to him about what you'd do if you really mustered up the courage to leave your home town for good. You'd been spitballing lyrics and rhythms back and forth all night and were a little bit tipsy from the twelve pack of Blue Moons you'd tag teamed together.

One of the last times you'd ever have a "normal" life. If you would even call it that. You were still getting slapped around at home, but that had become your version of normal a long, long time ago. At least that you could deal with in private, you could hide the bruises with makeup and the hand prints on your throat with sweaters or scarves. But just a few days later, everyone you knew would look at you as a victim. They'd walk on eggshells around you, afraid of hurting your feelings.

So you opened your laptop, hoping to find that sense of "normalcy" one more time. The little bubble sound played through the speaker and you made a silly face at the camera until the person on the other end of the line answered.

_"Cal, we're in the same time zone and it's Saturday."_

Jesse's voice was a mixture of sleepy and whiney, he held the phone close to his face but you could tell he was still wrapped up in his blanket in bed. 

_"Have you heard the story of the guy who decided not to die?"_

He rolled his face around on his blanket, trying to gain a train of thought and remember the next set of lyrics. It took him a second, but he continued.

_"He figured living was just easier than falling really high."_

_"His son heard about it later, thought, "Maybe that is why I'm enamored by the thought of seeing angels in the sky and they're singing" "_

He rolled over on to his back and finished off the chorus, neither of you singing. Just speaking the lyrics as if you were holding a normal conversation.

_"And they're singing, saying, "Everything's all right"_   
_I haven't heard that on Earth, so maybe I will find a place to sleep_   
_Just a comfortable place to lay my head"_

You were about to continue but Jesse saw the guitar sitting on your lap and stopped you.

_"Wait, wait, wait -"_

He propped his phone up on his night stand and left the range of the camera, returning a moment later with his own guitar. He strummed it, and you followed along.

_"Please shoot me in the face, but first let me smoke a cigarette that's laced with fucking arsenic and mace_   
_Just kill me in my sleep, smother me with pillows and kindness, in which I have never seen_   
_Please slit my perfect throat with the knife that I gave you when I told you "I love you" in my home_   
_Please stab me in the back, and twist it with the anger of every single time I made you mad._ _"_

_"Part of being alive is wishing that you weren't sometimes_   
_And as your brain forces you to breathe, it lets you indulge in such reluctancy_   
_But what's more amazing than that is that you can do it and it won't fight back_   
_Your brain will calmly cease to breathe_   
_If you really wanna shoot it, or smash it into things_   
_And if I don't feel better in the next ten years, then sorry, my dear_   
_And if I don't feel better in the next ten years, then sorry, my dear."_

You stopped strumming and just looked at Jesse for a moment. He reminded you of Lucia, the woman that Sonny had reluctantly brought to the charity event. He reminded you of Lucia in the way that she was supposed to be the one to hold Sonny's heart. You thought for a moment that maybe Bradley hadn't been the asshole that God had crafted for you. Maybe it had been Jesse, but you'd missed your window with him thinking that you could change a man who had let the devil grip his soul so tight that it bled black onto everyone around him. 

And then Jesse had missed his window with you, allowing Sonny to cast his protective gaze over you when he should've just asked you to stay. Would that have been enough, though? He'd wondered that a few times, he was wondering it now. It didn't matter, Jesse had taken up a new role in your life the past five months. Reminding you of a time before your public life was so complicated. 

_"That song sounds much better played acoustic"_

_Jesse smirked and set his guitar aside._

_"Is that all you called me for, chief?"_

_"No, Dad sent me a box of stuff from back home, I just needed to talk to someone that hasn't seen me naked."_

_"That is.. so specific. What's going on in your head?"_

_"I hate to come to you about guy problems, but.. guy problems."_

Jesse laughed and pulled the blanket back around him, having only been in his boxers when you called.

_"I've been dealing with your guy problems since we were 17, Cal. Shoot."_

_"I've been sleeping with this dude lately.. he asked me out to dinner tonight. He's a good guy, I said sure. But if I'm being honest, I'm not really interested-"_

He cut you off, _"In anyone but your partner?"_

You just nodded your head.

_"Why aren't ya'll back together, dude?"_

_"I'm ready for him to come back, Jess. But it's complicated.. things happened that he doesn't know about and I'm scared to even tell him about them. And if he finds out about this other guy.."_

_"Oh God, do you work with this other guy, too?"_

You rubbed your face in your hands, resisting saying it out loud for the first time.

_"He's our fucking ADA.."_

Jess had a surprised expression and leaned back against his headboard, _"That is a fucking conflict of interest just waiting to happen, Cal, what the fuck."_

He didn't have to tell you, you already knew. It was a concern you'd been pushing to the back of your mind since the very beginning. 

_"It started out casual.. and it still is casual for ME. But I think he feels different and I'm gonna feel like shit when I let him down, Jess."_

You were just whining now. There was nothing Jesse could do to fix it for you and you didn't expect him to, you just needed someone to talk to that wasn't your squad or family. 

_"You can't blame yourself for his emotions. That's what got you sent up to New York in the first place."_

You cut your eyes at him but he was right. Remembering to put yourself first had always been a daily chore and you'd never been very good at it, even with your ex's hands around your throat. 

You spent a little while catching up with Jesse, he told you about a cute little red head he was talking to. Seriously talking to, not just trying to bring to bed. You'd had plenty of time to clear your head since January, you were tired of using Peter and frankly felt guilty for it. Something about him asking you on a date.. a real date, it'd cleared the fog that had filled your head.

You spent the afternoon cleaning your apartment spotless, it'd gotten generally untidy from the weekends you spent cooped up in it. Peter called you around 6 p.m, asking if he could pick you up in an hour. He wanted to take you to Hakkasan, you were thankful that he chose a place casual enough for you to not have to buy a new dress.

Peter knocked on your door at 6:15, you opened it in a tied up, olive green t-shirt dress and a light washed jean jacket. Peter wasn't used to casual, but it was becoming a comforting part of his every day routine. 

_ "Cal.. you look great." _

A smile swept across his face and he pulled you in for a kiss. To him, that kiss caused fireworks to erupt in his head. But to you, it was just a kiss.. there were no explosions, no butterflies in the pit of your stomach. But you smiled back at him anyways and rested your palm against his chest before he took your arm, leading you down to the lobby doors and into the taxi that was waiting for you.

Hakkasan was a lovely place to be. It was casual but still classy, a good place for a date. Being out in public with Peter made you uncomfortable though, you were constantly looking over your shoulder for someone that you knew. Peter sensed it.

_ "We can leave, really. I don't want you feeling uncomfortable or-" _

_ "No, Peter, it's fine. Really, I've just had a lot on my mind today. And everything going on with our case right now, I'm just in my own head." _

He knew something else was bothering you but didn't press the topic. You'd already ordered your meals anyways, it would be dumb to leave now. So he just tried to change the subject.

_ "How is that going, by the way?" _

You and Olivia had located Jules and Ruby Hunter just days ago, and by complete chance. They'd been hiding out at the same safe haven that Echo was spending his retirement. It was a tough case now for everyone, knowing that Nick Hunter was out of Rikers. You'd spent yesterday afternoon in family court, watching Nick's defense attorney tear his wife apart. Claiming that she was never abused, that her husband was not a threat to their daughter and that she was making up the whole thing just so that she didn't need to share custody. It was sickening. You knew from talking to Sonny earlier today that he would be helping her relocate to a safer location tonight, probably a guarded hotel room or police funded apartment. She would stay there until the divorce proceeding were finished and the custody battle for Ruby ended. 

_ "I don't even wanna think about that damn case. Peter, there's actually something else I wanted to talk to you about.." _

You grabbed his hands across the table. The large hands that you'd held on to dozens of times now, that you'd found a strange comfort in.

_ "I'm all ears, what is it?" _

You struggled to find the words to say. It shouldn't have been this hard, you'd broken off countless hookups between moving to New York and finding solace in Sonny's arms. 

_ "Peter, I think-" _

You didn't have time to finish the thought before feeling your phone vibrate in your jacket pocket. It was Sonny, probably with a new case that he needed you to respond to.

_ "Ugh, hold on, I gotta take this.." _

_ "No, please, take your time." _

You answered and held the phone up to your ear, unable to even state your name before Sonny started rambling. But you couldn't understand him, his accent having thickened in his panicked state.

_ "Whoa, Dom, slow down. What's going on??" _

All you could make out were a handful of cross streets and that there had been an accident, and as far as your were concerned you didn't need any further.

_ "Stay right there, I'm on my way!" _

You shoved your phone back in your jacket pocked before throwing your bag over your shoulder, Peter looked concerned.

_ "That doesn't sound good." _

It hadn't sounded good to you either, you got up from the table and leaned down to kiss Peter once on the lips.

_ "I am so, so sorry. I have to go! I'll call you!" _

* * *

You pulled up in the vehicle that you'd commandeered from a few civilians, it was an ugly sight. Your heart raced as your eyes scanned the scene of a two car accident, a red SUV and a black one. You recognized the black one, it was Sonny's favorite. He always chose it out of the lot if you needed a squad car to take out for the day. Your heart dropped for just a moment until you saw Sonny and Amanda sitting on the tailgate of an ambulance, Sonny covered in blood. Your feet moved faster than they ever had toward them.

_ "Sonny.." _

_ "I couldn't stop the car, I couldn't. He just blew through the stop sign!" _

His voice was frantic, he wasn't taking in anywhere as much air as he needed. But he still managed to reach out for you while getting out as much as he could in as little time as possible.

_ "He had on a baseball cap, I.. I couldn't stop the bleeding.. I tried, but I couldn't stop the bleeding." _

_ _

His arms wrapped around your waist, hugging your torso against his head. You stroked his hair and your eyes met Amanda's, she motioned to the right of you. Your eyes followed hers, leading to a body lying on the pavement. It was Jules Hunter.

Your heart ached at the thought of Sonny being thrown around in that vehicle, the very idea that he could've slipped away while you were on a date with another man.. You felt the same fear and guilt that he must've felt as he carried you out of the woods last winter. Your hands cupped his face and pulled it up to look you in the eyes, eyes that were filling with tears as you spoke.

_"Are you okay?? Amanda, has he been checked by a medic?"_

_"Yeah, he's a little banged up but it could've been worse. Much worse.."_

Tears were streaming down Sonny's face, his body shaking. You looked up at Amanda, she knew he wasn't going to be of any use here.

_"Get him outta here, Liv's on her way and I can take it from here."_

Your hands slid from his face down to his shoulders, guiding him away from the ambulance and toward the car. He didn't talk the entire ride home, he just gripped your hand that reassuringly rested on his thigh. He squeezed it tighter than he had the steering wheel as that car plowed into it, killing the innocent mother right in front of him.

* * *

You walked him up to your floor and down the hallway that he hadn't seen in months. But he barely noticed his surroundings anyways, all he could focus on was his failure. His inability to stop Jules' bleeding, to keep her safe when that was his _only _job.

Leading him into your bedroom, you sat him on the edge of your bed before starting the shower. Heating the water to the temperature you knew he liked. When you turned back around from the faucet, Sonny was right there. Standing in the doorway, his clothes, hands and face still covered in blood. He looked so defeated, and then it dawned on you.. that this was the first time he'd ever seen someone die. Even when he was in the basement with you, he hadn't looked at Hana's face. But he'd seen it this time, he'd watched the light leave Jules' eyes as she faded away. 

Your lips started to quiver as you thought of how long it'd been since he held you, suddenly regretting almost every decision you'd made in the past five months. Sonny held his hand out to you, you took it and met him in the middle. Resting gently against his chest as his arms fell around your shoulders, yours gripped the back of his shirt. He buried his face in your hair, taking in the scent that he'd missed so much. 

He held you like that for what felt like forever before finally letting you go. You couldn't find the words to say to him and he didn't have the energy to speak, but his eyes never once left yours as you stood apart. Sonny's blood stained fingers found the top button of his checkered shirt, slowly undoing them and sliding it off of his shoulders. You followed his lead, pulling your jean jacket off and letting it fall around your feet. You each took turns with articles of clothing until finally your were stepping out of the panties that hung around your ankles.

You softly scrubbed the dried blood from Sonny's hands and chest, and when your palm stroked his face to rinse it as well, he leaned his head into your gentle embrace. Closing his eyes, remembering what it was like to feel your warm touch every day. 

Your heart throbbed in your chest as you watched him reminisce. Your skin grew chill bumps when you felt his hand rest on your waist. Every aspect of your body was reacting to him, begging to be touched. Your thumb stroked his cheek and his eyes opened, meeting yours. Just like the first time, that night when he stood in your doorway, all you could muster up was a whisper.

_"Sonny?"_

_"Cal.."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Update Day! I would really love to hear any feedback from you guys, we have maybe 5 chapter left until this story comes to a close. ):  
I plan on starting a new story shortly after this one ends, of anyone has any ideas for my next Carisi/Reader Fic, I'd love to hear them!
> 
> Chapter Song - Almost (Sweet Music) by Hozier  
https://www.pinterest.com/pin/719309371717498576/


	25. Morning Mass

Sonny's free hand slid into your hair and pulled your under the warm stream with him. His lips met yours with the same passion that they had the first time, but without the hurried concern of your ringing phones interrupting. Droplets of water fell into your mouth as Sonny's tongue slid between your lips and met yours once again. You melted into his arms the second his familiar taste filled your head and he held you so close. He held you like he was terrified of letting go again. 

Sonny's hand left your face just long enough to shut the water off. He walked you out of the bathroom and to the edge of the bed without ever leaving your lips and when your thigh hit the edge of the mattress, he scooped you up before you could fall onto it. Your legs wrapped around his waist as his strong arms gripped you tight, your hands now cupping his face. Your heart pounded in your chest as Sonny lay you both down, facing each other. He felt the blood involuntarily rushing to his waist and ran his fingers over your soft skin, remembering the dreams he'd had just like this since your separation. For a moment he wondered if this was just another one of them, they always felt so real, but he knew that couldn't be the case when he felt you gently grinding against him. Your body did it without permission from your mind.

A multitude of emotions filled Sonny's head, he whispered against your lips.

_"I missed you so much, Cal.."_

Your kisses were becoming more frantic, your fingers running through his wet hair and his hands running up and down your thigh that was still perched over his hip.

_"I love you, oh my god I love you, Sonny."_

Sonny thought his heart was going to burst, his grip on you tightened and you ground against him harder. Finally, he reached for his shaft and slid it between your legs. His voice growling into your mouth.

_"Say it again, baby."_

He lined his head up with your wet opening, your body was begging for him to be inside of it. 

_"I love you, I love you so much."_

_"I love you, Cal.." _He said it as he slid inside you. Slowly, as to not get ahead of himself.

Now you were the one with a dozen emotions filling your head. You realized as he thrusted just how incomplete you'd felt without him. Your lips pulled away from his and went to his neck, kissing his skin softly as your arms wrapped around his shoulders. You felt so full, so happy, yet your eyes still ran over with tears.

Sonny stroked your hair and held you as he pushed in and out, trying so hard not to burst immediately. The angle he was at though forced him to grind against your clit over and over, causing your orgasm to build up deep inside of you. Between his deep thrusts and desperate hands gripping you all over, you didn't have any control over how long you'd last. 

He felt your moans against his throat and your thighs tightening around him, your nails digging into his shoulder blades as the intense pleasure crashed over you. He rolled his hips in time with it, pulling out slowly and then burying himself back inside you as deep as he could. Your inner walls squeezed him, milking an orgasm from him as well. He couldn't hold back any longer. Sonny held your bucking hips to his lap as he unloaded. His moans disappearing into your hair as his cum spilled inside you.

You panted hard against each other, your sweaty chests sticking together. Aftershocks rolled over you like the remnants of an earthquake until finally both of your heads cleared. Sonny kissed the top of your head and repeated himself again, telling you that he loves you.

A blanket of sleepiness fell over you but was soon interrupted with fear. You gasped harshly and pulled away from Sonny's chest, lifting yourself off of the bed as your hand went between your legs. Sonny looked at you as the light from the bathroom illuminated your body.

_"Oh my God, you came inside me?"_

Without giving him the chance to respond you rushed into the bathroom, trying to dig all of his cum out of you. Sonny remembered why you'd been rushed to the emergency room so many months ago and his guilt returned. 

_"Shit! I'm so sorry, Cal, I forgot-"_

You sighed and gave up, leaning back against the seat and just resting for a moment.

_"It's fine, I should've told you to pull out."_

Sonny stood in the doorway, leaning against the frame. He was taking in all of your beauty, having missed out on it the past four months. An awkward silence fell over the air that he didn't know how to break, because he didn't know where to go from here. You opened your eyes and looked at him, head still leaned back.

_"How effective do you think the pray it away method is?"_

He tried to hide his laugh but it's what you were aiming for, _"Wanna join me for Mass in the morning and find out?"_

You cleaned yourself up the best you could and washed your hands, Sonny did the same before following you back to the bed. He lay down with his arms wide open, waiting for you just like he used to. You cuddled up against his warm chest and he wrapped his arms around your shoulders, pulling the blanket over both of you. 

_"What happens next, doll?"_

You tossed that thought around in your mind for a moment, not wanting to push him into anything he didn't want. You meant it when you said you still loved him, and the thought of seeing him move onto someone else broke your heart, yet you still had to close things up with Peter.

_"I want whatever you want, Dom."_

Sonny kissed your head and stroked your bare back until you fell asleep, after that he lay there listening to your breathing for a while. Counting your heartbeats that thumped in time with his.

* * *

Your dream played in black and white with bright flashes of red. The red was muted, like it was coming from outside of the room you were in. No, not the room, the ambulance. The scene faded in and out and the voices were drowned out behind a high pitched siren, even if the siren had stopped everything still sounded like it was underwater.

_"She's losing a lot of blood, is there any chance she could be pregnant?"_

A voice you didn't recognize was followed by one that somehow brought you comfort, even when you were convinced your life was ending. 

_"What? No! She has an IUD."_

Your eyes opened for just a moment to see Sonny's terrified expression above you. He was unknowingly yelling at the innocent EMT, having become the panicked civilian that you both were familiar with. 

_"No, I don't know which one!"_

You faded back out into a second dream, no, a nightmare. The bright white walls of the hospital room nearly blinded you. You felt a sadness so deep in your core that you couldn't imagine and foreseeable way out of it. That is, until the doctor in front of you spoke. His words were muted as well, but you still understood what he was saying.

_ "The perforation alone wouldn't have caused hemorrhaging that severe. It was a combination of the perforation, the device pushing back through your cervix, and unfortunately.. the miscarriage." _

That was when all of the sadness drained from your body. All of the emotion, actually. Sadness, happiness, anger, guilt, it was all gone. You felt nothing all over again, a shell of a human being. Then, it all faded to black.

Your eyes shot open in the dark room and you sat straight up in bed, gasping for air that you couldn't seem to find. Your hand gripped your chest and Sonny sat up behind you, he'd barely been asleep.

_ "What's wrong?? What's going on?" _

You didn't hear his words, your eyes frantically shot around the room looking for nothing in particular as you whispered to yourself incoherently.

_ "I can't breathe, oh my god I can't breathe." _

Your legs moved without your mind telling them to and you pulled a robe over your shoulders, darting down the short hallway and out onto the patio. New York's air wasn't the cleanest but you needed to not feel so trapped. You took in as many slow, deep breaths as you could and buried your face in your hands. Your elbows rested on the balcony railing as you got control of your thoughts. 

Sonny pulled on his boxer briefs and followed after you, resting a hand on your back. He didn't have to say anything for you to know that he was there for you. You turned around and hugged him around the waist tight, just wanting to feel protected. He held you and leaned his head against the top of yours.

_ "Bad dream?" _

_ "Nightmare." _

You felt his head nod, _"Yeah, I get them too.. Come on."_

He led you back inside and sat you on the edge of the bed, pulling a loose t-shirt over your head.

_ "What are yours about?" _

Sonny paused for a second, looking at you over his shoulder before handing you a pair of underwear from your dresser.

_ "Usually.. you. You being hurt on the field and I'm not able to help you. I can always see you, but can never run fast enough to save you." _

He sat down on the bed in front of you and grabbed your hands, bringing them to his lips and kissing them.

_ "What about yours?" _

You stared at your hands while trying to decide what you were going to tell him. 

_ "About that night.. after Hana was gone. I can always hear you talking to the EMT in the ambulance, then it flashes to the doctor in front of me in the hospital room.." _

He pursed his lips, it hurt to talk or even think about that night. He still beat himself up about yelling at you when he should've just been making sure you were okay.

_"Cal.. I am so sorr-"_

_'Please, just let me get this out."_

You felt that heavy feeling in your chest again, slowing your breathing and trying to hold back tears.

_"Sonny, that night..."_

The words hung in your throat, they were too big for you to get out. You looked up from your hands to Sonny's face.

_"I swear to God, I didn't know.. I would've never.."_

A handful of tears spilled over the brim of your eyes and he cupped your face in his hands, now scared for what you were going to say.

_"What, sweetheart? Whatever it is, it wasn't your fault."_

But it was, you knew it was. Sonny wiped the tears from your cheeks and asked you again.

_"What happened, Cal?"_

_"I.. I miscarried that night."_

Sonny's head cocked to the side like he didn't understand what you were saying. His hands fell from your face to his lap and his brow furrowed, trying to comprehend the words that came out of your mouth. When he finally spoke, his voice was low.

_"What? What are you talking about?"_

The tears kept spilling, you were frantically trying to explain your innocence before he could make assumptions.

_"I swear to God, I didn't know, Sonny. I would've never gone into that house, I would've never-"_

He pulled you to his chest and let you cry your eyes out, but couldn't stop his mind from racing between thoughts. You crawled into his lap and he held you, your face buried against his neck. Finally, you heard his whisper into your hair.

_"You were pregnant?.."_

Saying that word, pregnant, it made the situation sink into his brain. His tears hit your hair and he gripped you back, trying his best to hold himself together.

_"I didn't know.."_

_"With my baby?"_

All you could do was nod against him and pray he didn't pull away from you. His blood ran cold with the thoughts of everything that could've been. Images flashed through his head, images of your growing belly, of his child being brought into the world, waking up with you in the middle of the night to care for it. But he snapped back to reality when he realized that all of that was gone, you were still here. He had the chance to make things right and be here for you now, since he wasn't when everything happened in the first place.

_"Please don't hate me. I'm so sorry.."_

He lifted your face with his hands and looked you in the eyes, you could see the pain in them. 

_"How could you not tell me about this, Cali?? I could've helped you through this!"_

_"I was in so much pain that I couldn't feel.. anything. I couldn't let you feel like that, too.."_

Sonny shook his head, _"Everything you go through, we go through together. Okay?"_

You nodded your head in his hands.

_"I love you."_

_"I love you, too."_

He kissed you again reassuringly, letting you know that he didn't blame you. He wasn't mad. He was heartbroken, filled with guilt, but he didn't hate you like you'd assumed he would. Sonny pulled you down with him and pulled the lamp string. Leaving small kisses in your hair and breathing in your scent until the two of you finally drifted back to sleep.

* * *

After some convincing, you decided to go to Mass with Sonny in the morning. The 11 am service because there was no way you were waking up in time for the 8:30 one. You’d never been to a Catholic Church before and while you weren’t exactly religious, you were holding onto hope that going would give you a slightly better chance of not becoming pregnant.. again.

You dressed yourself up in a white, floral maxi skirt with a tucked in plain, beige light sweater. Sonny brought you by his month-to-month rental. It’s been almost five months since he broke his lease and barely moved in with you before moving right back out. His new place was nice though, it came furnished so he didn’t have to buy any new furniture. You watched him change into a fitted pair of navy pants and a light blue button down shirt. He brought a comb through his hair and styled it perfectly. It was one of the things you admired, how meticulous he was about his appearance.

_ “Sorry you got stuck in this place, by the way.” _

Sonny smirked and continued grooming himself,  _“Y’know, you should really consider converting to Catholicism as much as you apologize.” _

The two of you rushed between the pews just in time for the service to start. You shimmied in front of strangers that Sonny had known since birth and took your place beside Mrs. Carisi, she was startled by her son but grew a pleasant smile when she saw his face. She kissed his cheek and pointed down the isle, both of your heads leaned forward to see Sonny’s sister, Theresa and his niece, Mia. Mia grinned wide and waved at you. You’d truly missed his family the past few months, but especially Mia. You got along very well with her, maybe it was because you were somewhat close in age, but she’d come to you once or twice about boy troubles and arguments with her Mom and it’d upset her quite a bit when you’d stopped coming around.

The service dragged on and you felt like a five year old twiddling your thumbs in Sunday school all over again. Except worse, at least Methodist services had singing. You finally felt Sonny stir beside you, it brought you out of your half asleep state. You followed Sonny hand in hand to the courtyard outside and before you knew it, his mother had you wrapped up in a tight hug.

_ “Oh, we’ve missed you so much, sweetie! It’s so great to see you!” _

It took you by surprise, you’d fully expected the cold shoulder for breaking her baby boy’s heart. They passed you around like communion wine, hugs for everyone. You got to Bella and had to maneuver around her big belly, she was due in less than two months.

You crossed your fingers and fake squinted your eyes,_ “Please tell me it’s a little girl.”_

Sonny snaked and arm around your waist, the other buried in his pants pocket,  _ “They’re waiting until D-Day to find out.” _

You looked at them like they were insane.

_ “Oh no, I’d go crazy. You’re freakin’ glowing though, you look great.” _

_ “Yeah right, I look like I haven’t slept in seven months.” _

She wasn't _wrong_. She looked tired, the bags under her eyes were well hidden with concealer but you could still see them. You, Bella and the rest of the Carisi ladies got to talking about everything she still needed, all of her symptoms and whatnot. Sonny nodded for Tommy to follow him as he walked.

_ "You ready to be a Dad again, bud? Not much longer now." _

Sonny wasn't as hard on Tommy as he used to be, he'd really stepped up in the past few years. He still liked to check up on him though, make sure he was staying on the straight and narrow. But that wasn't what he pulled him away for today.

_ "Oh yeah, we'll be happy with anything. Hell, it could come out a damn.. cat.. for all I care. But we're kinda hoping for a girl this time around." _

Sonny laughed and nodded, taking a seat on a concrete bench in the garden. He wasn't good at opening up, especially to other men. It just wasn't something that he was raised doing.

_ "Everything okay? You and Cal back on?" _

_ "Something like that. Whatever we do, we're gonna take it slow this time." _

Just like Sonny wasn't good at opening up, Tommy wasn't good at comforting people. But he could tell something was up and that Sonny wanted to talk about it.

_ "Something you wanna talk about, man?.." _

Sonny nodded and went for it, like he did most things. Head first with no warning.

_ "Don't tell the girls, you know they can't keep their mouths shut. ESPECIALLY my sister." _

_ "No, I gotcha, what's up?" _

He chewed on his lip for a second before spitting it out.

_ "Cali told me she lost a baby a few months back.. MY baby." _

Tommy's awkwardness melted away, he and Bella were familiar with this. Too familiar. 

_ "Jeez, that's rough, man.. You know, Bells and I went through a miscarriage, too." _

_ "Really? I had no idea, you guys never said anything." _

_ "Well yeah, it's not something people really talk about. It was like a year ago, Bella didn't even tell me 'til like two weeks later." _

Sonny's animated expressions got the better of him, his hands doing a great job of giving off his frustration.

_ "So what did you do? What do I do? What do WE do?" _

Tommy shrugged, there was no real answer to those questions. You'd had months to sort out your feelings and get past this loss, but it was still new to Sonny. 

_ "You love each other through it. Don't place the blame on each other.. and don't make it a taboo subject." _

Sonny saw your smiling face turn the corner, arm in arm with his sister. He imagined what this image would look like had things gone differently. You and Bella would be due around the same time, but he quickly pushed that thought out of his head. If it were meant to happen it would've happened. He stood up, both hands in his pockets, watching your hips sway toward him with a stupid smile on his face.

Your eyes caught his and you couldn't help but smile back, you'd missed the feeling of his eyes on you all the time. You wrapped your hands around his waist and intertwined your fingers together, looking up at him.

_ "You got something to say?" _

_ "Just takin' in the view." _

Good God did your heart flutter, you were so hopelessly in love with the man in front of you. The love eyes you were making at each other were broken though by Theresa asking if everyone wanted to catch lunch together, and everyone agreed. Then the Sunday Market, then back to the Carisi house. Before you knew it, Mama Carisi was teaching you how to hand roll pasta noodles for a homemade dinner. 

Sonny sat across from you at the dinner table, your ankle rested against his. He'd barely had time with you to himself the whole day, but things like that let him know that you were always paying attention. And he had been paying attention for every moment, too. He watched you braid Mia's hair, spin Frankie around as he jumped into your arms, and play old wive's tales with Bella to guess the sex of her baby. He knew he was supposed to be taking it slow, at least those were the rules he'd set for himself, but it took everything in him not to just pick up where you'd left off. It felt like nothing had changed, no time had passed, but somehow things were better than before. 

Just like every other Carisi house visit, the two of you said goodbye for an hour before actually walking out the front door. Sonny's mom waved off the porch and yelled, _"Don't be a stranger now, Cali! We want to see you more often!"_

_"I'm not goin' anywhere this time!"_

You lifted yourself into the front seat of your Subaru and took the aux chord, putting on a country song playlist. Sonny's face turned, he wondered if you were sick. But you were just lovesick, and country artists did lovesick melodies best. He held your hand all the way across the bridge and back to Manhattan, not paying attention to the route you'd taken because he couldn't take his eyes off of your face. He watched your lips, how they moved so smoothly along with the words. 

You pulled up to the dark building and put your car in park. Finally, Sonny looked at his surroundings outside, you'd stopped right outside of his apartment. 

_ "No nightcap this time?" _

You shook your head and turned down the radio, turning toward him.

_ "Nope. I wanna do things right this time around, Dom." _

He lifted an eyebrow and nodded, understandingly. 

_ "Whatever pace you wanna go, baby. I'm down for it." _

Sonny leaned in and gave you a small peck on the lips. Just a small peck. No tongue, his hand never moved from your thigh. He literally did nothing arousing at all, but that small peck left you wanting just a little more. He reached for the door and opened it, his foot barely lowered to the pavement when you grabbed his bicep closest to you. 

_ "Wait-" _

He turned back toward you, hand still on the door. You cut your eyes at him and couldn't hide your smirk, something about this made you feel like a teenager staying out past curfew again.

_ ".. You wanna make out in the back seat?" _

_ _

He lifted his leg back inside the car and closed the door behind him and god damn.. the look he gave you, you knew the two of you were back on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Song - Sweetheart by Thomas Rhett
> 
> Comments are ALWAYS appreciated guys! Suggestions, criticism, encouragement, anything. I hope you guys are enjoying this fic, leave me some suggestions for my next one because this one is wrapping up here soon. ):


	26. Born Again Virgins

Your week went on with you and Sonny returning to work like nothing had happened. Part of taking it slow meant not letting your coworkers push your relationship along at their pace. They'd be back to planning your wedding in no time if they found out the two of you were semi-back together. So you stuck to leg brushing underneath your desks and sneaking kisses behind closed doors. You behaved yourself extra when Peter was around. He knew something was up, he probably could've guessed on his own but he wanted to believe that he hadn't accidentally fallen for a one night stand. Even if it had been much, much more than one night. He'd texted you once or twice asking if you two were on for this weekend like usual, you'd ignored him the first time and told him you were busy the second. 

Besides needing to deal with Peter, your week went great. More than great, really. You felt more like yourself than you had in months, Sonny had taken up the habit of walking you home in the evenings and never tried to go further on your stoop than you wanted. Not that it would've taken much convincing anyways. 

Friday afternoon came around and the precinct was bustling. Even with it being close to quitting time the room was full of uniformed officers, defense attorneys, perps and your squad. Victims were coming in left and right and you never noticed when new faces walked through the door. As soon you or your team mates cleared up with one report, you moved right on to the next one. You were sitting at our desk with a college aged girl who believed she was date raped, your back facing the door, when a dark haired man came in. Amanda had just showed a couple out when he approached her.

_"I'm Detective Rollins, can I help you?"_

He smiled at her and reached his hand out for her to shake, she thought it odd but took his hand anyways. 

_"Hi, I'm..."_

That first word. It's all you heard before a chill ran down your spine. The rest of his words were drowned out by the piercing sound that you knew meant a panic attack coming on. Sonny looked at you from the couple he was speaking to and watched a glassiness fall over your eyes but before he could ask if you were okay, you were dropping your notepad to your desk and pushing your chair back. Your hand went to your gun before you ever turned around but when you did, you were mere feet from one of your biggest fears. He smiled even with your gun pointed at him in a room full of cops.

_"Cali!"_

Your name escaping his lips made you nauseous. You spoke low to avoid making a bigger scene than you already had.

_"Bradley.. put your hands up and get on your knees."_

By now the rest of your coworkers had rose to their feet, their faces held a confused expression. Confused as to why he looked to happy to see you but you looked so scared for your life. He held his arms out instead of up like he was expecting you to holster your gun and run to him. 

_"Don't try me, Brad. This isn't the place."_

_"Come on, swee-"_

He made a single step towards you before Amanda kicked in the back of his knees, forcing him down. She swiftly moved behind him and closed her handcuffs around his wrists, looking up at you as to ask what the hell was going on. Sonny circled his desk and stood in front of you, your gun still pointed forward. He wrapped his hands around the barrel and slowly lowered it, taking it from you. Olivia had heard the room fall silent and walked out of her office to see what was going on, when she saw the man on his knees she rushed over and pointed to the holding cell.

_"Rollins, put him in the cage and call Dodds, tell him we need him here."_

She pointed at you and Sonny and motioned for the two of you to follow her. Fin was close behind the three of you, slamming the door behind him.

_F - "Okay, what the hell was that??"_

Olivia dropped her glasses onto her desk, _"That.. was Jack's ex-fiance. She has a lifelong order of protection against him."_

Sonny's previously crossed arms dropped as he aggressively pointed out the window in the direction of the holding cell that Bradley was now standing in.

_S - "Wait, THAT'S your ex?"_

He was nearly yelling, like he always did when emotions were heightened. Sonny reached for the door in a move to rush out but before his hand could grip the knob, someone on the other side pushed it inward. Amanda made her way into the room with Peter behind her. She'd been told about Bradley over a few beers one night, just hadn't know what he looked like.

_A - "I'm assuming that's the ex?"_

_F - "Apparently, I'm just being told that an ex even exists."_

_O - "Rollins, is Dodds on his way?"_

_A - "Well he said he's tied up right now, but gave us permission to 'do whatever we need to do'."_

Peter sat his briefcase on the coffee table in front of you, _"Great, I'll have charges for violation of an OOP, stalking and harassment. Someone bring him down to arraignment."_

Sonny reached for the doorknob again before Liv interrupted him, _"NOT you, Carisi. Fin, you and Amanda take care of him. Peter, go with them. Make sure everything is done by the books."_

Everyone was standing, exchanging thoughts as if you weren't even there, and you wished that you really _weren't _there. You were sitting on the couch drowning in your own sea of thoughts, flashbacks played in your mind. Flashbacks of the first time he ever slapped you across the face, then immediately wrapped his arms around you and apologized. Saying that he was so sorry, that he would never do it again but you'd just made him so angry. Flashbacks of all the times he squeezed your throat so hard that you didn't think you'd wake up from the darkness that fell over you. 

Fin, Amanda and Peter left the room. You didn't see them take Bradley away in handcuffs but Sonny watched adamantly from the window above the couch. 

_"I can't believe I actually thought I'd be safe here.."_

Liv took a seat beside you, wrapping an arm around your shoulder. She always had such a subtle way of comforting people.

_"Cali you ARE safe here, I'm not gonna let anybody hurt you."_

_ “I’m gonna have 24/7 detail outside your apartment until we know he’s out of the state.” _

Sonny kneeled in front of you, looking you sternly in the eyes,  _“I’ll pack a bag from my place and stay with you for the weekend.”_

You didn’t bother fighting him on the subject and didn’t want to anyways. You’d both agreed to take things slow but truthfully, you were just missing him. So you nodded and Sonny kissed you on the forehead before standing back up and successfully making it out the door this time. He grabbed his coat from his desk and excused himself from the victims he’d been talking to before pacing out of the precinct.

Olivia stood up and quietly closed the door that Sonny had left ajar, making her way back to her desk and sitting on the edge.

_ “I know that you’re scared.. but you are so strong. You’ve got a village behind you and we’re gonna get this taken care of.” _

_ “How do you do it, Liv? When you had to testify against Lewis, how did you not just... draw your gun and shoot him?” _

_ “I’d be lying if I said I never considered it. Men like William Lewis, like Bradley, when they can’t physically control you any more they rely on the mental restraint they have on you. When you lose control of yourself, even if it’s at their expense, it just feeds into their ego. Don’t let him get to you.” _

You let out an exasperated sigh and leaned your head back on the couch, staring at the ceiling.

_ “Just tell me how to be more like you, Liv.” _

She laughed and took the spot beside you,_ “You are so much like me.. sometimes I feel like I’m looking into a freaking mirror.”_

She patted your back one last time before swinging her office door open, _“Finish up yours and Sonny’s reports and then you can call it a night.”_

* * *

You spoke to Sonny’s victims briefly. It was a couple that had just given birth to a beautiful, biracial baby girl. The only problem was that they were a white couple, as soon as they were discharged from the hospital the husband dragged his wife into the precinct so she could report her assault. It didn’t take long for her to admit that she’d had an affair nine short months ago.

Then you finished up with your girl. She was nineteen years old and had just moved to New York from Denver for college. She’d gone with her roommate to a frat party and didn’t remember much after two solo cups full of beer, waking up the next afternoon and just knowing that something was off. She did everything right. Didn’t brush her teeth, didn’t shower or even use the bathroom. She was shy and scared, but strong. Her story was solid and she wasn’t backing down. You held her hand through the exam and hugged her tight for the brief moment that she broke down in tears, reassuring her that everything would be okay. Everything you were saying to her, you were simultaneously saying to yourself.

You dropped the girl off at her dorm and walked her inside before driving slowly back toward your apartment, hoping that Sonny was already there so that you didn’t have to spend a single moment alone.

Your door was cracked open when you approached it, had the smell of herbs and spices not been floating down the hallway you might’ve been worried. You watched as Sonny place sauteed asparagus onto two plates next to the chicken saltimbocca he’d cooked. He smiled up from the plates when he finally noticed you, but you continued to stare in awe at the scene. He’d tidied up your apartment and dimmed a few lights, lighting candles on your small kitchen table and changed into a pair of jeans and grey Henley that he knew you loved.

_ "Sonny, you didn't have to do all this, really." _

He rounded the table and took your bag from over your shoulder, pulling a seat out for you, _"I know I didn't have to. But I figured you wouldn't wanna go out."_

_"You figured right."_

_"So.. my first order of business is putting some meat back on your bones."_

The dinner was delicious. You were just cleaning your plate when your phone dinged from your pocket, it was Peter. You were fully prepared for him to ask what you were doing that night, but your face fell when you read something completely different. You dropped your phone to the table and couldn't stop the sigh from escaping your lips.

_ "Bradley?" _

_ "Out on bond that he's already posted." _

Sonny lips pursed as he shook his head, this was the type of thing that stopped him from becoming an ADA. He couldn't understand how a twenty-six year old man with a history of assault with a deadly weapon, stalking and harassment could be let out on bond into the same city as his victim. He gathered your plates and took them to the sink.

_ "Listen, I'm gonna be here all weekend. There's a car outside the building. Everything will be a-okay." _

You spent the rest of the evening laying on the couch between Sonny's legs, strumming chords while he played a KOBS game.  Followed by an intense make-out session that had the two of you grinding against each other through your jeans like sixteen year old virgins.

Sonny spoke to you between kisses while grasping for your belt loops, _“Come on babe, lay down with me.. let’s move to the bedroom.”_

You smiled against his lips and moved down to his neck, remembering the exact spots that drove him crazy. You responded sarcastically while planting hot kisses on his skin.

_ “Hm.. I was thinking we could become born again virgins, save ourselves for marriage, y’know.” _

But he wasn’t having that, he’d learned your game long ago and knew how to play it. Sonny grabbed you by the waist and lifted up, moving so you were beneath him on the couch. Your legs instinctively wrapped around his waist as he pressed between them. A moan nearly escaped your throat before he muffled it with his own lips. If it weren’t for the restriction of both your jeans, he would’ve already been inside you.

_ “I'm sure we can find a priest somewhere in this city.” _

And just as you were about to give in to your urges, just as you were about to tug Sonny’s shirt over his shoulders, you were interrupted by the loud cop knock at your door.

Sonny sighed hard and sat up between your legs, _“Do you mind?”_

He motioned at his lap, pointing out the extremely noticeable tent pitched in them. You laughed, straightening up your clothes and hair before swinging open the door. Two unis stood in front of you, you hated to say that they looked like babies because they were around your age, but they did.

_ “Detective Jack, sorry to bother you. We just witnessed what appeared to be a drone flying near your balcony.” _

Your eyes got wide as you turned back to look at Sonny, but he’d already started toward the patio doors. He flung them open and searched the sky in all directions, but the drone was already long gone.

_ “So what, you guys didn’t do anything??” _

_ “We already told dispatch to put out a BOLO for it.” _

Sonny spoke while simultaneously dialing numbers on his phone, _“How long was it there and direction of travel?”_

_ “A minute, two max. Last seen headed toward Hell’s Kitchen. It’s gotta have a camera, the second we got out of the car it dipped.” _

_ “Alright, you two call in some relief units. Tell them to come in an unmarked car wearing plain clothes. If it’s our suspect he already knows what you guys look like and what you’re in.” _

The two uniformed officers turned back towards the hallway.

_“Hey, wait-“ _ You scribbled your phone number down on a piece of paper, handing it to the female cop. " _Whoever responds, tell them to call me before stepping out of their vehicle if they see anything else. Thanks guys.”_

You shut the door as Sonny drew the blinds to the sliding glass doors. You laid on the couch with your arms crossed over your face, trying your best not to cry. He lay down between your legs with his head resting on your stomach, looking up at you.

_ “I know you don’t wanna hear this, doll, but it might be best for us to go to my place.” _

_ “And let him push me out of my own home?” _

_ “It’s just temporary, you know that.” _

You didn’t respond, focusing all of your energy on not screaming out of frustration and anger. Eventually Sonny lifted himself to his feet and held his hand out, pulling you into the tightest hug he ever had.

_ “Tell you what, I already told Liv we’d head to my apartment. How about we go to sleep and hold off until tomorrow, sound good?” _

You nodded against his chest and wiped the few tears that had fallen down your cheeks. He double checked every door and window, closing every blind that he could before following you to bed.

In the past you would fall asleep against Sonny’s chest and eventually turn over in your sleep, but not that night. That night you held onto him like your life depended on it. Sonny woke up with every creak and crack, every sound of the building settling around him.

Saturday afternoon you packed a bag to last a few days and started towards Sonny’s apartment. A marked car stayed outside of your building as a ruse and an unmarked one parked outside of his for actual protection. They continued their patrol throughout the night and into Sunday but with no moves made on Bradley’s end, you and Sonny ended up just having two quiet nights to yourselves. You spent it watching movies, playing video games and drinking a little bit too much wine before tasting it on each other’s lips. You thoroughly regretted it thanks to the headache you woke up with on Monday morning.

Your life started to stabilize throughout the week. You would testify against Bradley on Wednesday but had convinced Sonny to let you return to your apartment alone by Tuesday.

You were filling up your coffee cup around noon when a scared looking teenager walked into the precinct.

_ “Hi, I’m Detective Jack. Is there something I can help you with?” _

_ “Calico? Detective Calico Jack? I’m Maci Greene, my roommate reported her rape to you last Friday.” _

You pulled up a chair for her by your desk and took a seat beside her, _"Yeah, Rosalind. How is she?"_

It was clear by the worried look in her eyes and the shakiness of her voice that the two were very close, _"I don't know, I haven't been able to get in contact with her. She isn't answering her phone."  
_

You reached for your notepad and placed a hand on her shoulder, trying to take advantage of the calming techniques that Olivia had taught you.

_ "Okay, let's take this one step at a time. When did you last hear from her?" _

Maci had said goodbye to Rosalind Friday afternoon before driving to Boston to see her boyfriend. She'd offered to cancel and spend the weekend in the dorms with her roommate, but Rosalind told her to go ahead, that she planned to take a short flight back home and spend some time with her parents. When she didn't show up for their first class together Monday morning, Maci started to get worried. She phoned the girl's parents who hadn't heard from their daughter all weekend, they just figured she'd missed her flight or decided to spend a quiet weekend in her room. 

_ "I figured she was just out job hunting or catching up on her studies, maybe she just needed time to be alone. But she didn't come home last night and she wasn't in class today either, now her phone is shut off!" _

Maci was in tears, her mind rushing to the worst conclusions possible.

_ "Okay, it's okay. We're gonna get this figured out, do my partner and I have permission to enter your dorm room?" _

She nodded her head and handed you her key card, you ran the situation by Liv. She sent Rollins and Fin to check out the airport security cameras.

* * *

Inside the Hudson University dorm, you and Sonny found nothing out of the usual. Photos strung up on the walls from road trips, a Netflix log-in screen on the TV, and some pot in a little jewelry box on Rosalind's desk. Other than that, the place was squeaky clean.

_"Maybe she just wanted to get away, y'know. She **was **just raped.."_

_"I don't know, babe.. something about this isn't sitting right with me."_

She'd even written a note and left it on her roommates night stand, it read, _"I know you're worried, but I'll be okay. Thanks for being a good friend. See you Monday."_

Sonny placed the note in an evidence baggy, _"Sure doesn't sound like the words of a girl who's about to go off the grid. Want me to call in CSU?"_

_"Nah.. this place looks exactly like it did when I dropped her off Friday. If someone picked her up I don't think it happened here."_

You moved your search to the parking garage, eventually locating her powder blue Toyota Prius. To the naked eye, it just looked like a car that hadn't left the garage in a few days. But you saw something poking out from underneath it. You got down on all fours and grabbed the leather strap with a glove covered finger, holding it up for Sonny to see.

_"Looks like we found our crime scene."_

Sonny called crime scene while you dialed Liv, she told you that Amanda and Fin hadn't found any evidence that Rosalind had made it to the airport on Friday night. But you already knew that, her confirmation was hanging out of her purse when you pulled it out from underneath the car.

While CSU went over the crime scene, you and Sonny spoke to campus security. 

_"You're in luck! We don't regularly patrol the parking garage, but that level has security cameras."_

He played them back in high speed from the time that Rosalind's roommate said she left that evening until you saw your victim walking out to her car. She hadn't even pulled her keys out of her purse.

_"So.. you guys don't regularly patrol level 3, but you don't bother to monitor the cameras you have set up either?"_

She was digging through her bag when a masked figure came into view, hitting her in the head with what looked to be a baton. It knocked her out cold, she dropped her purse onto the ground and fell forward against the hood. 

The male party searched through her bag, grabbing her phone and smashing it underneath his boot before kicking it and her purse out of sight. After that, he dragged her by the armpits to the stairwell to God knows where.

* * *

After exhausting your search efforts at the campus and parking garage, speaking to every male party on her Facebook friends list and video chatting with her parents, the two of you finally met your squad back at the precinct. Amanda had drawn out all of the evidence on the white board, but there were no dots connecting anywhere. There were no reports of suspicious activity in the days leading up to this, no one even entered the parking garage for another two hours after Rosalind was last seen on the cameras.

_O - "Okay, do we know anything about her rapist? Do we think he could've done this?"_

_"Honestly.. I believe that SHE believes she was raped, but according to her classmates that were at the party, they were equally as drunk. She dragged him up the stairs to his room and he walked her home afterwards. The guy, uh.. Austin Cross, admits to having consensual sex with her and even gave us a cheek swab."_

_S - "Plus he doesn't fit the build of our suspect AND has an alibi for the entire weekend."_

_F - "So you think we're looking at a true, grab-n-go, random kidnapping? Of someone that just happened to be reporting her rape the same day?_

It sounded crazy, you knew it did. But you had literally nothing to go on, no good description of your suspect, no direction of travel. Whoever has was, he wore gloves to avoid leaving finger prints and likely got lucky with Hudson's piss poor security. It sickened Sonny that his own niece went to a school that apparently cared so little about their students' safety.

_"No, we just don't have enough dots to connect yet. The FBI is willing to make an exception since she only just turned 19, but they aren't putting out a full blown Amber Alert, just an endangered child alert."_

You tossed around every possible theory with your crew for as long as possible, but nothing made sense. Maci, Rosalind's roommate was still waiting in an interview room. She'd fallen asleep across a few chairs as the sun set outside of the building. Your coworkers started to pack up for the night but you still had work to do. Sonny stood in front of you with his hands in his pockets.

_"What's the move, boss?"_

_"Could you drive Maci back to her dorm for me? I've still got some paperwork to finish up here."_

_"Mhm. So, drop her off, then come straight back here to drive you home?"_

You cocked your head at him and stood up, wrapping your arms around his waist.

_"Nope. I'm sleeping alone tonight."_

You tried to joke away his worries but it wasn't going to work. Sonny didn't want to push himself back into your home before you were ready, he was just worried. If there was anything that this job had taught him, it was that anything is possible. He sighed and held your face in one hand.

_"Fine, but you text me when you leave here and call when you get home. Got it?"_

You agreed with a kiss and saw Fin and Amanda grinning out the corner of your eye. Sonny led Maci out to the squad car and left towards Hudson.

You hadn't been sitting at your desk long before you heard the door open and shut behind you, then a male voice clearing his throat. Your head whipped around.

_"Jesus.. fucking Christ, Peter."_

Your hand flew to your chest with a sigh of relief.

_"What did I tell you about sneaking up on someone that has a license to kill?"_

Peter smirked, but you could tell that there was at least a little pain behind his grin.

He nodded at you, _"Where've ya been, Cali?"_

You shrugged, struggling to find the right words. Even though you'd never looked at Peter romantically, you never looked at him as just a friend either and you didn't want to hurt him any further.

_"I've been everywhere you've been, you know that."_

_"So.. you don't wanna talk about it? That's that?"_

You sighed and put your notepad down, rummaging through your bag for a moment before pulling out your key ring.

_"Take this,"_ You tossed him your apartment key, _"I do want to talk about things, Peter. Just not not here."_

You eyed the uniformed officer that was stationed near the door and he understood.

_"I'm wrapping up here, go ahead and go to my place. I'll be there soon."_

* * *

Twenty minutes or so passed since Peter left towards your apartment. He was probably already walking through the door. You started packing up your files and cleaning up your desk. Just before you turned to head down the hall, your door rang. You denied it, it was unknown number and if the needed you they could leave a message.

But they called again immediately after, this time trying to video chat. You answered it, reluctantly.

_"You forget how to answer the damn phone the first time?"_

A video of a girl sitting on the floor entered your screen. Her dark hair had traces of blood in it, you could see the bruise on her forehead caused by being hit by a baton. It was Rosalind. You lowered your bag back onto your desk and took a seat back in your chair, you weren't going anywhere any time soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Song - It Will Come Back by Hozier
> 
> Oh lord guys, I’m about to tug at your heart strings with these next few chapters. Leave me some feedback in the comments and I’ll have a new chapter up by next week.


	27. Yours

_"Where are you, Brad?"_

He flipped the camera around so it was facing him, _"You don't get to know that yet. I'm just calling to let you know that your girl is okay, she's just a little banged up.."_

You could hear your heartbeat pounding in your eardrums, your face felt hot.

_"Just tell me where you are now and I won't have to report it to my Lieutenant. It can be just us, just me and you. That's what you want, right?"_

_"You're not gonna tell your Lieutenant anyways or else me and Roz here.." _He turned the camera back around and you saw her terrified face close up. His dirty hand stroked her cheek as a single tear slid down it, _"We're gonna run away together."_

You were trying your best not to let the fear and anger show on your face. Either it was working or he just truly didn't care how furious you were.

_"So tell me what to do, Bradley. I'm not playing any fucking games with you this time."_

_"You know, I am not feeling the warm welcome that I expected. Has the big city really made you forget all you know about southern hospitality?"_

He was waiting for you to answer. You'd learned years ago that he didn't like to be kept waiting, but you were having trouble reading him. You weren't sure if it was best to show him you meant business or play it sweet, try to soften him up so he wouldn't hurt Rosalind.

_"I'll tell you when to move."_

He hung up. He hung up with the camera in Rosalind's face with her brown eyes big and pleading for you through the screen. You dialed Olivia and frantically explained to her what just happened, she then called her sitter to come stay with Noah for the night. Olivia told you to run a trace on the phone number that Bradley had called you from and then call Sonny, she would dial Amanda and Fin to have them start back toward the precinct.

Sonny had just dropped off Maci at her Hudson University dorm, he was walking into his apartment and sitting his things down when he got your call.

_"Hey, baby. You just now leaving?"_

_"I just got a video call.. from Bradley."_

Sonny's skin grew chill bumps, he knew he shouldn't have left you alone. He knew it wouldn't be safe yet.

_"Cal, where are you."_

When Sonny's voice deepened like that, you knew he wasn't asking questions. He was simply demanding answers. It didn't always work with suspects but it more often than not worked with you.

_"I'm still at the station. Olivia is calling Amanda and Fin, TARU is running a trace on the number and I've got a uni here with me until one of ya'll get back."_

Sonny was already pulling his keys back out and locking the door behind him, _"What did he say??"_

_"Sonny.. he had Rosalind with him."_

He stopped dead in his tracks, he couldn't believe that this kid was going to such great extents when he'd already almost lost his life once.

_"He wouldn't tell me where he was. She didn't look too bad hurt, just.. terrified."_

_"All right, don't move. I'll be there soon."_

Sonny stopped outside of his apartment building and pulled his gun off of his hip, staring at it in his hands. There'd never been a moment where he actually _wanted _to use his weapon, not until now. And he wasn't even actually facing it, just the thought of finding himself alone in a room with Bradley.. He tucked the cold metal back into it's holster and pushed the thoughts out of his head. Sonny would've liked to think that he would never purposefully put himself in that situation, but at the same time he made a swift turn on his heels. A turn that took him in the opposite direction of the precinct. 

Sonny walked in a direct line toward your apartment. His eyes never left the sidewalk in front of him. If Bradley was waiting for you, he wanted to intercept him and end this whole thing before you put yourself in danger yet again. He couldn't run the risk of almost losing you for a third time. He jogged up the front steps and avoided looking at himself in the mirrored elevator doors, but stopped just outside of them once they opened. He grabbed his gun once again, holding it by his side while slowly making his way down the hall.

He got to your door and put his ear to the wood, there wasn't any sound on the other side. He put the key you'd made him months ago in the lock and twisted it, but the deadbolt was never latched in the first place. It was already unlocked and ready for anyone who wanted to come inside. So he did. He left his key in the door and pushed it open, gun pointed in front of him.

And just as he walked fully inside the room, a tall figure turned out of the guest bathroom and into view. 

_"Whoa! Hey!"_

Peter stood in front of Sonny, hands up. Sonny stopped once he realized that the person in the room was not the much shorter, dark haired suspect that he was looking for. But a new emotion filled him, confusion.

_"Peter?_

_ _

_"Hey.. Carisi. Let's put the gun down, maybe?"_

Sonny reholstered his gun but his brow remained furrowed. Wheels started turning in his mind, pieces started to fall together as he remembered that he was in _your _apartment and facing another man. One that he assumed wasn't there to kidnap or murder you. His hands went to his hips as he started searching for any reasonable answer.

_"What are you doin' here, Stone?"_

_"Listen, this isn't what it looks like."_

And it did look like a lot more than it was. Peter had been there enough that he'd made himself comfortable, taking off his suit jacket and rolling up his sleeves, loosening his tie and even undoing the top button of his shirt.

_"So you're **not **in my girl's apartment while she's waiting for me at work?"_

Peter was facing the harsh realization of what you'd been trying to tell him two weeks ago at dinner, and what you were going to tell him tonight. That while he was starting to grow feelings for you, you had never really intended to move on from Sonny in the first place. And now, facing the man who had much more of a right to be in your apartment than he, Peter didn't know what to say. So he gathered his jacket off the back of the recliner and picked up his briefcase.

_"I think that I should go."_

Sonny kept his spot in front of the door, blocking Peter's path. His voice got low as he looked at his feet and then back up at Peter, his hands perched on his hips.

_"No I think you need to tell me what's going on here.'_

Peter's lips pursed as he slid past Sonny's demanding gaze, not wanting to say anything that you weren't comfortable with.

_"Talk to Cal."_

When Peter said your name, it all hit Sonny at once. He'd never once heard him call you anything besides "Jack", "Detective" or a combination of the two. He stepped to the side so that Peter could make his way through the door. Sonny was left alone in the room, wondering if he'd once again been made a fool of.

* * *

You sat at your desk visibly shaken with Olivia, Amanda and Fin standing around you. The trace TARU tried to run on the number Bradley called you on had come up cold, he was likely using a throw phone. Olivia had started to dial Chief Dodds when you finally got up from your desk.

_"Stop! If he finds out that I've told anyone, even YOU, he will move her."_

_F - "So what? We just wait for him to make his next move? It took him five days to come this far."_

_"Which means that he's comfortable where he is."_

You knew that your squad trusted you, but they still saw you as the little sister in their family. Sometimes you thought it would just be easier if you took up a job as a private investigator or a rogue agent, but then you remembered that they weren't trying to hold you back. Just hold you down to planet Earth. Sonny finally came through the door into the squad room with his head down.

_"Finally, where've you been?"_

He sat at the chair in front of his desk and leaned back, intertwining his fingers on his lap and finally looking up at you. 

_"Your apartment." _His lips pursed together, _"Making sure no one was there."_

Your heart stopped and Sonny watched the realization come over your eyes. But you pushed that problem out of your mind and shook your head free of that worry, it was a concern for another time. You just nodded at Sonny and thanked him.

_"Great.. thanks."_

_O - "Cali, I HAVE to tell Dodds. I'll see if we can hold off on releasing this information to the public. We'll request a soft Amber Alert so they won't send it out to everyone's cell phones."_

_A - "See if Dodds can send an updated BOLO to all the unis computers that way dispatch doesn't have to broadcast it over the radios, in case he has a scanner."_

_O - "Good thinking, Rollins."_

Olivia turned her attention back toward you, _"I know you were looking forward to going back home today but-"_

_"But it's not safe, I get it."_

She read the frustration on your face, understanding your need for independence. But now wasn't the time for her to give in and be your friend, she had to hold her ground and be the mother that she considered herself to all of her detectives. 

_F - "So what? We just wait for him to make the next move?"_

_O - "I'll have patrol hold off of traffic stops and keep an eye out for anyone matching his and Rosalind's descriptions. Stop and frisk anyone that looks suspicious."_

Sonny stood up, grabbing a set of car keys from his desk, _"I'll take Cal back to my place, me and Rollins can join patrol for a while."_

Amanda looked at Sonny confused but nodded her head. Fin and Liv stayed back at the precinct to handle Dodds and all the emails they needed to send out while you and Sonny made the awkward journey back to your apartment so you could pack another bag. The apartment that his world had just flipped upside down in, yet again, and he still didn't even completely know why. You held your arms around you as you rode, the tension between the two of you causing the air to feel clammy.

Sonny didn't speak to you inside your apartment. He didn't speak to you on the way back to his and all he said before leaving you alone was, _"Don't wait up."_

He kissed you on the head before shutting the door behind him. That.. that broke your heart. That action told you that he wasn't angry, he was tired. Tired of going back and forth. Tired of not knowing if he was the only one your sight was set on. 

There was a marked car sitting outside the building and an armed officer standing at the front door, you didn't have the option but to stay where you were and wait for Sonny to come home. Probably after unloading on Amanda for the next four hours. Hopefully she'd convince him to hear you out and not give up on your relationship completely, if you could even call it that yet. So you lay back on his couch with your guitar across your chest, picking a few chords and trying to not let yourself cry. You were so damn tired of crying.

_"The butterflies in my stomach have died, now there's lowly caterpillars that are waiting for the night.. to strike._

_And they've been dying to escape, the pit of my stomach's a real dark fuckin' place."_

You paused, fingers trembling just a bit. Understanding now that you couldn't keep blaming Bradley or the universe for the troubles in yours and Sonny's relationship. You should've went back home to testify against him. You should've never kissed Jesse and given Brad the chance to use that against you. You shouldn't have led Peter on like you knew you were. You'd made mistakes, and now they were biting you in the ass.

_"My new friends are starting to know.. why my old ones don't talk to me anymore._

_My ex knows why my last one's my last one._

_Hey, guess why? It's 'cause my fuckin' actions.."_

* * *

Sonny listened to you from outside the door. It wasn't so much of a song as it was a poem but he left down the hallway before his emotions forced him back inside the apartment. He really was just tired, tired of feeling confused about where your heart was. And he knew that it probably would be easier to just give up, to move on and find someone new. But his poor heart was holding on. You were the only woman he'd ever truly pictured a future with and it'd taken such a short amount of time.

He picked up Amanda and she knew something was up. She ushered him out of the driver's seat so he could unwind while she cruised the streets.

_"What do ya think, Rollins? You think I'm just.. wastin' my damn time, pining after a girl like her.."_

Amanda shrugged, she hated to see Carisi going through girl troubles but she also felt like she wasn't the best to be giving advise on the subject. She and the rest of the squad had watched your relationship blossom, they could see it long before either of you ever admitted it. Now she and Fin had put down their bets and were just quietly hoping your romance would make it out of this shit-hole of a year.

_"No. I think you're a man in love. And I think she loves you, too."_

_"Yeah, well.. I'm afraid she loves more than just me."_

_"What do you mean?"_

Sonny regretted it the second he murmured it, knowing he was being petty. He didn't want rumors being spread, but he did need advice.

_"I, uh.. ran into Stone today."_

_"Yeah. We run into him every day, he pretty much lives at the precinct. What of it?"_

_"No, I ran into him at her apartment. I was going to check the place out, make sure Bradley wasn't hiding out for her there. Instead..."_

Amanda's mouth dropped, she almost put the car in park right there. Instead she closed her jaw and pretended like she didn't think this was a huge fucking bombshell and a terrible conflict of interest.

_"Okay.. Did he say why he was there?"_

_"I asked him.. twice. He just told me to talk to Cal. He called her by her fucking nickname, Rollins."_

By now Sonny was leaned against the passenger side window like a love song music video. It was fitting, considering the light rain that had started falling outside of the car. 

She turned to Sonny and tried her best to act like she wasn't in shock, _"That doesn't mean anything, Carisi, we all call her by her nickname."_

_"I don't know. Something about how comfortable he was.. that wasn't his first time there. And I'm not tryin' to put our sex life on blast or nothin', but we were split for four months and I just don't see her going that long without-"_

_"See, that's the thing-" _She hated to be the bearer of bad news, but she needed to be reasonable at the same time, _"You guys WERE broken up for four months."_

_"So what, you think she was shackin' up with other guys the whole time?"_

_"Were you not?"_

She pulled the card that Sonny thought she'd never use. She'd asked Sonny about his night with Lucia a few days after the charity ball, having watched them down one too many glasses of champagne and then catch a Taxi together long before everyone else was finished mingling. He'd admitted to ghosting her the next day and leaving her apartment before she even woke up that morning. He wasn't proud of it. He'd felt lonely and vulnerable that night, just like you had. But he didn't mean to hurt anyone else in his search for a tiny bit of serotonin.

_".. Just the one."_

_"Exactly. Sonny, I know it goes against everything you believe in But sometimes, people.. they just have sex. Sometimes with people they love, sometimes with people they don't even know."_

_ _

_"If she DID hook up with Peter, she's not a bad person for that. You're not a bad person for sleepin' with Lucia. Don't go assuming anything, take Peter's advice.. Talk to Cal."_

* * *

Back at Sonny’s apartment you’d pulled out a small arsenal of gadgets. Well, really just your laptop, old cell phone and adapter chord. The screen was shattered and the glass kept cutting up your fingers, but it still worked. That was all you needed.

You’d disconnected the phone long ago, but you needed a line that you knew wasn’t being traced by TARU. You turned the service back on and reclaimed your old number, the one that Bradley knew by heart. Olivia and Dodds weren’t going to let you get involved in this case and Bradley wasn’t going to budge unless he had you, so you needed to take matters into your own hands. Even if it got you killed this time.

So with shaky fingers you typed in the number that he’d called you from earlier.

_ “I’m ready when you are.” _

On the other end of the text message was Bradley. He knew that you wouldn’t have gone to all the trouble if you were just trying to play him, but he still wanted to make you sweat it. So he smoked a few cigarettes and downed the last of his energy drink before texting you back. All the message contained was a dropped pin.

You wrote down the address on a sticky note and quickly powered off both phones, new and old. After packing a bag and checking your gun to make sure it was loaded, you stood in the doorway to Sonny’s apartment praying that this wouldn’t be your last time here. Before turning to walk out you scribbled a note down and left it stuck to Sonny’s living room TV.

Your breath was shaky as you walked through the wet city. Avoiding street lamps, patrol cars and businesses that you knew had cameras. You didn’t take a cab or the subway because you couldn’t risk your squad tracking you and going full SWAT on your plan.  It took you over an hour to get to the East Village location that Bradley had sent you. A parking garage with no attendant. It looked a lot more like a homeless camp than a garage at this point, but you stepped over to gate arm and held your gun out in front of you. Flashlight on top as to not accidentally step on someone.

It was pretty predictable where to go from there. You followed the staircase as far underground as it would take you. The temperature continued rising the further down you went, as if you were getting closer and closer to hell. Your own personal hell. But you were really just getting closer to the boiler room.

The long hallway you stood before looked as if no one had been down it in years. It was barren, aside from the prints made on the dusty, concrete floor. Half footprints, half drag marks. You knew you were in the right place by the way the door behind you had been jimmied shut, you had to push your entire body weight against it in order to get it open.

There were a dozen doors on either side of the hallway, most of them containing nothing but old mops and cobwebs, but one of them holding some of your biggest fears. So you knocked the end of your flashlight on each one as you passed by it, making your way slowly down the corridor. Just one knock. You made it almost all the way to the end, tapping on the eighth door to your left. Passing by it at first, but then you heard a deadbolt unlatch and door open behind you.

You turned around calmly, flashlight aimed at the ground. The door was held back by the chain lock, but you recognized the eyes that peaked through on the other side.

_ “I’m alone, don’t worry.” _

He held a hand out the small sliver of open space, _"Gun."_

You hesitated, remembering the last time he held a gun to you.

_ "I keep the bullets." _

He shook his hand, meaning for you to hurry the fuck up. You unloaded your firearm of its ammo and handed it over.

_ "You think I'm a fucking idiot? The knife, too." _

You leaned down and unholstered your boot knife, staring at it for a moment. Looking at your reflection in the shiny, sharp blade. The circles beneath your eyes were so dark, the light that you'd seen slowly coming back to them was now fading again.

You handed him your knife and he slammed the door, hearing the loud clanks of the chain unlatching behind it. He threw the door back open and stood in the frame, arms out. Waiting for you with a smile on his face.

_ "Cali." _

_ "Hi, Bradley.." _

* * *

Sonny dragged himself back up the stairs to his apartment well after four a.m. He knew Amanda was right. As far as he knew, you'd done nothing to cause the feeling of betrayal that was lingering in his chest. All he wanted was for both of you to clear the air, you about Peter and him about Lucia, and then to move on with your lives. Hopefully together.

Inside his apartment he grabbed a bottle of water from the refrigerator and leaned against the island, contemplating how he was going to approach the conversation.

He figured you were asleep. His apartment was silent and he thought nothing of it while he stood in his small kitchen, until he realized your shoes weren't kicked off in the corner like they were when he left. He saw your guitar still laying on the couch, your duffel bag still on the floor, but your rope bag and shoes were missing. 

That's when he finally noticed the sticky note stuck to his TV.

_ "Yours, and nobody else’s. _

_ Cal xx" _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Song - Consequences by Camila Cabello 
> 
> Ya'll, we're getting so close to the end and my heart can't handle it.   
Please leave anyyyy remarks, feedback, suggestions, etc in the comments section. I love hearing from you guys.


	28. Fear

Sonny sat at his desk twelve hours after finding your note. It was almost 5 P.M. and he'd brewed more carafes of coffee than he could count. Unis, investigators and reporters had been a blur around him all day long as he studied yours, Bradley's and Rosalind's social media account.

Olivia led in two men, one an older man wearing a uniform decorated with all of the bells and whistles. His chest served as a display case for every badge and medal he'd ever earned. The other was younger, Sonny figured he was closer to your age, and was dressed much more casually. 

_"_Lieutenant Brumlow, Detective Jones, this is my squad. Sergeant Tutuola, Detective Rollins and Detective Carisi."__

Jesse's eyes met Sonny's as soon as he was introduced and he extended a hand, _"Dominick? It's an honor to meet ya, man. Cal's told me all about you!"_

Sonny's reaction time was definitely delayed due to the lack of sleep, he just stared at Jesse for a moment. He could see why you might've been attracted to him, he had a demeanor about him that made Sonny feel like they were old friends even though he'd once cursed over a photo of the two of you kissing. Sonny stood up and shook the stranger's hand, returning a smile, figuring that now was not the time to make new enemies. 

_ "Call me Sonny, man. Lieutenant Brumlow, it's an honor to meet you as well, sir." _

Brumlow passed around handshakes to your squad and approached the oversized white board that stood behind all of the desks.

_ "Bradley Taylor is.. a piece of work, I'll give him that. Have you got any leads on where they may be?" _

_ O - "Not yet. We believe Detective Jack may have found that out and decided to take matters into her own hands." _

_ F - "We didn't pick her up on any street cams or surveillance footage. There were two officers outside of Carisi's apartment so she must've snuck out the back and stuck to the alleyways." _

_ Brumlow - "And her phone?" _

_ "Left it at my place. Right on my pillow so we wouldn't waste our time tracking it." _

_ Jesse - "I can't believe we're doing this all over again. Y'know, I really thought the first time-" _

_ A&F - "The FIRST time??" _

_ _

Amanda and Fin turned to look at Olivia. Liv's lips pursed into a flat line and she cleared her throat, _"Yes, I was just getting around to telling you two.. an incident similar to this is partially the reason that Jack was transferred to us in the first place."_

_A - "Well.. she made it out alive once."_

Jesse now approached the board next to Lieutenant Brumlow, _"Just barely. When SWAT rushed the door, Bradley took a shot at her. Her K9 blocked it."_

A silence hung in the air of the squad room as they all realized how much more danger you were in now than before. It was something you'd came to terms with before even stepping foot out of Sonny's apartment. 

_ "Yeah, well.. she doesn't have her dog this time." _

_ F - "No, but let's just hope she still has her gun." _

Olivia held a press conference the next morning, bright and early for the 9 A.M. news. She'd forced Sonny to go home for the night so he could catch up on some much needed sleep and take a hot shower. He'd appreciated the shower, but the sleep only came in random spurts. He had his phone turned up but his mind wouldn't turn off. All he could picture was you writing that note and walking out the door for what may be the final time. After a shot or two of Zzzquil, he finally managed to catch a couple of hours. 

He stood at the back of the squad room the next morning as Olivia stood at the podium, in front of all the cameras. 

_ "Detective Jack his been missing for over 24 hours now. Rosalind Torres has been missing since an undetermined time Friday afternoon. We believe them both to be with Bradley Taylor, a dangerous criminal from the Tennessee Valley area. He has a history of assault with a deadly weapon, stalking, kidnapping, harassment, and.. sexual assault." _

Sonny swallowed the hard lump in his throat with the last on the list. It wasn't the first time he thought about what all could be happening to you, but it was the first time he'd heard it said out loud. Jesse saw the pain on Sonny's face from the other side of the room and rushed through the crowd of people, grabbing him by the arm and pulling him into the hallway. Being alone in that moment, it made all of Sonny's worries get the better of him. The tears spilled past his eyelids and for the first time in almost two days, he broke down. 

_ "Get it out man, it's good for ya." _

And he did get it out. He cried for a second before anger consumed him. Anger that you felt like you needed to face everything alone. Anger that he couldn't protect you and had felt the need to punish you instead of just staying home that night and talking things out. Anger that Bradley couldn't just let you go, but also anger that he hadn't been able to just let you go either. Four months apart and he hadn't even tried, knowing it would've been useless. Sonny lashed out, turning and punching the concrete wall behind him before Jesse grabbed his shoulders and pushed them against it.

_ "Now get it together. Listen-" _

Jesse lowered his voice in case anyone was listening from around the corner. It wasn't a secret that you and Sonny were involved, but he didn't need the press making that into a bigger deal than it was.

_ "We WILL find her, YOU are gonna find her. I'm not gonna tell you that he won't hurt her, he might. But we're gonna find her before-" _

_ "Before what?" _

Sonny's voice followed Jesse, lowering his tone. But for him it was because speaking any louder would cause the tears to come again. 

_ "Before he slaps her around like he used to? Before he.. he rapes her again?" _

Sonny winced at the words that came out of his own mouth, his hands resting on his hips and pushing his suit jacket back.

_ "Or until he holds her own god damn gun to her head and pulls the trigger this time?" _

Jesse didn't know how to respond to the stranger in front of him and frankly, Sonny didn't want to hear him speak. Jesse's accent reminded him all too much of yours.

_ "I, uh.. I didn't know it was that bad..." _

_ "Yeah, you didn't. Because no one knows her like I do." _

Sonny shoved his hands into his pockets to hide the fists that they were curling up into, turning to walk back toward the squad room. That is, before he was intercepted by the last person that he wanted to see. Peter stood directly in front of him, and if he hadn't already shoved his fists into his pants, he might've taken a swing at him. Instead he just kept all the insults that were flowing through his mind to himself and let out a surprised, angry laugh.

_ "We need to talk." _

_ "Y'know what, I'm good. I'm a little busy trying to find my-" _

Peter cut him off, but Sonny's words would've stopped anyways. He wasn't sure what to call you anymore, though he was sure it wasn't his 'girlfriend'.

_ "No, you don't. You're off the case until Detective Jack is located." _

* * *

You sat on the floor against the wall, directly across the room from you sat a monster dressed in black. At the far end of the room was a bed, on it lay Rosalind. You'd convinced Bradley to untie her and swore to her that it was safe for her to catch up on some sleep. She needed it, she was suffering from exhaustion. So she wrapped herself in the old comforter and covered her face so she didn't have to look at the scene around her before quickly being out like a light.

You'd been in a staring match with him for the past hour. His eyes getting darker and darker as the minutes went by. You finally broke your silence.

_"What are we doin' here, Brad?"_   


He didn't respond immediately, instead he sat there and twirled your knife in his hand. 

_ "Catching up on lost time." _

His silence was almost scarier than his outbursts. At least when he would hit you, you knew what to expect. You could brace yourself for his blows. You'd sat through this silence more times than you could count and it was like sitting across from a starved lion. Similar in the fact that you knew the second you tried to run for your life, he would pounce. And no matter how hard you fought, the lion would always be just a little bit stronger. 

_ "I wasted enough time on you." _

_ "Boy, have you made up for it though." _

He stopped the knife mid-twirl, it was pointing toward you.

_ "You think I don't know about all the fun you've had since running away? All those Johns and Janes.. I mean you were really having the time of your life and you settled for your fucking partner? Again?" _

Bradley had always been convinced that you were cheating on him with anyone you could get your hands on, but mainly just Jesse. Maybe you had been mentally, but you would've never dreamed of sleeping with someone behind his back. You were always too terrified of him to even consider it.

_ "How many times do I have to god damn tell you, I NEVER, not once, slept with Jess. Come on, Brad-"  _ You leaned forward, _"You were almost carried out in a body bag last time. How do you see it playing out this time around?"_

He slid across the floor and stopped right in front of you, matching your body language by leaning forward. Much too close to your face and holding the knife between the two of you.

_ "With you.. and me. Dead or alive." _

A single tear slid down your cheek as you looked at your reflection in his hollow eyes. You weren't regretting the decision to come here alone, it gave you the best chance of getting Rosalind out alive. That was your only concern, not letting her suffer from the same fate as your late best friend. But you couldn't help thinking that you might die here. Alone with someone who had made it his goal to isolate you from the world.

Ten hours later and you had accidentally fallen asleep. You'd fought it for as long as you possibly could, Bradley still holding his seat right in front of you. But exhaustion had taken hold and your eyes closed for barely an hour before you were shaken awake. Not by the shoulders or by a pair of hands, but by a rough palm across the face. You were still so tired that you didn't know what happened. A red handprint made its mark on your cheek before you could even grab your skin, having fallen over onto the floor. 

Rosalind was still wrapped up in the corner, she'd woken up hours ago but was too scared to uncover her face. When she heard the ear piercing smack, her body tensed up and pulled the blanket even tighter around her. She didn't know that she had nothing to be scared of. Now that you were here, Bradley didn't care where she was, what she heard or saw. 

Your ears finally stopped ringing from the blow and you eventually came to your senses, looking up at him. Bradley stood over you, his face bared a smile. This is how your relationship had eventually ended. You never knew who he was gonna be when you woke up or even in the middle of a conversation. One second he would be the man of your dreams, the next he would be spitting in your face. You noticed the change in his eyes and knew what was coming next. 

_"Brad please-"_

Your words came out fast but in a whisper, your body instinctually tensed up for what it knew was coming next. His heel came down hard on your ribs and you heard them crack, holding in your screams as to not scare Rosalind any more than she already was. A kick would've hurt much less, but his stomp hit you like a ton of bricks. Knocking the wind out of your lungs and leaving you gasping for air. 

Bradley leaned down and grabbed you by the hair, pulling you back up to your previous sitting position. 

_"You don't wanna scream for me this time, baby?"_

His hand moved up to your face, cupping your burning cheeks and squeezing them together so you couldn't respond. At least not without angering him even further.

_"God damn, I missed your pretty face."_

But his hand slid back down, resting on your throat. He watched you take a deep breath, preparing to hold it for as long as you possibly could.

_"Watching it turn pink.. and then blue."_

He squeezed. First just gently, giving you hope that he would let up. But then he closed his fist tighter, and tighter, you gripped his hands with yours and waited for the darkness to fall back over you. 

Bradley's grip loosened when he felt your fingers on his. The slack of his grip from your skin allowed your hand to wrap around his and pull it from your throat. Your hands dropped to your lap, still holding his. Your face dropped, finally allowing the tears to flow from your bloodshot eyes. You looked back up at him after a moment and finally gave up. You were convinced that this dark, dusty room would be your final resting place and if that were the case, you wanted to die with answers.

_"What did I do?"_

He pulled his hand back from yours and sat back in front of you. He'd flipped back over to the other _him_.

_"You weren't always like this.."_

Bradley lifted himself up on his feet and pulled your knife out of his pocket, wiping the sweat from his forehead with the same hand before pointing the blade at you. His next words came out almost in a whisper, like he was questioning in his mind what he was saying.

_"Stand up.. get undressed."_

You sighed and shook your head.

_"No."_

His hand dropped to his side and he stared at you for a moment before starting for the door, turning to look at you as he slid the chain loose.

_"I'll know if you try anything."_

He closed the door behind him. Closed it, not slammed. The moment you heard him lock it from the outside you crawled across the floor to where Rosalind lay, uncovering her face and meeting her terrified eyes with yours. You held her by either side of the face and whispered to her, just in case he was listening from the other side of the door.

_"Listen to me."_

Her face was stained by all the tears she'd cried from underneath the blanket and before you got there.

_"You are going to walk out of here alive. When he comes back you're going to keep pretending to be asleep until I tell you it's safe to come out. If I tell you to run, you run. If I tell you to scream, you scream like your life depends on it because it DOES. Do you understand me?"_

Her entire body was trembling but she nodded her head 'yes' before laying her face against your shoulder, you held her close and savored the moment. Possibly the last moment of comfort you would ever provide for someone, and they for you.

_"I'm so sorry."_

You found a few protein bars in the bag that Bradley had packed and left in the room, feeding them to Rosalind. She soon feel asleep with her head in your lap while you stroked her hair, it was matted and tangled with tears and dirt. Pulling out your phone a short while later because you knew you needed help, but didn't want an entire calvary to put Rosalind in even more danger.

You'd deleted nearly everything out of the phone after reactivating it, only keeping Sonny's phone number. You started typing your message.

_"Basement." - _With a pin dropped on your location.

It wouldn't go through the first ten tries, you had to move it around to try and find signal without waking up Rosalind. It finally went through and you kept your hand as still as possible so you could type out a second one. One that wasn't necessary, but you needed him to know.

_"No matter what happens, I love you."_

It went through and then you deleted the message, along with his saved phone number. You put your phone on airplane mode and turned it off, sliding it underneath a water heater in the nearby corner.

* * *

You'd completely lost track of time in the poorly lit basement, but Sonny knew the time down to the second because he was counting them as they passed by. Second felt like minutes, minutes felt like hours, hours felt like days. Guilt was second nature for a Catholic and he had more than enough to pass around, especially since Olivia had backed up Peter's motion to remove him from the case. He was happy though that you hadn't been there to see him blow his lid at Peter. He'd responded to Peter's statement with a sarcastic "_Excuse me?", _to which Peter followed by telling him that his involvement was a conflict of interest. 

He heard his own words repeating over and over in his mind, _"And yours isn't?"_

Peter hadn't responded, but Sonny continued anyways. Telling him he thought it would be best for Peter to recuse himself.

He didn't care if this was the last case he ever tried in his lifetime, he wanted to be the one to put Bradley Taylor away for life. Peter managed to slip in, _"That's **not **happening." _before Jesse wedged himself between the two of them, Olivia and Fin turned the corner to see what all the ruckus was. Another yelling match erupted in Olivia's office and she ultimately agreed with Peter, asking Jesse to show him home and demanding Sonny get more than just a few hours of sleep this time. 

But now it was Thursday afternoon. He'd had Jesse drop him off at your apartment instead, wanting to be around any remnants of you that he could. He changed out of his suit and into a pair of his jeans he'd found stuffed in the back of your closet and the plain, white t-shirt of his that you'd worn a hundred times by now.

And then he just sat on your couch. He'd turned on the TV but only watched the analog clock right above it. His eyes followed the the long, thin hand as it made its way around over and over again. He knew it was a waiting game, but he feared what he was waiting for. 

He feared it when he heard the _ding _from his phone on the coffee table.

He feared it when he saw the now deleted but familiar phone number pop across his screen with a text message.

And when he opened the text message, he didn't fear anything anymore. He just pulled on his shoes and made sure his gun was loaded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Song - Two Years by Have Mercy
> 
> Sorry that this one took a few days longer than usual, guys. It's the most wonderful time of the year and I'm getting ready for the holidays (already) around my place.  
Like always, I freaking love hearing from you guys. I appreciate any and all comments, whether they're encouragement, criticism, advise, suggestions, etc.


	29. The Monster in the Room

Sonny closed the door behind him and when he turned around from locking it, he ran straight into Jesse. Nearly reaching for his gun before he realized who it was, but Jesse was unphased. He stood there, arms crossed in the hallway is if he'd expected this.

_"Where ya goin', bud?"_

Sonny didn't know how much to give away, but he knew that he couldn't risk getting you hurt. He couldn't risk Bradley attempting another shot at you or leaving you alone with him for any longer. He pursed his lips and looked Jesse dead in the eyes, so he'd know that there was no changing his mind.

_"I'm bringin' her home."_

Sonny brushed past Jesse and started down the hallway, but Jesse just followed behind him.

_"Great! Then you won't mind me coming with."_

_"Uh.. I think it'd be better if I went alone."_

Jesse followed Sonny through the doorway and into the stairwell, cutting in front of him before he could take his first step down the stairs.

_"Where is she, Sonny?"_

Sonny stared at his feet, refusing to give up what he knew.

_"Listen, you don't know me. I don't know you, and this might piss you off - but if there's one person I do know, it's fucking Cal."_

It _did _piss Sonny off, but he also knew it was true.

_"I've been where you are, man.. and I can't let you get yourself killed."_

Sonny's gaze broke and he gave in, challenging Jesse,_ "Listen, whose side are you on here? Because we both know this is only gonna end one of two ways. With **her** dead.. or them both dead. The rest of the squad, the FBI, they don't see it like we do. If we rush in there, swat gear, guns up - he's gonna put a bullet in her skull and then off himself. **You know that**."_

Jesse knew it was true, and he knew who's side he was on. He stared at Sonny, praying that his plan worked in his favor and let out a deep sigh.

_"You send me your location when you get there. If I don't hear from you in the next **HOUR**, I will find you. I will bring both of our squads, swat, hostage negotiation, everyone I damn well can. Do you understand me?"_

Sonny patted Jesse on the shoulder, a bid farewell. Not only to him, but to everyone, just in case. 

~

He walked through the swarms of people that had flocked to the city, fleet week was approaching and he was surrounded by new love in the streets. The sun was setting and soon, it would only be even busier with drunk sailors and their potential one night stands.

But the further he walked through the streets, the more desolate they became. He wandered away from the busy club and bar scene into a neighborhood of empty parking garages and homeless camps. Sonny pulled out his phone, checking how close he was to your dropped pin. Realizing that he was pinging right over you. He turned to his right, staring solemnly up at the concrete columns. 

It was now or never. He took in a deep breath, shoving his way past the long broken traffic barrier. Scanning the scene for any sign of a downward exit.

He found it, a dusty stairwell. Walking down those creaking steps was like taking the stairway down to hell. It got hotter and hotter the further down Sonny traveled, he tried his best to quiet the noisy boards below his feet. Not wanting to give away his location.

Sonny followed the footsteps that'd been left in the dust at the end of the stairwell, all the way to eighth door on the left. That's where the imprints and drag lines stopped. Stopped along with Sonny's heart, he didn't know what to expect on the other side of the door.

He drew his firearm, holding it to his side and managing a whisper,_ "Cal.. Cali!"_

Finally, you stirred from your half unconscious state. One that your mind had unwillingly slipped into. You thought you were just hearing things, until it happened again.

_"Doll, if you're in there... please.."_

You jumped up from your spot on the old mattress, racing to the door and holding your ear against it, _"Sonny!"_

Tears involuntarily streamed down your cheeks and you held back the urge to bang on the door, _"Sonny, I can't unlock the door! He's got a key, I don't know when he's gonna be back!"_

Sonny jiggled the handle and stepped away from the door, _"All right, move back!"_

You did as you were told, backing away from the frame and holding your body against the opposing wall. Seconds passed and you heard a loud **_"THUD!"_**. A few more seconds.. then another **_"THUD!"_**

Finally, with one last thrust of his entire body.. Sonny flung himself into the door and it gave way, caving in on the other side of the room. 

The two of you locked eyes in the low light of the dingy room. You'd never seen such a look of desperation on his face, and he'd never seen such a sense of hopelessness in yours. You ran to him, it took every ounce of your remaining energy but he wrapped you up in his arms. Like a weighted blanket, he gave you a sense of calm that you hadn't felt in months. 

Sonny pulled away and held your dirty face in his hands, _"Listen sweetheart, how long has he been gone? Where's Rosalind?"_

You were trying to get out as many words as you could in the shortest amount of time, _"I don't know! He left and said that he'd know if I tried anything and -"_

You remembered Rosalind and rushed to her in the corner, leaning down beside her and throwing the blanket from over her face. Sonny followed and looked down at her, a broken and beaten girl that had been so strong just a few days prior. 

You spoke to her in a hurried tone, _"Get up! Come on, sweetie, we gotta go before he comes back!"_

But you were cut off by the sound of a gun cocking. Your heart dropped and Sonny's skin grew chill bumps, he felt the muzzle brush against the back of his head through his hair and his body froze.

You struggled to let your eyes leave Rosalind's gaze, but reluctantly looked up when you heard the low voice from behind you, _"Go? Now where on Earth would you wanna be.. besides right here with me?"_

Sonny looked down at you and slowly raised his hands, leaving his gun in his pocket, _"My name is Detective -"_

_"I know who you are, Dominick."_

Bradley shoved his hand into Sonny's pocket and grabbed his gun, emptying it of its ammo on the floor and tossing it across the room. All of its ammo besides two bullets. Those, he loaded into the back of the firearm that he'd taken from you a number of hours ago.

Sonny gulped and squeezed his eyes shut. He spoke again, trying to reason with him,_ "It doesn't have to end like this, pal. We can all walk outta here, you can go back home. You can go anywhere you want. We can act like you never even came back."_

You knew not to speak, you knew it would only make him angrier, _"Sonny. Stop talking.."_

You watched Bradley's sick smile spread behind Sonny's head, _"Listen to your girlfriend, Sonny. After all.. she knows me. Inside and out, just as religiously as I know her."_

A mixture of nausea and guilt washed over you, you knew this was the end. No matter who it was, this was the end of the road. Sonny was starting to sweat over the realization, or maybe it was because of the rising temperature in the basement.

_"But you know her too, don't you? You know how easy it is to fall under her spell, and how it's impossible to break free. That attorney knows it, her old partner knows it. Well it's time for us to be liberated, Detective.."_

Your eyes shot to his hand and you watched him adjusting his grip on the gun, your heart raced and the word vomit came up through your throat,_ "Wait!"_

Anything, anything to stop him from pulling the trigger. Bradley's eyes shot to you and you pulled your arms off of Rosalind.

_"Wait.."_ You crawled on your knees toward the two of them, knowing that standing would only scare him further, _"Just take me, Bradley.."_

Sonny tried to interject, _"Cal-"_

_"Stop, baby."_

That word, _baby_. It'd made his heart fly so many times, and now it was just making it break. You turned your attention back toward Brad and continued, _"Just take me.. this is all my fault, right? I caused all of this, I made you like this. We wouldn't be here if it weren't for me."_

You were holding back tears but a few slipped past your eyelids, _"I fucked up, Brad. Don't punish Dominick for that. And I am.. so tired. I'm so tired of running from my mistakes. So just take me..."_

You watched Bradley's eyes darting back and forth between you and Sonny, knowing that he would make a decision in mere seconds and you only had that long to get out the rest of what you had to say, so your eyes went to Sonny's. They were glassed over and for the first time, he looked genuinely scared.

_"I ruined everything, Dom. I fucked up everything. But I swear to God, I'll die loving you."_

Sonny's jaw clenched and a tear fell down his cheeks, he heard Bradley scoff behind him. Not in a dismissive, cocky manner - but in astonishment. Something had clicked in Bradley's head while he listened to you speak. He stepped back, away from Sonny and held a hand to his head.

Slowly, Sonny turned around, hands still in the air. The look in Bradley's eyes had turned wild and confused. His voice had turned even wilder while he spoke his thoughts aloud. 

_"I'm holding a gun to you and your boyfriend.. and you're begging for me to kill **you** instead. I'm holding a god damn gun against the back of his head, and instead of begging for his life.. you're asking me to take yours and telling **HIM** that you love him."_

He wasn't talking to anyone besides himself. Suddenly, he was questioning everything that he'd come here for. Gears were turning in his head and he asked himself, _"Did she ever love me? Did she ever even-"_

You saw his foundation cracking and cut him off, reassuring him in a soothing tone, _"Yeah, Brad.. I did. I loved you first, before anyone else."_

You paused as his eyes met yours, realizing that he wasn't seeing you, _"..but something inside you changed, baby. I don't know what it was or if I caused it.. but something inside your heart, or maybe your head.."_

Now, it was his turn to shed the tears. He shoved the gun back into his pocket and for a moment, you thought that he was going to run. Sonny took a single step towards him before Bradley's hand reemerged, your boot knife in his hand. 

Bradley's voice was broken when he spoke, _"What have I done?"_

His hand was fast, opening the blade and moving it toward his own throat. Sonny tried to reach for him, but the serrated knife cut through his skin like room temperature butter. 

You whipped around to face Rosalind, using your body to block her view of the scene. Bradley fell to the ground, blood pouring from his neck and pooling on the floor around his body. You heard him coughing, drowning in his own blood. 

Sonny moved fast, using this opportunity to dash toward the two of you and pull you onto your feet. 

_"Get up! Come on, go, go!"_

You grabbed Rosalind by the arm as he ushered the two of you out the door and up through the stairwell. Never looking back, never trying to help the monster that you all had just narrowly escaped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELCOME! BACK!  
I am so sorry for not updating in over a month, it feels like it's been even longer.   
So here's the dealio, this story is wrapping up and my heart is breaking over it. But I promise, I'm gonna make it worth you guys' while. I was pushing myself way too hard by writing every chapter to be atleast 4000 words, so I'm gonna shorten them to around 2000 per chapter that way I don't have an excuse to not write for you guys.  
Please, leave me some ideas and feedback. I love you guys.
> 
> On another note - PLEASE NO SPOILERS ABOUT THE NEW SEASON BC I'M A PIECE OF TRASH AND HAVEN'T WATCHED IT YET!!!


	30. Always You

You didn't remember what happened next. You didn't remember running for your life and dragging Rosalind along with you. You didn't remember your hands flying above your head as you exited the parking garage, running straight into a swarm of ESU that were about to raid the building. And you especially didn't remember collapsing in Olivia's arms, being rushed away, yet again, in an ambulance to Mercy hospital. Sonny stood in the middle of the street, watching the sirens blare and lights flash. He felt like he was losing you all over again. 

You were heavily sedated and woke up days later, groggy and confused. Your hazy eyes scanned the room and your dry voice tried to produce words, but it felt like cotton lined your windpipe.

Around you sat Olivia and Barba. Barba, your closest friend that you now hadn't heard from in months. Rafael noticed you stirring, _"Dios mio, Olivia!"_

You motioned for your throat and mouthed, _"water", _Olivia fed you a bottle. You couldn't get enough of it. But it was as if drinking it refilled your tear ducts that had been long, long dried out. Tears fell down your face as you thought back to the events of days prior. 

_"Where's Rosalind? Is she okay??"_

Rafael rubbed your back, soothing you, _"She's hanging in there, she was discharged yesterday. You need to focus on **you**, mi amor."_

Having Rafael there, it brought a familiar comfort back over you. He had been the one constant that you'd had since moving to the city, and when he left, you didn't feel like you had control of _anything _anymore. Olivia sat back down beside you, resting her hand on yours, _"Cali, it's been a few days.. but do you remember what happened?"_

You nodded your head, _"I remember.. Bradley, he.." _you brought your fingers across your throat. Unable to say the actual words. _"And I remember.. just running. Runnings until my legs couldn't carry me anymore. And then, that's it.."_

Olivia spoke to you softly, _"We need to take your statement, Cal, if you're ready. The doctor said that your ribs, a few of them are broken. One of them almost punctured your lung, can you tell me what happened there?"_

Suddenly, your vision was blurred by flashbacks. Black and white but so intense that you winced in pain and covered your mouth, speaking through your hand, _"Yeah, yeah.. he, uh, he stomped on me a few times."_

You watched Olivia's jaw clench with anger, but she continued, _"And your ear? They said that you have a ruptured ear drum."_

You felt the hard smack across your face as if it were actually happening and your fingers softly brushed your earlobe, _"He smacked me. I guess his aim was a little off.. Listen, Liv, can I just write out my statement for you? The line of questioning, I just.."_

Rafael and Olivia looked back and forth at each other, and you knew something was up. Something they hadn't told you yet. Rafa stepped in, _"Cali.. you're being investigated by IAB."_

It didn't catch you off guard. You knew walking in that you were getting off easy with _just _an investigation. You'd directly gone against your Lieutenant's order's and put yourself, including others, in immediate danger. 

_"Big surprise. What are they concerned about this time?"_

Rafael wanted to laugh at your abrupt return to sarcasm, but he knew the severity of the accusations, _"Failure to render aid."_

Your jaw dropped, _"Failure to render aid?? Failure to render FUCKING aid to the man that had kidnapped a coed, has stalked me for the past year and stomped me out like a fucking cigarette butt? Are they joking?"_

_ _

Olivia shook her head, _"No, no they are not.."_

Your head dropped to your hands in disbelief. Bradley was gone, you'd _watched _him slit his own throat, and somehow he was _still _haunting you. Somehow he was still controlling your life, even from the grave. Olivia stood from her seat, _"I'm going to let the squad know you're awake, give you two a few moments."_

She made her way toward the door, pausing in the frame to look back at you, _"And Jack.."_

You looked up from your hands and she continued, _"I know you're going over everything you did wrong in your head.. but you did **good. **You saved that girl's life."_

She closed the door behind her and left you alone with Rafa. He gripped your hand, feeling the guilt of his abandonment, _"How are you **really, **corazon?"_

It was as if nothing had changed between the two of you, as if no time had passed at all since your last meeting. You squeezed his hand back and responded, _"Aside from the investigation.." _Your eyes welled up with tears of happiness, _"Fucking **free**_, _Rafa."_

He smiled and matched your tears, _"Don't worry about the investigation. If it goes anywhere legally, I'll be representing you."_

_"You? What about Peter?"_

You were still unaware of the elephant that had sat in your squad room for the entire duration of your absence. No one wanted to talk about it, but everyone knew. Or if they didn't, they at least had felt the tension of what was going on around them. Rafael pursed his lips together, _"ADA Stone has recused himself from this case due to being a conflict of interest."_

His statement hit you like a ton of bricks, all you could do was sigh, _"Great.. so everyone knows."_

He didn't respond, you didn't need him to. Rafael allowed you to sit in comfortable silence for a bit, that is until the peacefulness was broken by a knock at the door. Two knuckles tapping against the thick wood, followed by a turn of the doorknob. 

_"Knock, knock. Mind if I interrupt?"_

Sonny peaked his head through the frame, you weren't sure what to expect but it definitely wasn't what you were greeted with. Sonny was smiling wide and holding a bouquet of bright yellow sunflowers. Rafa stood from the chair beside your hospital bed, _"Of course not, Detective. I was just about to excuse myself."_

Rafa leaned down, planting a kiss on your head, _"Call if you need anything. **Anything**."_

Sonny saw your eyes physically brighten when he handed you the flowers, those were the type of things that let him know everything you said was true. He slowly paced the room with his hands shoved into his pants pockets, looking at all of the medical equipment you were hooked up to while you rubbed the petals of the flowers between your fingers.

_"You look great, doll."_

You scoffed and for the first time in weeks cracked a smile, _"Yeah right, who knows how long my hair's been up in this bun."_

_"Hey, I worked hard on that bun!"_

It dawned on you who all might've been in and out of the room around you in the past few days, you hadn't considered that Sonny might've stopped by. Your eyebrows knitted together, _"**You **did my hair? When?"_

Sonny nodded, _"Everyday, for three days. Yeah.. the doctors said you probably wouldn't remember, but I was here. Everyday, Cal."_

You sighed and looked down at you hands, knowing that one of you had to bring up the inevitable, _"You remember the last time we sat in this room, Sonny?.."_

Finally, Sonny stopped his pacing and took a seat in the chair beside you. His elbows rested on his knees, _"Yeah, babe.. I remember."_

Sonny still managed to make your heart melt with that single word, _babe_. You hesitated, knowing that now was the moment of truth. You couldn't blame him if he didn't want anything to do with you after this. Just like you couldn't blame PP1 if they decided to terminate you. Every bad decision you'd made in the past five months had built up and built up and was now flowing over, you were just reaping the consequences. But they were decisions that you had to own up to. 

_"Just tell me what's gonna happen, Sonny."_

Sonny placed his hand palm up on your lap for you to take. Just like you had done across your desks for months and months, before the two of you were ever even a _thing_. It was always your way of telling him without saying a word that you were there for him, and now he was letting you know the exact same. You rested your hand in his and his thumb stroked your skin before hitting you with a bombshell.

_"I'm leaving SVU."_

You looked up with wide eyes, mouth open and ready to protest but he cut you off.

_"Just listen. The other day.. in that room, I thought that was the end, Cal. And I thought about everything that's happened the past few months. With us, with you, with Peter and Lucia and everything. And I thought about how us being partners, it's only made everything more complicated."_

He was right. While you respected him as a detective and your partner, he was overly protective of you. And for good reason. 

_"I dated around these past months. And there were a few girls I probably should've felt something for.. but I couldn't stop comparing them to you. At the end of the day, it was always you. It's always been you."_

That cup of bad decisions that was over flowing, it was now overflowing with relief. You knew the two of you had a long road ahead, but at least you knew he was along for the ride. 

_"Where are you gonna go if you're not at SVU?"_

Sonny's lips pursed, _"There's a position open for a new ADA at Manhattan SVU."_

You were confused, having thought that Peter had only recused himself from _your _case, _"What about Stone?"_

_"Stone has decided to go back to Chicago. And as much as I hate it, you should probably talk to him before he leaves."_

The look on Sonny's face told you how uncomfortable he felt at the thought of you two alone with each other, _"Yeah.. Sonny, just to put this out there, he wasn't anything.. When you went to my apartment that day, he was there because I planned on breaking it off with him."_

Those were words of relief to him, he'd been fixated on that _why _since the day it happened. But he didn't want to talk about that right now, not right here. With you lying in a hospital bed with two broken ribs and a ruptured ear drum. 

Sonny let you rest. You drifted in and out of sleep and he watched your breathing like it was his job, he was so scared that he'd look away and suddenly your chest would just stop rising and falling. Visitors came and went for the rest of the day and he turned most of them away until finally, the doctors and nurses turned _him _away as well. He had to go back to his apartment, but it wasn't with a heavy heart this time. _This _time he knew you'd be waiting for him when he came back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, sorry guys. ):   
I literally feel like I'm robbing you guys after writing chapters twice as long as this for so long. Still, let me know what you guys think! Comments, suggestions, anything is always appreciated!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Secrets and Lies](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21702208) by [australiancarisi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/australiancarisi/pseuds/australiancarisi)


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